Ex's good luck upsets me.

LegacyUser

When I was 20 I began dating a man I had been friends with for 4 years. He was always nice to me so I thought he was a nice bloke. I was so wrong. When I got to know him better I realised I had made a big mistake. The worst thing he ever did was violently anally rape me. He also hit me frequently.

He did lots of other horribly petty little things, and I will describe a few to explain what he is like. For example, he knew that I had throat cancer when I was younger (through no fault of my own, I have never been a smoker.) Because of this, I hate people smoking near me and smoking is banned in my house. (we did not live together.) For my 21st birthday party I had arranged a night out at a club. He wanted to stay the night at my house afterwards, and demanded that he be allowed to smoke in my bedroom. I said no, and suggested that he go back to his own house afterwards if he can't spend a night without a cigarette (his house was just down the road from mine and so perfectly convenient) but he refused. He said either he stays at mine and smokes in my room or he would do everything in his power to ruin my birthday party. Another time he was at football practice and due to come to my house afterwards. I was in the shower and so left the front door unlocked so he could let himself in. When I got into my bedroom, there were him and his friend, smoking in my room. My boyfriend had the smuggest look on his face and was clearly revelling in my discomfort. Other times he would make me take drugs when I didn't want to (by way of threats), physically restrain me in a terrifying manner if I ever tried to leave or wouldn't do what he told me (tackling me to the ground and sitting on top of me, holding me down so that I couldn't breathe). If ever I disobeyed him he would become furious, start yelling and trash my bedroom. These are just a few examples, but needless to say I hate him. He physically raped me by force the one time but threatened me into giving him sex when I didn't want to countless times. I dumped him 2 years ago (would've been sooner if I'd had the guts) and had to move away and have counselling because of all this. I don't think I'll ever be over it.

I have been getting on with my life though, and my life has been improving since I dumped him. However, today a friend drew my attention to something online. All my ex has ever cared about is his band. All he wants in life is to be a rockstar. Since he has very little talent, I always took comfort from the knowledge that this would never happen. But what my friend showed me online was many pages devoted to my ex, whose band has been signed. Their first album is due for release in 2 weeks. They have a video out. His dreams are coming true.

I feel so upset about this! He is a horrible, horrible person (I know for a fact that he physically assaulted another ex girlfriend, hit her dad and raped her in the shower, he has admitted all of this with pride.) Why is he getting his heart's desire? He doesn't deserve it! I will never ever report him for the rape because I am a very private person and could not face all of that. Also I don't want him to have the satisfaction of thinking I still care. I just can't stand the thought of him being happy, he has caused me so much damage that I'll never get over!

GusherING

You have been through a terrible experience and my heart goes out to you. Your last paragraph is the one I wish to comment on the most. You clearly do care about what he's up to and obviously, you're still not over the violence and rapes he diminished you with. I know its hard and that it takes a lot of courage, but the only way you'll ever stop him from getting away with it, and from hurting other people in the future is if you go to the guards and go through the whole rigmarole of getting him arrested and convicted.

I know that's a monumental challenge, but think about it.

MagicMarker

I'm sorry for what has happened to you...

But, if you do not report him, then he will continue to rape innocent girls, and you will partially be responsible.

Maybe it's a ****ed up reason, but if you want his luck to end, go to the police.

RedXIV

I don't believe in much in this world but i do believe in Karma. Nobody lives like that without eventually getting what they are due.

But as MagicMarker said, if you want his luck to end, report him to the police. you have a responsibility to do so, you can stop the abuse he's going to inflict on others

Miss Fluff

RedXIV wrote: »

I don't believe in much in this world but i do believe in Karma. Nobody lives like that without eventually getting what they are due.

+1. Big time, am a firm believer in it myself and his actions will properly come back to bite him on the ass ten-fold one hopes. What a savage.

Not proactive advice on my part unfortunately!

How did you find the councelling? Do you still attend sessions? It may be an idea to go back and discuss how you are feeling right now. I can understand why (albeit a good course of action) you don't want to make a fuss and go to Court about it etc., but maybe thrashing it out again may be of some benefit to you and hopefully give you the strength to feel at peace with what has happened. And it's really important to avoid any pages online relating to him. HE IS NO LONGER PART OF YOUR LIFE THANK GOODNESS so do your best to avoid any information on what the b8stard is up to these days.

biko

You should report him, not because you wish him harm but because he raped you and that other girl.
Guys like that will not change unless something major interferes.

thebaldsoprano

Really sorry to hear about this...

