Second chance?

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I am not sure if I can put this right, but I’ll try hard.
Two weeks ago my girlfriend of five years and I have broke up. It was her decision and I said okay, because I knew why - it is my fault.
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I am everything that I despise in others. I am selfish, self-pitying, lacking confidence, lying, undisciplined, pathetic and miserable loser. I am incapable of finding courage to do anything, unable to stand up for myself and others, afraid of rejection and confrontation. I’ve been like that for as long as I remember. And she got tired. She was patient, caring, affectionate, honest, supportive, the best friend, but she grew tired. After five years of my indecision, she doesn’t see the point in living together anymore. And I know that now it is easier for her.
I know I have to face the music now, and boy it’s ripping my ears. I also want to change. I want to change so that she could see that I can be a different person, so that she could happy with me. I want a job, where I could get weekends off, so I can sleep in with her beside me.
We bought an apartment last year, and I am afraid that she sees it as the only thing that’s tying us right now. I would like to believe that it could actually save our relationship. She is living with her parents right now, and our place is full of her stuff, of our stuff. I have nowhere to go. She says we need a few months apart to get our heads sorted. But I am afraid she’s got hers sorted already.
I am looking for opinions/advice from people who have been in similar situations. If you were her, would you give me a second chance?
Thanks

Wibbs

doesntmatter wrote: »

If you were her, would you give me a second chance?

Only if you change for yourself first and foremost. Also show change don't say you'll change. Regardless of what happens, this is your chance to get you, the real you as it were, back. BTW the self pitying you isnt it.

MIN2511

I think you should give her space and ion the time she's thinking you can improve yourself. You have to change for yourself first and be ready for rejection if she still wont date you.

gamblitis

Leave things as they are for a while. I know i don't know exactly how women think but i would imagine that after 5 years she hardly got over you just with the flick of her fingers.

Give yourself a kick in the ass and get it into gear. Once you have a job and you start to feel more confident in yourself maybe give her a buzz and see if she would like to talk. Tell her how your doing but don't be too forward, once she sees that your on the way up i'm sure she'll see again what she once did and maybe buy her something nice for an upcoming occasion.Nothing too special ya don't wanna seem like a stalker. If you can feel her warming to you or noticing some changes in her attitude then you know your doing something right. If not i'm afraid this ship has sailed and the best thing you can do is fix yourself up and look for someone new.

IvaBigWun

5 years is a long time to put up with the traits that you just described OP. So she loves you. Deeply.

But you need turn yourself around, and do whatever that entails.

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I am everything that I despise in others. I am selfish, self-pitying, lacking confidence, lying, undisciplined, pathetic and miserable loser. I am incapable of finding courage to do anything, unable to stand up for myself and others, afraid of rejection and confrontation. I’ve been like that for as long as I remember.

Why?

Lack of self confidence is something you can resolve with practice. The rest? Well if you're just a nasty person then you can change that too. You're going to have to or you'll lose her forever. Girls, in general, dont f*ck around when it comes to stuff like this.

Change yourself for the better and when you meet up with her let her see it in your eyes that you're a new person.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

The most annoying thing now to me is the mood changes. I wake up in a fairly good humour, but as the day goes by and I am back home from work, I walk from corner to corner crying my eyes out, or ring her mother. I am on very good terms with her, I consider her my mother-in-law, even though in 5 years I COULDN'T EVEN MANAGE TO BUY HER DAUGHTER A RING!!!She's my closest friend right now. And I feel bad that I lay down my bad emotions on her, because she has her own daughter to take care of.
I have decided to change, but I am not sure I have the strength and energy. I don't know where to look for it. Sometimes the feeling of regret and guilt is so strong, that I want to just feckn DISAPPEAR. But I decided to seek counseling. My GP recommended Accord, so I rang them today, but still waiting for them to ring me back to confirm the appointment. Not really sure if they are going to deal with me though.

Karen_*

Well there must be an awful lot right with you OP and you must have loads of good things about you that she stayed with you for five years and also that her mother is so fond of you.

You might be all the things you listed but I'm sure the good things about you make up a far longer list.

And if a relationship breaks down it is rarely one persons fault except in the case of abuse. What was your indecision about and why were you indecisive? Was it about marrying her?

LegacyUser

Yes, marrying her. She says that even engagement would've sufficed. But it's not only that. I didn't do enough to get a new job so I could spend more quality time together. I just kept on complaining and sat there and did nothing. I hate my job to the point where the best thing about it is going home. Now I've no reason to go home. I work weekend and she is off. I had to squeeze work and leisure in two days. I had to go work half-drunk and sleep-deprived. I would go along to pubs with her because I enjoyed her company. It's a long story, but eventually, I think, she developed a drinking problem. Now everyone is worried about her health, because she isn't the healthiest person on earth and drinking doesn't help. I am worried, her family is worried, but she doesn't see it as a genuine concern. She sees it as if everyone is trying to tell her how to live her life. And she's angry at me that I was telling everyone that she has this problem and that nobody actually tried to find out why. And I know why - because of me, she's made it clear. I've never had the balls to tell my boss to give me a weekend off so we could go somewhere. I am always worried about money and there's always more important things to buy than just feckn travel somewhere and have a laugh. In 5 years we had only 10 days of proper holidays. In other words, I just didn't do enough to spend more time with her. I didn't pay enough attention. I didn't take her seriously.

Karen_*

Well do you want to get married to her now? You really do need to think about that one and put aside the panic you're feeling. If she hadn't gone would you want to marry her because there must have been something stopping you before?

How bads the drinking problem because thats not just going to go away whether you change jobs and buy an engagement ring. What I'm trying to say is that while you've played your part in this outcome its not really all your fault.

Dragan

Way too much self pity in your posts dude. You know what you need to do, you have a time frame in which to do it.

You need to start turning your attitude around and now. First and foremost figure out what would make you happy in yourself and go from there.

Best of luck with it mate.

Phoenix_Rising

doesntmatter wrote: »

Yes, marrying her. She says that even engagement would've sufficed. But it's not only that. I didn't do enough to get a new job so I could spend more quality time together. I just kept on complaining and sat there and did nothing. I hate my job to the point where the best thing about it is going home. Now I've no reason to go home. I work weekend and she is off. I had to squeeze work and leisure in two days. I had to go work half-drunk and sleep-deprived. I would go along to pubs with her because I enjoyed her company. It's a long story, but eventually, I think, she developed a drinking problem. Now everyone is worried about her health, because she isn't the healthiest person on earth and drinking doesn't help. I am worried, her family is worried, but she doesn't see it as a genuine concern. She sees it as if everyone is trying to tell her how to live her life. And she's angry at me that I was telling everyone that she has this problem and that nobody actually tried to find out why. And I know why - because of me, she's made it clear. I've never had the balls to tell my boss to give me a weekend off so we could go somewhere. I am always worried about money and there's always more important things to buy than just feckn travel somewhere and have a laugh. In 5 years we had only 10 days of proper holidays. In other words, I just didn't do enough to spend more time with her. I didn't pay enough attention. I didn't take her seriously.

If she has a drink problem she doesnt have it because of anything you have done and nothing you will do will cure it. That is her own demon.