No sex

LegacyUser

I know this PI has been done to death but I need people's opinions on my problem, if you would be so kind.

Been with my bf for a few years now and we live together. For the last year we have only had sex a handfull of times, for example once in the last 6 months. Thing is I know without a doubt he loves me in the way he acts and the way he shows me. I have told him upteen times to leave me if he feels the spark has gone or he is not attracted to me anymore. Last year we had a horrible few months and in an argument he told me he saw me as a friend and wasn't so attracted to me anymore that's why he wasn't able to have sex with me. This wounded me to the core and I wanted to leave but he begged me to stay and things have worked out since. I have asked him a few times about that horrible horrible thing he said to me and he said it was in anger and he didn't mean it.

Fair enough - well not really - but fast forward months later and we are still not having sex!! I have just changed the bedsheets and seen that he has obviously...um...pleasured himself in the last few days (same things happened last week) and this has really really upset me. Before anyone bites my head off, I do the same myself a few times a week so my issue is not with masturbation but with the fact that here are two attractive young people sharing a bed and doing their own thing but not with each other. I do it because I am sexually frustrated and he obviously has desires so why isn't he doing it with me?
And no, I am very sure he is not cheating. I am just feeling so sad and lonely and I know that we get on amazingly well during the week but here comes yet another weekend of arguements because sex won't happen. I have just spent the last half hour crying knowing what's ahead of me. We have talked this out to death and nothing has changed.

Any opinions please?

LegacyUser

OP when you havent had sex in a while 'an invisiable wall' can build up. IT becomes more and more awkward to initiate sex
General uncomfort surrounds the whole sex thing then.

What I would suggest is a talk and set up a sex date,
eg next tuesday we will have sex and the tuesday after that - get it routine and then it will grow life of its own!!!

STUBBORNGIRL

sex is a very important aspect of any relationship.

You need to speak with your boyfriend and find out why he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore. If the reason is as before - that he doesnt find you attractive and see's you more as a friend, then i am sorry to say but this relationship has run its course!

It may be that your bf is afraid of being on his own and has opted to stay with you out of loneliness more so - and if this is the case then you need to cut free from this - as it is doing neither of you any favours.

Can i suggest you speak with him this evening and tell him you are not happy that the sex is gone from the relationship and if he is not attracted to you then he needs to tell you so that you dont waste any more of your time hanging onto something that is dead in the wood. Communication is very important and both of you need this heart to heart.

I can imagine your frustration - sharing a bed with someone and no sex - i would be driven to leeson street

LegacyUser

For a guy to jerk off instead of having sex when his partner is ready and willing is very strange...

How was sex when you first got together?? How frequent?? He doesn't have any functional problems?? If you intiate how does he react?? The occasions you had sex in the past year did everything go OK?? Have you put on any weight / changed your appearance in the last year?? Has anything traumatic/life changing happened in the last year?? Stresses/pressures?

Something is stopping this guy from wanting to have sex...

How Strange

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

It may be that your bf is afraid of being on his own and has opted to stay with you out of loneliness more so - and if this is the case then you need to cut free from this - as it is doing neither of you any favours.

This is quite a plausible reason. Why would your OH you that he ddoesn't find you sexually attractive anymore and only see you as a friend if he didn't mean it. Naturally he knows that will hurt you to the core.

OP, IMO I think he was trying to break up with you (or get you to break up with him) and then was too scared to follow it through and that's why he took it back. But once something like that has been said it can never be taken back and it's not a good sign that he hasn't made any attempt to rekindle your sex life since.

I hope I'm wrong but that was what I thought straight away when I read your post. If that is the case you deserve more and better.

Magpie!

Run run run.


Someone once quoted to me that a good sex life accounts for 25% of the happiness in a relationship but if it's bad it causes 75% of the stress (think a friend heard it on a pre-marriage course)

I wasted my early 20s in a relationship like yours. We never really had a spark. We clicked straight away and were great friends but after the first year sex became a bit of a chore and then dropped off the agenda altogether.

You can feel like them most shallow selfish bitch in the world if you leave an otherwise perfect relationship becasue of the sex (or lack thereof) but if there isn't that type of intimacy there then it isn't an proper fulfilling adult relationship.

