Can't ever have sex with gf again :(

LegacyUser

ok so we've been goin out for 4 years now and I love her to bits, she keeps my faith in womankind. Intelligent, beautiful, great personality, great charm and great in bed and we work brilliantly 2gether only the problem is due to a psycholigcal issue, she doesn't get turned on by sex anymore. the fact that she can't get turned one means i can't get aroused either. I've spent five days a week around this girl for over two years and being with her all the time is physically painful now. this all started about a year and half ago. i love her i love her i love her but i can't ever have her, even though she's already mine. i can't leave her because she's the best person I know and in no way does she deserve that. I'm 21 now and I haven't had sex since I was 19.

anyway this weekend I'll be going out with some college mates, 1 of who is a really good friend and has propositioned me twice before but I declined, now though it's becoming harder and harder to say no, and I know this girl is just up for some fun, not a serious thing at all. I don't know what will happen is I say yes but i know exactly what'll happen if I say no this weekend. pls some1 help and give me in sight. has anyone ever been in this sort of position?

Wibbs

Is this issue likely to change in the future? I mean she did like it and that changed so it's at least possible, I would have thought.

05D

Is she totally against affection of any sort or is it just sex?

Adam

How do you know she will never be interested again? And if she's that bad, surely she could/should seek professional threapy? It all seems very dramatic...

Miss Fluff

So you were having great sex and then it stopped? What, all of a sudden or did it peter out over time? Has she put on weight since you started going out? Did she have some kind of traumatic experience? Why does she or do you think she has suddenly stopped being able to have sex? Have you tried and she has vaginismus? Does she still masturbate?

MagicMarker

More details are most definitely needed here for anyone to help you OP.

How did you go from sex to sexless? Was she raped or something (that's the first thing that sprang to mind really)

Is the pill killing her sex drive?

taram

Something is wrong here, either psychologically, physically or both, and until those issue(s) are addressed the two of you are going to be in this limbo. You're both young, and you've had a successful sex life previous to this together, there's very little reason to say you'll never have it again.

Whatever you do, don't break her trust in you by cheating, you'll feel like **** after it, and getting your leg over is not worth hurting yourself or the woman you love.

m83

Seriously, dump her. If you are even contempating cheating now then you couldn't really love her. It's for her own good.

BTW.. You're clearly trying to convince yourself that it's ok to cheat because she won't put out. Get over yourself.

LegacyUser

ok let me clear the air. this all started when she told me she was using certain (legal) drugs to make her horny so we could have sex just to make me happy. and i couldnt let her do that. thats not right for a lot of reasons. so she tried to go to therapy but that stopped because it hurt her too much emotionally. whenever she came back from a session she would cry unocntrollably, sometimes more than once and I wouldn't force anyone to do something that affects them.

to answer miss fluff, she has actually lost a lot of weight in the last 4 years. it is not a ohysical thing and no she does not masturbate. she has a vibrator which has long been gathering dust.

m83, thank you for your advice but its a bit black and white to assume il should dump her because i fantasise. yeah i might get propositioned again this weekend and I might not and if I do, I'll say no, but each time i do it affects me emotionally and it makes me depressed. if i did act on anything id probably feel terrible. if i dont ill just get worse and she wont get any better. shes been 'stable' mentally for a while now but has no desire to change who she is. i can respect that, no 1 should have to change who they are but im caught in the middle and its just a mind**** im in a bad way

pwd

the necessary course of action is pretty simple:

1. don't cheat
2. communicate with your gf that the absence of sex is a major issue

Quite a delicate pickle nonetheless. It's not reasonable to commit to a non-sexual relationship if you aren't happy about that, regardless of how great it is otherwise. Even the catholic church doesn't require people to stay in a marriage if it's not consummated. I really think you need to have a very frank discussion with your gf. Cheating on her or dumping her out of the blue would be a really bad idea. Telling her straight there's a problem and trying to sort it out is the only option. If you can't sort it out or decide you don't want to or lose patience with it then consider breaking up with her.

but don't cheat nononono.

