Fresh new Songwriter wants response

oatsey

Just wanted to post these 2 songs up to hear some constructive criticism because I really want to take my song writing skills to the next level

(Title) Dear Diary

(Intro)
With one simple turn of a key
I try to write the truth only to set me free
Cause the other souls I just push aside
This is the only thing keeping me alive

(Verse)
A deep desire that lays beneath
how I long for you to swept me off my feet
As these are the moments of stricture
Burning an everlasting picture

It’s a lie, can’t you see if I tell you, you’ll die
everything I said was a lie, in which I had no reply
this is why, I must say my last goodbye

(Chorus)
It’s too late to undo what I’ve done
Open book & Page turned
Candle light & cloudy skies
Now I can see the truth in your lies

Then again I wasn’t at my best
Stop look & confess
There’s the law & shortest straw
That was my only true flaw

To sacrifice the ones I truly love
Tear drops & damaged hearts
Broken bones & Painful words
I never put my true feelings first

(Verse)
I can’t live with these memories anymore
Is there nothing left to live for?
Right from the very start
You stole my ****in heart

I never thought you could have such an impact
I’m surprise my head is still intact
Well it’s a fact I can see the cracks
The years I can never take back

(Chorus)

(Verse)
I never looked for the truth in the right places
Tied up in my own shoe laces
Living in fear from what I’ve always wanted
My life up till know felt so haunted

Tell you what I’ve finally realised
My hatred for you will never die
And I’ll get through this pain
Disregard this ball and chain

(Outro)
Should it hurt so much?
Or is this just tear drops in a river,
No one else can touch

Trickling down my face
In a river of crimson grace

Will I ever really know!
I’ll never know?

(Title) My Nightmare before Christmas

(Verse)
I said 123 take my hand
Come with me to see what I’ve got planed
Don’t hold back just play in the sand
Cause it’s all part of the plan

When you hooked up with me
It was all about Simplicity
Holding hands for the long walk home
So we could be alone

I lay by your side at night
Whispering into her ear “my dear sleep tight”
As I brush your hair a side….
Away from your eyes

I’ll take you to all new highs
With this feeling of flying through the skies
Let this journey take us where it may and not look,
The other way

(Chorus)
I know my life will never be the same
Now you’re here to stay since i called out your name
I’m not the one who has to live with the Shame
Cause it’s all just part of the game

(Verse)
I can’t ignore these dreams anymore
It’s a feeling I’ve had so many times before
You’re the women I want to explore
You always leave me wanting more

I think we’ll have to agree
That we both felt this electricity
I love you down to the bone
But in this world nothing is set in stone

I’m gonna give you my all
It’s my time with you I really live for
I’m not gonna let you fall
Pass through my fingers like before

Well I hope this is not the end
For our love hate relationship to descend
Thee only way I’ll let you go is if
I lose my grip

(Chorus)
I know my life is never gonna be the same
Now you’re here to stay since i called out your name
I’m not the one who has to live with the Shame
Cause it’s all part of the game

Burial

A few questions, what tempo and style had you associated with these songs? That'd help me fit the rythem.

First song like I love it when you call and here are my changes.

Dear Diary

(Intro)
With one simple turn of a key
I try to write the truth, trying to set me free
Cause the other souls I just push aside
This is the only thing keeping me alive

(Verse)
A deep desire that lays beneath
how I long for you, just to swept me off my feet
As these are the moments of stricture
Burning an everlasting picture

It’s a lie, can’t you see, if I tell you, you will die
everything I said, was a lie, in which, I had[longish haaaad] no reply
this is why, I must say, my last goodbye

(Chorus)
It’s too[longish toooo] late to undo, what I’ve done to you
Open book the Page is turned
Candle light the cloudy skies
Now I can see, the truth in your lies

Then again I wasn’t at my best
Stop look and confess
There’s the law, the shortest straw
That was one and on-ly true flaw

