bf with a drink problem?

LegacyUser

Do I have a right to be annoyed/upset here? My boyfriend was supposed to meet me after I finished work at 12 tonight. He decided to go for a drink with someone we've only just met, but said it would only be one or 2.

Texted him close to when I was finishing to see if was still meeting me and got no reply. Finally he says he's not going to make it he's in some pub with X so he asks me to meet him there. Get there after numerous texts and phonecalls to see if he was still there and there's no sign of him. Now he wont answer any texts and his phone is ringing out.

He has done this to me countless times and I'm really getting sick of it now. He could at least have the decency to reply and let me know where he is. Its like as soon as he has a drink he forgets all about me. I really feel like leaving and staying somewhere else tonight because I can't face the thought of lying there waiting for him to come home.

Drink has become an issue with us lately, I've asked him to cut down and he either agrees or goes on the defensive. Doesn't matter which because as soon as theres a chance for a drink he's there, no matter what promises he's made. He has also started becoming violent towards me when drunk recently (pushing/shoving me, not hitting)

How can I get him to see that maybe he has a problem with drink without pushing him away? Or am I just overreacting?

AARRRGH

Was he meeting a female? There could be more to this than just a drink problem.

To answer your question, yes he definitely has a drink problem. Why? Because his drinking is causing problems.

You are definitely not overreacting. The fact that things have gotten physical makes me think it is now time to break up with him.

It sounds like he doesn't give a ****.

McGinty

Hi Op

I see a few problems here, the first is he has no respect for you unfortunately and it sounds like drink has become more important than you. The problem is you can't get him to stop or even to see the error of his ways, he needs to see it for himself. Now that could happen soon or it could happen much later, but you need to weigh up the emotional cost for yourself, it is yourself you need to care for in this situation. Do you really want to spend all your time wondering if he will turn up, or be drunk, let you down, shove you around, do you really want this type of treatment. Now when he is sober he may talk the good talk, and the part of you that loves him will cling to that, but you have to judge him on his actions not his words. You have a right to be treated with dignity, but only you can achieve that by caring for yourself.

Flamed Diving

Run a mile.

superjosh9

how do,

I'm a guy - have given up drinking for just over a year now - was very much of the out every week type. I've pretty much dropped all of my friends because all they do is drink to get drunk twice a week... everything revolves around that. All are in good jobs, have partners - but when it comes to this, seem pretty immature. I can't see them changing their ways. I've had to listen to a million drunken stories from guys I know going on and on about their girl-friends and how bad they have it - when in fact they are lucky but are too selfish to see it - it's as if all that matters in the world is drink. Get's a little boring after a while.

This has been going on since we were 16/17/18... is that all Irish people have in life???

Anyway, point is - doubt he's going to change. If I were you, I'd drop him and get someone that treats you with a little more respect and doesn't take you for granted. Unfortunately, I doubt he's thinking 'oh what have I done?' this morning. Prob couldn't care less and is annoyed that you are nagging him...

If it was me and some girl was acting like that, I'd let it happen once - twice would set alarm bells ringing. I mean what would be the point in hanging around?

Anyway, luck to you..!

superjosh9

McGinty wrote: »

Hi Op

I see a few problems here, the first is he has no respect for you unfortunately and it sounds like drink has become more important than you. The problem is you can't get him to stop or even to see the error of his ways, he needs to see it for himself. Now that could happen soon or it could happen much later, but you need to weigh up the emotional cost for yourself, it is yourself you need to care for in this situation. Do you really want to spend all your time wondering if he will turn up, or be drunk, let you down, shove you around, do you really want this type of treatment. Now when he is sober he may talk the good talk, and the part of you that loves him will cling to that, but you have to judge him on his actions not his words. You have a right to be treated with dignity, but only you can achieve that by caring for yourself.

sorry didnt notice this post - everything needed to be said has been said in this. +1.

4Xcut

Unreg5678_ wrote: »

Do I have a right to be annoyed/upset here? My boyfriend was supposed to meet me after I finished work at 12 tonight. He decided to go for a drink with someone we've only just met, but said it would only be one or 2.

Texted him close to when I was finishing to see if was still meeting me and got no reply. Finally he says he's not going to make it he's in some pub with X so he asks me to meet him there. Get there after numerous texts and phonecalls to see if he was still there and there's no sign of him. Now he wont answer any texts and his phone is ringing out.

He has done this to me countless times and I'm really getting sick of it now. He could at least have the decency to reply and let me know where he is. Its like as soon as he has a drink he forgets all about me. I really feel like leaving and staying somewhere else tonight because I can't face the thought of lying there waiting for him to come home.

Drink has become an issue with us lately, I've asked him to cut down and he either agrees or goes on the defensive. Doesn't matter which because as soon as theres a chance for a drink he's there, no matter what promises he's made. He has also started becoming violent towards me when drunk recently (pushing/shoving me, not hitting)

How can I get him to see that maybe he has a problem with drink without pushing him away? Or am I just overreacting?

This is the problem here. If he drank a lot, it is bad, but here he is becoming abusive, and no, not just physically, this is also emotional abuse in my opinion. How could someone you love being violent towards you not be.

The other thing is that he may "only" push/shove you now, but this will get worse. I would say that most people who change their behavour do it very slowly over time, they don't notice. Same as someone who, starts to drink more and more but only slightly, or someone who starts putting less time into a relationship, again only slightly but slowly these slight changes mount up.

The point i'm trying to make is that he now thinks its ok to be abusive to you. You will not change him. You should walk away now and save yourself a lot of pain, emotionally and possibly physically.