LegacyUser

sexornosex wrote: »

ok so we've been goin out for 4 years now and I love her to bits, she keeps my faith in womankind. Intelligent, beautiful, great personality, great charm and great in bed and we work brilliantly 2gether only the problem is due to a psycholigcal issue, she doesn't get turned on by sex anymore. the fact that she can't get turned one means i can't get aroused either. I've spent five days a week around this girl for over two years and being with her all the time is physically painful now. this all started about a year and half ago. i love her i love her i love her but i can't ever have her, even though she's already mine. i can't leave her because she's the best person I know and in no way does she deserve that. I'm 21 now and I haven't had sex since I was 19.

anyway this weekend I'll be going out with some college mates, 1 of who is a really good friend and has propositioned me twice before but I declined, now though it's becoming harder and harder to say no, and I know this girl is just up for some fun, not a serious thing at all. I don't know what will happen is I say yes but i know exactly what'll happen if I say no this weekend. pls some1 help and give me in sight. has anyone ever been in this sort of position?

Don't beat yourself up because you are behaving the way you have been evolutionarily designed to behave.

This is something I was talking about in another thread.

You say you love this girl and I presume she loves you. Would she still love you if she read that? Or if she found out you were having sex with people?

Reconsider what love is.

As far as the sex thing goes, can you seriously imagine going the next 18000 days without sex? That means you will not have sex til you are 70 and die. Do the maths. Answer this question honestly and act accordingly.

Giggidy

What kind of girlfriend is she if she won't let you box bash her? Dump the bitch and ride someone else, your only 21 for christ sake not 35!

spurious

Has she seen a doctor about this?

Zulu

@ Giddigy: Reported - I give you 15 mins.

@OP: I'm taking it this girl was attacked. She need to continue going to therapy. You need to encourage her to go.
If you love her, support her. But not going to therapy will not sort out the problem. She has to face a long and painful road, but cheating on her isn't going to help her.

You have a decision to make - can you stand by her until the issue is sorted or not?
If you can't, move on - there's nothing wrong with that. If you can, get her back into therapy, and put down the kettle, it's going to be a while.

Miss Fluff

Giggidy reported by me too for numpty posting.

Yes OP, it seems from your last post you are suggeting she was abused/assaulted/raped. Is this the case?

seamus

Zulu wrote: »

@OP: I'm taking it this girl was attacked. She need to continue going to therapy. You need to encourage her to go.
If you love her, support her. But not going to therapy will not sort out the problem. She has to face a long and painful road, but cheating on her isn't going to help her.

+1

Therapy being "emotionally painful" is an indicator that she has problems which need working through. If she runs away from the emotional pain, she will never resolve her problems and nothing will ever change.

There are two people in a relationship. It's not just her problems. These are now your problems too. And if she is unwilling to resolve the problem with your help, then you need to resolve them for yourself and leave the relationship.

As noble and "progressive" as it sounds, you won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship without physical intimacy. Especially at your age. There is nothing wrong with walking away because you're not getting the physical intimacy which is required in every romantic relationship.

Without the physical intimacy, you're just two friends spending a lot of time together, but with the proviso that you're not allowed have other friends. Which is ridiculous.

There's no reason to drop it straight away - you're clearly mad about this girl, so try to help her. But you can't force anyone to take your help. If she's unwilling to take your help, then tell her that you're gone and tell her why you're gone. The threat of you leaving may spur her on to get help. If it doesn't, then you've made the right choice.

Ultimately, if you can sit at your keyboard again in six months, come back here and say "nothing's changed", then it's time to move on. For your own emotional sake.

Giggidy

You report me for giving my opinion, bit harsh! If you don't agree with me fine, your choice, no need to be a whinge and report me! He doesnt have to listen to me his choice, he asked for an opinion and i gave one, so don't be so dramatic over it

Mr. Presentable

Giggidy wrote: »

You report me for giving my opinion, bit harsh! If you don't agree with me fine, your choice, no need to be a whinge and report me! He doesnt have to listen to me his choice, he asked for an opinion and i gave one, so don't be so dramatic over it

It's the way you choose to express your opinion that offends. Shhh!

meditraitor

You need to move on dude.

Your too young to take her problems onto yourself, if you do you will regret it for the rest of your life.

In the end you will cheat and the guilt will be worse.

Giggidy

meditraitor wrote: »

You need to move on dude.

Your too young to take her problems onto yourself, if you do you will regret it for the rest of your life.

In the end you will cheat and the guilt will be worse.

This is what I was trying say, just chose a lighthearted way to say it

Adam

Giggidy wrote: »

This is what I was trying say, just chose a lighthearted way to say it

Sounds more like a p!ss take tbh, the forum isn't called Personal Issues for nothing, try and have some manners and respect.

LegacyUser

Giggidy wrote: »

won't let you box bash her?

Was that really necesary?

