Pros and Cons

LegacyUser

Hi, I have just drawn up a list of pros and cons . deciding on whether staying with my o ther half is a good idea or not......Please can you let me know whaqt you think?
Pros:
romantic, thoughtful, affectionate, funny, easy to be around, great cook, great family, involves me with family and friends, trustworthy, loyal, good hearted and caring.

Cons: very very bad temper that doesnt come out very often, stubborn, works too much, needs to slow down a bit, cant express feelings easily, never tells me i look good , selfish sometimes, in a argument he can hang up on me, will just not listen to my point of view to the point where i am beginning to fear sepakign what is on my mind in case there is an argument, seems to think that all i want to do is argue....couldnt be farther from the truth!

Im crazy about this person but beginning to worry that not being able to speak my mind for fear of an argument blowing up is going to make me change my personality and this should nto happen

Victor

Sounds like you could do with some couples counselling, anger management and assertiveness (I'm important, but so are you) training. There are people out there that can help with each.

axer

pier11 wrote: »

Im crazy about this person but beginning to worry that not being able to speak my mind for fear of an argument blowing up is going to make me change my personality and this should nto happen

Have you told him this?

taram

I think it all boils down to him not being able to express his emotions well, epesically when angry. Undertaking couple's counselling, and counselling in general to express himself and to learn to listen to you better could be the makings of ye. And if it still didn't work out, ye would have given it the best possible help and chance to work. His pros sound like he's a great guy, I'm sure it'll work out if you both try. Good luck.

MagicMarker

The pros you listed can be found in most (is that being generous?) men i would think.

johnsmith

How long have you been going out? Has he always had a bit of a temper or is a recent thing?

Sounds very like a guy that I know now that I come to think of it.

jellie

to me, if im listing reasons to stay or go it would mean its already over.
(thats just me though)

girl_friday

sar84 wrote: »

to me, if im listing reasons to stay or go it would mean its already over.
(thats just me though)

I agree. Its not a good sign!!

the glass woman

Well it seems to me that the 'cons' are things that can be worked on and easily changed, where as with the 'pros' you either have these positive traits or you don't, so he has a lot going for him in fairness. I think with a bit of hard work from both of you things will work out.

LegacyUser

Hi, thansk for your replies. We are together a short while but things were going so well. i have never seen the extent of his temper until last night. the way he spoke to me was so disrespectful. he had told me that he has a bad temper and that he never wants me to see that but i saw it last night. he got annoyed over something so trivial. he asked me what was up so i told him i would have liked it if he had come to pick me up to go meet his family ( a group of 15 people) he started going on then that he is not a mind reader and that all i want is an argument. this is what i mean when i say i am afraid to say things as I think it will turn into a row and i really dont want that. Anyway, he wont answer his phone to me today and hasnt replied to any of my messages. Im so sad that he could speak to me this way and then on top of all that ignore me too.....

pookie82

MagicMarker wrote: »

The pros you listed can be found in most (is that being generous?) men i would think.

How many men have you dated recently???;)

RedXIV

I had a feeling that this had all stemed from a recent row. OP while i would also say that lists indicate a bad sign, this appears to be you trying to decipher a situation logically as opposed to deciding with your emotions.
While commendable, going with your gut will usually give the right answer. If this is your first fight, and all the cons happened within this fight, then i'd take into account how long you were together before you had your fight.

LegacyUser

No its the 4th fight but i have genuinely learned from my mistakes and havent repeated any of them but he seems unwilling to change his attitude to arguments. he cant seem to realise that people do argue but that they can also be resolved very easily too, it doesnt have to drag out like this.

i know he had a bad time with an ex and they used to argue quite a lot and she would put him down in front of friends, family etc. i would never do that but yet i seem to be punished for what went on wioth him and someone else 4 years ago.

do you think he will get in touch? do you think maybe he is not contactinge for fear of saying something hell regret ( i know he has said this before that when he is angry he needs to be left alone to cool off) i dunno i just cant understand how someone can get so angry so easily. life is too short.

Miss Fluff

RedXIV wrote: »

I had a feeling that this had all stemed from a recent row. OP while i would also say that lists indicate a bad sign, this appears to be you trying to decipher a situation logically as opposed to deciding with your emotions.

Yes seems like a knee-jerk reaction to your first big argument OP.

molloyjh

To be honest the guy has a few bad points, but so do we all. I am stubborn and have a bad temper (which only shows the odd time really) etc. To be honest the only one that stood out to me as being particularly bad was that he never tells you that you look good. Am I the only one who noticed that? And if so does it say more about me than him?

