'Friend' that I think I should let go of

Elphaba

Hi all,
I'm jut looking for opinions on the following. I'll keep it short. I'm 30 and have been friends with we'll call her Sarah since I was 11. Met in school, best mates, all that. Over the years we've kinda gone thru patches where we'd be stuck to each other, even lived together and then other times we'd drift apart.

She started seein this guy last year who treats her terribly. I was blue in the face trying to make her do what's best for her but she wouldnt listen. Then they broke up. I found out they'd got back together but she never told me. This is going back a few weeks and I'm hearing from a different friend of hers that she's always crying over him etc, yet when I text or call everything is fine and dandy. It's like she has a whole seperate persona for talkin to me and I know it's all fake.

I was angry but I'm not anymore. I was fed up but I'm not even that anymore. I've come to the conclusion that our friendship has run it's course and it seems like the only thing holding us together is the years. Was just wondering if anyone else has been in a situation where you've drifted apart from a long time friend?

molloyjh

Elphaba wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm jut looking for opinions on the following. I'll keep it short. I'm 30 and have been friends with we'll call her Sarah since I was 11. Met in school, best mates, all that. Over the years we've kinda gone thru patches where we'd be stuck to each other, even lived together and then other times we'd drift apart.

She started seein this guy last year who treats her terribly. I was blue in the face trying to make her do what's best for her but she wouldnt listen. Then they broke up. I found out they'd got back together but she never told me. This is going back a few weeks and I'm hearing from a different friend of hers that she's always crying over him etc, yet when I text or call everything is fine and dandy. It's like she has a whole seperate persona for talkin to me and I know it's all fake.

I was angry but I'm not anymore. I was fed up but I'm not even that anymore. I've come to the conclusion that our friendship has run it's course and it seems like the only thing holding us together is the years. Was just wondering if anyone else has been in a situation where you've drifted apart from a long time friend?

Never been in the situation myself but it sounds to me like this girl could use a friend. Maybe not now but further down the line. There's no talking to people about their relationships most of the time and I'm sure (with the best will in the world) she thought you were interefering in her life when it wasn't needed. This is why she never told you she got back with him and why she says everything is good now. She thinks you're judging her (and it sounds like you are) and she can't face that.

I understand why you got involved originally, but unfortunately people rarely take well to that kind of thing. You're best bet would be to talk to her about at least one last time. Tell her you're sorry for interfering and that you won't do it again, that her friendship is important to you and that if she needs you you're there. She needs to come to the realisation that this guy isn't worth it by herself and no amount of pushing from you will get her there. It will just aggrevate her. As difficult as it may be you're best to hold your tongue and see what happens.

STUBBORNGIRL

i have been in a situation like yours and it is always a guy that has come in the way. Regardless of how much you think that they guy is wrong for your friend you should just ignore it - i have lost a few friends through my own stubborness because friends have let me down to do things with their boyfriend! They are the ones that have to live with it and if they are happy then so be it! i can understand your frustration with her not telling you about their problems but she probably thinks that you hate him and she will be giving your more amunition to hate him even more.

People change through life aswell and circumstances change so i dont think that everyone is going to still have their best friend from years and years ago. You have been lucky so far....

My advice to you would be to still remain friends with her but keep her at arms length! you dont have to tell her everything going on in your life and ensure that you are getting out their making something of your life - be there for her if she needs you but dont go too far out of your way for her! If she hasnt done anything bad to you then there is no need to fall out with her! We have enough troubles in our lives without making more for ourselves!

I hope this helps - and good luck

garylarson

yeah, I've just been through a really long really slow friend break up, have known this girl since ages back, about twenty years, we were best buds and knew each other's personas and ideals inside out, about a year and a half ago or more she took agin me on a night out and things have never been the same, She lives away so I only see her the odd time but gone are the days of texting and hanging out, I've tried to get to the bottom of it but she just says there's no problem everything's fine etc, it's come to the point where I won't let myself in for anymore of the upset she caused and causes me by not being honest, we've both lost a great friendship but unfortunately it's tarnished now and I have other friends who treat me fantastically so my advice is to wish your friend well and get on with the people you know aren't afraid to be honest with you

Elphaba

Thanks for the reply. I forgot to mention there is another friend who has been far more upfront in telling her that your man is an ar$ehole and she still talks to this friend and tells her whats goin on. Also she hasn't been there for me for the past few months when I've had a couple of problems. I see where you're coming from when u say talk to her and she could use a friend. I'm just weary from trying to be that friend for so long.

