detatchment and drug "problem"

LegacyUser

That's his term for it - He has a problem - He can't socialise without pills, can't say no. He was in tears as he told me this; I hadn't realised, thought he was just cutting back (he's been saying he wants to cut back on everything since I've known him - cigs, hash, going out) and I've only tried pills a couple of times so don't get that... crutch for dancing. He's been doing chemicals for 10 years so this is a decrease from then but an increase since I've known him.

Here's where it gets sticky... 95% of his friends do pills. They thought they weren't seeing him because of me. Then he started taking pills again and I'm worried because of how he's defined it as a problem that he can't refuse.

Any advice on how to let someone find their own way because I'm not helping here with pointing out the powder on the table, etc.

MagicMarker

If he can't socialize without pills then he should stop socializing. Or at least stop socializing with said 'friends'.

Does he take drugs when he's not socializing?

Has he sought professional help?

My advice is to ditch the friends and get himself to some kind of narcotics anonymous meeting followed by a trip to a doctor to get referred to a therapist.

If he was in tears about this then he should be willing to at LEAST do the above.

davyjose

Without knowing your relationship to this person, my advice would be for you to cut back on him. He's not going to change until he's ready to - no amount of badgering by you will convince him.

LegacyUser

He's my boyfriend of over a year. He has been going to therapy in this time evrey other week. I don't believe him that he's disclosed everything about the drugs. I'm going to al anon (for people affected by alcoholism) and it ache detatchment but I'm having difficulty practicing this.

The "if he loved you he'd stop" theory is bull because he has an illness and he doesn't want NA or CA and is scornful of the idea that a 12 step program and cutting drugs out will help with the underlying problems. He's full of resentment of everything because I've been pulling him up o he friend issue - when he doesn't go out, they come round to him. He's been making an effort to do none drug activities with them but he's admitted he resents the effort it takes.

How do I detatch when I'm his only confidante and can't help reacting to his admissions?

It's down to once a week now and the odd line during the week. He desn't buy anything directly, only thru friends. Do I look at this as something to be congratulated even though after he's upset at his weakness and then the next day he's back to resentment and defensive?

RossFixxxed

Your use of the inverted commas is wrong. That's a BIG problem. The long term effects of pills is pretty bad and if he feels he needs them to go out he's setting him up for a long fall.

The tears are useless if he doesn't follow through. If he's willing he needs NA and a professional to help. If he's not willing.... you may need to let him go. This kind of behaviour spirals....

R

Dragan

MagicMarker wrote: »

If he can't socialize without pills then he should stop socializing. Or at least stop socializing with said 'friends'.

Does he take drugs when he's not socializing?

Has he sought professional help?

My advice is to ditch the friends and get himself to some kind of narcotics anonymous meeting followed by a trip to a doctor to get referred to a therapist.

If he was in tears about this then he should be willing to at LEAST do the above.

Pretty much spot on first line here. Your fella needs to do some growing up and i am also going to say he needs to do some getting over himself.

He's got you in a little pity trap now because he broke out the tears. If he feels as bad as he says he does he will make some positive changes. If he doesn't then walk, plain and simple.

Pills are not a physiologically adictive drug...they are not like heroin where you need your fix. You take them only because you want to .....if he is addictive it is purely psychological which can be far easier to deal with that the physical NEED for your drug.

Tell him to drop his mates and drop the pills, seek some decent advice from a professional and get to a meeting.

If he doesn't then drop him.

05D

I agree here, he needs to cut all ties with his buddy's (I wouldn't call them friends)

Maybe try book a relax weekend away somewhere were there will no drugs and minamal drink.

Try talk to him then, he might break down and realise something has to be done.

If he doesn't follow through, tell him you are only giving him one chance and that he needs to help himself.

All ties need to be cut with the buddy's though he needs to tell them he wants to get clean.

If they are real friends they will respect his decision

SpookyDoll

oh dear, 10 years on pills OP, they really mess with your emotional health, so Im not suprised he is crying, all his seratonin will be depleted.

However I think he is eggagerating his claims of how "hard" it is to give them up....I think he has you "suckered in" a little bit.....you need to toughen up twords him.

I would be a lot more worried about the "odd line" during the week, sorry but in my experience coke never comes in a line or two like people like to make out, they usually have a bag at least or a lot more.....

Dont believe all he says at face value, its likely he is "in denial" himself about the extent of things so he is hardly giving you the whole truth....

The crying and self pity are probably more at the thought of giving up the drugs, but he is going to have to toughen up too, giving up drugs is hard -but it can be done, he has to WANT to give them up, otherwise he is just leading you a merry dance.

Which is no fun for you.

Animus

To the OP,

I sometimes thing this kind of drug problem is harder to know how to deal with than a more obvious physical addiction. Some people can take or leave recreational drugs, it appears your BF is in the other camp.

Because it is a cycle of indulgence, guilt and depression it is hard to break.
His drug taking seems very intertwined with his social life, and it does sound like self-esteem issues are at play also.

I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters here who want you to ditch this guy based on the information you've given. I can see their point, but you may be very important influence in his life right now. You describe yourself as his only confidante...are you the only person close to him who doesn't take recreational drugs whenever they socialise ?

Of course you have no obligation to be his emotional crutch either, and you need to ask yourself a few questions regarding your relationship to decide which way to act. Perhaps some tough love is in order, but do not threaten to leave unless you mean it.

