Feeling she's cheated

LegacyUser

I know parts of this might come across as me being the psycho over-possessive husband but I’m hoping somebody can give me a little advice and help me move on. Basically for the last while I just can't get it out of my head that my wife has cheated. In many ways I know she's not the type and it has always been something she’s hated in others so I don’t know why I feel this way, to give a little background:

Everything was going well until about a year after we got married and she started hanging out with a new crowd, all of a sudden she wanted to go out on her own with them on Sat nights (which was fine with me), this quickly developed into every Sat night and before long she stopped coming home after nights out, staying over in her friend's apt (sharing a bed with her). She became v v possessive and secretive about her mobile phone, even taking it into the bathroom with her when she was having a shower. Sex, which was never a big thing between us totally stopped and so did any form of intimacy. If I tried to talk to her about her going out she would flip and say that I was trying to stop her from enjoying herself. She became exceptionally close with this other girl and for a while I thought they were having an affair and this wasn't just some silly male fantasy, basically things were pretty low.

Fast forward about a year from when it was at it's worst and things have improved a lot, I think maybe she was just acting out in a way she never did as a teenager, she's a lot more loving now and the going out alone has dropped off dramatically, she's even stopped staying out all night! So basically things are good, but even still I just can't shake the thoughts that she's had an affair or been unfaithful. It’s just a gut feeling I have but generally my gut feelings are very accurate. One night when drunk I asked her friend if anything had happened and her friend said no but looking back I guess what else would she say.

This is turning me into somebody who’s suspicious and mistrustful which really isn’t the person I am or want to be, previous girlfriends have commented on how I’m exactly the opposite. I think a lot of this might be that as I saw her assert her change into somebody I didn’t know any more that maybe her views on cheating had changed too, I think too it destroyed a lot of the trust between us. I know that if I don’t get this out of my head it’ll eventually only hurt our marriage but I just don’t know how to let it go. I could confront her but if she says no I know I still wouldn’t totally believe her. I guess in many ways it’s almost impossible to prove nothing happened, I mean how do you prove a negative, but has anybody any ideas on how I might be able to put these thoughts out of my head

05D

Hi OP,

I know how you feel, i was tormented by thoughts that my BF cheated on me when we 1st started dating. I found out he stayed over in an ex's house one night after drinking a bottle of wine. I was raging and totally gutted. I asked him out straight whether he cheated or not and he promised me he didn't. I believe him but every now and again I was getting paranoid and started getting these negative thoughts which was really affecting our relationship.

So I decided to do something about it. I went and got some hypnotherapy to help my self esteem, confidence and help get rid of negative thoughts.

www.irishhypnosis.com

John Mason

well, from what you said, i think it would appear that she had some kind of affair thing. The whole very secretive thing with the phone is a dead give away.

but it appears to finished and your wife has come back to you. you have to ask yourself but you really want to open that big can of worms or just move on and leave it in the past?

dango

you have to ask yourself but you really want to open that big can of worms or just move on and leave it in the past?

Clearly it is important to the OP otherwise he wouldn't be in this dilemma. Communication is the key to any relationship. If you don't talk about it with your OH then it'll eat you up and will result in mistrust, resentment and could lead to more serious problems. OP you should openly talk to her about it, the longer you leave it the harder it'll be to deal with.

boogle

I don't think you are being a jealous husband at all. In fact, you have been more than understanding and accomodating to her for whatever she had going on back then. You may be right, she might have cheated, but that is always the easiest conclusion to jump to (probably because it' smost likely) but she may have had other personal issues at the time that affected her behaviour. E.g drink or drugs usage (you know better whether she is the type to fall into this) or as you say just a rebellion thing. Bottom line, you are not out of line to wonder what went on. You have to decide if you want to potentially open a can of worms to comfirm or disprove your fears, or if you want to just build on what you have now and move on.

Zulu

Is there children? If not walk.
Your marrage is a joke and she's treating you like shit.

Sorry buddy but you need to stand up for yourself/self respect and leave.

AngryBadger

OP you need to speak to your partner about this, ask her if something happened with someone else, and you need to decide whether you trust her enough to believe what she tells you for better or worse.