Seriously though, don't worry about the fights. We all have them. No matter who you end up with long term you'll always have rows and there will be times when both of you will say things you regret later. Worry about the aftermath.

I think myself and my OH have a great relationship because after we fight we talk about what happened and deal with it. This is far more important. Don't let these things fester. Talk to him, and encourage him to do the same. How you deal with these blow-outs is (IMO) far more important than the blow-outs themselves, within reason anyway.

LegacyUser

and what if he doesnt contact me? thats the part i cannot handle.

LegacyUser

Sounds Like me omg!!!

Beruthiel

OP
If you are only going out a little while and he is already acting like this over something so trivial, then I'd personally walk away because down the line, when you are in deeper, he will be worse and you will find it difficult to see the woods for the trees.
So he told you he has a temper, is that it? You're supposed to just accept that and do nothing. If he knows he has a bad temper and is doing nothing to sort it out, then it's time for you to cut your losses.

molloyjh

pier11 wrote: »

and what if he doesnt contact me? thats the part i cannot handle.

Whats wrong with you initiating the contact? Don't be afraid to and don't over-analyse the situation. I know thats easier said than done (we all do it sometimes) but communication is the most important thing in a relationship. It may be hard for him to open up, but if he sees that you're willing to listen and not judge, then he'll learn to over time. There is never any magically instant cure to peoples faults and insecurities, but if you're committed you can work through these.

The sooner you get yourself (and him) into the habit of talking about rows relatively soon after they happen the easier all this will get.

LegacyUser

Hi Molloyjh, thats the thing I always try and diffuse it as soon as it starts but he is nto open to it. I have called him so many times last nigth and this morning. Im not sure if he has his phone with him or if he just doesnt want to talk to me. He spoke to me so disrecpectfully last night and I need him to apologise. I just cant stand this waiting around to see what the story is.I dont have a good feeling about this at all.

axer

Maybe you should watch this and he should watch this and all will be well.

SpookyDoll

Hiya OP,

Sorry to hear things are a bit sh1tty at present, I think this could be a red flag to be honest....

Some people use sulking, withdrawal and ignoring you as a punishment, its a manipulative way of them getting attention and sympathy if they can push the right buttons in you.

I had an ex like this, what he wants is for you to be suffering, gnashing your teeth and mulling it all over in your mind, desperately trying to realise "where you went wrong" ....dont bother, you did nothing wrong, he wildly over reacted by the sounds of it and now he is trying to distract attention away from his own wrong doing by freezing you out. :rolleyes:

When you wrote: No its the 4th fight but i have genuinely learned from my mistakes and havent repeated any of them

-I recognised my past self, at first I was like you and desperately tried to modify my behaviour to meet his approval, of course no sooner had I improved as required than he moved the goal posts and some new change would be required. You can imagine how it ended, I got a pain in me ar$e and he got shown the door.

A very handy tip for dealing with this type of behaviour is to totally ignore him back, he will be exceptionally put out that his little tactics are not working!!!

axer

SpookyDoll wrote: »

A very handy tip for dealing with this type of behaviour is to totally ignore him back, he will be exceptionally put out that his little tactics are not working!!!

I can't see the whole ignoring each thing working out so well.

Why can't people just talk about these things with their other half. If agreement cannot be made or commitment to mutually change then its not going to work.

Playing games will never solve anything long term.

SpookyDoll

Well unfortunately you need to fight fire with fire with these passive aggressive individuals.

He is looking for attention and he wants OP to crawl and beg back to him, why play into his hands....she hasnt done anything wrong.

Im suggesting OP do exactly nothing, he is the one who is out of order, if he doesn't initiate contact and at least apologise then there is very little future for the relationship anyway.

I know thats really sad OP but if he is as stubborn as you say and this is the shape of things to come you are better off finding out sooner rather than later anyway.

axer

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Well unfortunately you need to fight fire with fire with these passive aggressive individuals.

He is looking for attention and he wants OP to crawl and beg back to him, why play into his hands....she hasnt done anything wrong.

Im suggesting OP do exactly nothing, he is the one who is out of order, if he doesn't initiate contact and at least apologise then there is very little future for the relationship anyway.

I know thats really sad OP but if he is as stubborn as you say and this is the shape of things to come you are better off finding out sooner rather than later anyway.

Did you ever hear the saying "Two wrongs don't make a right"?