My boyf has seen me get upset about it so many times and his opinion is that I should just forget about her. We havent had any contact for about 2 weeks now so I suppose I kinda am doin that anyway.

AARRRGH

It takes two willing participants for an abusive relationship to last. She wants to be with an abuser, so you won't be able to talk sense into her. The most you can do is continuously be there to offer support throughout the drama. This will become tiresome though.

I've drifted away from friends. I think it's natural. People change. Saying all that, lifelong friends are special, so if you think the friendship can be salvaged, I'd give it a shot.

Elphaba

Thanks everyone. I think I will just keep her at arms length. As someone said people do change so it makes sense that everyone wont get on with the same people for their whole life. I have a great other half and a couple of other really good girlfriends so I'm happy with that.

STUBBORNGIRL

Elphaba wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I forgot to mention there is another friend who has been far more upfront in telling her that your man is an ar$ehole and she still talks to this friend and tells her whats goin on. Also she hasn't been there for me for the past few months when I've had a couple of problems. I see where you're coming from when u say talk to her and she could use a friend. I'm just weary from trying to be that friend for so long.

My boyf has seen me get upset about it so many times and his opinion is that I should just forget about her. We havent had any contact for about 2 weeks now so I suppose I kinda am doin that anyway.

Well Friendship is a two way street and if she wasnt there for you then i dont see why you should be there for her. Nothing annoys me more than friends who keep secrets from you - why do they do that cause its obvious it is going to get back to you!

I cant tell you why your friend is telling one friend and not you - even you are not going to know the answer to that - you said it has been two weeks since you have been in contact with her, has she ever tried to contact you in these two weeks??

Friends should be there for you when you need them most and if she wasnt there for you when you had problems then she is not worth talking about! Is she a friend that only ever seems to contact you when she wants something - cause those friends are the friends we can do without!

My advice would be to leave it now until she contacts you and do not get in contact with her first! U dont need that stress in your life!

Elphaba

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Well Friendship is a two way street and if she wasnt there for you then i dont see why you should be there for her. Nothing annoys me more than friends who keep secrets from you - why do they do that cause its obvious it is going to get back to you!

I cant tell you why your friend is telling one friend and not you - even you are not going to know the answer to that - you said it has been two weeks since you have been in contact with her, has she ever tried to contact you in these two weeks??

No she hasn't contacted me and for a few weeks before that I always made the first contact. Re the telling secrets thing - Sometimes it feels like she does things without a concern for anyone else. Like as long as it's ok for her at the time she'll do it.

Re - It takes 2 for an abusive relationship - she knows it's wrong and she agreed with everything i said but said she couldn't help it - she loved him. Give me strength!!!! So as far as I'm concerned she's choosing to stay there, choosing to cry all the time and choosing not to be my mate anymore.

All your views are really helping me see things more clearly. Thanks guys

molloyjh

Elphaba wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I forgot to mention there is another friend who has been far more upfront in telling her that your man is an ar$ehole and she still talks to this friend and tells her whats goin on. Also she hasn't been there for me for the past few months when I've had a couple of problems. I see where you're coming from when u say talk to her and she could use a friend. I'm just weary from trying to be that friend for so long.

My boyf has seen me get upset about it so many times and his opinion is that I should just forget about her. We havent had any contact for about 2 weeks now so I suppose I kinda am doin that anyway.

Fair enough. All in all so my advice would be don't scupper the friendship, as there is likely no going back from that. But at the same time don't kill yourself trying to make it work. Let nature take its course and see what happens, and don't limit your options either way. You never know, in a few years the two of you could be looking back at this and laughing or you may have drifted apart, as many people do over time.

zuroph

i have friends who i WILL talk to about my relationships, and friends I WONT talk to. I just feel more comfortable talking to some of them than others. Dont take it personally, everyone is like that, TBH it sounds more needy from you that YOU want to be the rock to lean on, and if you're not, you dont want to be friends at all. Let her make her own mistakes, and be there to chat to if she wants to, but dont put pressure on her to talk to you about things, because thats only pushing her away.

Elphaba

zuroph wrote: »

i have friends who i WILL talk to about my relationships, and friends I WONT talk to. I just feel more comfortable talking to some of them than others. Dont take it personally, everyone is like that, TBH it sounds more needy from you that YOU want to be the rock to lean on, and if you're not, you dont want to be friends at all. Let her make her own mistakes, and be there to chat to if she wants to, but dont put pressure on her to talk to you about things, because thats only pushing her away.

