how do you help someone over heartace?

gubby

Hi I wonder if anyone can help me to help my daughter who has just been dumped for the third time by her boyfriend. It looks permanent this time, which I hope,cos I hate to see her soooo hurt. I don't ever want her to have to go through this again.
She is sick and cant work or eat.. I just cant bear to see her like this. She finds it hard to talk about it and I dont want to push her to talk to me but I wish she would talk to someone. I love her so much and I know she knows that but I wish I could help her. I want to go to his house and bawl him out but I guess I know that would not help... and god forbid if they got back together.. I would be the enemy. what can I say to help her? someone who has been through this heartbreak, was there anything that anyone said that helped you to get over him.
thanks

Karen_*

Well there's no quick fix for this I'm afraid but what does help is having a lovely mammy like you to talk to. Give her loads of minding and TLC like you have been doing.

Overheal

Talk about yourself? Spin her a fine all yarn of the olden days when you were a young n brave babe magnet that got his heart broken. Extra points for cheezy self-ego boosts. Dont make her talk if she doesnt want to just give her something neutral to listen to.

meglome

It's difficult for you to do anything for her outside of being there for her. If she's being dumped for the third time she needs to smell the flowers on this one seriously. Being dumped once is terrible and I think we all know what that feels like, the second time could also be very hurtful but at some point you've got to take a stand for yourself. For her own self-esteem and well-being she's gotta walk away and not look back. Under no circumstances should anyone put up with being dumped by the same person three times. Surely she has friends that can tell her this and try to make her see sense?

Beruthiel

gubby wrote: »

someone who has been through this heartbreak, was there anything that anyone said that helped you to get over him.

No.
There is nothing anyone can say that will help.
Being there and just listening when she's ready to talk is fantastic though.
TLC, cups of tea and she'll eventually get through it.
As you know yourself, time is the great healer.

If this is the third time they have broken up, then it's well and truly past the stage where she should be bothering with him anymore. That is something she is going to have to sort out and deal with.
She needs to move on.

millyj

my mum has been absolutely brilliant in the past. she would never say anythgin negative about other halves at the time in case we did get back together but would be there and listen to me and give advice and always let me know i could talk to her about these things. Its afterwards when i am feeling better and she knows we wont get back that she will let me know how she really felt about these guys......

Overheal

millyj wrote: »

my mum has been absolutely brilliant in the past. she would never say anythgin negative about other halves at the time in case we did get back together but would be there and listen to me and give advice and always let me know i could talk to her about these things. Its afterwards when i am feeling better and she knows we wont get back that she will let me know how she really felt about these guys......

Parents are meant to play good cop bad cop imo mommies say he was a nice lad such a shame and daddies say what a little bastard ill put my foot up his ass

But yes, time space, and hot chocolate.

Shauna_N

Would she be interested in posting her story here? Advice from strangers is sometimes easier to take than listening to family. It could also be therapeutic for her to write it all down and get if off her chest. Might be work suggesting it. Other than that, it'll just take time. She'll be ok in a while.

david_the_great

meglome wrote: »

It's difficult for you to do anything for her outside of being there for her. If she's being dumped for the third time she needs to smell the flowers on this one seriously. Being dumped once is terrible and I think we all know what that feels like, the second time could also be very hurtful but at some point you've got to take a stand for yourself. For her own self-esteem and well-being she's gotta walk away and not look back. Under no circumstances should anyone put up with being dumped by the same person three times. Surely she has friends that can tell her this and try to make her see sense?

just let her talk to you about it- she will repeat herself alot but let her until she gets bored- and let her know you are there for her

gubby

thanks everyone for your comments. brings tears to my eyes. The problem is that she cant talk to anyone. not me.. or most of her friends or siblings. I think when she can she will post here as she has many post on boards. lots of you will know her so I wont give her name here. thanks again. I guess all I can do is hang in there for her. cheers

How Strange

Is this her first 'serious' boyfriend? I ask because I was a complete basket case when I broke up with my first one and the parents didn't even dare look at me let alone speak to me. Everytime anyone said a word I'd start crying.

Yeh, I agree with all the usual cliches - time being a healer etc etc.

She will just get to the point where she'll be tired of sitting around starving herself and agonising over him. She won't be over him but she'll come around to thinking she's missing out on fun somewhere and slowly but surely she'll get over it.

You sound like a sensitive mam so just be there for her. Make her a cup of tea or listen to her moan and above all encourage her to get in touch with her friends and do things with them. Don't whatever you do mention 'plenty more fish in the sea', I really hated when people said that to me.

Karen_*

Gubby I had an awful break up this year and I was in bits. the pain was terrible and I thought I'd never get over it. I was treated very badly and allowed the bad treatment to go on for some time. I don't feel brilliant today to be honest but I'm a million times better than I was some months ago. I never thought the pain would lessen. But with a great deal of trying on my part I've come a long way. Time really does heal and even though at first she doesn't want to talk, she will. And I would have loved to have a mother like you to talk to when I was ready to talk. You're helping her just by being there.

And as a mother myself I know that if my child was hurting I would feel it ten times more than the pain I went through for myself. My heart goes out to you both.

eveie

i suppose all you can do is be there for her, dont push her to talk, she'l do that when shes ready.
can i ask if she has low self esteem i cant see many other reason for getting back with someone after being dumped twice by them.
maybe organise a shopping day out, go for lunch together, little things like that, but she will need to deal with this herself and fingers crossed she wont put herself through it again.
it will get easier for her, its tough to deal with but as we all know its not the end of the world

pookie82

You sound like a lovely Mum. I hope she realises how lucky she is to have you. My mum was always great during breakups but to be honest for the first while after really bad ones all i was fit to do was cry by myself for a while. I knew when I wanted to talk or give out or moan she'd listen. She's my best friend when it comes to things like that. The suggestion to organise a day out for the pair of you sounds good to me. You don't even have to bring up the B word, just have a laugh and try to cheer her up. Eventually she'll probably open up but for now I'm sure she needs to nurse her grief in private.

IanCurtis

Don't say there's more fish in the sea....there's only one fish she's interested in.

Treat her exceptionally well....show her life after this.....great films/food/etc.

One thing I found very comforting is my mam telling me that they (my parents) went through all sorts of eejits before they met each other.

Be sensitive and get to know your daughter...you sound like a great mother....this is all part of the character-building process, no matter how awful it may seem now.

Best of luck

sunshinegirl

Overheal wrote: »

Talk about yourself? Spin her a fine all yarn of the olden days when you were a young n brave babe magnet that got his heart broken. Extra points for cheezy self-ego boosts. Dont make her talk if she doesnt want to just give her something neutral to listen to.

chocolate,tea, and a funny movie, and the above quote

Beruthiel

gubby wrote: »

thanks everyone for your comments. brings tears to my eyes. The problem is that she cant talk to anyone. not me.. or most of her friends or siblings. I think when she can she will post here as she has many post on boards. lots of you will know her so I wont give her name here. thanks again. I guess all I can do is hang in there for her. cheers

After my banning faux pas, I'm not lightly to forget either of you

It's probably too soon for her to talk yet, that takes time. When it first happens all you want to do is lock yourself away from the world for a bit.
Eventually she will come out of herself. Just keep making the tea till she does.