Who is right and who is wrong?

LegacyUser

OK, i'm going to try and tell this story as objectively as possible. I realise that there is no innocent party and it takes 2 to tango but I am really irritated by something that happened today.

First a brief outline - I have posted anon about my relationship with my ex before so this may ring a bell to some.

Basically we broke up 8 months ago but stayed friends I am recovering from bulimia and he has been supportive but sometimes it's hurt more by having him around because he doesn't want to get back together, though i still have some feelings i have been working quite hard to move away from him.

We set up a company together which we are in the process of dissolving at the moment and once that is done we had always agreed to go our separate ways even though we seemed to be getting on - this is what i wanted moreso than him - he'd be friends forever - but he dumped me.

As I have made progress becoming independent I have noticed that he has been contacting me a lot more frequently, he has never grieved the end of our relationship (probably because i never went anywhere) and i do find that when i try to move on - he causes trouble for me, fights with me etc.

Anyway, back to what happened today...

He has been due to collect some documents from me in order to get to work on dissolving out company, i have left this in his hands and yesterday he called me up and asked if i was around so he could pick them up off me. I said I wasn't, so he said "what about tomorrow?" I said "I'm working till 12" he instantly said "we can go for lunch or something"

I said "ok cool"

It all seemed fine to me - i was even suprised he suggested it as suually if i suggested lunch his response would be "ugh" or "effort" so in ways i was a little excited, i hadn't seen him in a bit and was feeling good about myself - I've come along way and wanted him to see the changes.

So today, at 12, I called him to say I was leaving work. I said "what's the story?" his reply...."The story is, it's pissing rain and i'm not leaving the house today" - I was a little bit thrown which he probably guessed by my voice - and I said "oh ok - but we had lunch plans" - he was like "oh don't start this ****e". I was really concious of not sounding desperate so went out of my way to be understanding but It was to late and he was already pissed of so he said "whatever" and hung up.

As i was leaving work in town the sun was shining and the ground wasn't even damp.....ok so I know i shouldn't have but I texted him to say "Lovely day where I am, ground isn't even damp - Have a nice day" his reply "Pissing rain where i am, don't be like that" I said "I'm not being like anything, lunch was your idea, i just don't really get it"

Basically messages were exchanged, eventually i sent one saying it wasn't a big deal and i put a smiley face on it to try lighten the mood a little. He rang me then asking why i was being so ratty and i said my initial reaction was only because i felt a little bit hurt to be cancelled because it was raining, I said that if he'd been doing something important I wouldn't have minded but to cancel because of the rain i just found pure offensive. He was a little bit mean - he kept saying things like "I didn't realise your whole day revolved around having lunch with me" things like that, then he said "I'm not talking to you when your crying" - and I wasn't even crying - over and over again i just kept saying "I don't want to fight over this, we misunderstood eachother"

It was so draining, I have no idea what made him so angry - I wasn't upset when i was talking to him but by the time i got home I was very upset.....I never wanted it to escalate in to a big deal - anyway, eventually the conversation ended and after i sent him a text saying I thought too much of him to fight over something so trivial and i'm still his friend if he wants me to be - his reply "Glad your dropping it, laters"

I asked him then if he wanted me to drop the stuff in his letter box- to which he responded "i'll get them, don't worry about it" so I stupidly said i'd like to meet up and clear the air and he said "everythings fine, don't worry about it". That was hours ago, I didn't reply and i just hate how he did all this, he suggested lunch - something i have learned not to do cuz he'll just say no or make me feel bad about it - then he cancelled it and started telling me how i felt.

Maybe someone can make sense of this and tell me what's happeneing, I was starting to feel like i was getting over him, now i've thought about nothing but him all day - SO BRAIN DESTROYING!

Help
xxx

davyjose

Have you grieved the end of your relationship? Because it sounds like you're still in it. This was a lover's tiff IMO.

Don't organise lunch with him, keep it strictly business in future. Then go your own way as planned.

How Strange

IMO, get out of each other's lives. You're still acting like a couple.

Cut the chatting, the 'being friends', the 'meeting for lunch'. You are now two independent people who have nothing in common except a past and a company which needs to be dissolved.

He's acting like a spoilt brat and you're being completely passive and letting him walk all over you. Why are you continuously apologising and giving him more and more opportunities to act like a sulky 16 year old?

He was a moron today and you just enabled his bad behaviour and encouraged it to continue until it grew out of all proportion so in fact both of you are at fault.

I've never done the friends with ex thing and I'm glad. Yes, it hurts like hell to have them wrenched from your life but it sure beats this head f*cking which you two are engaged in right now. I've seen so many friends go through the same thing.

Dissolve your company, carry out any dealings in relation to it completely professionally and stop using it as an excuse for continually being in contact.

pookie82

He sounds like a pr*ck with no consideration or respect for you. No friend, let alone ex boyfriend, with any respect left for you would be such a jerk. Fine if he couldn't make lunch for whatever reason but an apology wouldn't have killed him. And to tease you about your day revolving around meeting him - that's just low. I think I remember you ages back - you wanted to get back with him as he was doing a lot to help you through your illness but he refused to? was that you? Maybe now that you're finally moving on in some sick way he still wants to exercise some power over you. Like arrange lunch out of the blue, then cancel to disappoint you and lord it over you that you were looking forward to seeing him.

Sounds to me like he's deliberately being mean. If I were you I'd write him a long e-mail explaining that all you expected from the lunch cancellation was an apology and a decent excuse - as much as any friend or business acquaintance who has arranged to meet someone would deserve on a cancellation. Explain to him that you were a little taken a back at his rudeness but by no means upset that you should probably do business from now on over the computer/mail/phone. I'd reject any further attempts by him to meet up. He's messing with you.

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you into thinking you still need him and crave his meetings/attention when you're actually moving on. He's probably recognised that and is looking to thwart it.

StormWarrior

It sounds like he doesn't want you, but he wants to know you want him. Just cut contact and ignore him from now on. If you have to speak to him for business, be civil but distant. Don't make plans with him unless it's strictly necessary for business.

And btw don't bring up the lunch thing again. It just makes you sound desperate.

Amazotheamazing

He was looking for a reaction. He might be upset over something else, he might just be an idiot, but he was using you to vent.

It's easier said than done, but you can't "win" a text conversation, so why bother even engage? When he said he wasn't coming, you should have just walked away and let him stew. Again, easier said than done.

MagicMarker

You don't need to even contact each other regarding the business. Everything that needs to be done can be done by fax/mail. You're just using this as an excuse to stay in contact with one another.

Cut all ties!

The fact that you still have feelings for him but he doesn't want to get back together should really make this one a no brainer!!

STUBBORNGIRL

he is controlling you and enjoying it! Cop on and stop texting him - tell him he can collect the papers at a certain time at a certain place (you will not be there). HAve no more contact with him!What age is he - rain preventing him from a lunch arrangement! Like seriously!

I remember your post from before and he is a childish immature headwrecker! you, however, are giving him every reason to be controlling by playing into his hands.

Have you paid him back the money you owed him? if not get that loan and get him totally out of your life!

I dont really see any right here - you are both wrong - wrong to let a situation that should be professional get so personal now! you need to realise that what you had, is now gone and you should move on and find someone else who will not play games with you.

Loopy

OP, everyone's coming down a bit hard on you here, but I agree with a lot of the posts. He seems to relishing the fact that you are still into him. He is getting off on this by the sounds of it and playing stupid games.

Your texts come across as being a little desperate IMO. Ok, he suggested lunch and then cancelled (sh1t like this happens all the time), you are over-reacting I think.

Be strong and walk away.. You don't 'have' to meet each other to sort out the closure of business.

Recovering from Bulimia is a massive step forward in your life as its a horrible, disgusting illness and a very difficult thing to get through. Concentrate on that for now and the very best of luck with it..

Karen_*

OP what are you sorry for? Are you sorry he's a prat?

Stop apologising and trying to drag a civil response from him. He is controlling you and calling the shots. Just because he can. And probably because he's one of these people who gains his confidence by sucking it from others. He's immature, nasty and he can't respect anyone because he has no respect for himself. Lets face it, happy confident and self respecting people do not speak to people like that.

You want him to see you're doing well. But you're not. You'll be doing well when you no longer care what he thinks or feel a need for him to know how you are. Do you think he'll realise he made a huge mistake and have you back? Lets hope not because you really really do not want to be with an abusive controlling git. I know you don't. He knows how you really are because if he thought you were ok he'd get manners on him. His sort like to kick people when they are down. And if you were ok you wouldn't be apologising to him for him being a pri**k!

And yes sometimes in our insecurity we can look at someone as horrible as him and want them because if someone that awful doesn't want us then that means we must be worse than them!! Imagine being not good enough for the likes of that! Well you're too good for him and you have to either realise that and act or act and realise it later and with time away from him that realisation will come and it will stick.

SnowMonkey

from this end it looks like a childish game he's playing. You said oh im busy and then arange's to meet up and the next day cancels.... thats all i can see that he's being a bit...padantic i think the word is.....

ignore his imaturit's it sounds to me as tho hes causeing you more trouble then any friend would my advise would be this finish up all the finalising peapers and be gone of him change your number to another one so he cant get incontact with you, well done for doing so well. dont let him spoil it you dont diserve that...

05D

Hi OP,

He doesn't sound like a very nice chap.

I think what you should do is completely cut yourself off from him for a while.
Don't ring or reply back to txt messages.
He doesn't seem to have any manners or respect for you, so why should you for him.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all of your replies.