Sorry but in this situation those are your only choices, if you can't trust her enough now to believe whatever she tells you then the relationship is dead in the water, and unfortunately if you do trust her enough to believe her you may not like what she has to say, but at least then you can try to fix things, if that's what you still want.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I know the fact she's still with me should be enough to leave whatever may or may not have happened in the past and just accept that she's with me now but I just can't seem to. I've tried bringing the subject up in a round-about way and told her that I'd rather know if anything ever happened which she agreed she'd be the same. To be honest I don't know what I expect to get from asking people here cause I know it's ultimately down to me to sort this out, in some ways I guess it's maybe just to get it off my chest but really I guess I just want to find some advice on how to move on.

I can't just walk away cause, besides loving her, I could be punishing her for something she hasn't done. Maybe time will sort it out in my head, the thing that's messing me up is that my gut feelings, no matter how ridiculous they seemed at the time have pretty much always been right which is why I'm finding this so hard to shake off. I feel I'm just grasping at straws in thinking there's a way to shake this off but I have to try before it becomes descructive

LegacyUser

OP
I'd wager that something was going on, I certainly wouldnt call it normal for married people to be staying apart from each other on regular 'nights out' and at the least she owes some form of explaination of her past behaviour
(If there's smoke there's generally fire nearby)

her silence and secrecy is speaking all by itself. A definate chat is needed, to find out a) what went on/clear the air and b) why she felt the 'need' to keep staying away from home on nights out

I wonder how you'd fair if you stayed out all night ???

Lack of respect on your wife's part and her silence is doing damage to your marriage

Sugar Drunk

well, I know things seem better now but it was never clear what went on in the past and nothing to say that I will not happened again. Theres two options
- open a can of worms and dredge it back up and ask for an explanation and some honesty about what the hell it was all about.
- leave it behind and be grateful she came back to you and that things are better

you must be a saint to have put up with her behaviour and its amazing that she seems to think its okay to never have told you what it was all about!

option two is obviously not working as you are still consumed by thoughts of it (cant blame you!).
It sounds like she had some kind of affair all the signs are there-hiding the phone, no sex, secrecy, going out without you and the old chestnut of 'staying over in a friends.- did you ever meet this 'friend'? she said it was female but god knows it could have been a man. she may have had an affair. or a lesbian affair or been on drugs but you see all the speculation in the world will not tell you what went on - only she can.

marti101

Really its a nono staying out all night especially as you werent long married.Being glued to the phone bringing it to stupid places like the toilet is a dead give away i know thats how i found out about my oh.I dont think you sound paranoid from what you told us something did or was going to happen.I think you have to clear the air as it will end up killing you and id always say go with your gut instinct if you think something happenend it probably did.There has to be a paper trail if she did cheat there is evidence all you need to do is find it cause people arent as smart as they think they are.Is there any chance you could have a litle look around and see if you find something cause if you go charging in without proof they will say you are imagining it and wriggle their way out of it.Get some proof,confront her but be prepared to here some home truths so if you are still willing go for it but if you think it will damamge things further leave well alone but keep your eye out for it again and trust your gut.

LegacyUser

Just2Jealous?? wrote: »

I know the fact she's still with me should be enough to leave whatever may or may not have happened in the past and just accept that she's with me now but I just can't seem to. I've tried bringing the subject up in a round-about way and told her that I'd rather know if anything ever happened which she agreed she'd be the same. To be honest I don't know what I expect to get from asking people here cause I know it's ultimately down to me to sort this out, in some ways I guess it's maybe just to get it off my chest but really I guess I just want to find some advice on how to move on.

I can't just walk away cause, besides loving her, I could be punishing her for something she hasn't done. Maybe time will sort it out in my head, the thing that's messing me up is that my gut feelings, no matter how ridiculous they seemed at the time have pretty much always been right which is why I'm finding this so hard to shake off. I feel I'm just grasping at straws in thinking there's a way to shake this off but I have to try before it becomes descructive

She has been treating you like a MUG mate.

NEVER let a woman treat you like this.

As a man, you have to be willing to walk away from anything.

