Advice

LegacyUser

Perhaps I can get some advice in this thread... My bf has a close female friend (not an ex) and he tells her things about our relationship. They are not an item and i trust him completely but i find myself getting upset when i find out that he has told her stuff that i consider very personal such as if we have a sex life or not or if we have arguments and what they were about. Should this be a problem for me or has anyone else been in this situation?

Redpunto

Tell him not to tell her, he shouldnt really be telling anyone. Seriously, why is he telling her in the first place??

VW08

Id have serious issues if my boyfriend was telling anyone about our personal conversations. And as she's his ex, he def' shouldnt be telling her things.

Tell him not to tell her things again, and if he continues you'll have to sit down and decide if you should be with him or not.

It could come to the stage that you have a problem with something, but cannt bring yourself to tell him in case he runs off and tells her. And thats not the makings of a good relationship.


Good luck.

Carrigart Exile

over-reacting? wrote: »

Perhaps I can get some advice in this thread... My bf has a close female friend (not an ex) and he tells her things about our relationship. They are not an item and i trust him completely but i find myself getting upset when i find out that he has told her stuff that i consider very personal such as if we have a sex life or not or if we have arguments and what they were about. Should this be a problem for me or has anyone else been in this situation?

I'll bet you, and most other women, share those very same relationship secrets with each other

Oryx

Two questions, one of which has been hit on above.

If it was a man he was confiding in would it bother you as much?

Have you a close friend you talk to in this way?

Lord Nikon

Why does he tell her these things?

Perhaps he needs a womans point of view to see how your feeling, and gets another womans advise....

Attraction to the other woman?

Confront him, and ask him why does he go to her about your personal life.

gamblitis

Maybe its for your benifit! Seeing if hes doing things right and how to keep you happy.

sam34

over-reacting? wrote: »

My bf has a close female friend (not an ex)QUOTE]

Redpunto wrote: »

Tell him not to tell her, he shouldnt really be telling anyone, not to mind an ex. Seriously, why is he telling her in the first place??

VW08 wrote: »

Id have serious issues if my boyfriend was telling anyone about our personal conversations. And as she's his ex, he def' shouldnt be telling her things.

QUOTE]

as the op said, shes NOT his ex! that, imo, makes a huge difference. hes just discussing things with a friend, as most people do.

taidghbaby

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'll bet you, and most other women, share those very same relationship secrets with each other

i very much so agree with you!

ive a close female friend who i would share certain things with, much like i would with any of male friends!!

Redpunto

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'll bet you, and most other women, share those very same relationship secrets with each other

I never share intimate details of my relationship with ANYONE, whether it be a gf or a friend whos a fella, its between him and me and noone else so i think the fact hes divulging these details to an ex is ridiculous

dubsgirl

OP I think the crucial thing here is how do you know that he is telling her?

If it's her saying things back to you or letting things slip then maybe you have a problem in that she is looking to cause problems in your relationship?

If he tells you he tells her these things then maybe thats all it is? I certainly know of guys that have very close female friends and find them easier to talk to than their male counterparts.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

sunnyside

Redpunto wrote: »

I never share intimate details of my relationship with ANYONE, whether it be a gf or a friend whos a fella, its between him and me and noone else so i think the fact hes divulging these details to an ex is ridiculous

I don't either but I'm a fairly private person. I think lots of people do share such information very freely though. As it's upsetting the OP she needs to ask the boyfriend to be more discreet.

sam34

Redpunto wrote: »

I never share intimate details of my relationship with ANYONE, whether it be a gf or a friend whos a fella, its between him and me and noone else so i think the fact hes divulging these details to an ex is ridiculous

shes NOT his ex!! thats a crucial difference.

Wurly

If it offends you, ask him to stop.

It doesn't matter what others do in their relationship. This is yours and if you don't feel comfortable with it, then he should respect that.

It's all well and good asking your friends for advice on certain things. But intimate and personal stuff? That's very different and I for one can see why you have a problem with this.

