Hi need some advice...

PeterFile

Hi iv been reading these forums for awihle and thought id start posting today...

Anyway they story is im a 19 yr old lad... i think im bisexual but all my friends would think im completely straight as iv never given any other impressions..

anywho for the last 2 or 3 years theres been this guy who was in my school who i feel some kinda intensity and connection with. its weird cos i dont really think about sexually as i wud, a few other lads even though he is hot in a unique kinda way.. im good friends with him and we get on fairly well but i often dont see him for weeks as he is not in college at the minute and he is kinda odd.

he texts me a good bit asking me am i goin out that night and id do the same more than i would with must other people and he would be far from one of my best friends.. the thing is iv no idea if he is bi str8 or gay! he seems completely straight when we are out like he would talk bout girls and try chat a few up but then again so would i and i have got with many girls with him there while as iv never really seen him actually with a girl however i often feel that im kinda the one who goes looking for him to talk too

but i duno there always feel to be some energy between us but maybe thats just me. i cant stop thinking bout him and its doing my head in. and by the way i cant just stop talking to him we both live at home in the same town with the same circle of friends and il be here for the next few years doing a long college course and so will he. oh also i dont plan on coming out or anythin for a while, i love my life as it is now i have no interest in the gay scene of where i am and i know if i did say anything everything would change. i know i will eventually but for the minute i like everything as it is so why change it!??

anyway just wana know if any of ye guys would have any advice or insights?!! and sorry this was so long. its nice to finally post on boards after reading so many peoples good advice here

anyway thanks :cool:

L1011

Do you know any of his close friends? You could fish around them or do a bit of good old fashioned (and somewhat freaky!) Bebo-stalking to see if theres any obvious hints that he might swing your way. Even though you'd move in the same circles his closer friends are more likely to know anything for sure.

As goes the scene - its a bit of a hellhole if you're not 'in' to it, which I'd guess a lot of bi lads wouldn't be. Wouldn't go near it much myself.... however, coming out doesn't necessarily change anything - if anything, my straight friends would be more open to me now as they just assumed I was some sort of frigid weirdo (in their eyes) as they'd never seen me with girls, etc.

Boston

Thats almost exactly the experience I had at 19. Both of us close friends, know each other years. When to school then college together. Connected on many levels and without the doubt we where both the one the others would rather talk to on a night out. Both of us very outwardly straight to such a degree it took ages for both of us to figure out me where hitting on each other. Never intended to come out or take part in the scene in any form. Hell we even 'pulled' a couple women at a bar together once before deciding we'ed rather make out with each other then them.

So I get where you're coming from. If he's this far into your head, and you say you can't ignore him, then I'd advise you start putting out feelers and see if he bites. He could be feeling the exact same way about you. It might be an idea to tentatively have a conversation about being 'bi curious' emphasis on the tentatively. I wouldn't be make statement about being definitely anything.

PeterFile

first of all thanks for the advice guys nice to hear of similar situations.

MYOB wrote: »

Do you know any of his close friends? You could fish around them or do a bit of good old fashioned (and somewhat freaky!) Bebo-stalking to see if theres any obvious hints that he might swing your way

well see he doesnt have bebo :eek: which i know is a bit odd in this day and age. and his close friends i wouldnt know that well at all and i duno if id even consider them really his close friends.

i might try making subtle hints but i dont wana be too obvious have to see him for next few years.
boston u said ye just decided ye would prefer to make out with each other? do u remember exactly how ye came to that conclusion? thanks again guys this boards is a friendly place after all

Boston

We'd already slept together by the time the night in question arrived, but we where both still every much of the "we're still just good friends" line of thought. We where out drinking and I got talking to some young girl at the bar who had some friends who where also just interested in a bit of random 'fun'. Its comes to the end of the night and himself, myself and our mutual friend all have young 'ladies' wanting to take us home.

I just took a step back and looked at the situation. I saw that I felt absolutely nothing towards this young girl bar a basic instinctive attraction. I had no desire to be intimate with her beyond having some 'fun' and neither did she want anything more from me. It was hallow and I realised It was so much less then what I felt for him, my heart raced when I looked at him and even just talking to him made me stupidly happy. Then I asked the question "what the fuk are you doing picking up randomers when you can have him, people spend their entire life's looking for this". At which point I walked out of the bar with him and proceeded to make out with him outside an extremely straight bar. It was both one of the smartest and stupidest things I've done. We went out for two years there after.

Just for a second pretend gender wasn't an issue, that no one cared who you where with. Would he be the one you choose to have a relationship with? And do you think he would choose you likewise? From your posts that answer seems to be yes in both cases, so in my mind you have to at least try.

david_the_great

PeterFile wrote: »

first of all thanks for the advice guys nice to hear of similar situations.




well see he doesnt have bebo :eek: which i know is a bit odd in this day and age. and his close friends i wouldnt know that well at all and i duno if id even consider them really his close friends.

i might try making subtle hints but i dont wana be too obvious have to see him for next few years.
boston u said ye just decided ye would prefer to make out with each other? do u remember exactly how ye came to that conclusion? thanks again guys this boards is a friendly place after all

ok its risky- but here is what i do when i am not sure- if you are sitting alone together- sit close to him nd fold your arms- make sure the hand folded next to him is touching his leg or something and then look for a reaction- that way you can easily say "i was only folding my arms you idiot" and wont be embaresed lol x

seahorse

david_the_great wrote: »

ok its risky- but here is what i do when i am not sure- if you are sitting alone together- sit close to him nd fold your arms- make sure the hand folded next to him is touching his leg or something and then look for a reaction- that way you can easily say "i was only folding my arms you idiot" and wont be embaresed lol x

Have to say I don’t agree with this advice at all. You could risk ruining your friendship at best and inviting a physical assault at worst. Gender and sexuality totally irrespective, it's never a good idea to put your hands on someone’s body uninvited and with not even a hint of a signal that they would appreciate it.

