Fiance's attitude has me worried

LegacyUser

I'm with my fiance 8 years, we met in our very early twenties and before I was with him I was just a normal girl and went on dates with blokes etc. I only had one other serious (if you could even call it that) relationship before meeting him. However he keeps harking back to that time and he can't seem to accept that I had a life before I met him and it's killing me, like he just wants to stay in the past.

There have been a few instances where he might have found out I was with a certain guy before I met him and he can't seem to get over that. One such instance, we met a guy in a nightclub who I had gone on a few dates with before I met my OH and we were chatting to him etc then afterwards I told him I'd gone out with him and he nearly exploded with rage. His point was that he would rather have known he was talking with someone who I was with and I'd made him look a fool. I'm not into mind games and I know he was with other girls before he met me and if we ran into one I wouldn't be jealous, the way I see it is he didn't stay with them, he's with me and he asked me to marry him so he must love me so that makes me happy & Secure but not him.

The other day he asked me to tell him about any guys I was with before I met him so that if we were ever in a social situation he'd know what he was dealing with. I told him not to be so silly that it was ridiculous to be thinking like this we are together 8 years etc and the life I had then is very different to the one I have now but he doesn't get it. He gave me a warning that if he ever found out that he'd spoken to any guy I'd ever been with he wouldn't be happy and I'd better fill him in or whatever, this attitude really upsets me. It's not like I was a raging slut or anything but how am I to control who we might bump into and I'm so worried because of his attitude.

I think his attitude is very wrong and stems from his own insecurity and that it's not something I can help him with and I really shouldn't have to take the blame for his feelings. I don't understand why he can't look to our future and concentrate on that instead of dragging me back to the past when I'd rather just move forward. What do you think???

SarahJ

I never talk about past relationships with my OH, its just something that point blank should not be done. Why talk about things that happened in the past, that will just upset everyone involved. There has been times when we have been solcialising with people that I have been with, but I don't say anything, as I don't feel any need to.

Claire121

To be honest I see his point. I also feel like an idiot if I'm talking away to some girl and find out later that my OH went out with her. I'd rather be warned beforehand, as I think most people would. It doesn't sound like you have much consideration for his feelings here. It's not like he wants to knock the guy out, he just doesn't want to feel like an idiot. I'm not seeing the raging jealousy here at all. To some extent the past is the past but I like to know if there's an ex in the same college, or the same village to be prepared to bump into them at some point. It doesn't have to be made into a huge deal. I've mentioned to past BF's that I went on a few dates with so-and-so in such a class, just to prevent awkward situations from arising.

Aurora Borealis

I would tend to let a partner, a serious one I mean, know if we met a past flame but I will not make the mistake again of having a full blown conversation on past partners etc. It backfired on me badly in my last serious relstionship and unfortunately some guys are just insecure about things like that and fail to see that the past is the past, part of who you are and that you wouldn't be there if you didn't want to be.

Overheal

doesnt like, every sitcom in history deal with this issue at some stage? Soppy music starts playing and she says oh sweetie I chose You remember. and Then they shag.

I wouldnt expect you to sit down over tea and list out every time you had a diddie with another guy, but if you were at a party and were talking to an ex, it would be worth introducing him like Oh darling come meet gerald we dated in secondary school.

buckieburd

Not being bad but your fiance sounds like a total control freak, if I was you I'd get out before the wedding. If he is this bad now can you imagine what he will be like when you are his wife......

*Lees*

Claire121 wrote: »

To be honest I see his point. I also feel like an idiot if I'm talking away to some girl and find out later that my OH went out with her. I'd rather be warned beforehand, as I think most people would. It doesn't sound like you have much consideration for his feelings here. It's not like he wants to knock the guy out, he just doesn't want to feel like an idiot. I'm not seeing the raging jealousy here at all. To some extent the past is the past but I like to know if there's an ex in the same college, or the same village to be prepared to bump into them at some point. It doesn't have to be made into a huge deal. I've mentioned to past BF's that I went on a few dates with so-and-so in such a class, just to prevent awkward situations from arising.

