Want to propose...

LegacyUser

So I've been with my OH for 5 years and I've decided to propose.

But I'm scared s**tless, but its not of her saying no.

I'm scared that i am going to ruin my life, that i'll be tied down, that my life will never be the same, that i wont be able to go for a few pints with the lads on a friday and not come home til sunday! that i wont be able to pick the next car i buy or the next TV, that I wont be able to play my laptop anymore, are these normal fears!

Also I'm undecided about the ring, I want to buy he r a great one and I've got a good bit of money, but i dont want to buy one she isn't going to like! So should i buy her a small one for say 100 propose and then go pick the ring??

all advice greatly appreciated.

nervous wreck!

Marksie

I will ask one question:

If you are so scared, have so many worries. Why have you decided to propose?

Kold

Is this just because she wants you to propose? After 5 years you should really feel a bit more comfortable with the idea that you could spend your life with her. Have you ever just idly talked about the idea of being married?

Irishcrx

Completely normal feeling's mate , everyone knows marriage changes thing's, it's give and take but you'll know in your heart when your ready.

mosfo

jeez mate, you're in some state. why are proposing? you sound like you're not old enough / anywhere near ready. if weekend benders with your mates are top priority then hold off for a while. i've faaaar too many mates who 'settled down' early only to realise, after a couple of years/kids, that their lives are completed restricted and that they wished they'd waited a few years. the saddest part is, on the rare occasions they do get out, they go mental. lap/d clubs, optional extras etc.

Beruthiel

married wrote: »

I'm scared that i am going to ruin my life, that i'll be tied down, that my life will never be the same, that i wont be able to go for a few pints with the lads on a friday and not come home til sunday! that i wont be able to pick the next car i buy or the next TV, that I wont be able to play my laptop anymore, are these normal fears!

Are you living with her at the moment? If you are and you are still doing all of the above, getting married shouldn't change any of that.
But as Mark said, why are you getting married at all if you feel that scared?
This is something you should want to do.

! So should i buy her a small one for say 100 propose and then go pick the ring??

Sounds like a good idea.

LegacyUser

mosfo wrote: »

jeez mate, you're in some state. why are proposing? you sound like you're not old enough / anywhere near ready. if weekend benders with your mates are top priority then hold off for a while. i've faaaar too many mates who 'settled down' early only to realise, after a couple of years/kids, that their lives are completed restricted and that they wished they'd waited a few years. the saddest part is, on the rare occasions they do get out, they go mental. lap/d clubs, optional extras etc.

I love her and dont want anyone else but it just feels like my social life will be over if i get married! i'm only 27 so maybe i do feel a bit young for all this!

mosfo

you will still have a social life after marriage but it will be very different. you'll notice all of your single mates will fall by the wayside and your weekends will involve 'dinner at X & Y's house'. married couples socialise with other married couples

LegacyUser

You can go out friday and come home sunday?

Man, im going out with my girlfriend only 2 years and i haven't been allowed do that in ages!

Going out friday night and coming home at 6am gets me a bollocking, let alone two days!

Malari

mosfo wrote: »

you will still have a social life after marriage but it will be very different. you'll notice all of your single mates will fall by the wayside and your weekends will involve 'dinner at X & Y's house'. married couples socialise with other married couples

I think this is a bit of a generalisation

It's what you make it. I think you should find out what your girlfriend's views on marriage are. As others have said, if you are living together and doing the things you describe then I don't see why it should change. If you aren't maybe you should think about moving in first and see how that suits you.

It's not like you're moving from SINGLE to MARRIED, you're already in a relationship so if she doesn't mind you going out now for a boozer with the lads, I don't see how getting married changes this but...talk to her!!

Karen_*

married wrote: »

I love her and dont want anyone else but it just feels like my social life will be over if i get married! i'm only 27 so maybe i do feel a bit young for all this!

Well you wont' be getting married right away OP. You can't have it both ways, you can't be single and be married so make up your mind which you want most. Life doesn't have to end when you get married. It can make life even better with the right attitude.

Piste

married wrote: »

I'm scared that i am going to ruin my life, that i'll be tied down, that my life will never be the same, that i wont be able to go for a few pints with the lads on a friday and not come home til sunday! that i wont be able to pick the next car i buy or the next TV, that I wont be able to play my laptop anymore, are these normal fears!

Can you do all these things now? If so, unless your OH changes dramatically after you get married it's unlikely to change.

Also your wife isn't your mother, she can't tell you what car to buy or if you're spending too much time on yuor laptop.