OP, is this an issue that is openly discussed? If the underlying problem has become this serious over two years I honestly believe you need to become insistant; not that she enter into full therapy straight away but that you are both able to have an open discussion about whatever it is that is bothering her. She seems to have good supports in you which can work in favour of you both if you decide to give it a go long term. I'm sure there are many that wouldnt, I hope it works out for you

Wibbs

Giggidy while your opinion is a valid one, try and tone it down. Most of us are beyond the "box bashing" stage of describing the sex act. OK back on topic

dudara

Giggidy While the content of your post is valid, the manner in which you said it is not. Please post in a helpful manner in PI

dudara

Marksie

seamus wrote: »

+1

Therapy being "emotionally painful" is an indicator that she has problems which need working through. If she runs away from the emotional pain, she will never resolve her problems and nothing will ever change.

There are two people in a relationship. It's not just her problems. These are now your problems too. And if she is unwilling to resolve the problem with your help, then you need to resolve them for yourself and leave the relationship.

As noble and "progressive" as it sounds, you won't be able to maintain a healthy relationship without physical intimacy. Especially at your age. There is nothing wrong with walking away because you're not getting the physical intimacy which is required in every romantic relationship.

Without the physical intimacy, you're just two friends spending a lot of time together, but with the proviso that you're not allowed have other friends. Which is ridiculous.

There's no reason to drop it straight away - you're clearly mad about this girl, so try to help her. But you can't force anyone to take your help. If she's unwilling to take your help, then tell her that you're gone and tell her why you're gone. The threat of you leaving may spur her on to get help. If it doesn't, then you've made the right choice.

Ultimately, if you can sit at your keyboard again in six months, come back here and say "nothing's changed", then it's time to move on. For your own emotional sake.

I agree with a lot of what seamus has said.
It is obvious that whatever was being uncovered in therapy was the root cause.
For her to leave therapy at this stage means that she is running away from the problem.
In the end it IS her responsibility, for her own sake, to work through this.
You are obviouslys sensitive and aware of whats going on.

So you need to be clear in what you are going to do: If you continue to support her, it must be under the principle that she continues to help herself.
Any other path is simply facilitating the fact that she wil continue like this for the rest of her life.
It will not be easy or pleasant, and you may have to show some more patience.

But hopefully things will improve.
If, however, she isn't willing for both herself and what you have to coninue working through this, then you will have your answer.

As for the issue you have with the weekend away: The choice is yours and i would not say yay or nay, or even critiscise any decision you make, but do you really want to add guilt on your part to the mix at this moment?
If in a few months things haven't improved, or she hasn't shown willingess to continue. Then you can walk away knowing you have done all you can.
Remember: she is responsible for her own happiness and unhappiness. Its up to her to continue.
You can support, but do so from a position where you do not have nagging guilt behind you.

littlefriend

Don't cheat on her. It'll just add to all of the problems and once you've done it you can't take it back. If you won't be able to help yourself being with this other girl don't go this weekend.

chuckles30

It sounds like something happened in the past and that is why she was so upset after coming back from her therapy sessions. And while it might be difficult to watch someone you love suffering, going back and working through those issues may be the only way forward. If she knows you're going to be there to support her, she may go back and get the help she needs. It's going to be emotionally difficult for both of you, but hopefully then she'll be able to move on with her life.

girl_friday

OP - I was in a situation that was somewhat like this with an ex.

Initially in our relationship things went well but over time (years) his interest in sex lessened (due to disgnosis of depression I was told). I found the constant rejection upsetting but tried to be there for him. When we did have sex it was brief and tbh really only met his needs but I think maybe I could have coped with that if we had more intimacy and affection overall...

Anyway to cut a long story short eventually we sat down and discussed the issue and changes we need to make as a couple to improve the situation. I would have done pretty much anything for this man as we had been together for so long and he was probably my first love. His only solution however was that I should have casual sex with others behind his back, he would know I was doing it but would never question about it and did not want to know who with, and obviously I would have health checks to ensure all was okay at regular intervals... None of this was my idea and I was shocked at ho cold he was about it... That was the wake up call for me!!

I realised at this point that this man was incapable of putting my needs before or even on a par with his own. We split up within about 2 weeks. It really hurt that he would be so calm about letting someone else meet my needs when I would have done anything for him...

Anyway my advice from this is to sit down with your other half and see where things are at for her... If she is really not going to be able to change then maybe you have to recognise that maybe in this area ye are not compatible and give serious consideration for the implications of this for your relationship down the line. It might be hard but maybe being just good friends is all you can get out of this...

