Can't seem to hold down a job

LegacyUser

This isn;t a big deal compared to other peoples' problems but it's really getting me down.

After being let go from the second job this year my self esteem is at an all time low. I had a few crappy part time jobs in college (maid etc) and hated them but just assumed it was because they were awful jobs that nobody really enjoys. Since I left college I've had 2 office positions and have had problems at both. One of the problems I have is that I find it hard to adapt to the b*tchiness and politics of the working world. It sounds pathetic but I'm not used to people being nasty and backstabbing, I expect the best of people and always end up getting burned. I find it hard to get along with other women as a lot of them seem quite b*tchy and I'm paranoid about what they are saying behind my back. In the last job, on my second day I went upstairs with documents and definitely noticed some whispering about me and got the feeling I was being talked about or mocked, about what I don't know. I just didn't feel at all welcome or accepted in the place, and this made me retreat into my shell even more. I tried to make chitchat and so on but it always felt so strained and uncomfortable. My boss called me in after 2 weeks and said I didn't seem happy and offered to let me go, but at the time I was happy with the job and said so. I just didn't feel like the atsmosphere of the place was very nice and so didn't feel too comfortable there. He also said I didn't show much iniative which was also a problem. This I agree with as it was the main problem with the job I had before that. I suppose I'm used to being told what to do, as the jobs I had in college were very menial and I had to do as I was told. Even the last job I had in Ireland was in a call centre and we also were trained in and told to stick to strict guidelines - they didn't want iniative. I suppose I hold back as I don't like not being sure what it is I have to do. Like instead of going ahead and ordering something, I check with someone first that it's right. To me that's more logical than doing it wrong and having to fix it but it obviously looks bad. I was told that I'm also too timid and need to be more forceful and have more of a presence which is hard for me as it takes me a while to 'warm up' and settle into situations - I've never been able to leap into things. I really try, I do my best, but I just feel so socially awkward. Walking into an office with 50 new people and being loud and cracking jokes is a nightmare for me.

Does anyone else understand this? I'm obviously just too immature or incompetent right now because two different employers can't be wrong. I assume I come across well in the interview, but they are disappointed with my performance once hired. I guess I just don't know how to deal with 'office politics' and the b*tchy atmosphere present at these kind of jobs. I let it get to me and it brings me down. I find it so hard to find the line between being a doormat and being 'difficult' at work , when to say no, when to help out. I never know what's really expected of me. I'm just so disappointed that my first year of full time employment has worked out like this, I feel like such a failure. I'm feeling like nobody likes me and I must come across as a weirdo or unfriendly, however much I try to join in the chitchat. I just didn't expect it to be this hard. In college I had a great group of friends, got on great with the lecturers and did loads of activities but in the real world I can't seem to get along with people! I'm going abroad next month for a change of direction, going to be teaching English to little kids in Asia, and hoping this one works out or I'll be devastated. I'm really hoping that perhaps I'm just in the wrong job and I'll get along better in something more suited to me. All my friends are loving their jobs and I feel like its just me feeling like this. Does anyone understand?

Karen_*

OP you can be very unfortunate in jobs and all have us have problems in a job from time to time.

It sounds like you'd be better suited to a smaller company. you're certainly not the only one who find walking into a big organisation daunting. If you go to a smaller place and get to know people well then you'll probably find your confidence grows and you're able to put forward ideas and problem solve more effectively.

My sister got let go from loads of office jobs, they just weren't for her. She's now almost completed nurses training and loves it. Office jobs and the politics do not suit all personalities and perhaps you don't do well in them because they aren't suited to you.

Two employers can be wrong as it happens and if you've got on with people at college then you can assume that you're a likeable person. I know its hard but don't let two bad experiences drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Do take on board what your employers have said and give 100% in your next job. this isn't all their fault or all your fault but rather a bad mix. But see what you can learn from it and go forward in a positive way.

SpookyDoll

Aw OP, I could have written this myself a few years back, believe me there are loads of people who feel the exact same. The only thing I can say to you and it might not be brilliant comfort is these skills of being more assertive and learning judgement about stopping being a (secretly resentful) doormat can be learned.

I used to be the timid eejit going around, smiling submissively to everyone, obeying orders from all (even bossy ones who were only on my own level) as I didnt know how to say no without offending, people took pleasure in that low level bullying (exclusion) etc that you mention.

It took me a few years to start to get more confidence and care a lot less about "people liking me" etc I thought if I didn't do everything they asked -well I dont know what I thought, I thought the sky would fall in! lol

Anyway it wont, you need to just feel your way along, push yourself to do things that are slightly "against the grain" now and then, but other days if you are feeling fragile take a rest. Also do remember workplaces differ (like people) -one place where everyone is there donkeys years can be really intimidating as you are the junior coming in and the "lifers" will see your submissiveness as a form of weeakness and bullying/criticising you as a form of sport to ward off boredom. Then other places like you mentioned call centres have a high turnover of young staff and are a little easier.

