Girlfriend broke up with me while abroad and I want her back

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost four years. In the past year things between us have gone down hill quite a bit, much of it was my fault, I haven't been giving her as much attention in terms of taking her out and treating her as I should have.

I am over in America with a few friends for the summer. Three or four weeks ago she rang to say that things were pretty bad between us, I agreed and by the end of the conversation we had broken up.

As a week went by I realized that I felt totally crap about the whole thing. I rang her and told that I didn't want to do this and I wanted her to wait until I got back so we could try and sort this out, she said no. I apologised for the last year and I told her that I want to man up and treat her properly. She was adamant that we had made the right decision.

I've tried getting over this but I simply can't, I have spent the last week trying to get her back but it is so difficult when I can't meet her face to face. It's at the point now where she wont answer my phone calls. The way I'm behaving is totally out of character for me but I'm convinced that she is the girl for me and I know that I would regret it so much if I didn't try my best to make her mine again.

I am totally and utterly in love with this girl despite the fact that I have not always treated her in the way that she deserves to be treated.

She has told me that there is somebody interested in her and they aren't going out but she wants to see how it goes. The obvious answer is to simply step aside and see what transpires but I find that so difficult, I feel like everyday that I leave this go she will drift further away from me.

I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with it. As much as I respect people who say that you have to leave it be, I feel like my head is so sozzled that I will probably ignore that advice. I want her back.

Miss Fluff

How serious are you? Sure it's not a case of wanting what you can't have? If you really seriously want her back then get on the first plane home. Simple.

Bob the Builder

Exactly, Fluff is right.

Call up some friends, find out if there's any chance of getting back together.

If thre is - first plane home, do something romantic, and show her you care. Otherwise, forget her.

Flex

Hey mate, Im in an extremely similar situation to you.

My advice, if you feel theres anyway to get her back, jump on the first plane home and do something romantic to let her know you love her and miss her. However, if she really is adament then you should leave her alone and not contact her. Make one last call or message or whatever, tell her youre sorry, etc, you think you guys can work it out and that the balls in her court now. After that you just have to have no contact with her.

Thats very hard to do, but by constantly calling her and trying to persuade her to take you back when she appears adament youre going to push her further away, and by having no contact with her you give her a chance to miss you. Thats all my opinion of course. Im in a near identical situation to you and have been before so I know how hurting this can be and youll get urges to do stupid things, but seriously, I believe 100% that talking to her 1 last time, in person or on the phone to set your opinion out clearly and then leaving it to her is the best thing to do. Maybe youll get back together, but if not then just move on. Get out there and keep busy, meet new girls

Best of luck to ya

MagicMarker

My advice?

**** her!!!! She has someone interested she says? After four years with you? He's welcome to her imo.

Why would you want to fight for someone who would disrespect you like that?

Fair enough if she wants to move on, but you don't tell a current partner after 4 years that someone else is showing an interest so you may as well just forget it. She's on the rebound, she'll most likely be dumped within a couple of months anyway by this other guy and come crawling back to you.

Forget about her and enjoy the rest of your summer in America with as many chicks as humanly possible. The only thing you'll regret if you carry on like this is letting it ruin one of the best summers and experiences of your life. DON'T LET IT!

castie

josephbloggs wrote: »

She has told me that there is somebody interested in her and they aren't going out but she wants to see how it goes.

Seems to me that she was fine to be with you and then when something else came along she wants out. Very Selfish attitude. Better off without her mate. Similar thing happened to a mate of mine 2 years ago.

LegacyUser

She didn't just come out and tell me that somebody else was interested, I asked her if there was somebody else.

About the flying home thing, I would find it very difficult to afford it. I'm on the west coast and it would cost me $1,000 just to fly home and over $1,500 if I was to fly back. I know that it must sound seriously unromantic to talk about money in this situation but I'm just out of college and my budget is already stretched (I'm on a vacation visa, so I'm not working while over here). Also I would only get to see her for a few days and I still run the risk of getting rejected outright. (I should have mentioned earlier that she is going to Asia on the 16th)

I just ordered her some flowers to be delivered to her on Monday, I left the message empty and I am going to ring her on Monday evening. After that I am going to try my damnedest to not contact her unless she wants to be contacted. I appreciate the advice, it probably sounds like a bit of a cop out that I am not willing to put it all on the line by flying home but I think the decision could ruin me if I was turned down and tear apart the plans that my friends and I had for this summer.

LegacyUser

castie wrote: »

Seems to me that she was fine to be with you and then when something else came along she wants out. Very Selfish attitude.

I'd love to say that things were fine with us beforehand but that would be disingenuous. We were having problems.