You can love someone with all your heart, but if there is no spark there i don't think you can be 'in love' with someone.

Al_Fernz

sosad wrote: »

things have worked out since.

No they havn't.

Sorry to be blunt but your boyfriend's comment didn't come out of leftfield. IMO there was some element of truth in it. I think your relationship has run its course.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies. I just cant explain that I know he wants to be with me - his actions (apart from the sex thing) show me that. Also on the physical side, he constantly touches me almost to the point of pestering me. We always kiss and cuddle on the couch and he is always feeling my *ss and his hands in my bra! He is extremely affectionate to me and I know for a fact that things have got much better in the last 6 months between us.
He is attending counselling as he wants us to have a happy relationship and wants to explore why he is finding it difficult to make love. We were absolute rabbits in the first year always at it. He says he finds it difficult to forgive and forget the bad time we had last year yet we get on extremely well most of the time - laughing, joking and being affectionate. We are always laughing together I think he is the funniest guy I have ever met. But inside I have this secret sadness. I HAVE talked to him, loads and loads and loads. But his answer is always the same 'I don't know why I don't want to have sex'.
I haven't put on any weight - I am still size ten with lovely b**bs he he! I am popular and confident not a stunner but well able to attract attention if need be!

I am so confused....and sad.

Miss Fluff

I know you aren't having sex but do you actually try and initiate it, and how so, or are you waiting in vain for him to get things moving?

I find it very odd that he loves feeling you up, fondling your boobs and playing with your ass etc and yet won't proceed further. Are you absolutely sure there is no erectile disfunction or some other problem at play here OP?

SarahJ

Its strange alright. Has anythin happened in your relationship that he could have lost trust etc in you or anything? thats what its seems like to me, there's some problem there

Ginny

Magpie! wrote: »

Run run run.


Someone once quoted to me that a good sex life accounts for 25% of the happiness in a relationship but if it's bad it causes 75% of the stress (think a friend heard it on a pre-marriage course)

I wasted my early 20s in a relationship like yours. We never really had a spark. We clicked straight away and were great friends but after the first year sex became a bit of a chore and then dropped off the agenda altogether.

You can feel like them most shallow selfish bitch in the world if you leave an otherwise perfect relationship becasue of the sex (or lack thereof) but if there isn't that type of intimacy there then it isn't an proper fulfilling adult relationship.

You can love someone with all your heart, but if there is no spark there i don't think you can be 'in love' with someone.

+1.
I've always found if the sex life goes the relationship will soon follow.
Sex is an important part of a relationship, and when it becomes an issue it becomes an even bigger part.
You need to sit him down and have it out with him, sleeping night after night in the same bed as someone who won't approach you sexually can be soul destroying and will eventually start eating away at your own self esteem.

Big Knox

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Are you absolutely sure there is no erectile disfunction or some other problem at play here OP?

This immediatly set the alarm bells off for me here. You said he kisses, cuddles and is intimate with you but he says he doesen't know why he doesen't want to have sex, I really have a hard time believing that.

It honestly could be a case of erectile disfunction which he is very embarrased about. Sapposidly only 20% of men with the problem will admit its true or go to a doctor. Somthing to think about, but I could be totally wrong!!

Best of luck anyway.

MagicMarker

I'm actually astounded that you haven't had sex but you still continuously flirt with one another physically

Magpie!

I slept inthe same bed with my ex and he'd stroke my hair as I feel asleep, always giving me hugs, kissing me on the cheek, would touch my shoulder if he walked by my chair.

All lovely and affectionate and makes you seem like the most perfect touchy feely couple.

But it's not sex.

And to follow up on what someone else said it is soul destroying. It eats away at you confidence. You no longer feel like a sexual person. Sex becomes something other people do. Like skiing or skydiving. I barely felt like a woman by the end of it.

Got the shock of my life (in the best possible way) when I discovered other men found me attractive and sexually desirable.

wasper

sosad wrote: »

I know this PI has been done to death but I need people's opinions on my problem, if you would be so kind.