How much is his drug taking affecting your life negatively ?
How much is your relationship affecting his life positively ?

I realise that any hardline stance on your part could be interpreted as an attempt to drive a wedge between him and his friends (and don't listen to people who say that they are not his friends, just because they get high together - they could be) so you are going to need some diplomatic skills here.

Taking drugs make him miserable afterwards, he's done enough and he gets depressed about his inability to stop, correct ?

He probably cannot socialise with his friends, at least for a while, if he wants to stay clean, correct ?

I think he has to have the strength to tell his mates that he won't be around for a while because he's trying to clean up. He has to have the strength to tell his mates his head is wrecked from pills/powder and he needs a break, and he doesn't feel able to go out with them when they are getting off their faces.

If they are his mates they will respect this. Maybe they won't call around for a cup of tea and a chat, but they will respect it. If not, well...

This should be non-negotiable, if you are helping your BF you shouldn't be blamed for keeping him from his mates.

My .02c

A.

p.s. It makes no difference whatsoever if your BF is not buying it 'directly' (whatever that means) or through friends.

Irishcrx

As long as the friends and the pressure are around it is unlikely that he will change, A good few of my friends take pills and the ones with the worst problem are the ones that are adiment there is none at all. It's always "the last one" and "Never again" but it's only the last until the next one. I've never taken them myself and have no interest in it, so while I can't relate to the addiction of them I can say that it is perfectly ok to go out and have a good time without needing them.

I've got to go to a party tonight for a friends birthday at a well known pill taking club in Dublin, I'll go be surrounded by friends taking them but I won't be pressured into them myself, no need.

You need to make him see this, but a person has to want to change himself and work at it, it is not easy, big changes have to be made and if he's not up for it you are wasting your time trying to help and you will be the one who gets the backlash from him and his friends in the end.

LegacyUser

I want to stay with him that's why i need to find a way to let him improve and have hiccups and (hopefully) realisations that lead him to being happy and confident. He is making efforts and he is f-ing up but so am i and, like i said that's less than helping.

There's a lot you guys have said and i need to have a long think. Thaanks for clarfying the important points though.

Have a good evening!

LegacyUser

Just an update. A good one so far.

He has cut down on the mad nights. And without me having to insist. He has spoken to some of his friends about cutting down and at first there was a bit of cold shouldering BUT he has been out with them, he has said "no" sometimes and when he has partaken, it's been with a thought towards recovery time so not completely over-indulgent.

And, the most important thing to me, we're talking about this. There's no more denial (or at least very little). It doesn't seem t be such a problem or crutch.

Thank you all again for raising points (seratonin levels after 10 yrs of frequent E nights being the most useful - it gave me some empathy as to where he might be mentally) and for pointing out that he did have me in a pity trap - that gave me the courage to take the kid gloves off and face him as a man. I think too many people have been treating him like a delicate flower and that robs a person of their own belief in their strength.

unhappycamper

If you love him support him. Don't tell him to lose his friends thats going to add confusion to his already emotionally drained brain. Bring him to place where there are no drugs but only natural beautiful things. Keep bringing him, he should start to see the other side of life after some naturalness. After that you can do no more, he needs to realize that he can still have warm close connections, just without the pills.

LegacyUser

Would never tell him to get rid of his friends. Unless they were REALLLY bad and none of them are. Even the ones who hate me.

He got into E cos he had problems making friends. He needs to re-build confidence/self-belief and... basically everything you said. That's how I'm thinking.

Thanks for reassuring me. Hope you're not as unhappy as the name suggests.

unhappycamper

the advisee wrote: »

Would never tell him to get rid of his friends. Unless they were REALLLY bad and none of them are. Even the ones who hate me.

He got into E cos he had problems making friends. He needs to re-build confidence/self-belief and... basically everything you said. That's how I'm thinking.

Thanks for reassuring me. Hope you're not as unhappy as the name suggests.

Don't listen to anyone telling you to get out and find a new guy and he should get new friends, thats not the answer, he is probably a cool bloke who is starting to share his grief with you because you are such a special person in his life, he sounds fine just needs a bit of time and encouragement to work it out, best of luck and hey I am happy sometimes but just not at the minute, it will pass.

beth-lou

I think your boyfriend is in the same situation as a lot of people who took E's for years. It was a weekend thing that didn't really interfere with their job, studies etc. Problem is, now he is feeling the effects of all those years of excess serotonin release and he is starting to feel down, probably a bit lost like he doesn't fit in with his friends anymore and yet he doesn't have any friends outside that loop, except for you.
I agree that the "odd" line during the week is worrying and this would be an indicator that he could move into addiction. I am presumming that it is coke that he is doing. That drug is a creeper and it will very subtly take a little hold onn him and will make him more aggitated and depressed. He really needs to pull back from the scene. He can still see his friends if he is strong enough to stay away from the pills, but that will be very hard.
I think you need to be very assertive in how you feel about it and what you want and how his behaviour is affecting both him and you. He probably can't see it and you are his best friend and the best person to set him straight. If he can stop for a while he will realise how much happier he is without the head wreck and the constant cloud that is hanging over him.
Best of luck with it. Hope he can pull himself out of it before the midweek lines turn into everyday ones.