You should have nipped this in the bud when she started going out by leaving straight away. But you showed her that she can walk all over you with no consequence. All that will happen is you will skirt around the issue and get all depressed and insecure. She has you exactly where she wants you mate and can act as she wants knowing that you have no backbone to do anything about it.

Give her and inch, she took a mile.

She will wash, rince and repeat over and over.

ANd do you SERIOUSLY think she WASN'T with other lads? I mean, come on man. I wouldn't be surprised if she STILL IS!

Get a paternity test for any kids you have/will have!

I say this with good intentions mate to snap you out of it!

I hope you have a long think after reading this post!

helimachoptor

Op just from my own experience, if you start hiding your phone, taking it to the toilet etc something is up.

You've got some tough decisions ahead.

LegacyUser

That's like just out of a textbook, of 'signs your oh was cheating'

gamblitis

IMHO there may have been something happening but maybe she has stopped it all realizing whats most important, not wanting to jeopardize your relationship. I would suggest you try erase this from your mind as it will eat you up inside and will cause alot more trouble than its worth. Maybe as suggested before just see a therapist because its alot harder to deal with it by yourslef.
Hope it works out

MagicMarker

Question is, if you were to ask her straight out and she said No, would you believe her?

If your answer is no, then leave.

vorbis

I'm in awe at some of the responses. They basically say that she "might" have been cheating so if things are ok now leave it go. I've seeen other posts on here about a bf or a gf cheating and its always been "Dump them" Why is this woman receiving special treatment?

OP she treated you like muck and gave you no reason for it. Her actions made it very likely she was up to something. Why would you take that off anyone? Whats stopping her acting like that again? Tbh if it was me, I'd be divorced by now.

IvaBigWun

She's 90% definitely cheating on you.

The question is can you save the marriage and do you want to?

SarahJ

IvaBigWun wrote: »

She's 90% definitely cheating on you.

The question is can you save the marriage and do you want to?

My God, you can't possible give this percentage to the man! No-one know until he confronts her

Wagon

Go over to her right now and ask what the hell happened back then. Bollix to just "letting it go". Show yourself some respect and get an explanation. Get the balls to leave if you feel you have to. You'll be a hundred times better off then you are now.

MCMLXXXIII

Well hang on...it might not be cheating.

It could be hard drugs.

Either way, it isn't something that I would stick around for, but it sounds like you have been through the worst of it, and it's getting better.

Both have happened to me, and they are both the same type of secretive, phone-hiding, spend-the-night-until-I-am-sober/showered, get an all new group of friends situations...and TBH I would rather be cheated on than be messing around with drugs. I broke it off for both situations, but it seems like cheating can heal, but drugs only get worse over time...very rarely (and after a long time) do people become completely over it.

I don't know how open you two are with your relationship, or if you would be okay with your wife cheating...or taking crystal meth...or both, but that needs to be worked out between the two of you.

magick

Just2Jealous?? wrote: »

She became v v possessive and secretive about her mobile phone, even taking it into the bathroom with her when she was having a shower.

this is a huge massive warning sign, if that happened to me id confront it head on right from the start. She may think ur psycho but also it will give u at least some answers ur looking for. I have never heard of someone being so possessive about a phone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the posts guys. In response to a few, if there's anything I'm sure about it's that she's not on drugs, her female friend definitely exists but like you say I have no guarantees that's where she stayed. I know a lot of people have basically said "grow a pair" and I guess they have a point but unfortunately it's harder when you're the one involved and in love with the person.

The whole thing about walking is that I could be ruining both our lives when I could be wrong. I guess a lot of this could be paranoia on my part over her attitude changing cause up to the point she started acting funny I would NEVER have thought she'd cheat.

I guess ultimately the only way I'll ever know is if somebody slips up or I confront her but I guess confronting her comes down to maybe catching her off guard but I guess I risk hurting her. I had thought about asking her friend cause we've become quite close but it's probably unfair of me to put her in that position, especially if it lead to us breaking up and anyway there's always the chance she'd just cover for her.

I know this is one of those things I have to sort out myself but sometimes it just helps to get other people's perspectives to double check if you're just a total looney!!