Gyalist

Um, you're in the US where women swoon at the sound of an Irish accent and yet you're worried about getting back with someone who no longer wants to be with you?

Wibbs

Have to agree with MagicMarker though I would probably put it in more measured tones.:D

It lasted four years. You're both young and four years is a good stint. The vast majority of relationships go south long before the four year mark and even the ones that go beyond it are all to often ticking along out of convenience. Sounds cynical? Maybe, but that's been my observation and I would be of a romantic bent.

Now as you say, it was going downhill, in the last year. That didn't come from nowhere. There was a reason. Boredom, end of the honeymoon phase, divergence in life goals, curiousity about others and the single life etc. Loads of reasons behind it. Why didn't it go downhill in the first three years? The oul hormones and love bit kept it ticking along.

Now it's over and after thinking about it you want to go back. The want what you can't have is a big part of it. Even bigger is wanting what you thought had, but can't. I would put good money that if you got back tomorrow, it'll fizzle out in 6 months or less. Maybe another part is a tinge of homesickness and loss of the familiar. That can be a big draw to going back. Usualy a bad plan. People can get back together successfully, sometimes very, but only if there have been changes in the time apart and usually the time apart is measured in years. That's been my experience anyhoo.

The flowers are fine. I would not hop on a plane even if you could. Grand romantic gestures usually only work in chick flicks.

Enjoy your summer and then see how you both feel.

Karen_*

Its probably daunting for you to face going home when things are not as you left them. New start OP!! You weren't happy in the relationship and if she's as tactless as to tell you there's another guy on the scene when you're thousands of miles away then leave her to it.

LegacyUser

Some excellent advice here, thanks! I went out tonight and had a great night and although she was always at the back of mind I talked to some girls and had good craic.

I think that I'm going to make sure that she knows exactly how I feel on Monday, if she rejects me then I'm going to make sure I have a wonderful time out here, if she wants to give it another try then I will be a very happy guy.

Win - Win... at least that's what I keep telling myself. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again, the differing advice here has really helped me come to my senses. I'll keep ye all updated.

Miss Fluff

josephbloggs wrote: »

Some excellent advice here, thanks! I went out tonight and had a great night and although she was always at the back of mind I talked to some girls and had good craic...............Thanks again, the differing advice here has really helped me come to my senses. I'll keep ye all updated.

LOLers. That's good mate, time to have fun and put it about a bit then:D

LegacyUser

OK, so she has received the flowers today. I ended up telling her how I felt in no uncertain terms yesterday.

She made it quite clear where she stands and without being nasty or anything like that she told me that it wasn't going to happen. I was pretty broken up after the call, that was yesterday, I had already ordered the flower at that stage. She left me four missed calls today after she received the flowers and sent a text message saying "K guess your busy u really shouldn't have sent them but thank u", there were no x's or o's (it's funny how much I notice the absence of them, it's the first thing that I check before even reading the message).

By the way on the 'other guy' front. I'm pretty sure but not certain that he is her ex of four years ago, I'm basing it purely on the fact that he has suddenly sped into her top 5 on bebo and he's appearing on lots of her photos (just night out with the group type photos and they aren't doing anything coupley that I can see). I'm a bit peeved at this, she always told me that she thought he was a waster and from what I hear he pretty much is.

Here's the thing, I really don't feel like returning those calls. From the sound of her text, it seems like she just wants to say a simple thank you and I don't really want to here anything from her unless it's "I love you and I want to give this another go". I get knots in my stomach for the rest of the day when I talk to her.

LegacyUser

A bit more of a background to her, I don't think this is all that relevant but it feels better when I write it all down.

She has been in a relationship with somebody pretty much all the time for the past 8'ish years (4 of them with me). This has always given me pause for thought because she has never really been free and single, even now I suspect that there is somebody else. I wouldn't say that she is a needy person but she definitely likes attention. I can't help thinking that she got lonely with me being away for so long and for that reason she got interested in somebody that she wouldn't normally be interested in.

In our four years together she has cheated on me once (at the 1 year stage), it was a kiss, nothing more (I haven't cheated on her).

Yabber, yabber, yabber, I'll stop.

LegacyUser

Ahhh! She asked me a couple of days ago to not contact her for the next month or two and just now I received a text from her saying "this is all so ****".

I don't know what she expects me to do! She can have absolutely no doubt where I stand and how I feel. I don't know what possible reason she could have to send that text.

craichoe

She has told me that there is somebody interested in her and they aren't going out but she wants to see how it goes. The obvious answer is to simply step aside and see what transpires but I find that so difficult, I feel like everyday that I leave this go she will drift further away from me.