I would say maybe stick to the more structured environment of call centres etc for the time being if you can, avoid those dead end old school offices where they would smite ya with a look.....

Anyway, your confidence will grow with time OP, take heart and dont be beating yourself up so much!

x Spooky

PS sorry just read about your going to Asia to teach the children, I really think it will suit you great, I dont know what part of Asia it is but the people in that part of the world are often very polite and kind (not stereotyping -have been there!) so I think it will be just the ticket!

peekyboo

Oh OP my heart goes out to you

I am 30 now but have been doing office jobs for a good ten years, during college and then full-time after. I have been in a lot of offices in that time as I temped during my travel around Australia and for nearly two years in London. Let me tell you this: no matter what company/size/city/country you go to, they are all the SAME!

This is not necessarily a bad thing though it's just with experience (honestly, not trying to be patronizing here) you can use this to your advantage. I have worked out the best way to fit into a new place is to not talk too much (at the beginning), always be very helpful but not a doormat, smile loads and most importantly *let people get to know you in their own time*. What I mean by this is, don't expect to become best friends with everyone in the first week or even the first month, just relax and know it will happen. The best place with the most craic I ever worked in I thought they were the unfriendliest bunch of t*ats I had ever come across for the first three months. They weren't! It's just human nature to be a bit stand-offish with someone new because you don't know them yet. Also, while you might be feeling all self-concious because they haven't spoken to you, they might just be extremely busy and are not trying to be rude.

As regards the office politics, I promise you they happen EVERYWHERE!! Some personalities just don't mix together and you may find that these people are nice as pie to each other outside of work and in the pub! It can be very scary coming in from the outside and seeing it, thinking everyone is mean and vicious and they all hate each other but I doubt that's the case. And people who are laughing loudly and joking with each other - they have probably been working together for ages and at the beginning felt the same way as you do now!

You come across as a nice, completely normal girl so don't think there is something wrong with you. Jeez I could nearly write a book about my experiences I must have worked in 60 offices! Would you consider temping for a bit? This would be a good way to build up your skills, get to know the way offices work and there wouldn't be so much pressure on you to fit in while you're still learning the trade, so to speak? Once you know what you are doing then it is much easier to take the initiative (don't think it was very fair of your boss to say that btw as you were very new). It's a great way to make new friends too.

What I'm trying to say is this: don't be too hard on yourself, relax and don't feel things need to be comfortable immediately.

Good luck! x

Sugar Drunk

Hi OP, have you ever done whats called a profile survey or anything to see what jobs suit you best? Agencies or employers often do this - I manage a team and before employing staff will usually do one of these. It can give an insight to someones skillset and how they behave at work etc.

There are lots of jobs out there that rely on somebody being able to follow instruction and do what is asked. Many jobs do require initiative yes, but please dont beat yourself up because you dont excel in this area. Lots of jobs are the opposite - where initiative can cause serious problems!

off the top of my head some roles that would value someone who can follow strict guidelines - technical support, customer services, factory work, process design, quality control, administration etc

enjoy the teaching. when you come back try work with an agency or doing some of these tests/surveys so that you end up working in a job that suits you. When you match your skills to the right role, those skills become valued. Things like initiative can be learned through confidence and time.

As for the employee B*tching/office politics you really just need to take a step back. It happens everywhere because by human nature not everyone will get on but if you stay friendly and open it can do wonders. You say you try to see the best in people - well when a few people are whispering dont assume its about you - why would it be? They are probably gossipping about someone else entirely or about a tv show etc. our own lack of confidence can often make us a bit vulnerable and paranoid and makes you feel like everyone is talking behind your back - they may not be!

peekyboo

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Anyway it wont, you need to just feel your way along, push yourself to do things that are slightly "against the grain" now and then, but other days if you are feeling fragile take a rest. Also do remember workplaces differ (like people) -one place where everyone is there donkeys years can be really intimidating as you are the junior coming in and the "lifers" will see your submissiveness as a form of weeakness and bullying/criticising you as a form of sport to ward off boredom. Then other places like you mentioned call centres have a high turnover of young staff and are a little easier.

Sorry SpookyDoll, with respect I don't agree with this. I don't think people are that calculated, they are probably just comfortable where they are and are very busy. I know when we get younger people in to work with us, we are very kind and go out of our way to make them feel comfortable. People were like this with me as well when I temped although there were always exceptions. But that's exceptions for ya

SpookyDoll

Ah Peeky, on the whole people are goodhearted yes, but I can assure you those exceptions do exist.

I once worked with a girl who was such a nasty bully she went out of her way to cause trouble for people, while I was on holiday she went to the Internal Support people and got my PC username and password, logged onto it, read all my mails, deleted stuff yada yada yada, the internal support people could prove what she did, I'd seen her in action on other people, one day she spit into a jar of jam another girl had on her desk, for no reason, believe me it goes on, I could give you more stories but I dont think it would help the OP !!!