Sorry if I rambled a bit. Good luck!

davyjose

sexornosex wrote: »

i can't leave her because she's the best person I know and in no way does she deserve that.

What do you deserve OP? You are clearly being tormented by, let's face it, being deprived of a basic adult need. At the end of the day something is going to crack, your loyalty, or the relationship. Which of those does she deserve?

Again, you say she doesn't "deserve" you to leave her. But do either of you deserve the half-life you are living? There is no happy ending here. Her lack of intimacy will destroy you. But what's also very sad, is the fact that she must be in constant mental and emotional hell to be so profoundly fearful of intimacy and sex. She must be seriously, SERIOUSLY haunted by her past. You're both quite young, so it's no surprise that you've taken the "head-in-the-sand" approach, but this girl NEEDS help. Her life is in ruins, and you have to be able to see that it's going to really mess you both up over time.

Casshern88

Giggidy wrote: »

What kind of girlfriend is she if she won't let you box bash her? Dump the bitch and ride someone else, your only 21 for christ sake not 35!

charming

Wibbs

Casshern88 you'll see that this has been dealt with on the previous page, so please stay on topic.

LegacyUser

i've been through this problem with pretty much every long term boyfriend i've had. we'll start out having amazing sex usually and then over a period of a few months to a year it fizzles out to the point where i am so turned off i don't even masturbate.

the problem is that i am into "kinky" sex, and my long term boyfriends have always been just regular guys. so things would start out very passionate and unpredictable, which would go some way to satisfying the kind of relationship i would fantasise about (where the man is dominant and i am submissive), but they would always end very platonic and over familiar. i end up just feeling like the guy is a really close platonic friend until eventually even kissing him starts to feel wrong.

i've never yet been able to articulate to a boyfriend exactly why i start to go off sex, because i would just be very nervous about admitting my real sexual desires to him, either because i've found it hard to admit them to myself (i'm starting to get past that now) or because i would be worried they would try and fulfill my desires just to try and please me (thats really not the way it works for me psychologically).

anyway, i'm not saying this is whats wrong with your girlfriend OP, but just that maybe its possible she could have sexual issues or desires she feels she can't or doesn't want to share or fulfill yet. if someone had asked me to go to therapy about not wanting to have sex i probably would have come home crying too, not because i have been abused in the past or anything, but just because it can seem like such a huge shameful issue to deal with sometimes if you're trying to keep it to yourself.

most of the time i was with holding sex from a boyfriend i would also be secretly half hoping that he would leave me because of it, so i wouldn't have to break his heart or leave him, because ultimately i would know that long term we wouldn't be satisfied, but i wouldn't be able to find a way to explain why without going in to detail about what i really want sexually.

anyway, i hope maybe that helps.. if she doesn't want to open up to you about the root cause (and there has to be a root cause, even if its just that she doesn't feel attracted to you anymore, but can bare to leave you and lose your company) then i would wonder if, being so young, you should both just move on and find happier more fulfilling relationships to be in..

Calibos

Hmmm. I'd be wondering if some here are barking up the wrong tree in terms of think her issues are abuse or rape related.

OP said she took legal substances to enable her to go through with the act for his sake. Would anti anxiety drugs help her go through with the act if her issues were rape or abuse related?? I woudn't have thought so. and as the last poster said, the crying could be just the whole stress of the therapy session and having to tell a stranger your deepest secrets. Could this be a simple case of vaginismus? or psychological issue not related to rape or abuse?

KateF

OMG ROFLcakes! wrote: »

How do you know she will never be interested again? And if she's that bad, surely she could/should seek professional threapy?

+1

KateF

m83 wrote: »

Seriously, dump her. If you are even contempating cheating now then you couldn't really love her. It's for her own good.

BTW.. You're clearly trying to convince yourself that it's ok to cheat because she won't put out. Get over yourself.

Completely disagree with you. So, you say "dump her"....so then real issue at hand never even gets dealt with?! He loves her, they had a healthy sex life before this, so whatever happened to kill her sex drive will have to be dealt with.
I do not think that contemplating cheating means he doesn't lover her. Its been 2 years for Christ sake! And he is a man after all! I hear sex is fairly important to them
She's young, she can't not ever have sex again?! There's some underlying issue here, obviously, when therapy was painful, that means its working! Its painful and you don't want that to continue, but would you rather continue down this path, whcih can only end painfully if left alone? I think you know what you need to do anyway. You just needed collective guidance