Life, Meaning and All That

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a single male in my mid 20s and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do in life. I feel very lonely and empty. I go to work, come home and watch TV. I don't have any interests...maybe TV, a bit of reading, and the odd film in the cinema. Life seems like such a waste so far. I don't have friends. Those in work have children and stuff and planning marriages and stuff, even though I did go out the few times that there has been a social night on....but I had little to say on those occassions and just drank for something to do. I find it difficult to maintain conversations with people I don't know, and I am very shy and introverted.

Bit of background...

My father died when I was 7 or so, and my sister developed a mental illness (though we didn't know what it was at the time). As a result, I grew up very shy and introverted (though the introversion is probably natural...even as a small child), and I was bullied a bit in school. It was a rural area and I didn't have money to do sports and things, so what friends I did have, I just saw in school.

After that, I went to study a college course and got a lift in with a neighbour each day. I spent a good deal of the 3 years timing things so that I'd end up in the class just before the lecturer arrived so that I wouldn't have to talk to anybody. Literally. That is how bloody shy and embarrassed I was. I did manage to get to know some people in my class, but never did anything socially with them. Was way too nervous and uncomfortable.

I have improved alot since then, but still find conversation difficult with people, and outside of work, I don't really speak to anyone. I don't really know how to do simple things like make friends.

I've done sports, through work, and go to associated socials the rare time, but even then, it's an ordeal. I ask people questions about themselves, but I think they can feel the tension off of me. Outside of work and sport, I don't see these people.

Is this what most people experience? Or do you have friends that call into your house and you to theirs? You see, that whole experience is alien to me.

I guess, what I feel right now is loneliness. Watching TV after work isn't enough, working late isn't enough...I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to fill up the day. It all just seems like a waste. Getting a college qualification to do something that fills up my day....it all seems so pointless.

Alot of the time, I just wish I wasn't here.

(Sorry for the rambling post. I'm not sure what I'm asking)

Flamed Diving

Why don't you look for group activities in your area. I did Salsa dancing classes once and I found them to be a great laugh. You get to meet lots of people (girls!) and you get to learn a new skill.

00011000

You really need to get some activities.

I don't know what you do at work, but if it's like an office job where you don't get a lot of physical exercise, that may be a problem of yours. It can lead to depression.

A significant issue that you mention is your introverted-ness.

You really have to ask yourself why you are introverted. Is it because you are afraid of what people think of you? or is it because you just don't have the interest in other people to maintain a conversation.

If your introverted-ness is something that you would like to change, you have to decide what kind of person you want to be. Are you a person that wants to be popular, or would you be happy with one or two good friends?

I don't think it would be the former for you, not in the beginning anyway.

You mention you had no money when you were young, but you have money now if you work. Use some of it to improve yourself. Go to one-on-one swimming lessons if you don't know how swim for instance. Go to a yoga class where there is no pressure to talk to other people.

Man, you just sound like you're in a rut. The only way you're going to break out of that is if you make some changes. Improve yourself and your skills. That's my only advice. After that, everything will fall into place. When you're happy with yourself, others will react differently towards you.

I hope I don't sound to preachy. I've been in your position a few times in my life, but I just break out of it by making changes. Stop thinking about how bad my life is and just went out and did something. Anything.

I was lucky though, because I'm not very introverted. You gotta just knock it outta yourself one way or another man. Good Luck.

00011000

just re-read your post.

sorry if my previous reply was a bit all-over-the-place and didn't help.

JDLK

Your post is fairly lucid and your circumstances seem normal. What I mean is that there doesnt appear to be any conscious negative behaviour pattern on your part other than maybe a perception or unfounded belief that other people have more interesting daily lives due to higher social activity. While it is true that having an active social life can make a person "happier", it is not correct to correlate the lack of an active social life as the root cause of your unhappinees as this may be a symptom. What I mean is the problems you have in socialising may stem from other issues (you mentioned some childhood trauma's for a start), and therefore treating the symptom will be pointless.

Shyness can be an indicator of social phobia and like any phobia it is actually blown out of all proportion in the sufferers mind, but to the sufferer is still an all consuming problem. You may not be at "phobia" stage but it might be woth checking this link: http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html

LegacyUser

Hi Op,i felt the same a few years ago and now i feel great.

Basically your normal,you do have activities and passions your just judging yourself too hard,society puts these comforming ways to live in our minds and all you have to do is accept who you are and feel better inside to attract more to you,

have you heard of 'the secret',its really good and speaks about the law of attraction,you basically get clear about what you want,new friends new partner etc and start to act like you have it and you can put up images of what you want where you see it everyday and you just watch it come to you... i did it with my relationship with the Bf i made a list of things i needed in the relationship... security,trust,love,understanding etc-get a specific as you can and then you are putting that out there which within a few months will be your new reality.

some people might find the concept mad but i tried it for so many things and it worked,it really changed how i was thinking about things.