That's ridiculous!!!!!!
How would you feel like an idiot for speaking to someone your boyfriend had been with before because you didn't know about it??? would you treat someone different knowing your boyfriend was with them before???
OP, what your fiance is doing is unacceptable in my book. What's in the past stays in the past!

Claire121

I don't think it's ridiculous. I'd just prefer to know. I wouldn't be nasty to them, but it's never nice to be the person in the dark, feeling like everyone knows something you don't know. It's happened to me and it just wasn't a nice feeling, I felt like a fool. I can't help how I feel!

I've told my BF about a guy I dated for a while in case he knows the guy so he doesn't end up inviting the both of us to the pub and creating an awkward situation which could otherwise have been avoided. Where is the problem here? It's not like OP's partner wants to be told about her sex life in detail, he just wants to know who the person is.

swiss

I understand this is an insecurity on his part but the way he is behaving is mind-bogglingly stupid. Why should this be an issue for him? When he was younger, didn't he go out with other girls, kiss them or whatever? If so, isn't this a massive double standard?

I really don't know what advice I can offer. You've tried reasoning with him, but he seems to insist on having this very childish view that any guy you were with, no matter how long ago, is a personal affront to him. You can:

1) Continue to reason with this position
2) Put up with it and humour him
3) Ignore it
4) Satirise it (perhaps not recommended if he has a short fuse)

but I don't know what it will take for him to cop on to himself, sadly.

citeal

"The other day he asked me to tell him about any guys I was with before I met him so that if we were ever in a social situation he'd know what he was dealing with. I told him not to be so silly that it was ridiculous to be thinking like this we are together 8 years etc and the life I had then is very different to the one I have now but he doesn't get it. He gave me a warning that if he ever found out that he'd spoken to any guy I'd ever been with he wouldn't be happy and I'd better fill him in or whatever, this attitude really upsets me."

OP, I was reading your post thinking it all looked vaguely reasonable up to this point but then alarm bells starting going off for me. It could get completely out of hand.

My ex went on & on & on about my past with me. I tried to tell him as much as I could and reassure his anxieties. I had promised from the beginning I'd never have him in a situation where we turned up at a party & he was left innocently chatting to some form of ex (ONS / date / whatever). Once we were down the country & went into chipper when a bloke called my name, I stood there chatting really awkwardly while we waited for our food because the whole situation was stressing me. I had to admit afterwards that I'd been with the guy a couple of times & never heard the end of it.

Looking back I regret giving into every single demand and not setting any boundaries. Remember you've done nothing wrong & he has to accept you had a life before you met him. I don't think its healthy to share every detail of your previous intimacies with OH, in fact I think its damaging. Dwelling on it, will only hurt him more.

Claire121

I understand this is an insecurity on his part but the way he is behaving is mind-bogglingly stupid. Why should this be an issue for him? When he was younger, didn't he go out with other girls, kiss them or whatever? If so, isn't this a massive double standard?

What I gathered from this post is that the problem isn't that she's had other partners, it's that he doesn't want to be standing there like spanner not realising she's been with the guy. I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that at all either, I think it's a normal reaction. I think it's better to come from me than find out from the guy or a friend and my BF feeling like the idiot who was left in the dark. Of course, if he wants to be filled in about exes they might bump into (same town or whatever) he should be prepared to do the same.

molloyjh

As a bloke I can't understand his problem at all. But then I'm completely secure in my relationship and it really wouln't matter one way or another to me. After all I'm with my OH now, noone else. So what does it matter who she was with before me and if I meet them or not? Why would I look like a fool talking to one of her ex's?

I do know of one guy who was a bit of a g!t to her, and I'm sure I'd be pissed if I met him. But that would be me being mad at him for the way he was with her.

Your OH seems quite insecure but an easy answer would be to just avoid past guys as much as possible. If you see one say hello and keep walking kind of thing. I don't get why he feels embarrassed or whatever in those situations, have you asked him why?