Been with my bf for a few years now and we live together. For the last year we have only had sex a handfull of times, for example once in the last 6 months. Thing is I know without a doubt he loves me in the way he acts and the way he shows me. I have told him upteen times to leave me if he feels the spark has gone or he is not attracted to me anymore. Last year we had a horrible few months and in an argument he told me he saw me as a friend and wasn't so attracted to me anymore that's why he wasn't able to have sex with me. This wounded me to the core and I wanted to leave but he begged me to stay and things have worked out since. I have asked him a few times about that horrible horrible thing he said to me and he said it was in anger and he didn't mean it.

Fair enough - well not really - but fast forward months later and we are still not having sex!! I have just changed the bedsheets and seen that he has obviously...um...pleasured himself in the last few days (same things happened last week) and this has really really upset me. Before anyone bites my head off, I do the same myself a few times a week so my issue is not with masturbation but with the fact that here are two attractive young people sharing a bed and doing their own thing but not with each other. I do it because I am sexually frustrated and he obviously has desires so why isn't he doing it with me?
And no, I am very sure he is not cheating. I am just feeling so sad and lonely and I know that we get on amazingly well during the week but here comes yet another weekend of arguements because sex won't happen. I have just spent the last half hour crying knowing what's ahead of me. We have talked this out to death and nothing has changed.

Any opinions please?

It's time to call it a day. AS you say, both are young & attractive. Both are wasting away. Get out of this rot & meet a new guy. Leave now.

Oryx

It is possible to be touchy feely and affectionate with someone you dont find physically attractive. Doing such things away from the bed are in a safe zone where it wont lead to anything, and he could be doing it to keep the relationship sweet. You can adore someone and get on brilliantly with them, but not be able to translate that to a sexual relationship. Thats what it sounds like to me. You may have all the right things going for you both in terms of friendship, but not for sex (as long as you have ruled out a medical/dysfunctional reason in him).

For you at least, the sex is necessary, and I cant see your relationship surviving unless you get this right. It makes it so much harder when everything else is perfect, but if he cannot change his behaviour and sexual feelings, you need to find someone who will satisfy that part of your life. We only get one go at living, and its too short to waste, even with someone who loves you in all ways but one.

pookie82

sosad wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies. I just cant explain that I know he wants to be with me - his actions (apart from the sex thing) show me that. Also on the physical side, he constantly touches me almost to the point of pestering me. We always kiss and cuddle on the couch and he is always feeling my *ss and his hands in my bra! He is extremely affectionate to me and I know for a fact that things have got much better in the last 6 months between us.
He is attending counselling as he wants us to have a happy relationship and wants to explore why he is finding it difficult to make love. We were absolute rabbits in the first year always at it. He says he finds it difficult to forgive and forget the bad time we had last year yet we get on extremely well most of the time - laughing, joking and being affectionate. We are always laughing together I think he is the funniest guy I have ever met. But inside I have this secret sadness. I HAVE talked to him, loads and loads and loads. But his answer is always the same 'I don't know why I don't want to have sex'.
I haven't put on any weight - I am still size ten with lovely b**bs he he! I am popular and confident not a stunner but well able to attract attention if need be!

I am so confused....and sad.

Hang on a second I think people are getting WAY ahead of themselves here. First of all - he said a really horrible thing in the middle of an arguement during a really bad patch. It's a terrible thing to hear and maybe all of the angst in your relationship at the time built towards him feeling and saying something really nasty. But we've all said things we don't mean in an arguement. I'll be honest with you OP I can be a really heartless b*tch when i get going. I'll say some of the most hurtful things you can ever imagine when I get into a temper. I'll even focus on something I know he's conscious about if I want to be mean enough. I'm not the only person I know that has done this in their time.

It does NOT mean that I mean every word. it means that I'm angry and frustrated and want to hurt the other person. Now while this is unhealthy and needs to be resolved, if he seems like he didn't mean it, if he begged you to stay with him, if everything else in your relationship is, as you say, almost perfect, I wouldn't just throw all that away because you're having bedroom probelms.

I know there's a lot to be said for sex life and few relationships will survive without it regularly. having said that, if the relationship is loving and committed otherwise, if you;re working on the problem (you mentioned seeing a counsellor) then I wouldn't rush to throw it all away. He needs to talk over his issues, and maybe with a complete stranger like a counsellor, who can get the truth out of him.

It is strange and not very healthy that he can masturbate at will and won't have sex with you. What exactly happens when you initiate it? Does he tell you a flat out no or just fob you off??? Do you try anymore?

