I fear for my parents

LegacyUser

I know everyone's parents get old and pass away eventually but at the moment I have been gripped by an overwhelming feeling of sadness at the stage of life my Mom & Dad are passing into.
I am in my mid-thirties and my parents are both in their mid-seventies. Their health is good thankfully (my Dad slightly less so than my Mom).
I still live at home but am planning on moving out soon. I suppose some people might call me a Mummy's Boy but it's not really that, it's more that I feel it's my responsibility to look after them, as if they were to suddenly die I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for not doing more for them while they were alive.
I am worried about them dying, not so much from my own selfish point of view but more that I feel sympathy and sorrow that for them that they are getting to that stage of life.
I know that's life but I watched my father struggle to catch up with me on the street yesterday and I had to turn away so he wouldn't see the tears on my face (they are coming now as I type this).
He just seemed so old and helpless and the strain showed on his face. It tore me apart to see him like that and to realise that the active, energetic father I had is now gone, never to return.
I have never had a really close relationship with my father but I feel I owe him as maybe I wasn't as nice to him in the past as I should have been.
Silly talk I know, I should be grateful as both my parents are in good health for people their age.
I just can't help but feel down about it.

Marksie

You know my dad died last year and my mum is just under 80.
She is scurrying around at the moment having visited me.
She would be horrified if I took that attitude.
Really, if you want to make amends to your father then do so.
But it would upset them more to see you like this.
Any parent (well most) wants to see their offspring happy and to have you distressing over them would not be the best all around.
In the end, like it or not, its life and we all go through it.

but in the adage of monty python: "I am not dead yet" comes to mind.
So get over yourself and realiose that every day they are there is precious....for them as well as you

hallelujah

I've been having the same thoughts about my folks, watching them get old but as Marksie says, you can't be wasting your time thinking that way. It won't help you or your parents..

You have to get on with your life, as they do. Just make sure you appreciate the time you have left with them. And remember, you could be gone before them! Well, you know what I mean.

My 2c, anyroad.

[Jackass]

This is something I've thought about and it really bothers me too. I hate to think about it, but I would be incredably alone and lost without my parents, even though I'm in my mid 20's.

It's got to happen some day, I know I'll be absolutley devistated, but I suppose we just have to get on with things, the circle of life etc. but every time I think about it I get a lump in my throat and really dread it ever happening. (Touch wood and thank god they are both in good health at the moment.)

Before you move out, take them out for a dinner some night and tell them it's just because you really appreciate everything they've done for you and try and let them know how much you care.

LadyE

I had these thought about my grandad earlier in the year..for the previous two years I used to drop into him ever morning to give him his paper and have breakfast with him..was sooo lovely seeing him everyday. I must admit, felt like a chore at first, then I love it.

Then, I got a new job, which meant I culdnt call into him as often as I did. He loves talking about his life, the time he spent travelling with the army and his career, and one day it hit me, how vunerable he is now, compared to how active he was (less so in the past 5 years) and I felt incredibly sad for it.

So I can relate to how you ar feeling, but, its not going to change things for them..and my grandad and Im sure your parents wont appreciate that you think of them like that (my grandad would be gutted in fact)

Appreciate the time with them, spend proper quaility time, even takling, listening to stories, will do you the world of good. And they will love it.

Anything can happen, noone knows when they are going to die (but we do know its going to happen!) - you could go before them, so stop worrying

Hope you feel better soon

pookie82

Wilbur99 wrote: »

I know everyone's parents get old and pass away eventually but at the moment I have been gripped by an overwhelming feeling of sadness at the stage of life my Mom & Dad are passing into.
I am in my mid-thirties and my parents are both in their mid-seventies. Their health is good thankfully (my Dad slightly less so than my Mom).
I still live at home but am planning on moving out soon. I suppose some people might call me a Mummy's Boy but it's not really that, it's more that I feel it's my responsibility to look after them, as if they were to suddenly die I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for not doing more for them while they were alive.
I am worried about them dying, not so much from my own selfish point of view but more that I feel sympathy and sorrow that for them that they are getting to that stage of life.
I know that's life but I watched my father struggle to catch up with me on the street yesterday and I had to turn away so he wouldn't see the tears on my face (they are coming now as I type this).
He just seemed so old and helpless and the strain showed on his face. It tore me apart to see him like that and to realise that the active, energetic father I had is now gone, never to return.
I have never had a really close relationship with my father but I feel I owe him as maybe I wasn't as nice to him in the past as I should have been.
Silly talk I know, I should be grateful as both my parents are in good health for people their age.
I just can't help but feel down about it.