How Strange

I can see his point to a point and then he just get's a bit too scary for comfort. Of course no-one wants to be in that situation of unknowingly be chatting to your OH's ex but come on. It's been 8 years.
That's very insecure.

I met an ex at a do last year, my OH was there but didn't know that a ex was there, the ex and his gf came over to say hello. Afterwards I explained to my OH who he was and that was that. No third degree or theatrics.

I think you need to show your fiance another perspective on this. He's quite close to carrying on like a male bunny boiler. Where will his obsession end?

Aurora Borealis

I don't think it's a sackable offence. We all have insecurities but I do think he is out of line giving you grief for it. Everyone has a past, him included.

Talk to him and try and come to some agree as to what you think should be shared and what you think should be left in the past where it belongs.

I would, however, be worried if you can't come to some such agreement as that doesn't bode well.

Magpie!

I can understand it in the beginning of a relationship but not at the stage you are at.

the first few times I brought my ex down home we bumped into a couple of guys I'd been with. Given that i had appalling taste in men in my late teens and they were all assholes we met a couple of guys out who'd look him up and down and give the knowing smirk "I had her before you" kinda thing.

but after 8 years and engaged? He'd seriously want to let it go.

Is he jealous of the other men in your life now? Friends, colleagues?

marti101

I think you need to take a step back and look at the whole situation.I know the type of person you are talking about and really at this stage in the relationship it should be plain sailing.Im going to ask you does he hit you or verbally abuse you,does he have a split personality nice to you in front of people but a wagon to you when you are on your own.If the answers yes get out dont wait till you are tied down with kids/marriage.Even if you didnt want to that even take a break from each other and see how you feel.

LegacyUser

Claire121 wrote: »

To be honest I see his point. I also feel like an idiot if I'm talking away to some girl and find out later that my OH went out with her. I'd rather be warned beforehand, as I think most people would. It doesn't sound like you have much consideration for his feelings here. It's not like he wants to knock the guy out, he just doesn't want to feel like an idiot. I'm not seeing the raging jealousy here at all. To some extent the past is the past but I like to know if there's an ex in the same college, or the same village to be prepared to bump into them at some point. It doesn't have to be made into a huge deal. I've mentioned to past BF's that I went on a few dates with so-and-so in such a class, just to prevent awkward situations from arising.

Well in the situation I'm talking about, it couldn't be helped the guy was over to chat to us before I knew it also this situation happened about 5 years ago (the bumping into him) and he still brings it up. I get that he wouldn't want to be put in an awkward situation but it's crazy cos I love him and obviously I only want to be with him but it's like this is not enough for him.

He said when he was at his friends wedding afters a few weeks ago he heard a group of guys slagging each other in the toilets and talking about a girl who was there saying what a great Sh*g she was or whatever and it made him think oh what if that was me! I don't know why he can't rationalise things like normal??? It just makes me feel so **** like I did something terrible on him which of course I haven't.

One incident which made it worse which was when he found out my user name on a board I used to post on and I had gotten friendly with the girls on there and you know the way you talk about all sorts of topics well one of them was about guys and what they say during s*x, I contributed stupidly because I had a funny/lame story about a ONS and he read it and never let me forget it since, I mean he was bad before that but it just got worse. Before anyone flames me I know it was wrong but you know yourself how you get to contributing to certain topics and don't even think what your writing and the guy meant nothing to me but he was a friend of a friend's ex and he kept asking me about who he was and trying to find out is there a chance I'd still see him etc. Like I said I know I wouldn't like to see anything like that about him but he specifically went looking for it. I've never done anything on him to make him not trust me, If I didn't want to be with him I'd finish it, I'd never cheat so he has nothing to worry about with me.

To answer your question Marti, no he doesn't abuse me physically or verbally. We had a rocky relationship about 2 years ago until I nearly left him and he really bucked up and changed for the better since then, this is the only fly in the ointment now but it has me worried to even go out with him in our local area cos I don't know what will happen.

Dalfiatach

buckieburd wrote: »

Not being bad but your fiance sounds like a total control freak, if I was you I'd get out before the wedding. If he is this bad now can you imagine what he will be like when you are his wife......