Imo it is immature relationshop when people involved ignore instead of talking about the problems - it can only spell disaster. Also fighting fire with fire will just end up with a lot more fire.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a row - it is after the row that counts i.e. can people see each other's side even if they are not in agreement with each other but agree to compromise.

I'll end with another proverb:
There are always two sides to every story

SpookyDoll

OP has tried to contact him, he is still ignoring her, I say stop contacting him now, he's had his chance -what is the point of casting your pearls before swine?

There comes a point where if one half of a couple refuses to engage in any reasonable dialogue there is nothing more that can be done.

Sometimes silence speaks volumes and is appropriate.

Hansel

The need for a list at all says everything. Time to end it.

snaggy40

i am in the exact same situation its scary how alike it sounds and trust me better off out of it. If you need to do a list its already over!!

molloyjh

pier11 wrote: »

Hi Molloyjh, thats the thing I always try and diffuse it as soon as it starts but he is nto open to it. I have called him so many times last nigth and this morning. Im not sure if he has his phone with him or if he just doesnt want to talk to me. He spoke to me so disrecpectfully last night and I need him to apologise. I just cant stand this waiting around to see what the story is.I dont have a good feeling about this at all.

Its very possible that it is over, but you also need to give things a bit of time before going over them again. A day or so generally does it for me. Trying to diffuse a situation at the time can often only aggrivate it (I know I can be a bit insufferable in that area at times). If you had a row last night you're better off leaving it until at least this evening before you call. Or better yet do it in person.

I don't know all the ins and outs of the situation, and maybe this is a case where you might be better to cut and run, but I reckon if you at least give it a go this time around you'll know where you stand. If he reacts badly to it then walk away for good, because if he can't apologise now he probably may never be able to. But if he apologises and you talk about it a bit and explain to him how hurt you were and it pans out then great. Regardless of the outcome you'll know you've tried, where-as if you walk away now you may well regret it. After all not knowing is the biggest killer!

NabyLadistheman

seems like your finding more cons than pros. Have to talk to him bout this

axer

SpookyDoll wrote: »

OP has tried to contact him, he is still ignoring her, I say stop contacting him now, he's had his chance -what is the point of casting your pearls before swine?

Just one thing though - this is since last night. Not even 24 hours. There is no need to keep contacting - if the op left a message or sent a text then he would have gotten it or will get it. If there is no word after a few days without a very good excuse then maybe it is over but it is not even 24 hours yet.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

There comes a point where if one half of a couple refuses to engage in any reasonable dialogue there is nothing more that can be done.

Reasonable dialogue is a two way street. If the other person cannot talk about things without exploding or at least acknowledging what happened and working towards changing then the relationship will always be stressful and most likely not worth it. I agree with that but ignoring the other person is still not the answer since it doesn't allow for change or discussion.

sam34

pier11 wrote: »

he had told me that he has a bad temper and that he never wants me to see that

thats pure rubbish on his part. telling you he has a bad temper but he doesnt want you to see it is trying to put all the balme and responsibility over to you - if you do x/y/z to set him off well then he can say "i warned you, its your fault" etc. its a threat hanging over you. he has to accept responsibility for his own behaviour and temper.

if i was you op, i'd walk away now and never ever look back

LegacyUser

update. i tried to contact again, i cant stand the waiting around. anyway, he finally answered his phone to me and was still angry. basically told me that its over, that even though what we have is brilliant, i f***ed it up. he said he is p'doff its over as we had something great. he just wouldnt reason with me at all, it was like talking to a wall again.

now i know some of you will think i am nuts but last night i put pen to paper and wrote him a letter to try and get my point across. i put it through his door this evening when i got home from work as i knew he wasnt home. he text me about 2 hours ago to say he got it and we would chat tomorrow.

he goes away thursday until tuesday and im half thinking to leave talking to him until next week...what do ye think? gives us both time to get our heads straight????

axer

pier11 wrote: »

update. i tried to contact again, i cant stand the waiting around. anyway, he finally answered his phone to me and was still angry. basically told me that its over, that even though what we have is brilliant, i f***ed it up. he said he is p'doff its over as we had something great. he just wouldnt reason with me at all, it was like talking to a wall again.

now i know some of you will think i am nuts but last night i put pen to paper and wrote him a letter to try and get my point across. i put it through his door this evening when i got home from work as i knew he wasnt home. he text me about 2 hours ago to say he got it and we would chat tomorrow.

he goes away thursday until tuesday and im half thinking to leave talking to him until next week...what do ye think? gives us both time to get our heads straight????