VeryBerry

married wrote: »

I'm scared that i am going to ruin my life, that i'll be tied down, that my life will never be the same, that i wont be able to go for a few pints with the lads on a friday and not come home til sunday! that i wont be able to pick the next car i buy or the next TV, that I wont be able to play my laptop anymore, are these normal fears!

I think its normal to be a bit nervous about getting married, but not in the "sh*t scared" way, more in the nervous excitment way.

Things do change when you get married. You've made a life-long committment to another person, you're a team now, a family. So spending money on buying a new car, or going on a weekend long bender do require a joint discussion. It doesn't mean they can't happen, it just means you have to think about what it means for you and your partner (and any kids), and you have to talk to your partner about it.

Tbh, I don't think that happens just in a marriage. I think it happens in any committed, long-term relationship. If you're in that kind of relationship already, it shouldn't be such a huge jump to being married. If you're not in that kind of relationship...well maybe that's why you're so scared of proposing?

seamus

married wrote: »

I'm scared that i am going to ruin my life, that i'll be tied down, that my life will never be the same, that i wont be able to go for a few pints with the lads on a friday and not come home til sunday! that i wont be able to pick the next car i buy or the next TV, that I wont be able to play my laptop anymore, are these normal fears!

I'd say these are fairly normal fears. You spend all of your teenage years struggling for your own independence from your parents. Then you get a job, you have your own bank account with your own money, all of which you can spend on you, and buy whatever the f*ck you like without having to rationalise it to anyone.

Then you get married and suddenly there's a second person to factor in - you can't go buy a 40" TV on a whim because then that would leave the two of you sitting in eating reheated dinners for the rest of the month. You can't go out and buy a two-seater sports car on a ten-year loan.

I have to agree/admit that's the bit that I know is going to be hardest. But it's a natural progression. If you wanted to live the bachelor life until you die, then you wouldn't be proposing.

You're getting married, presumably with the intention of starting a family. And that's when you'll really see your freedom curtailed. Don't worry about your future wife dictating when you have to come home or home much money you spend that month. As soon as the kids come along, you won't have a choice. You can't go out drinking on a Friday and stay out till Sunday when there's a screaming brat around

And it's natural that these things will scare you. Nobody likes their life to change unless they're the ones in control. But at the same time, you either know that you're ready to accept the change or you don't. Until the change happens, there will always be that little guy in your head asking, "But what if I've forgotten to do something? What if there's some fun I'm missing out on?". You need to decide whether that little guy is right, or whether he's just scared like you are.

Remember that getting married isn't the end of fun. At all. It just means you can't run around like college student any more.

Also I'm undecided about the ring, I want to buy he r a great one and I've got a good bit of money, but i dont want to buy one she isn't going to like! So should i buy her a small one for say 100 propose and then go pick the ring??

Always a tough one. Straw polls suggest that there's no consensus on this one - some women want to pick their own ring, other women prefer the romanticism of the man picking it for them.

Your lady may have indicated her preference in this regard. If you know what type of ring/jewellery she'd like, then you can be brave and pick one out. If you're completely clueless, then you can't go wrong with getting a placeholder ring for €100.
If engagement is something which has been hinted at, then she probably drags you to look in every jeweller shop window you pass. Pay attention next time Try to find out which ones she likes and why, but don't be too obvious about it.

If all else fails, whisking her away on a romantic trip to pick the ring (i.e. propose with tickets in hand) is always acceptable. I recommend New York.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. Yeah I can do all those things now but I've been lectured when I went off for the weekend! It was only because one of the lads was heading to oz for a year. I guess. I still go out with the lads and her with the girls I guess I'm just worried about feeling like i've missed out a few years down the road but on the other hand I dont want anyone else, I've had plenty of chances to have a shag with someone else but I dont want that.

The ring thing is giving me headaches though

pookie82

seamus wrote: »

If you're completely clueless, then you can't go wrong with getting a placeholder ring for €100.
.

I wouldn't even go as far as spending 100 euro on a stand in ring tbh. Get a cute looking cheap one for 20 quid. If it's a stand in that'll shortly be replaced why spend 100 euro on it???

You really don't sound like you're ready to get married though. Most people will have a few understandable fears before popping the question but you sound like a guy who feels he should propose just cos it's been 5 years and is now bricking it. Don't make a commitment that you're likely to want to back out of a month later, it's not fair on her.

seamus

pookie82 wrote: »

I wouldn't even go as far as spending 100 euro on a stand in ring tbh. Get a cute looking cheap one for 20 quid. If it's a stand in that'll shortly be replaced why spend 100 euro on it???