+1

You don't want to marry this man. No, really. Yer only what, 29/30 or so? Get the hell out now while you still can and are still young enough to meet another (sane) fella. Yuor fiance has got serious issues.

Chinafoot

Claire121 wrote: »

What I gathered from this post is that the problem isn't that she's had other partners, it's that he doesn't want to be standing there like spanner not realising she's been with the guy.

What a load of rubbish. What difference does it make whether he knows at the time of a brief chat or afterwards? It's not like the OP and the ex are going to giving each other knowing smirks, winks and nudges about their past. They are having a pleasant chat, thats it. Why would he be standing there "like a spanner"? They are together 8 years and they aren't teenagers so his behaviour is completely out or order.

Claire121 wrote: »

I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that at all either, I think it's a normal reaction. I think it's better to come from me than find out from the guy or a friend and my BF feeling like the idiot who was left in the dark.

Again, you're making it sound like there's some big conspiracy between the current girlfriend and the ex. Why would he feel like an idiot? What difference does it make whether he knows or not? Why does he need to know to not feel like an idiot? What if they just bumped into each other and the OP didn't have a chance to let her fiance know who the person was...should she still get a load of shít from him when she does mention it? She did tell him who the guy was and he had a fit. Is she supposed to stop the conversation and say "Just to interrupt...finace, dear, myself and this guy went out years and years ago". She obviously can't win here. Do you really think thats a "normal reaction"?

He has no reason to feel insecure. The OP is obviously happy to chat to this guy when she saw him so chances are he's not an immature dickhead thats going to try to rile up the boyfriend with a few digs of "I shagged your bird".

Claire121 wrote: »

Of course, if he wants to be filled in about exes they might bump into (same town or whatever) he should be prepared to do the same.

Ah tit for tat, a great start to married life together. Her past is hers. She doesn't have to fill him in on every single little detail of every person she ever went out with, nor should she expect to know everything about him. If he can't get over it then they shouldn't be getting married. He sounds like a complete control freak and he's behaving like a moron.

Sugar Drunk

I agree with the above. she cant win. Every time a guy says heloo he will want to know where she knows him from. Its been 8 years ffs. what really set alarm bells for me was 'he gave me a warning'! sorry what? he is your fiance not your boss or the guards what happens if you dont heed this warning?

If you had not told him afterwards that you had been with the guy once id understand but you did - what does he want names, locations and mugshots of any man you have ever gone out with ??

Im from a town where theres a few main bars and a lot of people know each other. he was a bit of a lad when he is younger and has a lot of exs. If he spots one he willoften say 'oh see that girl over there i used to go out with her' etc. If we bump into one he will chat politely and after wards will tell me who she is or during the course of conversation. It doesnt bother me its pretty damn obvious that im his GF to them so why would I feel 'like a spanner' if I dont know exactly who they are up front??

peanut66

Claire121 wrote: »

To be honest I see his point. I also feel like an idiot if I'm talking away to some girl and find out later that my OH went out with her. I'd rather be warned beforehand, as I think most people would. It doesn't sound like you have much consideration for his feelings here. It's not like he wants to knock the guy out, he just doesn't want to feel like an idiot. I'm not seeing the raging jealousy here at all. To some extent the past is the past but I like to know if there's an ex in the same college, or the same village to be prepared to bump into them at some point. It doesn't have to be made into a huge deal. I've mentioned to past BF's that I went on a few dates with so-and-so in such a class, just to prevent awkward situations from arising.