You can take some comfort in the fact that he will get what's coming to him though, people don't get away with this indefinitely.

I can well understand not wanting to go through all this in court, and you shouldn't have to either but the guy will just keep on going.

If he's openly bragging about raping women, a family member or close friend might like to know. Perhaps someone then might "explain" a few things to him and stop him in his tracks...

Karen_*

OP its probably worse to have your dream in your grasp and it all go pearshaped then to never get near it at all. I reckon this will be whats happened. He'd not going to be the next Bono that's for sure.

I'm really sorry for what you went through and so glad you've come through it and are away from him. You don't mind what he's doing. He definately will get whats coming to him. Perhaps he might even be famous for more than he thinks!

uberwolf

report him for the assaults and rapes. Every individual incidence you can think of.

Try to persuade his other ex and the father to report him as well.

Convicted rapists struggle to get the support of their new label

what's more, you need to protect others.

Wibbs

Karen_* wrote: »

OP its probably worse to have your dream in your grasp and it all go pearshaped then to never get near it at all. I reckon this will be whats happened. He'd not going to be the next Bono that's for sure.

Pretty much. So they've been signed with a first album on the way. Happens a lot. So what? Here's what will likely happen. At best. First album goes down well. The record company(if it's a big one of course) will push them a little to see if they can claw back their investment. A few spots off main stage in little known festivals, small interviews in magazines and small TV stations. Maybe even a plug on the late late. Woohoo! Now lets imagine the album sells. The record company will take all of it and they'll get expenses. Then the second album. There's the rub. Unless they are the new whomever, it'll be less than the first. They've had all their lives to come up with the first. The second they have to cobble together under pressure. It doesn't sell so well. Record company writes it and them off against tax and bye bye band. From what I remember even U2 didn't start getting money in until after their 3rd album and they had talent, a bloody good manager and the ability to improve. So put that out of your mind.

Now the real problem is his sexual violence against women. This is the issue. Now as you say you don't want to report him and tbh at this stage it would be hard enough to make it stick. Regardless of how good his life appears to be now, sooner or later someone will take him to task over this as it's unlikely he only did this with you. It will bite him in the arse. Put money on that. You may never hear of it but it will.

You have moved on a lot through counseling and force of will. Take that next step and move completely forward for you. Leave him to life and what life will throw at him. You have your own life to lead.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. There is no way I will report him. I can't. I am being serious when I say I would rather die than have my friends and family find out about all of this, not to mention the whole world. If what I have told you (and there is more) ever came to light, I would kill myself. I cannot stand the thought of people knowing this about me. Not only that, but the man in question would not be averse to revenge attacks, and he has a gang of horrible friends who would probably gladly help him in that. Also, he takes great effort to cultivate a "nice guy" facade. Whenever he had just attacked me, if we were then due to visit my parents, he would always say, "Time for me to put on my Mr Nice Guy act," and then start acting like a perfect gentleman. Also, many women are not believed when they report rapes. I would really sooner die than report it. The suggestion about getting more counselling was right though, this has made me see that I do need more.

You know what the worst thing for me about this whole episode is? Before I got with him, I was a 20 year old virgin saving myself for my future husband. I really believed in all that. He went to alot of effort to convince me that he was that bloke. After I lost my virginity to him, I soon realised what a big mistake it was. After I dumped him, I felt that sex was totally worthless and slept around with 3 random men. Now all my hopes for the future are shattered, no decent man would ever want me and I will never be able to trust another man again anyway. I have given up all of those hopes and resign myself to a lonely future. And there is the cause of all this, living out every guy's dream and getting everything he wants. I really think they are going to make it big, they were nominated for best new band at a recent awards ceremony.

Wagon

angryannoyed wrote: »

Now all my hopes for the future are shattered, no decent man would ever want me and I will never be able to trust another man again anyway. I have given up all of those hopes and resign myself to a lonely future. And there is the cause of all this, living out every guy's dream and getting everything he wants. I really think they are going to make it big, they were nominated for best new band at a recent awards ceremony.