Hey OP. Your post has really rung a bell with me tbh. I'm not at your stage at all yet to be honest my parents are younger than yours, but I've been largely living away from home for the last few years and lately when I go home I do notice them getting older. My Dad isn't as agile as he used to be and because he used to do a lot of physical labour it's rather more noticeable than if he'd had an office job all his life. Sometimes when I'm at home I'll notice him nodding off in his armchair or even getting far more tired on long journeys etc and it hits me that the parents whom you believe as a child will always be there are getting on.

I think it effects people who are very close to their parents - I know I am to mine. I can completely understand how you feel when it hits you that they're becoming old and frail. You mention that you feel that maybe you haven't always been as good to your dad as you would have liked - well, without being blunt, he's not dead yet, so do all you can from now on to show and tell him how much you appreciate and love him. Don't leave it until he's dead to think back and wish you had done more, or wallow in guilt now when you have the option to change all that. In a way, you're almost lucky to have realised now that your parents won't be around forever and that you should appreciate them while they're still here and enjoy their last years. Many people don't realise until it's too late that they could have or should have done more or appraciated their parents while they were alive.

it's not silly that you feel you want to look after them as they looked after you. there's nothing wrong with that. I travel home as much as I can and people have often asked why i do it as it's a long journey, but I just tell them the truth - I love my parents and I know that someday they won't be there so i want to make the most of having them around while I can. A lot of peolple will tell you you're wasting your life or overreacting but I understand exactly where you're coming from. like Jackass, I absolutely live in dread of the day when I'll lose one or both (assuming I don't go first) and I really hope that it doesn't happen for a long time yet. I'm only in my 20s but I'd be truly lost without them.

Ultimately, while it's inevitable that you'll often be struck by the shock of life moving on and loved ones aging, you need to embrace the time that you have left with them. Don't have any regrets when the time comes for them to pass on.

LegacyUser

its like seeing some one elses vunerabilities raises the emotion of vunerability in you,i remember telling my therapist something similar,a story about crying while i was in my granddads bedroom while watching his shoes just sitting there,his little shoes just made me feel so sad and made me see him as vunerable person,i thought it was about him until my therapist said whats it like to feel vunerable,then i realised i was feeling it and it had nothing to do with my granddad who was up on the roof fixing the gutter at 86yrs old,as fit as a fiddle.

Its normal to feel upset for parents especially if they have had a tough life,but viewing them in a more stronger positive light will help you to see their strenghts in a better light,and that is a reflection of you as a person,if you had a son wold you want him to feel thast way about you?

LegacyUser

I know that I should try and do more to show my parents I appreciate them, I think they deep down I do, at least I hope they do. It just upsets me when I see them struggling to do things they could do easily before.
I don't want to go too far into it but I made a career decision that took away something special from my Dad, he doesn't mind and he's certainly not resentful of me because of it but at the same time I feel guilty.
Now I feel they have nothing to look forward to. I was a bit of a p***k in my twenties to them for a while so maybe that's part of it.
I look at my father and see a fragile old man, almost pathetic in a way. I don't think about myself and all I have to look forward to, in my (relative) youth. I couldn't care less about that.
It just doesn't seem fair that I should enjoy myself and forget about them.

fasty

Hey Wilbur, I get the same thing sometimes. I don't regret moving away from my folks but I still miss spending regular time with them. My dad is quite old now, although in pretty good shape but it doesn't stop me from worrying.

What I do now is bite my tongue when they do stuff that annoys me, and spend time with him at least once a week even if it means I have to sit through 2 hours of him shouting at the telly.

I don't think anyone care bare the thought of their parents getting old, but it happens and others cope. Don't dwell on it and make them proud.

