Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

A different kind of confidence?

  • 17-08-2008 7:29pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm a male in my early 20s, I've had one girlfriend in my life, it lasted about 2 years on and off, with gaps of trying to be "just friends" that never worked out and we always ended up back together. We only got together in the first place because we were friends for a few months first, both liked each other and a kiss naturally happened.

    My problem is, I don't know any other way of meeting girls in "that way". I've seen threads here with people saying "girls are people too, talk to them" etc, and I do, I'm a confident guy, but I'm confident when I'm being friendly, and there's a difference between being friendly and being someone girls want to actually be with, from what I've seen.
    I'm not the most confident when it comes to making any "romantic" moves or anything like that, I used to be a fat ugly bloke, I'm (more or less) in shape now and I've been told I'm good looking from more than one person, but I still have a lot of insecurities, and I simply don't know how to actually start conversations with random girls, and when I do talk to them (through friends of friends and the like), I always end up being "friendly" and nothing ever comes from it.

    My problem comes from seeing a lot of guys who manage to have a new girlfriend every week, or even just hearing about friends asking girls out and that kind of thing, recently I realised that all of that is completely alien to me, and I have literally no idea how to get "dates".

    Sorry about the length of the post.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43 Fifilefleure


    Hi OP, well you have overcome the most major obstacle - which is actually talking to girls!! :D well done!! Keep been friendly and confident - don't look at it in a romantic way - if you feel things are going well, ask her what she is doing later/ during the week and would she like to meet up for a drink etc!! Most girls respect someone who has the nerve to ask them out & will be flattered to be asked anyways!! Good luck :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 529 ✭✭✭rhapsody!


    Trying to find common ground is always a good thing. Just find something you share in common and it'll give you something to talk about.

    I'm terrible with advice, but good luck anyway. Hope you get things sorted :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,428 ✭✭✭sunnyside


    Jiggle wrote: »
    Most girls respect someone who has the nerve to ask them out & will be flattered to be asked anyways!! Good luck :D

    I love men who just ask straight out instead of all the game playing that seems to go on.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,372 Mod ✭✭✭✭andrew


    I think the OP wants advice on how to come accross more 'dateable/rideable' to women he talks to rather than advice he's been given to just ask women out. I coud be wrong though, just the impression I got.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    andrew wrote: »
    I think the OP wants advice on how to come accross more 'dateable/rideable' to women he talks to rather than advice he's been given to just ask women out. I coud be wrong though, just the impression I got.

    To be honest, I'm not sure what I want, I think it's a combination of the two really.
    I want to come across as someone who's more than a nice guy and a bit of a laugh, but since I'm the male I'm expected to do all the hard work with the asking out etc. and to be honest, I don't have a clue how to do any of that either.

    I also have trouble starting conversations with people, I'm fine once they speak to me first. I guess I'm just insecure, but I honestly don't know how to just spark up random conversation. I've seen people giving the advice to "just start with a hello then work from there", but after they reply, likely also with "hello", what can be said?

    Thanks for the replys guys, I'm sure I seem like a fool here, I feel like one anyway.


  • Advertisement
  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,539 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    Thanks for the replys guys, I'm sure I seem like a fool here, I feel like one anyway.
    "We are all fools in love," or when attempting to approach another with that intent in mind. So remember that while you stumble along with the rest of us, and don't let thoughts of appearing foolish stand in your way of asking a girl out.

    Sure, some of your mates may appear to be better at it, but that comes with practice, just like anything else in life. They stumbled too, and if they were honest with you, they probably still do, especially if the girl is hot.

    Building a friendship first is wise indeed, if you are looking for that someone special to have a meaningful and lasting relationship with, so I would not discourage you from that practice. Once friendship begins, don't hold back or be afraid of appearing foolish, ask her out!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    We only got together in the first place because we were friends for a few months first, both liked each other and a kiss naturally happened..

    So in fact you were friends with your g/friend before you got together.
    My problem is, I don't know any other way of meeting girls in "that way". I've seen threads here with people saying "girls are people too, talk to them" etc, and I do, I'm a confident guy, but I'm confident when I'm being friendly, and there's a difference between being friendly and being someone girls want to actually be with, from what I've seen..

    Why? See above :)
    You can't force something in my experience, just talking and letting things develop I ahve always found to be the only way.
    I'm not the most confident when it comes to making any "romantic" moves or anything like that, I used to be a fat ugly bloke, I'm (more or less) in shape now and I've been told I'm good looking from more than one person, but I still have a lot of insecurities, and I simply don't know how to actually start conversations with random girls, and when I do talk to them (through friends of friends and the like), I always end up being "friendly" and nothing ever comes from it. .

    Two issues here. One connected to the other and boiling down to your self esteem.
    So work on your self esteem issued, in terms of leaving the "fat, ugly bloke" go. You have changed physically and now must aim to do so mentally.

    I said before, nothing wrong with being friendly, just take the extra step of asking for the number at the end of the night.

    I am not the best as talking to random people, but its a truism that if you ask them about themselves and listen to what they are saying then the conversation will guide itself.

    My problem comes from seeing a lot of guys who manage to have a new girlfriend every week, or even just hearing about friends asking girls out and that kind of thing, recently I realised that all of that is completely alien to me, and I have literally no idea how to get "dates".

    Do you want to be like that?
    In the end, its up to you to do something in this regard, a lot of it will be due to your self view and the willingness not to take being rebuffed too personally or as a blow to your self esteem... but learn from where you didn't succeed.
    To be honest, I'm not sure what I want, I think it's a combination of the two really.
    I want to come across as someone who's more than a nice guy and a bit of a laugh, but since I'm the male I'm expected to do all the hard work with the asking out etc. and to be honest, I don't have a clue how to do any of that either..

    I see, its entirely possible to get dates, but not by "seeming" to be something you are not, but by being something you are.
    But of course you have to work out who you are first :).
    I also have trouble starting conversations with people, I'm fine once they speak to me first. I guess I'm just insecure, but I honestly don't know how to just spark up random conversation. I've seen people giving the advice to "just start with a hello then work from there", but after they reply, likely also with "hello", what can be said?.

    Think about what you want to ask before you ask it :-). Again, ask them about themselves and take it from there.
    But i ain't the best in group social situations, but i tend to listen and work at things
    Thanks for the replys guys, I'm sure I seem like a fool here, I feel like one anyway.

    That is probably what is stopping you moving ahead :).
    This issue is so common that no one is thinking you a fool.
    ................ except yourself :)

    And finally... there is only one person who can sort this out...yourself :). Really look at what the block is: self-esteem, fear of rejection, not knowing what to say etc.
    Then look at ways to overcome it


Advertisement