Anyway, I do agree most people are goodhearted and generally its better to be open rather than paranoid, but also there is no harm in keeping a little reserve too!

Tis all about balance which can be a tricky thing to learn!

AARRRGH

I think you have low self esteem and are paranoid no one likes you.

I'm always saying this, but go get some counselling and sort it out once and for all. The alternative is to spend years hoping your problems go away.

SpookyDoll

AARRRGH wrote: »

I think you have low self esteem and are paranoid no one likes you.

I'm always saying this, but go get some counselling and sort it out once and for all. The alternative is to spend years hoping your problems go away.

Totally disagree, there is nothing wrong with OP, other than shyness and inexperience.

Getting counselling would be totally OTT in this case, I bet she comes back from Asia a much more confident girl.

No need for the meanness in your post at all.

RossFixxxed

AARRRGH wrote: »

I think you have low self esteem and are paranoid no one likes you.

I'm always saying this, but go get some counselling and sort it out once and for all. The alternative is to spend years hoping your problems go away.

I do have to agree with this but I will add one thing... Keep in mind it's NOT ALL YOU that's at fault. I've had this for years and after moving job find I do like some places. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have to try and fit in a bet better and get going with the job but a lot of offices are poxy, and there is a lot of cliquey, annoying, politically motivated people out there.

Go for help and you will learn over time what's your fault and what's the job. When to let go and when to stand firm and say NO. I'm still learning it myself! We should start a club!

Good luck and stay in contact,
Ross

AARRRGH

SpookyDoll wrote: »

No need for the meanness in your post at all.

Meanness? There is no meanness in my post.

You're being overly sensitive. I am advising the OP to tackle her problems head on. There is more to the OPs issues than shyness and inexperience if she thinks everyone is saying bad things about her behind her back.

EDIT:

There are two types of people in this world:

1. The person who blames others for her problems. She becomes bitter, angry, and unhappy.

2. The person who takes ownership of her problems and vows to sort them out. She becomes confident, successful, and a better human being.

There is nothing wrong with having faults, but there is something wrong if you do nothing about them.

RossFixxxed

+1 to the above it's very true. I would just offer what I said above, this needs to be tempered slightly. You can't blame yourself 100% but you do have to tackle your problems head on and accept ownership. It can be hard initially but it will get easier and you will find that job, or a much better environment. And lets be honest, there will ALWAYS be people bitching behind your back... But they're not worth the energy to be fair!


Let me give you a brief story: I worked in a bank controlled from Germany. A report was sent everyday to Germany from the Dublin office. A mail came in asking it be in a certain font, a certain header etc etc etc (they're german of course). Everyone stood around complaining, giving out about Germany, their attitude etc... One guy changed his template (5 minutes) emailed it to me and went home for the evening totally calm.... That taught me a lot about work.... Just thought I'd share!

Ross

LegacyUser

Thanks for the helpful suggestions, but this:

I think you have low self esteem and are paranoid no one likes you.

is absolutely untrue. I should have been clearer in my original post but I didn't want to be identified. This is absolutely NOT paranoia - the girls in that job really didn't like me. The whispering was the first in a long line of totally unproked nasty incidents - one of them went as far as going to the boss and telling him I did several things I didn't do. This particular lady also adopted a sarcastic tone on the phone to me and acted like I was putting her out by putting calls through to her from people who asked for her by name! I was nothing but nice to the girl, even though she was snotty and standoffish with me, I made an effort to chat with her at lunchtime, yet for some reason she took a dislike to me, and pretty much the whole office took her side. I'm pretty sure this was a particularly nasty workplace - several temps who came in commented that they'd hate to work there full time - but I AM accepting the fact that some of the reason I didn't last there was my own fault. I obviously have some problem relating to other women if so many of them seem to dislike me so much. I just can't understand such unproked, blatant nastiness towards someone trying their best to fit in in a new job. One of the men, who obviously noticed the nastiness, told me not to mind those girls and that they're jealous of a 'thin, pretty girl like you.' Now, that would be just pathetic (and for the record, I don't think I'm THAT great looking) so that surely can't be the reason. Perhaps my slight shyness is coming off as arrogance, though? Maybe they think I'm stuck up? I just feel socially retarded in this environment - I have NO idea how to deal with these people. It's all well and good saying I'm paranoid, but being let go from two jobs in a year kind of knocks your confidence a bit??!

DenMan

Hi OP

Sorry to hear that your previous office jobs have not worked out for you. You seem to be very good at your work, albeit it gets you down that's for sure. An office environment is a daunting place to work and "fitting in" is something a lot more people struggle with. I spent a bit of time working in an office environment and didn't like it one bit. In some cases there can be clique inside and it is difficult to become part of it. You would seem more comfortable with yourself once you have left. It is not the path for you. I wish you well in your teaching position as this may seem more to your liking. You will feel better, knowing you are out of that office environment and on to something you will really enjoy. Have fun. You made the right decision to leave when you did and now the world awaits. Good luck.