Stevecw

I kinda have that feeling too even if its hopefully way before time.
Im 28, my Dad is 59 & mam only 55. But they are looking older & struggling a bit at things they wouldnt have before.
My Dad lost his mam last year & it hit him so so hard. And my mam lost her dad 3 years ago & she was ok as could be expected about it.
But this weekend is their 30th wedding anniversary & it kinda hit home they are getting on a bit. 30 years marriage is good going.
But id be the same, if i lost any of them even though now i live away it would kill me. We are a really close family.
My sis & bro still live at home & they are organising the party for the 30th. It should be a great night, but i dunno it just made me think even though they are still kinda youngish.
What would i do & how would i cope without them. Just makes me think & it usually ends up in sad thoughts.

baglady

I am forever feeling like this too! It can really get to me sometimes. Both my Grandma's passed suddenly, one was involved in an accident and it has made me all the more aware of how fragile life is. So even though I am kinda crying now, I just realise that, like everyone else says, it is important to appreciate the time you have here with your loved ones, no matter how old/young they are. I remember when I was a kid (im early 20's now) that I would say to myself, jeez I dont know how I would cope if mom or dad died, so I;ll see how they do when THEIR parents die and then I will know. And they are fine, but I think I am a lot closer to my parents than they were/are to theirs. Anyway, it;s good to know other people worry about this too. I think I am just a natural worrier!!

McGetty

Yeah, this rung a bell with me too. I'm really close to my parents - we were all looking through some really old family photos and it was really sad to see pictures of them back in the day, looking really young and full of life. It was especially weird to see my Dad with a head of black hair, and a few stone lighter than today :P

I think what worries me the most is how one of them will cope when the other dies. I mean, I'll be devastated, but I know I'll get over it, but I dunno what they'd do without each other. My dad at least has a lot of friends if he was left, but I'm not sure how my mam doesn't and I'm not sure how she'd be able to cope without him. Me and all the siblings have moved out so it's just the two of them there now.

pookie82

McGetty wrote: »

I think what worries me the most is how one of them will cope when the other dies. I mean, I'll be devastated, but I know I'll get over it, but I dunno what they'd do without each other. My dad at least has a lot of friends if he was left, but I'm not sure how my mam doesn't and I'm not sure how she'd be able to cope without him. Me and all the siblings have moved out so it's just the two of them there now.

Ya this crosses my mind a lot too - well, not every day or anything, but on and off!!! - and I don't know how they'd cope. My Mum would be absolutely devestated if she lost Dad, I don't think she'd ever recover, though I think she'd certainly be the quicker of the two to ask for/accept help and reach out to others.

My poor dad - dunno what he'd do if he lost Mum. I'd imagine he'd be a lot less forthcoming about how much it would effect him. I'd feel really compelled to move back home if one of my parents passed away. My brother has moved away with a child and I don't think I could bear the thought of either of them being left alone. Hopefully it won't happen for a long long time yet *touches wood*.

BraziliaNZ

I don't know why you're all worrying. You have to realise that they're their own people and they know what they're doing and they make their own decisions. They know they're older but they're the same people they always were, age is but a number. I'm 28 now my dad is 58 and mother 55 I think, and they don't seem in the least bit different or old to me. I don't know what kind of people you all know but I know people in their 70s that are still working and fit as fiddles. When I'm 60+ I'll do my damndest to look after myself and stay healthy, I certainly wont expect anyone else, whether I have kids or not, to look after me. So seriously get over yourselves, they looked after you and can look after themselves. Newsflash: You get old and you die, enjoy it while you can.

Gangsta

Op, you've got a warm heart. I hope your and everyone else's parents on this thread live as long and as healthy as possible. Brazilianz, it's ur duty to look after your parents when they're old and not as able anymore.

Go-Go-Gadget

Gangsta wrote: »

it's ur duty to look after your parents when they're old and not as able anymore.

I couldnt agree more, OP you love your parents very much and that is what you should remember when they eventually (hopefully not in the near future) pass on.

The best thing you can do is cheerish your time with them and try not to get stuck on the bad things that can happen and think about what IS happening.

MIN2511

I bet you are not the only one who feels this way, no one wants to lose someone they love... Pity we cant all live forever but life is about births and deaths...

At some stage you would come to terms with things, i don't think its a problem


I am from a culture where we never send our parents to nursing home especially after all they've done for us(Education, life). What you can do is either continue living with your folks and help them or bring someone to look after them.