I would go along the lines of Boston's advice. If you really cannot get this guy out of your head and you think there's a possibility there may be something there, you should not let the chance pass you by; but proceed with caution, and as Boston said, tentatively.

Why don’t you go out and have a couple of drinks with him and just bring up the subject of bi-curiosity, not even from the perspective that that's where your head is at, but just to feel out his opinions on the matter? I think being discreet here is the best way to go, because if he's definitely not into it you'll have ruined a friendship and be left extremely hurt and embarrassed, so don’t get so caught up in anticipating his feelings that you forget to take care of your own.

PeterFile

again thanks guys for the advice

Just for a second pretend gender wasn't an issue, that no one cared who you where with. Would he be the one you choose to have a relationship with? And do you think he would choose you likewise? From your posts that answer seems to be yes in both cases, so in my mind you have to at least try.

ya i suppose at the minute he would be the person i would most like to be with.

i often feel like im kinda the one making a lot of effort to find him in clubs and stuff so not really sure at all if he is interested

Why don’t you go out and have a couple of drinks with him and just bring up the subject of bi-curiosity, not even from the perspective that that's where your head is at, but just to feel out his opinions on the matter? I think being discreet here is the best way to go, because if he's definitely not into it you'll have ruined a friendship and be left extremely hurt and embarrassed, so don’t get so caught up in anticipating his feelings that you forget to take care of your own.

ya seahorse i might do something along those lines. at the minute he is on holidays in santa ponsa with some of the lads. lots of drink sand sun and sex :eek:. and im gonig on a similar holiday to gran canaria in a few days so mightnt see him for a while.

seahorse

PeterFile wrote: »

at the minute he is on holidays in santa ponsa with some of the lads. lots of drink sand sun and sex :eek:. and im gonig on a similar holiday to gran canaria in a few days so mightnt see him for a while.

I'd imagine that's feeling like a pisser, but if I were you I'd turn not seeing him to my advantage: I'd tell him when I saw him that I'd met "some gay guy" on holiday and had a few drinks with him as he was a great laugh. I'd make out it was a platonic non-sexual encounter and watch his reactions to see how comfortable he'd be with that idea. If he was totally fine with it, then I'd take it a step further and comment that the bloke was very good looking and it got me wondering about bi-curiosity, then I'd be watching that reaction like a hawk!

I think you should kind of work up to figuring out where his head is at in stages like that rather than just blurting out something you may come to regret, as unfortunately it's not possible to put words back in our mouths! You have to remember that there are a lot of straight men out there who are in no way nasty-minded towards homosexuals but who would still feel seriously weirded out if they knew a male friend fancied them, so I think the main thing here is to find out whether it's possible the friendship could go further while safeguarding the friendship itself.

Boston

Sounds like you may be thinking this could be just a one sided thing peter. Its good to question yourself like that. You're not really going to know if it is or isn't mutual until you make some kind of approach. He's away now and you're going to go away as well for awhile, I'd suggest waiting until you get back before taken any type of action, at the earliest. You may meet some while away and decide that its was all just a crush you felt for him. If you do try to talk to him about how you feel I wouldn't start inventing elaborate stories about meeting people as a) Its a bad way to start thing b) He'll probably see straight through it and then the fact you made it a story may reveal more then you wanted him to know.

seahorse

Boston wrote: »

If you do try to talk to him about how you feel I wouldn't start inventing elaborate stories about meeting people as a) Its a bad way to start thing b) He'll probably see straight through it and then the fact you made it a story may reveal more then you wanted him to know.

Hmm, well I can kind of see the sense in what you're saying Boston; personally I'd almost always say honesty was the best policy, but dont you think in this case the alternative of talking to him directly about how he feels would risk their friendship?

Boston

Talk, but theres judge how much needs to be said, and how to say it.

PeterFile

Talk, but theres judge how much needs to be said, and how to say it.

ya id say i might do that. i get the feeling he knows that i duno feel something for him by the eye contact but cant be sure. i always try get him drunk but never works cos he is surprisingly tolerent of his drink and i just end up the really drunk one unable to remember much. :rolleyes: luckily the truth never slips out even if im extremely trolleyed .
tbh i like things they are now iv a great job social life and college course and im happy just being his friend for now dont wana jeoprodize that.. but maybe a few subtle hints..

Boston

Well good luck with whatever you decide to do.

jayo27

peter if your looking in, I would like to know if there is an update here. Did you do anything about your crush??

PeterFile

hi jayo27 thanks for expressing an interest in my situation il give a little update now sure .

well i was on holidays and got with a few random girls but just very drunken stuff nothing more and seems he did likewise on his holiday.
back in college now in cork, and he goes to the same college now this year so i see a lot more of him than i did last year. its good just going out with him and all my other friends and stuff. it can be annoying him in colllege cos i look for him in any big crowd on campus i see. but still i love college so its all good. dont think i can really cant do anything cos i know so many ppl in this town and if anything goes wrong...
plus iv no idea what he thinks of me or anything like that anyway.

sorry jayo27 nothing much really new, thaks for expressing an interest anyway. any sugestions would be appreciated!:pac: