In Love, lust or neither??

LegacyUser

Hey,

I really need some advice.

I'm stuck in a situation that has been dragging on for years and I really need some clarity.

Is it possible that there are some people you simply never get over? My ex and I have been
broken up for 2 years, have both been with other people and yet keep coming back to each
other. Sometimes I think it's familiarity, other times I think that deep down we love each other
too much to let it go.

We were together for 4 years. He's 30, I'm 26. Things ended badly and we hated each other for a while
but now we meet up on occasion, have sex and then don't speak for maybe a month. When we meet up it's
always so easy and lovely but we always part ways again because we both know it won't work. Past
mistakes would come back to haunt us.

I still love him and he says he loves me too but there's a big difference between love and in love and maybe
we both just need to find someone new. A fresh start maybe.

Then I think why the hell do we keep going back against our better judgement. Is it love or is it an easy ride?!!

Please advise, be harsh if necessary!!

Also, can you get over someone if they are in your life still (sexually). Men can, women can't perhaps??

RedXIV

confusedbemused wrote: »

Hey,

Howdy

confusedbemused wrote: »

I really need some advice.

I'm stuck in a situation that has been dragging on for years and I really need some clarity.

Is clarity the same as advice? or a kick up the arse?

confusedbemused wrote: »

Is it possible that there are some people you simply never get over?

Possible but unlikely. There are quite a few that feel like you'll never get over but thats not the same.

confusedbemused wrote: »

My ex and I have been
broken up for 2 years, have both been with other people and yet keep coming back to each
other. Sometimes I think it's familiarity, other times I think that deep down we love each other
too much to let it go.

Well to me it sounds like one of two things, you either both have feelings for one another, or someone is (excuse the pun) being taken for ride.

confusedbemused wrote: »

We were together for 4 years. He's 30, I'm 26. Things ended badly and we hated each other for a while
but now we meet up on occasion, have sex and then don't speak for maybe a month.

This sounds very much like option B above, except it appears that you are both fulfilling a need you both recognise.

confusedbemused wrote: »

When we meet up it's
always so easy and lovely but we always part ways again because we both know it won't work. Past
mistakes would come back to haunt us.

People learn from mistakes, thats the whole point of them. If it's him saying that it'll never work, we'll stay on these terms, then he's taking you as an easy piece of fun. if it's you saying this, why are you saying this? have you not evolved enough as a couple to combat the past problems?

confusedbemused wrote: »

I still love him and he says he loves me too but there's a big difference between love and in love and maybe
we both just need to find someone new. A fresh start maybe.

With these words uttered, i urge you, either make it a relationship or end it. Now. because you will get hurt otherwise. thats not advice, thats fact.

confusedbemused wrote: »

Then I think why the hell do we keep going back against our better judgement. Is it love or is it an easy ride?!!

Only you know.

confusedbemused wrote: »

Please advise, be harsh if necessary!!

Hope that wasn't too painful for you

confusedbemused wrote: »

Also, can you get over someone if they are in your life still (sexually). Men can, women can't perhaps??

No. and neither sex can, you will not find a new relationship while you are continuing this. I'm sorry but this is brutal truth. you will not get over him while you're still this intimate and telling each other you love each other. either make it a relationship or end it completely. those are the only two decisions i can recommend

Best of Luck

Red

Dragan

People seem to think that when a relationship ends so should your feelings for that person. The simple fact is that feelings will be attached to memories and you will always have those memories of the good times and the nice warm fuzzy feelings that go along with them.

For me, getting over someone is not removing them from my thoughts or life, it is accepting that we had good times and bad but for whatever reason it did not work out. It doesn't mean I always hated them/didn't like them….it means at one point I did, stuff happened, now I don't.

It's perfectly fine to look bad at the good times and feel all great about them.

Now then, to your situation I think you need to stopped the physical stuff….it confuses the issue.

Sleepy

confusedbemused wrote: »

Is it possible that there are some people you simply never get over?

Only in movies or crap books.

Wibbs

RedXIV wrote: »

you will not find a new relationship while you are continuing this. I'm sorry but this is brutal truth. you will not get over him while you're still this intimate and telling each other you love each other. either make it a relationship or end it completely. those are the only two decisions i can recommend

That's what it boils down to as it stands now.

I would disagree with the others about people you never get over. I can think of three examples of men and women I know personally who haven't gotten over someone, sometimes decades later. They're with(in one case married) to new people too. Now I think a lot of it is that they've never recaptured that deep, in love, first love feeling kinda stuff with someone else (More to the point refused to open up that part of themselves again.) In fact I can think of even more than those three that late at night with drink on board will say they have a similar tale to tell. In a kinda way I've been there in that I've been in that kind of love twice in my life and there was over ten years between them. Now there were women who I cared about very deeply and loved in the interim between those two, just not quite the same, though it didn't mean those were not bloody good relationships. Even so the heavy duty one still happened to me twice so....

In very very rare cases you do have two people that have been together, split up and go through life with other people but have that link that fades in and out but never fades away completely. It may not even be sexual or only sexual at times. As I say they're very rare though. It still begs the question why they don't end up together. There has to be a reason.

All that said, do you know what I reckon? I reckon that you won't feel the same for someone else the way you feel/felt about him. That's the point. You will create something new and different and if you're open to it, better than the nostalgia that comes up(always about the good times btw) about him. As Red wrote though, this will not happen so long as you both are in this situation.

So I would say, píss or get off the pot basically. If you say you love each other, have that sexual connection and have a history, you do have to ask yourself why you're not together. There are couples ticking along out there that don't have that yet are together, so why are you apart? There's an answer in that alone.

The obvious thing is that you just basically fancy him sexually and you're creating something more romantic out of that purely sexual attraction. I may get flamed for this, but women are especially prone to that IMHO. I've said it before but I've seen female mates of mine with guys who were very wrong for them, even abusive. These were clever worldy women for the most part and well knew this themselves. They've asked me what I reckoned and in the past I would sit down and spout my usual BS over a couple of glasses of vino(advice getting more idiotic as the vino kicks in:)). I'd advise them to let him go, move on etc etc. It never happened that way though.

Now? Now I will ask them first if they still want to rip his clothes off. If the answer is yes then I know they'll keep going back time and time again, until he dumps them or they lose that need or find more elsewhere. Every one of my female friends has gone through that, not a single one of my male mates has. Maybe blokes are so used to being dragged around by our *ahem* libido that we're more immunised against it and tend to see it for what it is? I could just have weird mates though.:)

I say this just so you can look at this yourself and see if this is the issue. It may not be, but if you use the words chemistry, spark, but not commitment, future, etc with this guy then chances are high that it is.

My 2 cents anyway.