Someway i think it's their right and they deserved to be taken care of, my nanny had carers in the house.. @ 90 she said "don't give me that walking stick, its for old people!"

LegacyUser

Hi op,what you are feeling is guilt and guilt is a waisted emotion,there are reasons and situations that happened in the past but your parents know you were young and they do not hold any of it against you,it may not be healthy to constantly associate guilt toward them......maybe they are making you feel guilty for some reason?

you havent done anything wrong,they have lived their life their way and they are glad of that,we all go at our own pace in life,you are just feeling sadened because you feel you should have helped them more but having a son in their life is the best gift they prob ever had,

i remember when my Granddad was dying of cancer and over that period of time he just wanted everything to be normal,he got great comfort out of the grandchildren just being normal around him,maybe your parents are the same they dont want things to change,they like things as they are,there is no reason to feel guilt when its obvious you care deeply for them,we give people other things which are of greater value then just money or that you give them your love it is enough xxx

marti101

Whaat a lovely thread,it really makes you thankful that there are people out there that really think of others and not themselves.My mother and father are both dead im only 35,so the best advice is spend quality time with them.Bring your dad out for a pint on a S unday im sure hed love it .

MonkeyWrench

I went through a period of feeling like this too and sometimes it does get me down a little. I think seeing the transition from your parents being middle aged to old age is just like any other loss and it is a bit of a grieving process.

The stages of loss being Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I've seen a sharp decline in my mothers health over the last couple of years and a gradual decline in my dads, both being around 70. Eventually you will come to the acceptance stage and will more than likely go through periods of depression but ultimately thats life and we all have to accept it at some stage. We will be that way too some day and I wouldn't like to see my offspring getting too down about it for lengthy periods either...

LoanShark

HI OP,
What your feeling is natural.. My dad died three years ago,I Miss him like mad every day.. But I have no Guilty feelings about not havng said what I felt about him because he always knew what I felt. For the the last 3-5 years of his life his health slowly deteriorated, I made a point of traveling home every other weekend and staying in on a friday or Saturday night and always rang home every day to just say 'hello'.

Make the most of the time you have with them now..Live for the now..

Someone suggested take your father out for a pint,That would give you some time together,What about taking him for a drive and eating chips in the car?..It doesn't have to be anything outrageous,Just an outing that you can have together..

AMK

I am in my forties and have had a similiar experience to yours over the past few years. My father is in his early seventies and my mother her late sixties.
I think our parents look the same to us for years and years. Obviously they are ageing all the time but I think most of us don't really see it, particularly in our twenties as we are so self absorbed and they are just there. I know I took my parents presence for granted, my father in particular and for years and years I just didn't see the changes in them. Then it hit me suddenly that they were getting old. You'd think it had happened overnight the way I reacted - I was so sad and couldn't stop crying. It's several years since this happened to me and I still have tears spring to my eyes when I think of the inevitable drawing closer all the time.
For a while, I felt very guilty over the distress and unhappiness my behaviour had caused them in my younger days but that has passed as I realised that they are thrilled those days are over and value my company in the here and now. So now I just concentrate on enjoying them. I think you should do the same. It doesn't matter that you weren't particularly close in the past - people often don't get close to their parents until they have really grown up themselves - and there's no reason a new adult closeness can't develop in the remaining years.

bug

Hi Wilbur99, I can completely identify with how you feel.

That feeling that makes your heart sink when you see your parents' frailty.

Each time I feel like that I think of the amazing things they had done at my age and the wonderful really full lives they have lived to this point.

I'm lucky in the sense that they are surprisingly agile at this stage in their late seventies and my dad is probably fitter than me, although his head isn't what it used to be and it makes me really sad.

I sometimes lay awake at night thinking about what life would be like without them. Worrying about the what if's and how and who will look after them if anything does happen to them. How will I cope?.. Much the same as they probably did when we were kids. It's total role reversal.

I worry about their dignity if they get sick, how will I reassure them?

But i'll cross that bridge eventually when I come to it I suppose. For the moment I'm just glad they're here and together. Try and concentrate on that it's fairly precious.

d22ontour

Wilbur99 wrote: »

I suppose some people might call me a Mummy's Boy but it's not really that, it's more that I feel it's my responsibility to look after them, as if they were to suddenly die I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for not doing more for them while they were alive.