I say 100 euro so you can buy a cheapish ring that she can otherwise wear when she wants to and not some cheap plastic thing that you'd throw away.

Any amount is appropriate though I guess, since it's not the real thing.

Oryx

married wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Yeah I can do all those things now but I've been lectured when I went off for the weekend! It was only because one of the lads was heading to oz for a year. I guess. I still go out with the lads and her with the girls I guess I'm just worried about feeling like i've missed out a few years down the road but on the other hand I dont want anyone else, I've had plenty of chances to have a shag with someone else but I dont want that.

The ring thing is giving me headaches though

Give her a ring box with an IOU in it and choose the ring together.

And talk to her about your fears, she is the one person who can really reassure you about them.

STUBBORNGIRL

I have a friend that was given a really cheap ring in a box when proposed to and her boyfriend let her walk around New York wearing it all day before he told her they were going to Tiffany's to buy another one! it would be a great way to test if she loved you ! because if she really loves you then the ring shouldnt matter.My friend didnt batter an eyelid! she said that he had chosen it so it meant something so who was she to throw a strop -

As for feeling you will have no life then it is up to you to ensure that you both have discussed what marriage entails and what is acceptable behaviour or not! Communication is the key to any successful relationship coupled with Trust!

Good luck and dont feel like you have to do something just because you are together for 5years! I have friends that have been with their respective partners for 8 or 12years and are only now getting engaged! Take your time and do it when you feel the time is right! THere is no going back so you really need to be completely sure that she is the one for you!

Good luck with it

decies

You dont propose to her soon mate ,she will walk away from you,most of them do.apparently the rules stipulate that you with a woman over 4 years you must propose to her or she will just leave .Since most people seem to get engaged- married after 4-5 years yet i find it hilarious the amount of seperated people in this country,so maybe we should be rethinking these rules.
I wish you well mate even though it sounds to be you are under some external pressure.

pookie82

Oryx wrote: »

Give her a ring box with an IOU in it and choose the ring together.

And talk to her about your fears, she is the one person who can really reassure you about them.

That's a really cute idea, the IOU. Personally if I ever get the old question popped to me I'd love to pick the ring myself. I think it'd be cool if a guy actually proposed with a really OTT tacky plastic ring that I could keep and laugh at. But each to their own. Don't think the ring is the biggest issue here by a long shot anyway.

MagicMarker

You are not ready to get married.

Kold

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

I have a friend that was given a really cheap ring in a box when proposed to and her boyfriend let her walk around New York wearing it all day before he told her they were going to Tiffany's to buy another one! it would be a great way to test if she loved you !

Yes. Because he should be testing her love at this stage.

STUBBORNGIRL

Kold wrote: »

Yes. Because he should be testing her love at this stage.

Well some women are all about the money and sorry i really could have phrased that so much better - What i was trying to get at is that IF she really loves him and not his money then i dont think the ring is going to be a big issue! There are other issues that need sorting!like if he wants to get married or not!

earlyevening

I did the job recently with a 24 euro stand-in ring from Argos. I then went to the States with her and saved a fortune on the ring she wanted. Why not try that?

davidoco

Piste wrote: »

Can you do all these things now? If so, unless your OH changes dramatically after you get married it's unlikely to change.

Also your wife isn't your mother, she can't tell you what car to buy or if you're spending too much time on yuor laptop.

I take it your single!

hunnybunny

Also I'm undecided about the ring, I want to buy he r a great one and I've got a good bit of money, but i dont want to buy one she isn't going to like! So should i buy her a small one for say 100 propose and then go pick the ring??

Absolutely LET HER CHOOSE! My (ex) fiance and my best friend chose a ring for me. I hated it. It just wasn t my style at all. Buy her a promise ring or leave an IOU in the box!
(Thats not why we broke up don t worry)

StormWarrior

I see a problem with not buying the ring first. She might think that you're just trying not to waste money in case she says no. And by the way, you don't sound like you really want to get married. Think carefully.

spinandscribble

Personally i'd want the ring box to have a note in it informing me of a trip coming up where the rings are cheaper, like New York or Europe. That way we get a nice romantic trip to choose it together
You don't really sound ready btw.

kizzyr

OP you don't sound ready to get married or in fact to have a serious relationship with someone if going on a weekend long bender, playing on your laptop and buying a particular car are the things that are concerning you.