I completely disagree here, you cant see the raging jealousy? Are u kidding? Its one thing being at a party and when its an ex you were with for ages or one that you had a messy past with, then ya a lil heads up would be wise. However to demand she tells him every single guy she was ever with esp since it was eight years ago, is just downright weird! I wouldnt want to know about my OH's previous life it would just be uncomfortable and what would be the point. ??
He really does sound like a control freak and I would be thinking twice about marriage also. He doesnt sound mature enough to me to even know what marriage means.
The difference here is he doesnt just want the whole ''oh i used to go out with that guy thats coming over to be introduced to you''
he wants every detail of every guy she might have kissed for like a second years and years ago before she knew him!!
Hmmm how much fun it would be to have to scan crowds every where you went and put weeks of planning into place to go out on the town just to make sure you dont bump into a guy you once swapped saliva with for three seconds.... Now where can i find me a man like that!!!
Drop Him!! or tell him to grow the hell up

Annie Bananie

Claire121 wrote: »

I don't think it's ridiculous. I'd just prefer to know. I wouldn't be nasty to them, but it's never nice to be the person in the dark, feeling like everyone knows something you don't know. It's happened to me and it just wasn't a nice feeling, I felt like a fool. I can't help how I feel!

Well I agree with you, even if many other dont seem to.
I do not believe in keeping your spouse in the dark if they like to know something. I wouldnt like to be.

I think you should talk to him again and see why this is so important to him. If it is really important, then just let him know who you dated, if it makes him feel better and more comfortable. Im not saying you have to give all details about all relationship you have, but why not let him know? I can't see the big deal.

But if it is a big deal to you, then you should explain to him why, so you guys can find understanding for each other in this matter. No other way to go really.

Claire121

Look, the OP asked for opinions and I'm giving mine. Obviously struck a nerve with some of you. I personally think it isn't on to be standing talking to your OH's ex without knowing it. I didn't get the impression he meant every single guy she'd ever kissed - who would even remember that themselves? Now people are asking if he hits her? Because he didn't like feeling like a fool not knowing she'd been with the guy? I think some of YOU are overreacting here. My situation is perhaps different because I haven't been with many people, so I would have mentioned my exes to my boyfriend at one point or another. I think he once asked me who I'd been out with in which country (I've lived in a few) - oh shock horror, is he a jealous abusive nutter? I remember asking him if he had any exes at our college, just so I could be prepared to bump into them at some point and like I said, avoid awkward situations. It turned out one of his exes is best friends with a good friend of mine, so it was very likely we'd end up meeting each other (it happened, and I was glad I knew who she was so I wasn't babbling on about my BF). We both agreed that it would have been more awkward NOT to know.


I didn't take the post that literally - if he literally wants to know the name, age, occupation, address of every single person OP has ever so much as kissed, then yes he might have a problem. But I'm getting the feeling that isn't really the case.

Chips Lovell

Let me get this straight, you've been going out with this guy for eight years and he's still obsessing about guys you went out with before him. That's pretty abnormal to my eyes. As someone said earlier, you need to be firm with him, establish boundaries and tell him it isn't on.

If someone had carried on like this with me, I'd have dumped them pretty fast.

For what it's worth, if I met some guy on a night out and later found out he'd dated my wife I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered. I can't comprehend how not knowing makes someone feel like a fool.

Toots

IMO, the OP's fiancé sounds really childish and insecure. He has no right to know every single detail of her past. They're together 8 years FFS, anything that happened before they met would be water well under the bridge. He's making crazy demands to know who she's been with before him, and is 'warning' her that she'd better tell him??? That's the part that scares me, what will he do if the situation comes up that he has been talking to someone who the OP had previously been involved with? Sounds a bit ominous if you ask me.

OP, your other half seriously needs to get his act together. I'm not saying this is something to give him the boot over, but you'd reallly want to think long and hard about marrying him if this is how he acts. If ye don't get it sorted now, it'll likely be worse if you get married. Has he always been like this, or is it something that's started relatively recently? Might be worth considering attending couples counselling.

b3t4

I can't believe that you are willing to put up with his behaviour for the rest of your life. Signing up to marriage with him implies this.

I don't get his attitude. In honesty, it would have me questioning his faithfulness. If he is so paranoid about these previous exes of yours then perhaps it's because he was with a previous ex of his in your relationship. Twisted, yes, but these cracks have come from somewhere

My partner and I chat away about exes. There is no drama about it. His previous relationships have molded him into what he is today and seeming as I love what he is today I can't see why I'd be annoyed about them.