That seems a very weak proposition.You have lived all your life at home with your parents and would feel guilty if you moved out before they died ? Why ? It seems morelike you are too insecure to have moved out and are harbouring some sort of guilt-trip as an excuse than rather move on to the next stage of your life.I would think you are single too.You are aware they will die but seem to think if they die whether you are there or not is somehow your responsibility ? Nobody knows when they will die but for someone over the age of 30 to feel responsible in some way for a natural thing is quite bizarre and immature too.Maybe you need to start living your own life and let everyone elses coincide with it just like in the real world.

DublinWriter

Hi Wilbur,

You should feel lucky that you've have the time with them that you have.

I looked after my Mum last year when she was dying of cancer. She was only 61 when she died.

I know it must be hard to watch parents age like that, and this may sound like an odd comment, but becoming aware of their imminent mortality can take a very small edge off the eventual grieving process.

sobriquet

I'd echo DublinWriters' response, I've been in a similar position. I looked after my mother up until she died of her cancer at a similar age. At her worst, Dad was in hospital for his own cancer, and now he's alone for the first time in his life, and he's all of a sudden an old man.

When Mam was first given a terminal diagnosis they said 24 hours. She survived nearly a full year after that. The first period of that time was harrowing, we (I) didn't know how to deal with it, but DublinWriter is right, I don't like that she suffererd so much but nevertheless all that time together was like a gentle mourning and coming to terms with mortality. When it finally happened it was much easier. That dawning realisation of mortality you're having is probably the same effect, a natural instinct that prepares you for the inevitable.

The thing is, we all cope and deal with things as they come. It was awful to think of Dad being on his own, but he's managing. We try to make sure he's got things to be doing, errands and the like. It's not pleasant, but you do deal with it, day to day. As time goes on, it feels more and more just like the natural state of things. For all of us, when it does finally happen, the loss and grief can't just be gotten out of the way, you've got to go through it. Same probably goes for the sense of mortality.

d22ontour - your post is completely, utterly wrongheaded. To feel responsibility toward those that raised you isn't immaturity, quite the contrary. Self-involved lack of concern is a sign of childhood, not adulthood.

SarahJ

I feel like this, and I'm only 23!! I think we have to face facts that everyone is going to leave this earth at some stage, and instead of being sad thinking about it, we need to spend time with our friend and family, and less time on trivial things like working and watching tv etc!

Petrolium Hat

Op, i hate to sound cruel and I can sympathise with you to a ceratin extent.


BUT....

You are in your mid-thirties and still living at home, you can convince yourself that you're staying there because you want to look after them but really did you feel that ten years ago? It must be something to do with feeling secure there and not wanting to go out into the big bad world. GET...OUT....NOW.....it is a more than abit odd.

dee8839

God its comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling the way you do OP. I'm only 20, my sister is 18, my mother is 59 and my father 65. I think the closer you are to your family the more you try not to think of their inevitible mortality. I would agree with Dublin Writer though - it may be good to be conscious of this fact, painful as it is, to in some small way brace yourself for the eventuality.

I have lived away from home for 4 years now and I don't get home often. When I do I love to just relax and get away from it all. But I do feel guilty that I don't go for a pint with my Dad, or help my Mum out more when she's stressed. They have always been very generous to me financially. While I do my best to try to be financially independent, they are always there if I need a hand, and will continue to be as I go down a difficult and costly career path in the next few years. My huge hope is to work hard, succeed and make them proud of me, and then to make sure that their retirement is full of happiness and great experiences. I pray every day that they remain happy and healthy and that I can one day repay them for all they have done for me. I hope to god they know how appreciative I am, and how proud I am to have such amazing people as parents.

The thought of losing my parents before I get a chance to thank them plagues me. But what I should be doing more of is not thinking about this but showing them how I feel in small ways, like going for a pint with Dad, a walk with Mum, clearing out all the unused crap from my old room (!!). I'm trying!

And OP, I think this is what you need to do too. Little things to show you care. But don't treat them like they're made of glass. Treat them like friends at this stage, show them the wonderful person they have helped you become, make them proud. Then at least you know they will be happy with what they have achieved in life. That's the best you can do.

Smile. Be happy.