My Poem

TLA

I have never posted before or let anyone see my poems so i am gonna take a risk and share one here. any feedback would be welcome.

LOST

Why cant i feel all the pain,
Be the hurt that brought the shame,
Why cant i tell you how i feel,
I try and try yet still i cannot cry,

Where are my emotions? Their lost at sea,
Buried at the bottom from you and me,
Under the weight of the sea as it swells,
This life i once cherished it wants to yell,

My mind it races around around,
Taughts so elusive keep me from the ground,
The picture is wrong its one i cant trace,
I am no longer a part of this human race,

Locked in a world with no sight and no sound,
I cant hear or breath my heart wears a frown,
My body it aches from the life i once led,
Can i? Will i? take a jump from the ledge.

Matt Holck

is this about spend time online as opposed to outside

Deliverance

TLA wrote: »

I have never posted before or let anyone see my poems so i am gonna take a risk and share one here. any feedback would be welcome.

LOST

Why cant i feel all the pain,
Be the hurt that brought the shame,
Why cant i tell you how i feel,
I try and try yet still i cannot cry,

Where are my emotions? Their lost at sea,
Buried at the bottom from you and me,
Under the weight of the sea as it swells,
This life i once cherished it wants to yell,

My mind it races around around,
Taughts so elusive keep me from the ground,
The picture is wrong its one i cant trace,
I am no longer a part of this human race,

Locked in a world with no sight and no sound,
I cant hear or breath my heart wears a frown,
My body it aches from the life i once led,
Can i? Will i? take a jump from the ledge.

I'd say that the feeling is there, but you don't express it enough. Try re-writing it without concentrating on the sentences so much. The words do not flow, they stutter with mis-confidence. The feeling is there but the words do not convey it enough.

elleA

TLA wrote: »

LOST

Why can't i feel all the pain?
Be the hurt that brought the shame,
Why can't i tell you how i feel?
I try and try yet still i cannot cry,

Where are my emotions? Their They're lost at sea,
Buried at the bottom from you and me,
Under the weight of the sea as it swells,
This life i once cherished, it wants to yell,

My mind - it races, around around...
Taughts Thoughts so elusive keep me from the ground,
The picture is wrong it's one i can't trace,
I am no longer a part of this human race,

Locked in a world with no sight and no sound,
I can't hear or breath, my heart wears a frown,
My body - it aches, from the life i once led,
Can i? Will i? Take a jump from the ledge?

I think this poem has lots of potential. There are a few spelling mistakes in it which I have corrected above. The punctuation is a bit off. I changed it slightly but you could improve it more by re-writing a few of the lines. Some of the lines are excellent ("Locked in a world with no sight and no sound") but then cliche lines like "my heart wears a frown" really let it down. I see what you were doing with the rhyme but I think if you put a little more thought into it you could come up with something better and more fitting. Congratulations for being brave enough to post your poem. I hope you keep writing.

P.S I didn't correct your use of 'i' instead of 'I' as I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not (?).

TLA

Thank you for the feedback, I will look at the poem again and thank you for correcting the spelling mistakes.

I wrote this poem last year and just put down on paper how i felt at the time. It took all of five minutes to write but a life-times worth to feel.