A record company rarely helps a band. A record company normally helps themselves, and if this is a major label they are GUARANTEED to be ripped off from the start. So rest assured, they're pretty much ****ed from that respect.

I can understand where your coming from when you don't want to report the attacks and I know you just want to keep quiet and not have any hostile attention. Cut any extended ties you have with him (which you probably don't) and give it a few years. If they are going to be as "successful" as you say they will, we'll all have a great laugh at his downfall in the papers.

There's nice blokes out there who aren't going to judge you based on how many men you've slept with, your past or anything like that. You'll find one eventually. I believe in Karma too, not just your ex's bad karma but your good karma also.

Wibbs

angryannoyed wrote: »

Now all my hopes for the future are shattered,

Only if you let them be. Seriously and if you do, it won't be him to blame. Yes he will have caused you pain but that muppet is gone from your life so let him go, for your sake and the sake of the man who will never get to love and be loved by you if you don't.

no decent man would ever want me

No offence but that's crap. He's only one man out of billions in this world. There are better out there. In fact compared to that idiot, just throw a stone in a crowd and you'll hit one.

and I will never be able to trust another man again anyway.

It'll take time but it will happen.

I have given up all of those hopes and resign myself to a lonely future.

Then if you do that, then that's what will happen I'm afraid. We all write our own script in this life, time to write the one for you and the person you can be. You may feel locked in a cell ofthe past now, but you have the key. That's the thing. People get trapped in stuff everyday, yet 9 times out of ten the key is sitting in their hands. use it and lock the door of the past and this twat behind you.

I really think they are going to make it big, they were nominated for best new band at a recent awards ceremony.

Actually that's usually the kiss of death. The list of next big things that one best new band and are complete unknowns now is very very long. Especially in this country. Actually I can't think of one band who won best new band that went anywhere, other than back to their bedsits in rathmines.

Storm_rages

First off can i say none of this is anything to be embarrassed about. What he did to you was wrong and not your fault at all.

It must be horrible to watch him look like he is getting on so well. But i promise you it will all come back to him. Beside i believe in order to be happy you need to be a well rounded person. Well rounded people to not rape other people. I know how simple that sounds but i think its true.

I have no worries that you ex will indeed have a horrible life but it would be you i would worry for. Talk to people, it will help. I'm not even talking about reporting him (which is an amazing thing to do but only when you are ready). And try and find something that will help you cope with what has happened to you.

You will meet someone but you need to look after yourself first

hugs

Bottle_of_Smoke

Why is he getting his heart's desire? He doesn't deserve it!

Because a record company think his band could potentially make them some money.

I see you also mentioned "it wasn't my fault I got cancer" as if a smoker somehow deserves cancer.

There's no such thing as "what goes around comes around". Karma actually refers to what will happen to you in the next life as a result of this one but I don't believe in that either.

I think the problem is you still have so much anger about what happened with the rape & abuse he subjected you to. You need to find a way of dealing with that, I can't imagine the anger you must feel. Unfortunately I can only think of reporting him but I can completely understand you not doing that.

What does your counseller suggest you do?

And there is the cause of all this, living out every guy's dream and getting everything he wants. I really think they are going to make it big, they were nominated for best new band at a recent awards ceremony.

Seriously you have to just force yourself to just disregard him completely. If you continue to base your happiness on what happens to him you could end up doing something that lands you in a hefty prison sentence, and what would your friends & family think then?

Wibbs wrote:

Then if you do that, then that's what will happen I'm afraid. We all write our own script in this life, time to write the one for you and the person you can be. You may feel locked in a cell ofthe past now, but you have the key.

Op, I know its hard to accept & you feel like you need revenge/sympathy but the above is really good advice that you have to take on.

Magicmarker wrote:

I'm sorry for what has happened to you...