Forget about him. Someone that acts like that and blames you is just completely immature. You cannot reason with an idiot - it will just stress you out.

If you do want to talk to him then tell him that you cannot stand the way it is. If he doesnt want to work it out reasonably then it is better ye go your seperate ways.

SpookyDoll

axer -I agree!

Oh dear, I think this is beyond redemption, he is the one controlling everything, making you crawl when you havent even done anything wrong.

And not content with blaming and punishing you, he is now dismissing you with we will chat at a time dictated by him.

Im sorry Pier, he sounds so selfish and also unreasonable, I think you would find him more and more Jeckyl and Hyde if this is the way he is acting at such an early stage.

He is the one with the problem not you, I know its so tempting to keep trying and trying to get your point of view accross and "make him listen" to you, but he doesnt want to.

Its terrible for him to put you in this position of having to throw out the baby with the bathwater when apart from these outbursts on his behalf you were getting on well but I would strongly advise you to walk away from this guy, he seems to see even small arguments as monumental battles of will and it doesnt look like he has any interest in changing.

So sorry it seems to be turning out this way.

Aurora Borealis

Wow this thread has been an education. Been in OPs position and its horrible. Space is one thing but dictating if or when things are discussed at all is extremely controlling. You sound exactly like I used to. Letters, calls, brick walls. Maybe you're able for it OP and if you are then I'm sure his positive qualities will outweigh the bad. I wasn't and it drove me quite literally cracked. Different strokes etc but conflict resolution in a relationship is something you need to be able to agree on otherwise there's no point.

LegacyUser

Oh I know what you are saying, I just hate to give up on somethign that is so so good 95% of the time. Im so nervous about him calling me and not sure I want to speak to him right now as I dont think I could handle hearing more about how its me that messed up when I know 100% that I put my all into this and that yes, maybe i did say things in the past that may have started an argument because of insecurities but if he is not prepared to rationally listen to me and see that I dont want an argument, just a chance to get my point across then there really isnt much hope.
I just wish he was prepared to do something about his anger that still seems to simmer even 4 years after his last relationship but I cant get him to address that, he has to want to do it himself.

tbh

sounds to me like your life would be much simpler and happier if you just got rid.

Grawns

I agree, life is too short to waste on such crap. This guy sounds like a bully. Blaming his ex for his problems is daft. They are his problems.

LegacyUser

OK I am so hurt. After saying he would be in touch with me yesterday ( Tuesday) I never heard a thing from him. How can someones feelings change from this time last week telling me how happy he was to be with me and how lucky he is to now not getting in touch or just not caring?

Aurora Borealis

It hasn't been that long really so things may calm down. If it does continue and some people, guys especially I think, do react this way please just bear in mind that the question isn't why or how he can be like this, though I fully understand where you're coming from, the real quesion is whether you should be in this situation if it's causing you such distress because ultimately you are the one putting yourself there. Love or whatever attraction you have for this guy can be very powerful but you have to love yourself more and know your own thresholds.

LegacyUser

Hi. Well he called over last night and we had a good old heart to heart. he apologised for getting so angry and said he was more angry at himself for getting so wound up. he asked me to start talking to him more that he knows i am insecure but he cant help or support me if he doesnt know whats going on in my head. he said he cant handle it when things are going so brilliantly and then i start thinking too much and let things build up and lash out at him, he gets upset then as he thinks he has done something wrong but he says that all he does is love me and wants me to be happy.

He told me he feels so fortunate to have met me and have me in his life. Im so glad we had this chat and can see only good times ahead.

Aurora Borealis

That's cool OP. If you can both talk about things then you're doing well.
Glad things are better.

eveie

sounds very like an ex of mine......maybe it is
right how long are you going out with your oh? this very bad temper will never go away and will probably surface more frequently as time goes on, also you need to be able to speak your own mind whenever and however you like, if someone is stopping you from doing that well you need to take a good look at your situation.
i always like to look at it this way......
if this was a friend of yours would you put up with this behaviour? if not well then you know what you have to do
i know your oh has good points but i think their bad points outweigh them
best of luck

Aurora Borealis

eveie wrote: »

if this was a friend of yours would you put up with this behaviour? if not well then you know what you have to do

Wise words.

citeal

all a bit worrying OP... sounds like he's bullying you a bit with the hot & cold behaviour.

How old are you both? You mentioned he's smarting from a past relationship, how long is it since it ended? Is this your first serious-ish thing yourself?