Heres the crux of your problem right there. If there was no-one else you wouldn't have a "Is he better than me" feeling

Ahhh! She asked me a couple of days ago to not contact her for the next month or two and just now I received a text from her saying "this is all so ****".

I don't know what she expects me to do! She can have absolutely no doubt where I stand and how I feel. I don't know what possible reason she could have to send that text.

Don't bother contacting her at all, what are you, a dog ? Leave it, your only making it harder for yourself.

No person is better or worse than you, everone is different, ye just you grew apart and now its at a point where you can't fix it. Theres plenty of girls out there.

At this point your just messing with each others heads. The best thing to do would be to forget about it and enjoy yourself (stay away from getting into a relationship again, just wait for it to happen, don't look for it) . The long distance thing didn't work out, DEAL WITH IT and move on.

LegacyUser

craichoe wrote: »

The best thing to do would be to forget about it and enjoy yourself (stay away from getting into a relationship again, just wait for it to happen, don't look for it) . The long distance thing didn't work out, DEAL WITH IT and move on.

DEALING WITH IT is a whole lot harder than it sounds. I'm not going to text her back for the next couple of days. She's pretty busy anyway Muse concert etc.. I'll probably give her a ring before she heads to Asia if she doesn't contact me first though.

I feel like I always have to play these ****ty mind games when conversing with her, I hate it. I'm totally oblivious to her true feelings.

LegacyUser

craichoe's right, forget about her. She only wanted to contact you again because she felt guilty and wanted you to forgive her. The fact that you got back in touch with her was exactly what she was looking for......now thats shes got that forgiveness shes giving you the we might get in touch in a month or two line because she wants to hold you in backup in case things fail (i should know it happened to me).

Keep whatever self respect you have left, delete her number, her messages, emails and delete her as a friend in bebo. Basically let her know that you wont be sitting around waiting for her call nor is what she did ok. When you get rid of everything that reminds you of her , then you'll be able to head out, meet other girls and finally get over this girl.....it worked for me

thats my 2 cents.

MagicMarker

josephbloggs wrote: »

Ahhh! She asked me a couple of days ago to not contact her for the next month or two and just now I received a text from her saying "this is all so ****".

I don't know what she expects me to do! She can have absolutely no doubt where I stand and how I feel. I don't know what possible reason she could have to send that text.

DO NOT CONTACT HER!!!!

I'm sorry man, but she is a head wrecker plain and simple. If you fall for it then you will be made a fool of.

She wants to have her cake and eat it. You need to stand your ground and maintain your self respect.

You need to forget about this attention craving, selfish, thoughtless child!

If she cared for you AT ALL she wouldn't be doing this.

If i were you i'd be telling her in no uncertain terms that she's made her bed and she can now lie in it. You're off to shag a few American chicks.

dlofnep

Move on man. They more you squirm over her, the more you'll push her away. Women hate that. But more importantly, forget about her. If this fella is a pleb like you say he is, and they have already broken up before - chances are, it will happen again. She will be upset, and then come looking for you. But by then, you'll be well over her and tell her where to go.

Come back and post on here in a year from now and tell me if my prediction doesn't come true. I'm 100% sure it will.

LegacyUser

I didn't text her back although I came awfully close to texting her saying "Why are you telling me this?".

Had a bit of a revelation the other day, I was walking down the street to pick-up some lunch and I was smiling away to myself about something that one of the lads I'm staying with had said earlier. I looked up and there was a pretty girl walking towards me, she made eye contact with me and must have thought I was smiling at her. She smiled back at me and sort of blushed, as she was passing she said 'hi' I replied warmly and then kept walking. I didn't ask for her number or anything (nor did I really want to) but it made my day. Sounds kind of corny I'm sure but the knots in my stomach are gone and I feel so much better now.

I'm not going to text her but at the same time I wont delete her from bebo etc... I'm also still more than likely going to give her a ring before she heads off to Asia, I'm pretty sure that I can talk to her without making an arse out of myself again.

craichoe

josephbloggs wrote: »

I didn't text her back although I came awfully close to texting her saying "Why are you telling me this?".

Had a bit of a revelation the other day, I was walking down the street to pick-up some lunch and I was smiling away to myself about something that one of the lads I'm staying with had said earlier. I looked up and there was a pretty girl walking towards me, she made eye contact with me and must have thought I was smiling at her. She smiled back at me and sort of blushed, as she was passing she said 'hi' I replied warmly and then kept walking. I didn't ask for her number or anything (nor did I really want to) but it made my day. Sounds kind of corny I'm sure but the knots in my stomach are gone and I feel so much better now.

I'm not going to text her but at the same time I wont delete her from bebo etc... I'm also still more than likely going to give her a ring before she heads off to Asia, I'm pretty sure that I can talk to her without making an arse out of myself again.

