Need your urgent help GF issue(long post)

LegacyUser

Ok I have this problem with my girl friend of 5 years and I have no idea what I should do from here on.
My girl friend has extremely low self steam.
I have no idea why, to me this does not make sense one bit, but this is destroying our relationship.
To me she is this sweet, lovely, loving and caring girl and I have told her time and time again that I can not imagine finding my self a better partner than her but none of this helps.

Most of the problem is basically; because she has low self steam she tried to please every one.she will never say no to any one and she does every thing that is asked of her.
She thinks that people may not like her if she doesn’t and basically the fear of disapproval or disappointing any one that she knows, drives her to be the most obliging girl there is.
Now I on the other hand am quit confident,and I suppose im very intuitive about pretty much everything.
I pick things up very quickly.
So I try to be fair with her,like for example if we have an argument I always try to look at things from her point of view etc and see if I was being fair.
The problem is this started to take a lot out of me,cuz I always have to mind the impact that an argument will have on her.
She can not look an argument as a normal and natural part of a relashionship ,she always takes everything to heart and will start blaming her self for it and this does more damage for her self steam.

On the other hand I get tired of having to always mind this,and always being conscious of this fact.
I just want to have an argument some times and even be totally selfish some times with out having to worry about the impact it will have on her.

See im not a saint ,I’m not minding her and trying to look at things from her point of view because of this amazing fair guy or anything, I only do it simply cuz I know I have to cuz other wise it will have really bad and lasting effects on her.
That’s the only reason why I do it, and constantly having this in my mind takes a lot out of me too.

Now her low self steam coupled with normal female attributes makes us argue and break up a lot.
Now a major problem is that I can not be honest with her 100% again because of her low self steam.
For example if some one comes up to me and says,hey I think you are a *rick cuz of this that and the other,I would think to my self,well am i?
Then I listen to them and see if they make sense to me or not.
If they do I go ok ,I need to change and if they don’t I go feck off .
Basically I don’t get down on my self and starting blaming my self.

With her if I go to her for example, why are you trying to please every one and why will you not tell Michelle for example to feck off, she has no answer for me and if I tell her that it’s because you are afraid of disappointing her she will get down on her self.
Now the impact that all of this has on our relationship is this:

Basically she tries to be too obliging towards every one she knows (including her family) and this will eventually piss her off and the one person she takes out on is me.
She completely agrees with me on the above and she even says so her self but I have gotten to a stage where I know I, no, we cant go on like this.
We are broken up at the moment after 5 years and the last thing I want to do but as I said I know with out a doubt that until this gets sorted we can’t have any future.

So my question is this:
How do I make her feel good about her self?
How do I make her feel confident?
How do I make her tell ppl (including me) to feck off with out worrying whether we like her or not?
How do I make believe that the more she respects her self the more others will respect her.

Many Thanks in advance for your help.

BroomBurner

She's the only one that can change her attitude to things, I'm afraid. She sounds like maybe some counselling could help her, if she would go for it. Maybe suggest it along the lines of "it makes me upset to see you like this". Then seeing as she is the type of person to ty to make everyone aound her happy, she will do what you suggest.

Does she have any hobbies/interests that she's really good at that might help her impove her self-esteem and self-worth?

Oryx

So my question is this:
How do I make her feel good about her self?
How do I make her feel confident?
How do I make her tell ppl (including me) to feck off with out worrying whether we like her or not?
How do I make believe that the more she respects her self the more others will respect her.

You cant make her change, that has to start within her. You can support, compliment, and continually tell her how worthwhile she is, but its something only she can really alter. You have to support her as she finds out how to do that herself. Point her in the right direction is all you can do.

With regards to your own relationship with her, that you can do something with. Dont ever sidestep a confrontation for her sake, but make sure she always knows that We are arguing but I am not leaving. We are both angry but this will not break us. Show her that you both can disagree without it being terminal. And perhaps its something that will carry through to other situations.

Other than that courses that build confidence, voluntary work that requires dealing with comittees and decision making, can help. As can forcing her to stand on her own two feet when it comes to dealing with others and making decisions. You can keep reminding her too that it is ok to say NO. The world will not end. But ultimately this is her battle to fight, and you can only assist by her side.