How to break up?

00011000

I've been going out with this girl for 3 years 6 months.

We've broken up before, for 44 days, half-way through our relationship. I don't know why we got back together.

I really like her, but don't see a future for us. It's unfair for her for us to stay together but she keeps on wanting to hang on.

A weakness of mine is having a huge difficulty in breaking up as well, because I really don't want to hurt her.

I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

Stargal

Listen, there's no nice 'n' easy way to do this. You say you're afraid to hurt her but the fact is that all break-ups hurt [Well, for the dumpee anyway. Maybe not always for the dumper!]. The best thing you can do is be a man. Be as respectful towards her as you can when breaking up and make it as - well, not exactly easy, but straightforward I guess is the word I'm going for.

Obv don't do it by phone or email or anything like that. Set a time and stick to it for when you're going to tell her. Don't do it in a public place. Have a couple of lines in your head to explain exactly why you're breaking up. Be calm. Don't let it turn into a fight or recriminations about why things have gone the way that they have. Be prepared for her [or you] to start crying and have the ball and self-respect to not let that change your mind. Bear in mind the reasons why you're breaking up.

Good luck with it. It's not easy but it's also a huge relief to get it done with and move on with your life.

00011000

that's exactly how i feel. i feel like i can't move on with my life. either can she. I'm her first boyfriend. (she's post-teen)

basically, i've already broken up with her, but she keeps calling and texting me and telling me it's because of this or that... sigh...

see, I really care about her and want her to be loved in the right way and for her to be happy, but I can't give her that because i'm not completely happy in myself and in the relationship. (how i feel about myself might be strongly linked to me being in this relationship)

I also get the feeling of "what if I'm making a big mistake?"

One last thing. Is it imperative to break all contact with the person you're breaking up with?

I'm asking because she is really is like my only good friend.

00011000

aw man, i answered my own question I think. I can't have my cake and eat it too.

It really has to be swift... it's just getting long and drawn out, giving her the chance to make me feel bad about it and accept her back.

Do many people try to hang on to a relationship even though there is one unwilling party?

JDLK

Your post starts off as a simple "How do I break up?" question but becomes a bit more complex with the added details and new questions seem to be emerging.

Could you give a bit more detailed account of your situation/relationship?

coco85

I think we need more details on why you are breaking up with her- not to be nosey or anything but just so we can offer the best advice possible.

I know its difficult breaking up with your best friend but from a praticle point of view you need to try and limit the time you spend together after you break up with her. She will need to get her head around the fact that the relationship is over and seeing you regularly will only mess with her head.

As for the actual breakup-
1)As a previous poster mentioned, decide on a time when you are going to tell her and stick to it.
2)Give her a few short, clear reasons for the breakup.
3)Do not get drawn into long discussions as to why the relationship has broken down
4) Do not tell her that ye 'might' have a chance of getting back together in the future (even if you think ye might)- this will only instill hope in her and she needs to move on from the relationship.
5)Try and not contact her for a few weeks.That way she will understand that it is really over
6)If you do want to still be friends with her arrange to meet with her-only after a few weeks- and ye can have a good catch up..
7) Meeting every few weeks will keep the friendship alive. Once you only keep it to every few weeks and the odd text she will realise that it is just friendship you are after...

Thats about all the advice i can give on a breakup that will help maintain a friendship.. as i said we need more details in order to give more specific advice!

Best of luck with it:)

BrokenArrows

have a look at that breakup thread in AH.

but on a serious note you will just have to explain to her how you feel about the relationship and that you want it to be over.

no point in messing around the fact.

LolaLuv

00011000 wrote: »

Do many people try to hang on to a relationship even though there is one unwilling party?

Yeah, that's common, especially since you were together so long and you were her first boyfriend. You have to be firm, though. I was in a relationship just as long as yours with an older guy when I was between the ages of 18-22. He wasn't as into me as I was into him, and wasted a lot of my time. Be firm about it, make a clean break, that's what's best for her.

00011000

I want to break up with her because I don't see a long-term future for us. Namely, marriage.

I was born in Ireland, but have a different ethnical background, she's Irish. I feel that maybe I should marry someone from my own ethnical background.

Sometimes I think that my feelings towards this issue will change, and maybe I'm just being immature and it's just some silly fancy, but then other times I feel that way of thinking is too deeply ingrained in me to ever marry an Irish girl. (not that there is anything wrong with Irish girls at all!)

Another issue is that I don't really like her family. I get on well enough with them, but I don't really like them.

I know that, considering these things, it's really unfair for me to stay with her, but for the past while, I've been hoping I could change and now I pretty much realise that it's not going to change. As much as I love her, I can never be comfortable with her.

Frelance

strange everything you mention as a reason for breaking up with her is something your girlfriend cant control.

what is it about her that is prompting you to break up?

00011000

yeah, you're right, she can't control any of it. She's actually really nice. I just can't relax around her though. A lot of things annoy me.

I also just don't feel like she is "the one".

Maybe i have commitment issues?