Yes that was me who posted saying i wanted to get back with him not so long ago - I really felt that way up till very very recently but I think he had just been so nice recently - but the way he acted yesterday was like going back in a timewarp to how things were when we were going out - I came out of that conversation emotionally and mentally drained and i felt like i was back to square 1 with everything.

I've written down how horrible i felt yesterday and every time i feel like i miss him or need him i'm going to read it.

With regard to the company - we made as much money back as we put in in the first place - had we pursued it we would have made more but it means we can settle things now very equally - he was the "business minded" side of the partnership so is looking after the paperwork - although it all gets sent to my address and he doesn't seem very interested in collecting it.

I have taken what all of you have said onboard - i'm not sure how much i am able to just shut him out - as much as i would love that - I have attempted it in the past and he will send me emails telling me how much he helped me and how i'm being horrible to him and he doesn't deserve it - I am able to read them and realise it's a manipulation tactic but i still let it get to me and i feel bad because although he can be a total **** - he can also be really nice.

In saying that though - i will try to not be so desperate - i don't feel like i want anything other than to move on.

With regard to my bulimia, I haven't been sick in ages - it's really difficult and i have noticed that when i am in dispute with him my triggers are going crazy- so it's really not helping. I wanted him to see how much i have come on and on the phone yesterday he actually said "you haven't changed at all" - That really hurt because i've become a totally different person, i used to be very dependent on his approval etc - now i hardly even ring or text him....

I just want to be over him already - sorry this turned in to a bit of a rant

Wibbs

You won't begin to start to get over him until you accept fully that it's over. Simplistic but true.

Nevyn

If he wants the documents get him to send a courier when you are advailible and just keep clear of him, there is no point in being in contact when it is only messing you up.

pookie82

mywitsend wrote: »

I have taken what all of you have said onboard - i'm not sure how much i am able to just shut him out - as much as i would love that - I have attempted it in the past and he will send me emails telling me how much he helped me and how i'm being horrible to him and he doesn't deserve it - I am able to read them and realise it's a manipulation tactic but i still let it get to me and i feel bad because although he can be a total **** - he can also be really nice.

With regard to my bulimia, I haven't been sick in ages - it's really difficult and i have noticed that when i am in dispute with him my triggers are going crazy- so it's really not helping.

Next time he tries to manipulate you into feeling guilty for trying to break away with talk of how much he's helped you, just tell him that continued contact is now becoming a hindrance to your recovery, and although you're very appraciative of all of his help in the past, if any contact now will result in him playing mind games, you can do without it. I don't think there's anything he can say to that.

STUBBORNGIRL

I didnt want to think that you were just hanging in there ,in the hope that you could rekindle what you used to have, but after reading your last post you most definitely are! Can you see this going anywhere but downhill - its over for a reason! He has made a fool out of you and you have let him treat you this way. Start taking control of the situation now.

You have admitted he is a ba$tard and that he treats you like rubbish and makes you feel bad about yourself - Why not be the better person and stop letting him make you feel like this -

Cut all contact! Its Finito!

If he continues to contact you - ignore him - you will be surprised how fast he will get bored of not getting a response from you! Then he will give up STOP telling yourself he will always be there pestering you! YEah he helped you in a time when you needed him most - you cant go on repaying him for the rest of your life! You have given him as much thanks as he is going to get!

JUST DO IT - CUT ALL CONTACT!!!! For your own sanity or else you will just continue to be miserable! Find things to do to occupy your mind! The secret is to Ignore his texts - do not reply at all at all!!!!! Even if they make you feel bad - Delete them straight away and think no more of them! HE is not going to make you feel bad about yourself anymore! Chant this if you need to!!

pookie82

Sorry, double post

Karen_*

Op as soon as your ex meets someone else you will be dumped and thats not a maybe. He is a selfish control freak who is too scared to not have someone to put down. He needs to have someone wanting him. He will have no qualms whatsoever in dropping you as soon as someone else comes along and you'll be gutted. He cares for noone OP and you know how this is goign to turn out but yet you cannot stop yourself replying to him. He's got none of the pain of a breakup and none of the missing you and he never will because he'll replace you when he can. Now thats the way he wants to live his life and in truth he will end up alone but are you going to let him continue to dance all over you until he's found someone else to suck the life out of?

LegacyUser

I think for a while i was deffo 100% hanging on in the hope that we could get back together but i genuinely don't think that's what it's about now.

I'm going to co-operate with him for the sake of getting out of the company, i'm not going to be his friend and if he questions me - i have no idea what i will say - it's just that now he has all all the company documents/ account details etc. Until the company is sorted out i'm relying on him to give me my money back and i don't think he'd screw me over at all but if i blank him i'm not going to do myself any favours....

I'm really not looking for excuses to hang around, i'd love to have all this stuff sorted out and be happy to close the door.