To sacrifice the ones I truly loved,
Tear drops & damaged hearts
Broken bones & Painful words [Don't like this line all to much]
I've never put my true[troooo] feelings first

(Verse)
I can’t live with these memories anymore
Is there nothing left to live[leeeve] for?
Right from the very [vaaary] start
You stole my ****in heart

I never thought you could have such an impact
I’m surprise my head is still intact
Well it’s just a simple fact,
that I can see the cracks,
of the years I can never get back

(Chorus)

(Verse)
I never looked for the truth, in the right places,
Tied up, from my own shoe laces,
Living in fear, from what I’ve wanted
My life up till now felt so haunted

Tell you what I’ve finally realised
My hatred for you will never die
And I’ll get through this pain
Disregard this ball and chain

(Outro)
Should it hurt so much?
Tear drops in a river,
No one else can touch

Trickling down my face
In a river of crimson grace

Will I ever really know?!




As for This song, All I could imagine is I love it when you call again. SO I'm thinking a little bit like My Chemical Romance instead as I go through your song.


(Title) My Nightmare before Christmas

(Verse)
123 take my hand,
Come with me,
Never hold back,
Play in the sand,
Cause it’s all part of the mother f*cking plan

When you hooked up, with me
It was all about the Simplicity (Simplic-a-ty)
I lay by your side at night
Hearing, “my darling sleep tight”
As I brush your hair-a-side
All I can think of, is[iisss] your eyes

I’ll take you to-all-new highs
With the fear-of, flying through skies
Let this journey, take us, where it may go,
And, don't, look,
The other way

(Chorus)
I know my life, and it'll never be the same
And you’re here to stay,
Since i called your name
I’m not the only one,
who has to live with your Shame

(Verse)
I can’t ignore these dreams,
The feeling I’ve had, so many times before.
You’re the women I wanted to explore
You're always leaving me wanting more

I think you’ll have to agree
That we both felt this electricity (Electric-a-ty)
I love you down to the bone
But in this world nothing is set in stone

I’m gonna give you my all
It’s my time with you, that I really live for.
I’m not gonna let you fall,
Pass through my fingers like you did before.(Chorus)
I know my life is never gonna be the same
Now you’re here to stay since i called out your name
I’m not the one who has to live with the Shame
Cause it’s all part of the game

(Outro)
this is not the end,
Love and hate, only to descend
Thee only way, I will let you go,
is if, I dont' love you, SO,
For you and for me,
Just tell me it's not the end. [OR END IT ON THIS LINE]
Just never let it go.



Rythemly I think both songs don't click for me, however, I'm an amateur song-writer like yourself... I think you have too many words that stop the flow. Like remembered (I think I remember that being there somewhere) I prefer the second lyrics to the first. Once again, what type of songs are these like?

*EDIT*

To see what I'm talking about

Your version:

"Well I hope this is not the end
For our love hate relationship to descend"

You can't continue as, (In the tempo I use anyway), relationship has too many syllables. Your trying to match syllables as you sing too.

If you want to up your song-writing ability you have to take note of that. I'm no good at syllable usage in my lyrics.

*EDIT2*

Maybe it's just me but I feel the verses were too long. I would've added a chorus earlier than you..

humberklog

One hell of a lot of rhyming words. What with the subject matter being of the standard typical fare it may help to express the sentiment with non-rhyming words. Makes it less trite. Or with such a knack for rhyming why not move the subject matter? Write a song about getting a blue bike whan you really wanted a red one...or such like if you get the drift. Too well rhymed can make an emotional song un-natural and cold.

LauraAnnCunn

First off.... do you have a tune to it.. the first song sounds like a KIND of fast one coz it contains a awful lot of words.... very good though... a LOT of rhyming, just bare in mind a song doesn't need to rhyhm to be great infact when it doesn't rhyhm and just contains truth in it, it's better....

both songs are very emotional, if you're confident singing that up on stage then go for it ... try replacing "me" and "I" with "he" and "she" ... it will make it less personal for you and more universal for the listener

otherwise cool.... keep it up;) x

oatsey

Thank you all for the great advice. I appreciated it a lot and will put into practice straight away.