How and ever, and as you know, this is his issue, you pandering to it will only cause it to worsen. Ask him to get it sorted. If he doesn't then I would question his commitment to this relationship.

A.

Marksie

Jealous BF wrote: »

I think his attitude is very wrong and stems from his own insecurity and that it's not something I can help him with and I really shouldn't have to take the blame for his feelings. I don't understand why he can't look to our future and concentrate on that instead of dragging me back to the past when I'd rather just move forward. What do you think???

Yes, you are correct in all counts.
This issue crops up time and again in PI, but after 8 years he shuold be well past it by now.
Thing is...unless checked he will be like this for the rest of your relationship.
Seriously..the guy needs to grow up.

Jealous BF wrote: »

Well in the situation I'm talking about, it couldn't be helped the guy was over to chat to us before I knew it also this situation happened about 5 years ago (the bumping into him) and he still brings it up. I get that he wouldn't want to be put in an awkward situation but it's crazy cos I love him and obviously I only want to be with him but it's like this is not enough for him. .

5 years ago? seriously the guys has major control/ insecuirities.

Jealous BF wrote: »

He said when he was at his friends wedding afters a few weeks ago he heard a group of guys slagging each other in the toilets and talking about a girl who was there saying what a great Sh*g she was or whatever and it made him think oh what if that was me! I don't know why he can't rationalise things like normal??? It just makes me feel so **** like I did something terrible on him which of course I haven't..

Really...do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this over things you ahven't done. I can't iamgine what he is thinking.
But what do you do when he starts up?
Are you facilitating his behaviour..or do you tell hijm bluuntly to shut the **** ip and get over it?
let hiom sulk.
TBH i couldn't live with that nonesense

Jealous BF wrote: »

One incident which made it worse which was when he found out my user name on a board I used to post on and I had gotten friendly with the girls on there and you know the way you talk about all sorts of topics well one of them was about guys and what they say during s*x, I contributed stupidly because I had a funny/lame story about a ONS and he read it and never let me forget it since, I mean he was bad before that but it just got worse. Before anyone flames me I know it was wrong but you know yourself how you get to contributing to certain topics and don't even think what your writing and the guy meant nothing to me but he was a friend of a friend's ex and he kept asking me about who he was and trying to find out is there a chance I'd still see him etc. Like I said I know I wouldn't like to see anything like that about him but he specifically went looking for it. I've never done anything on him to make him not trust me, If I didn't want to be with him I'd finish it, I'd never cheat so he has nothing to worry about with me..

He just doesnt seem to trust you does he?
You did nothing wrong in posting that, hell if eveyone had to do what you did, then forums would e full of nothing but tumbleweeds.

Jealous BF wrote: »

We had a rocky relationship about 2 years ago until I nearly left him and he really bucked up and changed for the better since then, this is the only fly in the ointment now but it has me worried to even go out with him in our local area cos I don't know what will happen.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that hanging over you.
Regardless of your feelings its going to drive a wedge..why else would you be posting here if it wasn't an issue.


Tell him to get some help, get over it or he risks losing the lot.

That is some serious b/s to put up with on an ongoing basis.
It may not be as obvious as physical/ emotional abuse. But it is some form of control with his own esteem at the centre of it.
God help you if somene dares to talk to you..or do you avoid those situations as well?

Me thinks its time to put your foot down , if he sulks which i guess he will, just let him. Eventually he will learn, or lose you.

seahorse

Annie Bananie wrote: »

Well I agree with you, even if many other dont seem to.

So do I. The OP could have avoided all that by introducing her ex as someone she'd once dated. Her bf would have had nothing to complain about and that would have been the end of that - end of.

LegacyUser

Introducing him to any ex I may have had would definately result in a bad situation, he would cause trouble and make my life hell so that's why I dare not point out any ex's I may have had. Like I said in that case where we bumped into the guy in the nightclub, I never saw him coming and certainly didn't encourage him or anything he was just being polite but my OH didn't see it like that.