Dragan

mywitsend wrote: »

I wanted him to see how much i have come on and on the phone yesterday he actually said "you haven't changed at all" - That really hurt because i've become a totally different person, i used to be very dependent on his approval etc - now i hardly even ring or text him....

I just want to be over him already - sorry this turned in to a bit of a rant

I'm sorry but the above is massive contradiction. It seems to me like you want him to look at you and think "wow, you have changed for the better", I'm sorry but that is either seeking his approval which you think you are no longer doing or looking to rub his nose in it which is petty and should be avoided.

The guy is no good for you one way or the other. Cut contact, hire a courier to send him the files and when all the business is taken care of then walk away.

Drummerboy2

Sorry to say your ex sounds like a horrible individual. He shows now understanding towards you whatsoever. You should not demean yourself like this. If you allow someone use you like a doormat, expect to get walked on. Sorry for being so harsh, you sound like a loving, caring person, hope you meet someone who will appreciate your fine qualities.

davyjose

mywitsend wrote: »

i'm not sure how much i am able to just shut him out - as much as i would love that - I have attempted it in the past and he will send me emails telling me how much he helped me and how i'm being horrible to him and he doesn't deserve it - I am able to read them and realise it's a manipulation tactic but i still let it get to me and i feel bad because although he can be a total **** - he can also be really nice.

Ah here.... no offence but do you want to get over this guy or not? To realise that you're being manipulated by this guy and just accepting with a shrug of your shoulders is a recipe for disaster. You are broken up with this guy, ergo, his problems are none of your business - he doesn't deserve anything off you anymore, he broke up with you ffs!!!

Sounds to me like you want an excuse to keep him around, and you're just not being honest with yourself.

Karen_*

Well you can show him you've become a totally different person by cutting him off OP. That will show him how strong you are and that you don't need him.

Here's the thing: he doesn't want you. He won't want you if you lose ten pounds and win the lotto. He won't wan't you no matter what. No amount of you changing is going to work in getting him back. The only think that won't change is that he doesn't want you.

And don't mistake his crumbs or his warped friendship for him wanting you back! He just wants a sub until he meets someone else. You want a relationship with this guy and you are not going to get one. So is anything else good enough for you?

I don't think you want to be with him. I think you just don't want to be hurting and I think you feel rejected. And maybe on some level you think that by getting him back it will mean you're ok. But you are ok. And I'm not saying that the dumper in every relationship is an absolute B*****. People are entitled to change their minds and want to split up or move on. But its how dumpers behave that defines the sort of person they are. and someone who treats you like your ex has treated you isn't worth all of this heartache. He's a horrible person. and he's still going to be a horrible person with the next girl.

He's right, you're not changing. Because any token changes you're making are not for yourself, they're for him.

LegacyUser

I've read all of this with great interest. Thank you for all of your opinions.....Dragon - thank you for pointing out my contradiction - I didn't even realise i had done that.

I think I have a long way to go - but i am really decided that i owe him nothing and i am going to move on now - he is the past.

I know it won't be easy but i don't want to be here in another 3 months time posting another thread about him...I will update you though because this thread has really opened my eyes to things and ideas i didn't really notice before

xxx

Sugar Drunk

ok, so first well don eon taking so many steps to beating bullima that cant be easy. yes, maybe your ex helped you but at the end of the day YOU decided to change and made the change happen.

You ex, is a controlling cruel person. he reminds me so much of an ex of mine. The exact same game. If I was busy or happy he would badger me to meet him or he would arrange to meet me. He would fail to turn up and then if I complained, he would say it was because I was obsessed with him. He liked doing this sort of thing as he meant he in his head was controlling me - same with yours - you took time out of your day to meet him and he didnt bother to show and hadnt the decency to apologise. He just wanted to be able to control your time and your feelings. The way you texted him to say you were sorry? yeah, i used to do that to 'im sorry i reacted that way can we still be friends' and there he is happy out sure he engineered the situation, acted the pr*ck and you are apologising. Im not beatin gyou up about it , ive been there it takes a particularily cruel and manipulative fella to be able to do this but they are out there!.

I know its hard but you need to make a clean break. the couroer idea is a great one. each time you become a little independent he will try and brin gyou down and make you more dependent on him so it will take restraint to stay away. when i moved on and got with a new BF, my ex kept at me to 'meet up' etc see he didnt want me but he didnt want anyone else to have me. I refused and he got really nasty about it so I ignored him for a few weeks and eventually he went away. It will do your ex the world of goo dif you break away withany luck it will be a wake up call for him. Beating an illness you really need to be positive and hopefull. if this lad drags you down everytime you are positive, he is not a friend and he is not helping you to beat it at all

LegacyUser

Thanks Sugar Drunk - it's good to know other people have come out of similar situations still kicking....thank you