I don't care whether I'm her rock or not. What I want is for my friend to not be fake around me. Is that needy? I've known this person for almost 20 years and spent god knows how long talking and analysing every bit of every other relationship we've ever had. Also I am not putting pressure on her to talk to me about him. She hasn't even told me they're back together.

zuroph

Elphaba wrote: »

I don't care whether I'm her rock or not. What I want is for my friend to not be fake around me. Is that needy? I've known this person for almost 20 years and spent god knows how long talking and analysing every bit of every other relationship we've ever had. Also I am not putting pressure on her to talk to me about him. She hasn't even told me they're back together.

The problem here for her is you've made your opinion of him well known. And she decided differently and doesnt want to discuss it further. thats not being fake, thats making her own mind up. Sure she's putting on a front to you, but that because if she doesnt, she ends up discussing it with you more, and thats what she doesnt want. Nobody likes to be told they were wrong or "i told you so".

Tell her you know shes back with him, and you guess she didnt tell you because she didnt want to discuss it. and tell her your her friend, and ur there for her for anything, and that he doesnt need to be the topic. shes a gorwn woman and needs to be let make her own mistakes, but to push her away for this would be unfair.

Elphaba

I'm certainly not pushing her away. I tried and tried and now because I've stopped making the first move we havent spoken in 2 weeks. And of course it's being fake when the other friend tells me she's been sitting in her house crying all day and when i text her she texts back like nothing is wrong. All I have tried to do is be a friend and help her. It's goin on so long now it's gotten pretty tiresome.

Sugar Drunk

I was Op and it was strikingly similar to your situation. a friend started going out with a guy who was no good. he was agressive and when they would go out drinking there was huge rows. she didnt want to hear it from me or any other friends. one minute she would say all was rosy, the next it was not. She went on to marry him and then got pregnant. She would insist all ok and then ring me all upset but nothing I said made any different. in the end I cut off contact as she only rang me when she was unhappy and had zero intention of dealing with the situation. I also realised that we had met via a friend and had v little interests in common so she only rang to talk about her and him.
I read afterwards in local paper that after another row he drove off drunk and she drove off after him (pregnant and drink driving charming!) both were caught and taken off the road. I hope she coppe don a bit after that but I am not convinced she did

How Strange

OP, you seem very angry at your friend for going back to this guy. That's understandable as you were the one she leaned on when she cried about how he treated her and listened to all her problems. You've most probably told her what you think of him.

So it's really no suprise that if she went back with this guy that she's all sheepish and doesn't want to discuss it with you. Why? Because she's most probably embarrassed because you know so much about what went on. So now she's saying nothing to you because she thinks you'll say 'I told you so'.

I've been there so many times with friends, I used to get angry and think wtf are you doing back with that guy after how he treated you etc etc and then I learned to detach myself from it all. Of course as a friend I'll listen and empathise but I don't contribute to the 'my bf is a b*stard' rant anymore. It just made it easier all round when they inevitably made up.

What you need to decide is are you angry at your friend for leaning on you over this fella and then getting back with him but not including you in her decision to do that and now excluding you from any discussions about their relationship OR have you really drifted so far apart that there isn't really a friendship left.

Those are two very different things. Don't go throwing away a friendship needlessly. It sounds to me like your friend is having one hell of a sh1t time and as a result is being quite selfish and is only preoccupied with herself.

Yes leave her to her own devices because as an adult that's what should happen but don't close the door on the friendship completely.

From what youv'e said it doesn't seem like she's done anything too bad to you but rather you invested alot of your time and energy getting her through this bad relationship and then she 'betrayed' you by getting back with him.

Elphaba

How Strange wrote: »

What you need to decide is are you angry at your friend for leaning on you over this fella and then getting back with him but not including you in her decision to do that and now excluding you from any discussions about their relationship OR have you really drifted so far apart that there isn't really a friendship left.

Those are two very different things. Don't go throwing away a friendship needlessly. It sounds to me like your friend is having one hell of a sh1t time and as a result is being quite selfish and is only preoccupied with herself.

Yes leave her to her own devices because as an adult that's what should happen but don't close the door on the friendship completely.

Thanks. That's exactly what I'm going to do. Even before this fella came along we were kinda drifting. It's defo not just about what happened between them.