I'm not saying I have an answer - you sound unhappy and the issue needs resolving. I think professional help is the way to go. I know it must be hard hearing what he said to you and I'm sure it looms large in your mind now but from what you say about all other aspects of the relationship, I don't think you should just quit willy nilly.

On the other hand you'll need to know where to draw the line if nothing changes a year down the line. You can't flog a dead horse forever.

Sorry i don't have anything more practically useful to say to you. I hope it works out.

05D

Hi OP,

Have you ever iniciated sex? Maybe you could arrange a night away or a special night in......

It's cruel for him to be sending you mixed messages.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Hang on a second I think people are getting WAY ahead of themselves here. First of all - he said a really horrible thing in the middle of an arguement during a really bad patch. It's a terrible thing to hear and maybe all of the angst in your relationship at the time built towards him feeling and saying something really nasty. But we've all said things we don't mean in an arguement. I'll be honest with you OP I can be a really heartless b*tch when i get going. I'll say some of the most hurtful things you can ever imagine when I get into a temper. I'll even focus on something I know he's conscious about if I want to be mean enough. I'm not the only person I know that has done this in their time.

It does NOT mean that I mean every word. it means that I'm angry and frustrated and want to hurt the other person. Now while this is unhealthy and needs to be resolved, if he seems like he didn't mean it, if he begged you to stay with him, if everything else in your relationship is, as you say, almost perfect, I wouldn't just throw all that away because you're having bedroom probelms.

I know there's a lot to be said for sex life and few relationships will survive without it regularly. having said that, if the relationship is loving and committed otherwise, if you;re working on the problem (you mentioned seeing a counsellor) then I wouldn't rush to throw it all away. He needs to talk over his issues, and maybe with a complete stranger like a counsellor, who can get the truth out of him.

It is strange and not very healthy that he can masturbate at will and won't have sex with you. What exactly happens when you initiate it? Does he tell you a flat out no or just fob you off??? Do you try anymore?

I'm not saying I have an answer - you sound unhappy and the issue needs resolving. I think professional help is the way to go. I know it must be hard hearing what he said to you and I'm sure it looms large in your mind now but from what you say about all other aspects of the relationship, I don't think you should just quit willy nilly.

On the other hand you'll need to know where to draw the line if nothing changes a year down the line. You can't flog a dead horse forever.

Sorry i don't have anything more practically useful to say to you. I hope it works out.

Pookie you have helped me in more ways then you could know. Just having someone who is actually listening when I say I know we have a good relationship outside of the bedroom. I was actually beginning to question if I was deluding myself that we had a good relationship nad really he was looking at me repulsed by me and wishing he could leave me tomorrow. Thing is, he COULD leave me tomorrow if he wanted, the same way as I could leave him! I think the fact that he is going to counselling when he is a man who finds it very difficult to express itself is a good sign in itself? Surely if he was that unhappy with me then he wouldn't bother his *rse to make any effort.

Thanks for all your advice everyone but going to hang on in there and see where the counselling takes us and then if all possibilties have been exhausted I'll review my options.
It's been very theraputic writing this down and useful to hear others opinions so thanks everyone x

Sugar Drunk

nothing more awful than to be initiating and being rejected.
This has gone on to long give him an ultimatim either he cops on and makes an effort or you can find someone who will. this is now little more than a friendship. by any chance is he gay or confused? The reason I ask is that its odd that he can masturbate but not get interested in sex with you.

Marksie

sosad wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies. I just cant explain that I know he wants to be with me - his actions (apart from the sex thing) show me that. Also on the physical side, he constantly touches me almost to the point of pestering me. We always kiss and cuddle on the couch and he is always feeling my *ss and his hands in my bra! He is extremely affectionate to me and I know for a fact that things have got much better in the last 6 months between us.
He is attending counselling as he wants us to have a happy relationship and wants to explore why he is finding it difficult to make love. We were absolute rabbits in the first year always at it. He says he finds it difficult to forgive and forget the bad time we had last year yet we get on extremely well most of the time - laughing, joking and being affectionate. We are always laughing together I think he is the funniest guy I have ever met. But inside I have this secret sadness. I HAVE talked to him, loads and loads and loads. But his answer is always the same 'I don't know why I don't want to have sex'.
I haven't put on any weight - I am still size ten with lovely b**bs he he! I am popular and confident not a stunner but well able to attract attention if need be!