I've been with my OH for 9 years now and have lived together for 5 of those. We go out together and we go out separately too. However, if either one of us stays out a lot later than we had initially intended to or stays in a friends house rather than coming home then we let each other know. This is not about asking for permission to stay out late but consideration for the fact that they would be worried about what may have happened if we just didn't come home.

You really shouldn't propose merely because you've been together for 5 years. Do you live together? If not you really should before you get married, I think its very important to learn how to live together, what compromises you both need to make to make living together work.
Re: the ring, I'd hate to have the ring picked out for me. Propose either without it or with a prop and then go and pick the real ring together.

Piste

davidoco wrote: »

I take it your single!

No I have a boyfriend and I wouldn't dream of telling him what to do! I'm not his mother, it's not my place.


Likewise he'd probably get laughed at if he told be I wasn't "allowed" to do something.

McGetty

Re: The ring, I've three sisters, two married, one engaged, and all of their boyfriends proposed without a ring of any sort and then they went and picked it out together, and all three were happy to do it that way. It sounds like the most hassle-free way of doing things, to be honest. Yes, she doesn't get the moment of seeing the box open with the ring inside, but I think any girl would gladly give that up in exchange for a lifetime of not having to look down and hate what she sees!

Oh, and with the recent engagement, instead of a ring, the guy produced two tickets to NY and announced he was whisking her away there for the week to pick out a ring. Had arranged the time off work with her boss in secret and everything. He'd also saved up money for her to have a bit of a shopping spree over there. So there's a tip for you if you don't want to waste money on a ring that won't be worn but want to have a great surprise for her when you propose!

b3t4

From my reading of things, I believe that you are in no way ready to get married.

How about the two of ye go travelling together for a bit?

A.

Swampy

Youluckybastard wrote: »

You can go out friday and come home sunday?

Man, im going out with my girlfriend only 2 years and i haven't been allowed do that in ages!

Going out friday night and coming home at 6am gets me a bollocking, let alone two days!

lol, i hear that!!

05D

Sorry OP but I don't think you are ready.


You should be excited not scared!!

dan_d

You wouldn't be human if you weren't scared.Grass is always greener elsewhere.(I've a few more cliches, but you get the picture!)
Look you're thinking you seriously want to do this then go for it.Even the fact that you are seriously considering it is a pretty good indication that you're ready. It's totally natural to be scared.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
It seems to me like you're really not ready to get married. It sounds like you're just thinking it's the "next step" and it's what you SHOULD do, not really what you WANT to do, because if you did want to, you wouldn't have to think twice about things like the time you spend on your laptop etc. I can understand the worries of how you will be able to spend your money, though. If you were to get married, you'd would need to be able to support the two of you, and save for things, like kids, doing up the house, (or buying one if you currently don't live together). Have you got a house together yet?? Because if you did, I couldn't see why things would change so much. Although, if she allows you to go on weekend benders, you're a lucky guy- I wouldn't be too happy if my OH did the same. I agree with what others have said here about things changing especially when a kid comes along- you definitely would have to adapt then. Your family comes first, no matter what. That doesn't mean you're confined to the house for 18 years though.
IMHO I think you're maybe better just leaving it for another year or so, see how you feel then, but obviously we don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, so it's not up to me or anyone else to tell you what to do :-) All the best with everything OP.

LegacyUser

Op, a few things.

First of all having doubts and worries is completely normal. My husband went through all that before we got engaged, and after we got engaged I had all the same worries! His thinking is that because guys mostly to the asking they have to deal with the reality of it before we do!

I really wouldn't worry so much. There's so much rubbish talk about marriage out there. You will never have the marriage that your parents or your friends have. You have the marriage that you both want to have. If my husband wants to go out for a night out I'm certainly not going to be checking what time he gets in at!! I have a life thank you!! Similarly not a problem if he goes away for a weekend on a stag or something. Mind you if he went out every weekend all weekend and drank like a fish then I would be worried!

Marriage does change things, because you become a team and you can't just think about yourself anymore - but there are a lot of good things about that.

Re. the ring, I think you should not buy, and you should go away together to get it. They are so overpriced here - we bought mine in a fairly posh shop in Galway and for the money we spent we could have had a weekend break in New York and a much bigger ring.

Best of luck!!

Kate.

baglady

why on earth are oyu thinking of proposing if u are so scared? Just because u get married it doesnt mean you cant still have fun with your mates etc. but you will have to consider the other persons feelings more and take them into account. Seems like you are obviously not ready for such a commitment.