LadyE

Do you tell your friend these kinda things?

Is the issue here that he has a close female friend and you are uncomfortable with it?

Male and females can be friends you know.

If you are uncomfortable with him sharing this information, think would it be the same and would you feel uncomfortable with him telling the lads? If so, let him know the boundaries that you are comfortable with and tell him to be more considerate.

sinnerboy

Guys share relationship stuff with guys , girls with girls . Cross - over , with exes or not , is not good . Even if he is "open" about it .

Sorry OP this is not a good sign . I would clearly , with justification , express my displeasure and look for it to end .

LadyE

sinnerboy wrote: »

Guys share relationship stuff with guys , girls with girls . Cross - over , with exes or not , is not good . Even if he is "open" about it .

Sorry OP this is not a good sign . I would clearly , with justification , express my displeasure and look for it to end .

Why do you say that?

So you dont think she should tell him how it makes her feel, and ask him to not say anything to his femlae friend, and just end it??

Thats such bad advice!!

sinnerboy

Allow me to clarify please . I believe it is bad for a guy to discuss intimate relationship details with another girl . And vice versa .

Guys together review relationships as do girls together . Nothing wrong with that .

The OP should look for the discusions with other girl to end , not her relationship with her OH

LadyE

sinnerboy wrote: »

Allow me to clarify please . I believe it is bad for a guy to discuss intimate relationship details with another girl . And vice versa .

Guys together review relationships as do girls together . Nothing wrong with that .

The OP should look for the discusions with other girl to end , not her relationship with her OH

My apologies, I read your post wrong. And I also agree

Redpunto

sam34 wrote: »

shes NOT his ex!! thats a crucial difference.

Apologies just f*cking coped on now! Still stick to everything I said though, still think hes acting like a twit

b3t4

The sex life talk could be minimised but I don't feel your partner should only have you to go to in the case of an argument. Him chatting to someone else, like you're doing here, is potentially very good for your relationship.

If he goes to her first without discussing things with you then that is something you need to address. Ye need to be able to try to sort out your differences together before an outsider is brought into the picture.

A.

thebaldsoprano

How do you know if and what details he's sharing with his friend? Sharing stuff like this with a mate isn't unusual at all, but saying it back to OH certainly is...

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for your comments. Very useful.

Toto Wolfcastle

My male friend (ex) tried talking to me about parts of his relationship that shouldn't be discussed with me and I told him that he shouldn't be talking to me about these things. Likewise, he has asked me about someone I've been with since we broke up and I've told him it's not his business.

However, some people are very open with their friends. Even if he is very open, he is talking about things that involve you, and you need to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.

Make sure it's not just bothering you because it's a girl he's talking to though. If it was a guy would you have a problem with it? I know people say there is a difference but I really don't believe that. Guys and girls can be as close as guys are to guys, etc, and there is nothing wrong with that. So just make sure it's not a jealousy issue. (Although if you're not generally a jealous person and this is bothering you then maybe he's too close to her!)

Rayven199

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'll bet you, and most other women, share those very same relationship secrets with each other

Not all of us do! I dont discuss anything about my relationship with my friends, only general things like what movie we saw last night or that kind of thing. Anything to do with our private personal stuff is between me and my boyfriend and only us.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you dont like the fact that he is discussing your private relationship with this other girl.
That kind of thing would annoy me too.

SarahJ

Rayven199 wrote: »

Not all of us do! I dont discuss anything about my relationship with my friends, only general things like what movie we saw last night or that kind of thing. Anything to do with our private personal stuff is between me and my boyfriend and only us.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you dont like the fact that he is discussing your private relationship with this other girl.
That kind of thing would annoy me too.

+1. A relationship is between 2 people, and there's no need for it to be discussed with anyone.

STUBBORNGIRL

i have a very close male friend and he confides in me quite alot when it comes to his relationships, however very intimate details are not discussed. I think there is a fine line OP and once this line isnt crossed then there shouldnt be any reason to be angry.