I am so confused....and sad.

He has gone into counselling to explore this but is avoiding telling you why?
There is a disparity in his actions that he gets to a point and stops... but that is for teh counselling to sort out.
What have you done to remedy the situation.

As miss fluff says..have you initiated? When he stops, have you continued further with yourself in front of him, show him what he is missing.
Taken steps further to see you pleasuring yourself?

That are paths and processes for really rediscovering intimacy, because i just wonder if the touching etc. may be a bit of a blind.

seahorse

Oryx wrote: »

...if he cannot change his behaviour and sexual feelings, you need to find someone who will satisfy that part of your life. We only get one go at living, and its too short to waste, even with someone who loves you in all ways but one.

+ one feckin million!

pisslips

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

nothing more awful than to be initiating and being rejected.
This has gone on to long give him an ultimatim either he cops on and makes an effort or you can find someone who will. this is now little more than a friendship. by any chance is he gay or confused? The reason I ask is that its odd that he can masturbate but not get interested in sex with you.

Never, ever use an ultimatim.It would make more sense to just leave than to use an ultimatim.They're such wretched things, if the person gives in to it, then their heart is not in what they've basically been forced to do anyway, it's like border-line emotional blackmail leading to rape.Jesus, i would never say to a girl,''Put out or I'll leave''...I think I'd just leave before I'd say that.It's very aggressive too, ''he cops on'', I'm sure he doesn't want to be letting the poor woman down. It could be just an emotional thing that he doesn't want to confront with you.

Have you ever cheated on him?

bingobongo

Both of ye get boloxt drunk,yel surely get all frisky and more than likely end up having sex.this might enlightn him as to what he has been missen out on and jump start yer sex life.....

BEER----THE CAUSE AND SOLUTION TO ALL OF LIFES PROBLEMS:D

MicraBoy

What pookie82 said.

You have to give him credit for seeing a counsellor about it. Are those sessions something you could get involved in? It might help work out the issues from your bad patch.

I would say it is way to early to end the relationship if he is seejking help, but you do need to put a limit on that at some point if the problem continues.

You do sound like you have a good relationship, but also most of those things you talk about make it sound like you might be great mates not lovers. Obviously except for the groping! I think that comes more from being the way he knows to display affection rather than he is totally over the "i feel you are friend" way of thinking.

howamidifferent

Ok, dont flame me but 2 things spring to mind...

1. You havent answered the questions asked several times of "Do you initiate?" . In a past relationship this really pissed me off...Always being the one to inintiate...Never being on the receiving end of an unexpected but exciting grope or feel..If I stopped inintiating just to see what would hapen, then basically nothing would happen, for months...Made me feel like my partner was only "putting up with sex". Might not be true bit how was I to know?

2. Do you pay attention to your personal hygiene. Again from previous experience, and old partner went from showering nightly before bed, to showering twice a week, usually mid afternoon prior to going out shopping or something. As randy as I would be, the thought of having sex with someone who hasnt washed in days was a huge turnoff for me.

Doesnt have to be an erectile problem, could be any one of many reasons...

not yet

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

sex is a very important aspect of any relationship.

You need to speak with your boyfriend and find out why he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore. If the reason is as before - that he doesnt find you attractive and see's you more as a friend, then i am sorry to say but this relationship has run its course!

It may be that your bf is afraid of being on his own and has opted to stay with you out of loneliness more so - and if this is the case then you need to cut free from this - as it is doing neither of you any favours.

Can i suggest you speak with him this evening and tell him you are not happy that the sex is gone from the relationship and if he is not attracted to you then he needs to tell you so that you dont waste any more of your time hanging onto something that is dead in the wood. Communication is very important and both of you need this heart to heart.

I can imagine your frustration - sharing a bed with someone and no sex - i would be driven to leeson street

And what may I ask would a woman be doing going to leeson st........

Did you talk to this guy about ED, previous sexual issues,childhood issues etc.
If its nothing to do with any of those I'm afraid your in trouble.

superflyninja

Magpie! wrote: »

Run run run.