Warm Regards
Oatsey

iMADEtheBBC

Fair play to you for having the balls to put your lyric out there in the wild and request input.

The only feedback I can suggest is shorten the songs a little. You need to keep the interest of the listener up. Find a memorable line for the chorus or for the opening line of the verse and recycle it : make a hook. Like fishing, once the listener is hooked you can reel them in.

In 'Dear Diary' the "Broken Bones & Painful Words" could be altered to "broken bones and broken words" leading the listener in (what the **** are broken words ? it'll get their interest). Use it as the first line in your 1st verse, repeat it. Make a variation for the 2nd verse "broken hearts and broken words" - keeps a bit of continuity across the verses.
That kind of thing.

Put yourself in the position of the listener and ask yourself can they figure out easily and quickly what I'm saying in this song ? ask yourself what are *you* trying to say in the song ? sometimes I actually write this down:
Song Title > This song is about blah
verse 1 > I'm saying blah
verse 2 > I'm saying blah blah
chorus > I'm pointing this out, or the hook lyric is this.
verse 3 > I'm saying foo. That's turned it around a bit and maybe put a twist in the tail
middle 8 > god Ted I love a good middle 8. it can extend something you maybe cut out of the chorus ?

keep the chorus simple, unless you have to : don't change the chorus lyric radically on each repeat. make it easy for the listener to pick up on it.

Don't worry about rhyming. It's not all it's cracked up to be

Again - fair play to you - I entered one of my most personal songs in a competition and the judge said I used too many cliches in the chorus. I think he missed the point

edit: just read all that back. jaysis I'm an opinionated little **** :rolleyes:.

my songs: http://myspace.com/imadethebbc

Futurecrook

BBC, I checked out your stuff. It's rather lovely. Holding On is definitely my favourite.

But, so as to not go off topic. I'd agree with what other people have said here. There's a lot of potential in those songs but too much rhyming perhaps? The lyrics just need to flow a little more.

Do you have any recordings we could hear?

iMADEtheBBC

Futurecrook wrote: »

BBC, I checked out your stuff. It's rather lovely. Holding On is definitely my favourite.

Wow! Thank you !!

(way off topic: there's a live video on myspace/youtube of 'Holding On' recorded this week. Live I'm using a harmonica, the demo has hammond and a cello on it. Not sure what I'll do when I do the album - maybe a bit of both)

Einstein

oatsey, please tell me you copyrighted those lyrics before posting them for the world to see?

oatsey

I have man, dont worry.

G-izzles

Good song (Diary). Much preffered it to the second one. It seemed a little committed to the rhymig scheme though, especially:

"It’s a lie, can’t you see, if I tell you, you will die
everything I said, was a lie, in which, I had[longish haaaad] no reply
this is why, I must say, my last goodbye"

This bit would just be irritating and looks like you just opened up a rhyming dicitionary and put everything into context. Don't worry about rhyming everything. Most songs don't rhyme anymore anyway (as my uncle once complained!). Observe:

Biffy Clyro - Mountains

I took a bite out of a mountain range
Thought my teeth would break the mountain down
Let's go, I wanna go
All the way to the horizon

Range - Down - Go - Horizon

Not your typical rhyming scheme, but it still works and song's good enough to get overplayed on Kerang! and Scuzz. So remember, think about what you're writing about and just write. Don't worry what if it's rhyming and remember, less is more. Don't over-complicate

P.S. I loved all the phonetics in the song! I do the same to help me remember how to sing things. My last girlfriend burst out laughing when she saw (ooh-ooh) written after a line a song! Then I broke up with her. The bitch.

henessjon

yes timing is better than rhyming

i believe its all out of context till you put music with it,

till then its a poem