A. Your not over her.
B. You want her back.
C. Your far away from home.
D. She can say what she likes on the phone and hang up leaving you to think about it.

Cut her out of your life for a couple of months, she's still going to be around then ? Why put yourself through this half life agony of trawling bebo and getting Jealousy pangs because she might be with someone else.

Seriously man, what if you see pictures on her Bebo page of her kissing someone else etc... would it drive you mad ? Now do you honestly think you can still be friends with her at the moment ?

I know its hard to "GET OVER IT" but we've all been there.

LegacyUser

Ok, a bit of an update on the situation, I know this is probably getting very tedious for everyone but I'm finding it very difficult to get over this, it should be getting easier but it's not. I think part of the problem is that she's the only girl that I've ever been in a relationship with and whenever I thought about the future it would involve her.

So, I had been getting on pretty well with the no contact thing, I was still doing the social network spying thing... "She was online x hours ago so that means that she probably didn't go out tonight", pretty sad stuff but I wasn't contacting her.

So she's in Thailand now and that's mostly been fine, it helps knowing that the other guy isn't there with her. But... I got a phone call from her the other day, she was obviously pretty drunk and telling me that I know her so well and all that kind of stuff, we engaged in some mild flirting and then I told her that I don't want her to waste all her credit on me so we left it at that.

Then I got some text messages from her, I wouldn't say they were especially raunchy or anything but they involved her enjoying her "Magic Fingers" (her words not mine). I felt pretty good after this to be honest, it felt like there really was a bit of hope for us, okay she was drunk but it means she still thinks about me, right?

Then the next day (or two) during my daily round of bebo-spying I saw that she had changed her picture to a picture of her and this guy. She had uploaded photos of Asia and some of the pictures had captions like "How do you put up with me x", where x is the other guy.

Mind****, right? I'm better off without her if she's going to treat me like that. This whole thing has brought back that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've semi-composed emails telling her how **** it is to do that but I decided not to send them. Do you know why I decided not to send them? It wasn't because I thought she wasn't worth it or even because it I didn't want the hassle. It's because I know if I do then it will make it more difficult to get back with her. I know how messed up that last sentence sounds but that's how I feel. I still harbor a real hope for the two of us and despite all of this I think I would probably take her back if I had the chance.

I'm back in Ireland as of yesterday and it kills me that I can't give her a ring or meet up with her for a coffee.

At this point you're thinking "Jesus man, get over it" and you're right, I would be thinking the same thing, it doesn't change how I feel though. I know how desperate and incorrigible I sound.

I'm going to go down the route of no contact again for as long as I can.

LegacyUser

You've really got to try and move on and forget her.
You'll cry a lot, you'll feel like crap for weeks, you'll keep remembering the 'good' times and then gradually you'll start to get your self respect back and you'll feel very very angry at what shes done and that is the start of your recovery.
My advice is get yourself another phone. That way she can't ever get hold of you again, and for good measure make sure you damage the old sim card so u cant try and use it again.
It is the most toughest decision to make but you really have to go no contact and be doing it for yourself.
Picture yourself in 6 months time with a load of cash, new clothes, a new look and girls falling at your feet.
She is messing with your head, she enjoys the power.
Do you really deserve someone that horrible?
If you have a real good look at the relationship you'll soon be able look back over things and see how shes stopped u doing things, caused arguments and messed with your head all along.

My GF dumped me two weeks ago after 6 years together, when we met she was 16 and I was 25, And the reason she wants out is that 'she never had time to have fun'
In reality from 16-22 she has been the most boring person I have known, she never wanted to go out, get drunk, have a laugh and enjoy herself, it was always me trying to get her to loosen up - then after 6 years she has the neck to say that i'm stopping her having fun!!! We lived together for 3 years so I've lost my flat on her say so and now I have to move back in with my parents.

Good luck to you - it gets worse, but it ALWAYS gets better.

LegacyUser

how are you doing now josephbloggs ?

I hope you'nt send those emails they will come off as desperate, needy, controlling and angry with lines such as i cant live without you, why did you do this to me etc. Thats a complete turn off and will confirm to her and her friends that she made the right decision to break up with you...the only good thing is it might help you get over her.

If you want her back there is a slight chance this might work....i mean its a long shot. It did work for me but might not work for you. Basically if you want a chance to get back together get over her. It may sound counter-intuitive but next time she contacts you say your getting over her and you want a couple of months without contact to do it. Even if she doesnt want you back it will force her to realise what she will miss. Then cut off contact and work on forgetting her. Once she sees you as fun independent happy guy were once were again she might even want to get back together, but i imagine by then youll have a new girlfriend and wont care about her anymore.