I totally agree. I was in the same situation with my ex. We had a hugely active sex life for the first 6 months but thne it fizzled out(all on her side). Long sotry short I tried everything to re ignite it but nothing worked. it really hurt when I found out she had been....tinkling her ivorys and she even told me she would wait till i went ot the shops or for a pint until she did it. I wound up sexless for a LOT longer than 6 months until we eventually called it a day........save yourself sometime and end it.

sweet-rasmus

Are you both going to councilling? Whether you go together or seperately, I'd say it might just help you both.

I was worried when you said he saw you as a friend. But if you believe that was because of a heated argument... I wouln't be so sure that that kind of thing would come out easiy in an argument between a steady couple (you know what I mean).

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, cant believe this thread is still going!

We have had a major breakthrough thanks to the counselling and things are better than I ever could have imagined the last while and I know in my heart that we have come through a bad time that is now thankfully ending.
Just to answer - I had initiated sex lots of times, and I do shower everyday You all really helped me when I was very upset so thanks for that but like I said, things are on the up so there's no need for me to keep on dwelling on the past.

One thing posting here has taught me is that no-one else knows what goes on in another person's relationship and I DO know he loves me and I DO know what he said to me (about the friend thing) was said in an arguement so I'm going to leave it at that. Of course, I didn't post about what I said so I know things are said in the heat of the moment and can regretted deeply afterward.

So thanks again everyone for your time and your replies but thankfully this issue is being resolved. At long last!

oulu

Sounds to me that when he is masturbating he is not thinking of other women but men,it would explain alot of things don't you think.Does he be surfing at night when you are in bed for example,think about it as you said a good looking woman in bed with him and not throwing leg over,he might be feeling guilty, could he be bisexual ?

pisslips

Thats a crazy inference. What gave you the impression he was thinking of men? I mean really if I was to go down that road he could be thinking of animals or children. There's no basis for that assumption.
Maybe thats a bit harsh but it always annoys me when people assume men who are 'different', not attracted to every good looking woman or even not attracted to any women, must be gay or something.
It does not imply that they want to have a penis in their rectum or indeed enjoy putting their penis in another man's rectum.

greenapplesea

pookie82 wrote: »

Hang on a second I think people are getting WAY ahead of themselves here. First of all - he said a really horrible thing in the middle of an arguement during a really bad patch. It's a terrible thing to hear and maybe all of the angst in your relationship at the time built towards him feeling and saying something really nasty. But we've all said things we don't mean in an arguement. I'll be honest with you OP I can be a really heartless b*tch when i get going. I'll say some of the most hurtful things you can ever imagine when I get into a temper. I'll even focus on something I know he's conscious about if I want to be mean enough. I'm not the only person I know that has done this in their time.

It does NOT mean that I mean every word. it means that I'm angry and frustrated and want to hurt the other person. Now while this is unhealthy and needs to be resolved, if he seems like he didn't mean it, if he begged you to stay with him, if everything else in your relationship is, as you say, almost perfect, I wouldn't just throw all that away because you're having bedroom probelms.

I know there's a lot to be said for sex life and few relationships will survive without it regularly. having said that, if the relationship is loving and committed otherwise, if you;re working on the problem (you mentioned seeing a counsellor) then I wouldn't rush to throw it all away. He needs to talk over his issues, and maybe with a complete stranger like a counsellor, who can get the truth out of him.

It is strange and not very healthy that he can masturbate at will and won't have sex with you. What exactly happens when you initiate it? Does he tell you a flat out no or just fob you off??? Do you try anymore?

I'm not saying I have an answer - you sound unhappy and the issue needs resolving. I think professional help is the way to go. I know it must be hard hearing what he said to you and I'm sure it looms large in your mind now but from what you say about all other aspects of the relationship, I don't think you should just quit willy nilly.

On the other hand you'll need to know where to draw the line if nothing changes a year down the line. You can't flog a dead horse forever.

Sorry i don't have anything more practically useful to say to you. I hope it works out.

+1 I definately agree- it sounds as if every other aspect of your relationship is going great. I'd definately stick around and work on it, it sounds like he's worth it. Ending it is much too drastic and I do agree that professional help is the way to go. Hope you work it out!