How can I stop feeling this way?

LegacyUser

Ok so to cut a long story short i was with a guy i loved really deeply for .5 years - we were a good match, though i had my own issues and he had his - we kinda got stuck fighting over the same things again and again, we'd break up, try again and it turned in to a really unhappy situation. I came clean about my issues (bulimia) and he was really sympathetic, wanted to help, but not get back together - I just wanted to get back with him so much i let him stay around as my friend but realised it was just hurting more and more. I am "ok" right now - my eating is good, i'm in control and as much as i still adore him and want to be with him he still seems to be really against the idea of us getting back together so i'm not going to push it.

The thing is, i really want to move on and get over him and i really need him to co-operate, we have some financial things to work out as we were running a small company together but we are both too busy with our own lives to keep doing that so we're both happy to tie up all those ends.

I have made a huge effort to distance myself from him. I have noticed that if we have a row or a disagreement i find it really hard to not try to fix it so I have just decided to not contact him by phone or text unless i need too (and i haven't needed to yet)...when he calls i am happy and friendly and when he texts i am nice but i don't prolong the conversation.

The thing is, since i started pulling back - with the full intention of moving on - he has responded by contacting me constantly, texting, emailing etc. It's really not helping me but because we broke up 8 months ago, and i know he doesn't want to get back together, I don't want to tell him i can't be his friend because i will feel really humiliated...I just want to move on, but maintain my dignity - i can't bare the thought of falling out with him, i love him so so much but i feel so trapped in this friend thing....If I tell him now - 8 months on i can't handle a friendship- i'll just feel so vunerable and i don't want to give him the opportunity to reject me again...

It just sucks, i'm crazy about him, i realise it's over and i want to move on, i know i do. I'm stuck in this place where it hurts so much - every time i see a happy couple i well up in tears. It's not right

LegacyUser

I meant to say we were together for 2.5 years

AARRRGH

Your current system isn't working. You need to cut all contact.

Sort out your financial situation and then end your relationship/friendship until you're emotionally ready (may never happen...) to restart communication.

Good luck.

elle

Cutting all ties is really your best option!! I know it seems drastic and might be hard but I think long term you will be glad you did. I think he knows you are still really into him and is keeping in touch so that he can jump back in there when it suits him! For the sake of your dignity and your sanity I think it's best to get out and leave yourself free to find someone who is right for you because you won't move on as long as your emotions are tied to him! Hope it works out .

Karen_*

OP its less humiliating to tell him now that you can't be friends than to be dumped for the second time down the line. When he has someone else or another friend. He is demoting you from girlfriend to friend and you have far too much self respect to accept that.


This isn't about what he wants, he's got what he wants. Tell him that he wanted it finished so finished it is and that you are understandably upset and would go back to him against your better judgement and you won't stop feeling that way as friends. Him expecting you to carry on with a charade thats hurting you, for his benefit, is selfish and showing very little regard for you.

You have issues you need to resolve and growing and changing to do. You need to be free to address them and you know in your heart OP that you can't do that with the stress of this friendship and thats all it will bring is extra stress. You'll get your hopes up, then have them crushed again and it will happen many times over. You'll try to change yourself into what you think he wants you to be and he'll keep changing the goal posts. He'll probably expect you to sleep with him too.

I don't get why people need to be friends all the time. I just find it a bit sick the way someone can shatter someone else and then want to be friends with their broken victim. What an awful cheek really. I'm guessing he'd like friends with benefits OP and I could be wrong but if I'm right then how insulting is that? You're not good enough to be my girlfriend anymore but get up them stairs! OP you're not humiliating yourself by telling him how it is and cutting the contact, you're showing self respect and putting yourself first.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much Karen, your post makes so much sense...He's not really a "friend with benefits" I've always been quite against that though it has happened a few times and no doubt if I was more up for it he would be too.

Our company stuff should be resolved in the next few weeks. I'm going to do exactly what you suggested. He made a decision and he should face up to it, it's what he wanted...I could waste another 8 months feeling like this.

Thanks so much

L
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