We all need someone to discuss our problems with other than the person the problem lies with - holding in such anger and resentment can be bad for us.

I would like to know though how you are finding out about him sharing these details. I only ask because my friend and I would not be discussing this with others! and he definitely wouldnt be telling his OH he discussed their relationship with me! Curious how you know - is it jsut a gut instinct???

Marksie

SarahJ wrote: »

+1. A relationship is between 2 people, and there's no need for it to be discussed with anyone.

This forum would cease to exist, and we are essentially random entities here.

The fact its popular, and the threads are intimate, indicate that at times, everyone may need a third party to unload or seek advice from.
Whether it be something like this or a close confidante.

Your fighting human nature there

ztoical

SarahJ wrote: »

+1. A relationship is between 2 people, and there's no need for it to be discussed with anyone.

Rubbish when your in a relationship you didn't live in a bubble, unless your one of those really annoying couples who spend all their time together but even they have to break apart to go to work/school/doctor/etc etc and the chances of both people in the relationship having no family or friends that they interact with is pretty damn slim. I have some friends who give very little information on themselves and their relationships and ones who are very open and go into too many details, everyone is different.

OP what you consider to be personal might not be viewed the same by your boyfriend and he's prob not even be aware that you think that way and won't know unless you talk to him.

christeb

over-reacting? wrote: »

They are not an item QUOTE]

From the OP's original post, am I the only one that spotted this???Or does the OP simply mean they WERE not an item? I get the feeling the OP may feel threatened by this other girl.

Although I agree with a lot of what's on here, I would discuss my relationship with both male and female friends, but no intimiate details whatsoever. I simply think its unfair on the other half of the relationship.

sam34

christeb wrote: »

over-reacting? wrote: »

They are not an item QUOTE]

From the OP's original post, am I the only one that spotted this???
QUOTE]

might i refer you to my two previous posts pointing this fact out;)

BroomBurner

I agree with every other poster that has so far said that intimate details, such as your sex life, should be only spoken about with others if BOTH PARTIES in the relationship are happy to do so. If one isn't, then it has to stop.

Personally, I don't tell anyone anything about my relationship, it's between me and him. Also, while maintaining good friendships, etc. (I am awae of how nerdy that sounds...), I DO NOT want to hear about their sex life, thanks very much! As soon as you start talking about your sex life to someone, they will automatically "picture it", images I do not wish to share!

sinnerboy

BroomBurner wrote: »

images I do not wish to share!

LOL

Annie Bananie

Most people have a best friend they talk and share personal things with. I used to have a male friend as a best friend and I talked to him about everything. I do not think it should matter if its a girl or a guy that is a best friend.

He prob talks to her and gets her opinion and advise, as we all do with our friends. I would not take it personal.

However the communication between you and your bf should always work and come first. So if this really bothers you or if it makes you uncomfortable, then just tell him that. Not that you deny him to have her as a good friend, but that you think that some things are just too personal and that you do not wish for her to know certain things about you. Make him understand and I think he will respect this.

But see, its probably the same thing that you are doing right now, asking for our opinions and help. You are not talking to you bf. And he is prob doing the same with her. My advise is to talk to him

VW08

Sorry I missed that she wasnt an ex. I dont know if that changes alot though. I still wouldnt be thrilled if my boyfriend told his friends, male or female, about things that are personal to me. I dont tell my friends personal stories about him.

There are of course things I do tell my friends, but what I do tell them does depend on the situation.

SarahJ

ztoical wrote: »

Rubbish when your in a relationship you didn't live in a bubble, unless your one of those really annoying couples who spend all their time together but even they have to break apart to go to work/school/doctor/etc etc and the chances of both people in the relationship having no family or friends that they interact with is pretty damn slim. I have some friends who give very little information on themselves and their relationships and ones who are very open and go into too many details, everyone is different.