But, if you do not report him, then he will continue to rape innocent girls, and you will partially be responsible

What the f*ck? easy knowing you've never been raped or known someone who has been. Try looking at it from her point of view before you start spouting from the moral highground. Are you partly responsible for dead Iraqi children because you won't stop using oil?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. The main problem out of all of this is that I now feel so dirty, like a used, filthy peice of trash. It's not just what he did to me, but me sleeping with those 3 other guys afterwards. I just couldn't stand the thought of him being the only person I had slept with, because he was so proud of that fact. But now I feel dirtier than ever. A catholic girl in my class at college told me that I've lost something I'll never get back, and no decent man will ever want me. I feel she's right because there are always threads on here in which men comment that they would never seriously date a woman who has had one night stands or slept with that many people because she's a tramp. I had counselling for months but I guess it hasn't really helped. My counsellor didn't really suggest I do anything, she just listened and talked stuff through with me. I thought it was helping at the time, but I'm still in this place. So I'm stuck here and there he is getting his dream come true. I'm not going to take revenge on him, I'm not going to report him or do anything that would get me in trouble. But I do hope to see his downfall one day. I know you guys say that this will only affect me if I let it, but I have tried so hard already to get past this (even visiting religious centres, even going to confession although it had been years since I set foot inside a church.)

Magpie!

oh God. You poor thing. I was in a mildly abusive (nothing like what you've been through though) relationship at the same age and can only begin to imagine what you have been through.

First of all: it was not your fault in any way and if people are uncomfortable being around you or with you because of that well that's their problem. Yes there are some men who won't want to be with you but look at it this way - it sort the men from the boys.

Secondly: You will learn to trust. It will take a lot of work and time but you MUST persevere. if you let this dominate the rest of your life and your relationships then you are letting him win. In time you will find happiness and love again. He will never ever have a happy fulfilling loving equal relationship.

Lastly: I would strongly encourage you to make a statement to the gardai about him. You needn't press charges or persue it any further but at least it will be on record and if/when he does this to someone else it will be there to back up any complaint they make.

Bottle_of_Smoke

You shouldn't feel dirty, if you tell a guy you were in an abusive relationship and then slept with 3 guys the vast majority wouldn't have a problem. Had it been 10 guys perhaps would be more difficult.

As for the Catholic in your class, of course she's gonna say that, helps her feel good about being holier than thou.

LegacyUser

I know everyone syays that this wasn't my fault, but I stayed wth him! The rape occurred about 6 months into the relationship, I stayed with him for 18 months after that! Partially because I was scared to dump him, but also because after losing my virginity to him (he was the only man I had ever done anything with besides kissing) I didn't want it to be a waste.

MagicMarker

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

What the f*ck? easy knowing you've never been raped or known someone who has been. Try looking at it from her point of view before you start spouting from the moral highground. Are you partly responsible for dead Iraqi children because you won't stop using oil?

If i was raped you'd be damn sure i wouldn't let them get away with it. And if i ignored it and let them continue to rape others then i'm sorry to say, but i WOULD be partially responsible. Because i could have done something to stop it.

Sorry if that's hard for you to understand, but it's the truth.

I feel nothing but empathy for the OP and i can fully understand why she does not want to do anything and that's her prerogative.

OP, you need to understand that you have nothing to be ashamed about, if this did come out your family and friends would not think any less of you, they would be there for you to support you. 

taidghbaby

jesus h christ OP you seem to have met one of the most evil, vile pieces of filth on our little island!

yes there are many people like this BUT remember there are far more decent human beings around!

i can fully understand why you think it is gonna be very hard to trust again, but you have to try your best! my advice would be to take baby-steps, and work your trust back up at your own speed!!

the last thing i'll say is this: if you cannot get your life back on track then this fella will have won.....i dunno about you but i wouldnt need any more motivation than that!

hunnybunny

But now I feel dirtier than ever. A catholic girl in my class at college told me that I've lost something I'll never get back, and no decent man will ever want me. I feel she's right because there are always threads on here in which men comment that they would never seriously date a woman who has had one night stands or slept with that many people because she's a tramp.

Listen luvy, the majority of decent men don t think like that. We are not Saudi Arabia, and virginity is not as prized here in Ireland as it once was. We have become more realistic.. You loved someone and you gave your virginity to him. It turned out to be a mistake and we all make them.

That girl is just spiteful and not your friend! I d avoid her company if she just wants to put you down and act all holier than thou!
4 guys doesn t make you a tramp, Im younger than you and I have had double that figure, So what? Its in the past. A decent man will know that we all have a past, and he will just look towards the future.
He s out there, believe me!