We've been to couples counselling before and it worked wonders for us, but this is his problem and I've told him he needs to speak to someone about it but he refuses and doesn't think there's a problem, he just wants to punish me for it constantly and is always refering to the post I made in that forum like as if I was pining over the guy which certainly was not the case!

I was really firm with him when this came up and told him that it wasn't fair to me to be dragging me back in the past and I refused to give him the information he was looking for and told him that this was his problem and nothing I could do or say could help him with it unless he believed that I love him and want to be with him and these guys only come to my mind when HE brings them up. TBH I'm terrified what or who he might find out about, I got the impression that he was saying that if he found out I'd been with someone he was ever talking to he'd finish the relationship.

humanji

Seahorse wrote:

So do I. The OP could have avoided all that by introducing her ex as someone she'd once dated. Her bf would have had nothing to complain about and that would have been the end of that - end of.

Do you give the exact details of how you met each of your friends when you introduce them to your other half, or do you just give their name? The OP did nothing wrong. I wouldn't use it as an excuse to call off the wedding, but I would sit him down and talk to him about it. If he won't see reason, then it might be time to think about your future together.

Chinafoot

seahorse wrote: »

So do I. The OP could have avoided all that by introducing her ex as someone she'd once dated. Her bf would have had nothing to complain about and that would have been the end of that - end of.

It was 5 years ago and he's still harping on about it. You really don't see anything wrong with that? Someone who would continue to go on about a non-event 5 years later doesnt really seem to be the type of bloke that would have let it be the end of it had she told him.

If the OP had failed to introduce her boyfriend and had him just stand there while she was chatting away then yeah, he'd have reason to be miffed. But to be in a rage because he was told afterwards that they dated years previously is so extreme. The OP said she "went on a few dates" with this guy before she met her fella...maybe they went out twice and nothing more came of it. If that was me I wouldn't introduce them to my fella as someone I dated. It's not like they dated for years. His reaction was ridiculous and he has no right to act like that. The past should be left exactly where it is...in the past.

dresden8

To answer your question Marti, no he doesn't abuse me physically or verbally.

Only mentally. You shouldn't have to live in fear and be stressed out everytime you talk to a man. Even if you didn't go out with a guy, are you wondering is he standing there waiting to pounce that you didn't tell him whether you went out with this guy or not?

A particularly cruel solution to this problem is to introduce someone as "This is Jim, he liked to do me up the backer"

The kind way is to dump this psycho now. This is controlling behaviour and will only get worse once he "owns" you.

seahorse

Jealous BF wrote: »

Introducing him to any ex I may have had would definately result in a bad situation, he would cause trouble and make my life hell so that's why I dare not point out any ex's I may have had... TBH I'm terrified what or who he might find out about, I got the impression that he was saying that if he found out I'd been with someone he was ever talking to he'd finish the relationship.

Well OP, this situation isn’t as clear-cut as it looked to me on reading your first post. I didn’t know the bumping into the ex thing happened FIVE YEARS AGO! :eek: I thought it was something that happened just the other day.

I got the impression his only issue was not being introduced to that guy as someone you'd dated and being left standing there unaware there was any intimate history between you (which would piss me off, tbh), but here you're saying you couldn’t have done that as it would have involved a scene anyway, so apparently you cant win.

All I can say is being "terrified" has no place in a happy relationship. You need to remind this bloke that the day you met him wasn’t the first day of your life, and if you want to stay with him I think your only chance is to continue insisting he goes to therapy for his jealousy issues.

Pub07

He sounds like a total twat. Put him on the back foot, instead of him giving you crap over this (which is totally unreasonable) you should give him stick about asking about it and tell him if he doesn't shut up about it he can f*ck off. You shouldn't be defensive about this situation as if you are in the wrong, because you are most certainly not - you should go on the offensive and tell him he needs to sort his issues out. You mentioned something you posted years ago on a message board that wasn't even about him that he got thick over...for god sake why does he care, does he think you have no right to free speech, that everything you say has to be screened by him? I wouldn't give a damn if I saw something my gf wrote on the net or if I ran into one of her exs....why would I, whats it got to do with anything? Tell him to cop the f*ck on.