OP what you consider to be personal might not be viewed the same by your boyfriend and he's prob not even be aware that you think that way and won't know unless you talk to him.

Its not rubbish, its just that I choose not to discuss any apect of my relationship with other people, I don't feel the need,. It has nothing to do with 'being one of those annoying couples', as you put it.

Rayven199

+1

smileysurfer

i agree, if it offends you ask him to stop, I know I wouldnt be overjoyed if my boyfriend was revealing personal details about our relationship to male or female friends.

Kell

over-reacting? wrote: »

Should this be a problem for me or has anyone else been in this situation?

Um- would the fact that you are here disclosing your personal life to an undisclosed number of viewers without having spoken to him about it first bother him? Sorry I fail to see the difference.

And to all the other posters who told her he should keep his mouth shut, why hasnt the above occurred to you yet?

Look- fact of life. Most people divulge most aspects of their life to someone else be it a mum, brother, dad, sister, ex, wife whatever the hell they are. Men dont necessarily only talk to other men, because the majority of us are emotionally retarded and the response is usually "your upset? Lets get p*ssed". Women dont always talk to other women, because some of you are air heads and, when the response should be "cop the f*ck on and get your life in gear" it is often "would you like more tea and sympathy hon".

The OP should chill out and accept that such things are a fact of life.

K-

sinnerboy

Kell wrote: »

Um- would the fact that you are here disclosing your personal life to an undisclosed number of viewers without having spoken to him about it first bother him? Sorry I fail to see the difference.

/QUOTE]

Internet forum = anonymous . IRL = not anonymous

VW08

Kell wrote: »

Um- would the fact that you are here disclosing your personal life to an undisclosed number of viewers without having spoken to him about it first bother him? Sorry I fail to see the difference.
And to all the other posters who told her he should keep his mouth shut, why hasnt the above occurred to you yet?

No one here knows who the poster is. Its anonamus, if we past her on the street we wouldnt know her. Thats why its ok for her to talk about it to us. On the other hand her boyfriend is telling personal details to someone who actaully knows the poster already. And thats whats not right.

Both situations are totally different.

Kell

VW08 wrote: »

Thats why its ok for her to talk about it to us.

So talking behind her boyfriends back to a whole heap of strangers is more acceptable? Err...... And how do you know its a she? The fact that the OP has a BF does not automatically qualify them as being female. Pfft.

VW08 wrote: »

On the other hand her boyfriend is telling personal details to someone who actaully knows the poster already. And thats whats not right.

So a close friend, relative, mother, sister etc has never taken you aside and said "dont tell Mary I told you, but........." and then proceeded to tell you things that perhaps you didnt need to know? Is that not right in your world??

We can all say "I really wish you hadnt said that" or "I wish you had said that to my face" but the fact is, faceless or in your face, it doesnt always work out like that and people should just get the f*ck over themselves and accept that it happens as part of life.

K-

Rayven199

Kell wrote: »

So talking behind her boyfriends back to a whole heap of strangers is more acceptable? Err...... And how do you know its a she? The fact that the OP has a BF does not automatically qualify them as being female. Pfft.



So a close friend, relative, mother, sister etc has never taken you aside and said "dont tell Mary I told you, but........." and then proceeded to tell you things that perhaps you didnt need to know? Is that not right in your world??

We can all say "I really wish you hadnt said that" or "I wish you had said that to my face" but the fact is, faceless or in your face, it doesnt always work out like that and people should just get the f*ck over themselves and accept that it happens as part of life.

K-

Jeez chill out there woman!

The OP did not divulge any personal information about her boyf, she merely asked what we thought about the fact that HE was divulging personal things to another person who was not involved in the realtionship.

VW08

Kell wrote: »

So talking behind her boyfriends back to a whole heap of strangers is more acceptable? Err...... And how do you know its a she? The fact that the OP has a BF does not automatically qualify them as being female. Pfft.K-

Fair enough, point taken. That was a presumption on my part. Appologies OP, if I offended you.