Sorry to point out the negativity you are putting out there but if you believe you are lonely and focus on it thats exactly what you will have.

Mr Benevolent

A simple solution to feeling sad and lonely - get a pet. Seriously. If you don't feel like you need people you don't have to talk to them. Pets are great, whatever you go for.

thebaldsoprano

What is the purpose of life? is the wrong question. The correct one is what can I do to give my life purpose?

Generally I can't stand these kind of quotes, but I must admit I like this one.

OP I think you know at least part of the answer to your own question - throw the TV in the bin. Even a big TV should fit in two bin liners once dismantled and cost no more than a fiver to dispose of.

The only way you're going to find any meaning or purpose is to get out there and look for it. Start trying lots of new things. It'll probably be a bit daunting at first, but it'll become a lot easier as you go along. You're not the only shy person out there by a long shot, but the only real way to get comfortable with talking to people is, well, to talk to them!

As already mentioned, there'd be a lot worse places to start your adventure than a room full of girls wanting to dance with you!

AARRRGH

Most people go through life not having a clue what they're doing. By most, I mean 99.99999999% of people. They just do what everyone else does: work, save, buy a home, get married, have children, retire, die. They'll inject a few holidays and parties in here and there, but basically they follow the same plan everyone else follows.

The reality is no one has a ****ing clue what we're supposed to be doing.

Personally, I have two opinions on the matter -

1. Do things which make you happy. If you don't know what makes you happy, what did you like doing as a child? Maybe it was playing football, maybe it was playing computer games. Look into restarting those hobbies.

2. This is going to seem a bit wacky. Apologies for this. If you look at the history of humans, we began very simply and have slowly advanced. Basically we've gone from cavemen to scientists. I think this is leading somewhere. I intend to help push this forward by getting involved in academia and add my little bit of brain power. Basically I think if you did nothing with your life but helped push society forward, that is good enough. Maybe this sounds crazy, I don't know.

Anyway, you're young, and you're normal. Don't be too hard on yourself, as most people don't have a clue either. Just try to do the things which make you happy, and if possible try to find a "bigger picture" way of looking at life.

You can PM me if you fancy heading out with myself and my friends sometime. Worse case scenario you wake up with a hangover.

Flamed Diving

Yeah, going back to study is a great boost to confidence and it gives you real targets to aim for. Why not look into that?

Liam Byrne

Rather than saying "I don't like the way my life is", focus on "what would I prefer to do each day"....

As a couple of posters have said, advertising and society - and particularly TV, which you've said you watch a lot of - have managed to convince us that we "should" be a particular way......girls should be brain-dead, vacuous, celebrity-obsessed sex-kittens, while guys should be arrogant macho idiots who get turned on by the ugliest and most pathetic "party-line ad" just because she's wearing negligé and sucking her finger while on the phone.....

Do you REALLY think you fit in to those pathetic clichés ?

If not, what makes you think you fit in to the other clichés about how daily life "should" be ?

Luan Parle has a great line in the song "Corporate Culture", where she lists how ads with celebrities tell you how to "fit in, but I don't wanna fit in".

Think about what you WANT to do - learn something new, meet people (not your average pissed "superpub" crowd, but real people you can have some fun with), and then check to see how to go about it.

Those in work have children and stuff and planning marriages and stuff

Yup, and doesn't it seem great for them and make you feel left out when they start talking about it ? Been there...

But the other side of that is nappies and budgeting and sleepless nights and whatever....

EVERYTHING in life has pros and cons, but if you're down you only see the good side of what everyone else has.

Even relationships......look at a couple in a restaurant or club and you'd want to be in one; the guy with the hot girlfriend - lucky guy, eh ? But was there a blazing row last week deciding whether to go to Sex and The City vs The Dark Knight, or when the girl flirted and/or went off with someone else ? You'll never know....

Someone with a huge flashy house or car could have an equally huge loan for and be barely able to meet repayments.

I'm not for a moment saying that babies or relationships - or anything - haven't LOADS of positive sides; just saying that - as with your life and circumstances, there are pros and cons.

And you need to remember that, so that you can stop looking at others' lives through rose coloured glasses, wishing you had what they had.....and that's the first step in deciding for yourself what YOU want.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

You need to find whatever it is that gives you most happiness in life and try to use it to give your life more meaning. It is not as difficult as it seems.