You may respond that you love him, and i'm sure you do. But he doesn't love you enough if he is behaving like this.

Just give youself an answer to the question of how you would advise a sister/good friend in this situation. If you are completely honest with yourself, follow that advice.

best of luck with making what is a hard decision.

littlefriend

You poor thing. You need to leave this guy. Easier said than done but in the long run it WILL be the easier thing to have done.
I went through the same thing with my ex and it broke me. You question are you right to think he is out of order and mention him being violent [but only pushing you around not actually hitting you]. I did the same. I remember saying that he was kicking me in the stomach but he was really drunk so he didn't know what he was doing. What a joke. He'd say he was in a cab on the way home and then would disappear for a couple of days. I could go on and on - fast forward two years - I am still getting over the breakdown I had and he now has no job, think his parents have thrown him out [he's 30] and he owes thousands in child support [not my child thank God].
Whenever I tried to finish things all of the I love you's etc were so overpowering that I kept thinking he'd changed - but he hadn't and still hasn't. I remember him holding on to my legs as I tried to leave bawling crying promising me the earth and saying no one else could help him or understand him. Again I stayed. This was repeated a few times until finally I MENTALLY detached from him.
You will probably hear the same things from your boyfriend - don't fall for it. He clearly has a drink problem and you CAN NOT change him.
Please get out now before he ruins you. You sound like a lovely person - don't be broken by someone who isn't even thinking about you. I remember sitting up worrying because he hadn't arrived home [again] and crying my eyes out when it occurred to me that while I was losing my mind, he was out clinking glasses with any gob****e who was in the pub. I think that was the turning point for me in terms of detaching myself.
I lost so many friends because I turned into a nervous, crying wreck and as for my self esteem - I'm still trying to get it back. Thats what I mean - when all of this was breaking me - he was out partying.

Karen_*

He definately has a drink problem and he won't change unless he really wants to. Unfortunately no amount of pleasding from you is going to make him want to. He's causing enormous amounts of stress and choosing drink over you. Never stay with a man who doesn't put you first. If you step back from it and ask yourself if you can see a future with someone who puts himself and drink before you you'll answer no.

If you tell him you're leaving he'll say he'll change. But he won't. It has to be something that he eventually decides to do for himself. And he may never come to the conclusion that he has to change.

This doesn't have to be your life you know. And the violence will progress and eventually he won't even have to be drunk to give you a shove.

Go-Go-Gadget

never given this advice before, dump his ass and run.

LegacyUser

I don't know how much more you can take. I can tell you that he won't stop drinking for you. If he is addicted to alcohol, he has to hit rock bottom, so you either have to let him get there in his own time or be a catalyst towards him losing it all by leaving him

I go to al anon (a support group built on the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous for people affected by alcoholism - look it up on the web if you're interested in going to a meeting) and I can't sing its' praises enough. In all probability, you will be affected/changed by his behavior (whether you stay or go) and this group teaches you how to detach (you are not to blame for his actions/outbursts/lies about stopping drinking/anything else that's his stuff that he expects you to take on), how to cope by not worrying about him and, most importantly, a safe, anonymous place to share and listen. It amazes me how similarly alcoholics act and affect their loved ones.

I'll just leave you with the serenity prayer - "(God) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Look after yourself first and foremost.
There can be talk of God (which I get a bit annoyed with) and "higher power" (this can be whatever you want - Id, music, nature, society, etc.) but, as theyy say at the start and end of each meeting, "take what you want and leave the rest".

little miss

There's nothing you can do to help him unless he wants to help himself. And it seriously doesn't sound like it. Personally, I think this relationship is just going to end up hurting you more and more if you stay. And it could get more violent. I think you have to be brave. Maybe breaking up with him over his drinking will make him think about his intake, and force him to seek help. If so, then maybe in the future you might be able to try again. If not, then don't hang on to something that's clearly not working. Just think what would happen if you had kids together, and his drinking got worse. Is this what you want your future to be like? And if he does stop drinking for a while, what's to say he won't start again in the future?

I know its always difficult to end a relationship but you can't be with someone who rates alcohol more highly than you. Good luck. Thinking of you xx

05D

Turn off your phone and run!
I wouldn't give him the time of day. He needs to be thought a lesson.

millyj

definitely leave him. its just going to get worse and worse. you deserve so much more respect than that . at the moment you are not high on hsi list of priorities, drink is. Who wants to be in that situation?

I knwo how difficult it is but I went through the same as you and he did start hitting me and it got so bad one night that he trashed my apartment and really laid into me with his fists. Things got so bad that the neighbours called the guards. He also got done for drink driving.

Its going to be hard to walk away but you will meet someone who prefers to spend time with you than propping up a bar at any given opportunity.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies and advice. Some of your experiences make me feel like my problems are minor but it's great that you all got through it.

Silly me believed his promises and it was ok for a couple of weeks but he's gone and done the same thing today. Got home to find him a drunken wreck. The most worrying part for me is that he was meant to be working today and didn't show up. His job is really important to him so this is a sign that maybe he's getting worse?

I'm not crying this time though, I really just feel angry. It's the deliberation of the whole thing that pisses me off, he knows I'm at work, sees me off with a kiss after saying how busy he will be working and then runs to the pub and proceeds to ignore me for the day (or answers his phone but hangs up when he realises its me.)

From reading the replies its clear how this seems from an outside perspective and what I should do. This is the person that I thought I was going to marry, but when I think that he might never change, it makes me even sadder than the thought of us breaking up.

Anyway, sorry for the rant