However Kell, I still think that if the OP has an issue, the OP should tell their boyfriend that what he's doing is causing upset, and to stop. If I did tell someone something it would depend on the actual story. If Im told something in confidence, or if I believe that what Iv told is of a personal nature, then I wouldnt tell a word to a close friend, relative, mother, sister etc

Kell

VW08 wrote: »

Fair enough, point taken. That was a presumption on my part. Appologies OP, if I offended you.

You didnt- somethings are not always as they seem though

VW08 wrote: »

If I did tell someone something it would depend on the actual story. If Im told something in confidence, or if I believe that what Iv told is of a personal nature, then I wouldnt tell a word to a close friend, relative, mother, sister etc

Thats you. Its not everyone. My point is, some people need to brain dump, some dont. Brain dumping your problems onto someone else is inifinitely preferable to lashing into the booze and taking some young fluzy home with you or worse, bottling it all up till you think something is wrong with you.

Personally, I couldnt give a monkeys how much or how little people know about me, and whether they are strangers or close friends. Theres quite simply nothing horrific enough or cringeworthy enough in my life to be embarrassed about. I think that would be the case for most people unless you are a thief, kiddy fiddler, rapist, murderer, animal hater or something that comes with a criminal record.

People should really learn to get over themselves and not get so hung up about having their durty little secrets hung out to air.

Rayven199 wrote:

Jeez chill out there woman!

I have been mistaken as being gay before, but never a woman. Not sure if I am flattered at all at all.

Rayven199 wrote:

The OP did not divulge any personal information about her boyf, she merely asked what we thought about the fact that HE was divulging personal things to another person who was not involved in the realtionship.

Unless I have lost the ability to type in my mother tongue, I cant recall suggesting he/she did post any personal information about his/her boyfriend.

K-

VW08

Kell wrote: »

You didnt- somethings are not always as they seem though

I wasnt appologising to you Kell. I was appoligising to the origional poster. Im kinda new here, I thought that OP stood for origional poster.

Rayven199

Kell wrote: »

You didnt- somethings are not always as they seem though




Thats you. Its not everyone. My point is, some people need to brain dump, some dont. Brain dumping your problems onto someone else is inifinitely preferable to lashing into the booze and taking some young fluzy home with you or worse, bottling it all up till you think something is wrong with you.

Personally, I couldnt give a monkeys how much or how little people know about me, and whether they are strangers or close friends. Theres quite simply nothing horrific enough or cringeworthy enough in my life to be embarrassed about. I think that would be the case for most people unless you are a thief, kiddy fiddler, rapist, murderer, animal hater or something that comes with a criminal record.

People should really learn to get over themselves and not get so hung up about having their durty little secrets hung out to air.



I have been mistaken as being gay before, but never a woman. Not sure if I am flattered at all at all.



Unless I have lost the ability to type in my mother tongue, I cant recall suggesting he/she did post any personal information about his/her boyfriend.

K-

Apologies; chill out there Man!

Rayven199

And in relation to the rest of my comment KELL, I was merely distinguishing between divulging personal private info to another person as the OP's boyfriend is doing and the annonymous post that the OP has started.

You said you fail to see a difference, well there is a difference and that is what I was trying to illustrate.

Fat Pie Lot

To the OP:

As long as your boyfriend is still communicating with you when/if there are issues, then having this close friend shouldn't be a problem?

I have some very close friends of the opposite sex and I go to the person I think is most appropriate depending on the advice or feedback that I require. As I am currently single, this is mostly dating advice, but I would have no qualms about using them if I were to enter a relationship with someone and I'd hope my partner understood that this wasn't idle gossip but something used to strengthen our own relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all above. The issue has being resolved. I have spoken to my bf about the problem and he has promised to stop. We're back on track again and extremely happy. I love him to bits. He didn't realise it was a problem for me. I also told him about this thread and he didn't mind.