When your partner has a mental illness..

ugliest

I was wondering what it's like when you're going out with someone who has a mental illness.

Like, say you meet a lovely guy/girl, wonderful! Say you even fall for them. Then a bit down the line, you find out that on occassion, they may launch themselves off into the night without saying, and turn up god knows where, having done god knows what, and not have any control over it. Or perhaps you've been together a while, always had loads of fun, but suddenly he/she won't get out of bed for a week, and won't stop putting themself down, or crying all the time and being distant.

Alllllllllllll the little character flaws that come back to them being sick....

How do you know when to call it a day either?

Thought/experiences anyone?

workaccount

ugliest wrote: »

I was wondering what it's like when you're going out with someone who has a mental illness.

Every situation is different. Every mental illness is different.

ugliest wrote: »

Or perhaps you've been together a while, always had loads of fun, but suddenly he/she won't get out of bed for a week, and won't stop putting themself down, or crying all the time and being distant.

Could be anything....child abuse, rape etc. She may need counselling.

ugliest wrote: »

Then a bit down the line, you find out that on occassion, they may launch themselves off into the night without saying, and turn up god knows where, having done god knows what, and not have any control over it.

That's sleepwalking. Not a mental illness.

MonkeyWrench

I know someone who married a guy with Bi-Polar but it wasn't diagnosed until after they got married. This was many years back and the drugs available to treat this weren't great and there wasn't much of an understanding of the issues surrounding mental illness in general.

They were married for 15 years or so but ended up getting divorced mostly down to his endless manic depressive episodes and general inability to cope with having the responsibility of taking care of kids. I am in touch with the guy on a yearly basis and he seems in alot better shape now and is on medication to treat this which gives him a much more balanced lifestyle.

Every mental illness is different and some are more treatable than others but the person getting involved in this kind of relationship would really want to get their head around what may lie ahead if the person they are involved with doesn't respond to any sort of treatment..

ugliest

I know, i was just looking for personal experiences....


-also, i was thinking for psychotic episode thing for the other..

It can happen that it's suddenly like a switch in your brain you need to go somewhere, or possibly even being told to.. (schizophrenic episode).

And if she did need counselling, how did that affect you?

Looking for people's personal experiences.


It may be a fact the person has problems, but that affects a lot of things in a relationship. What's it like to be the other person there, when the person you care about feels so alone/mixed up/broken/whatever.

litup

ugliest wrote: »

Looking for people's personal experiences.

Why? Are you in a similar situation yourself? Do you want advice?

I think people would be more willing to share, and be able to give more useful advice, if you give them some backround to your situation.

ugliest

I've had various problems myself over the past years, i also know a good few other people in a similar boat to myself.

At the bad times it can seem all-consuming in a relationship, which is pretty pathetic and i'd imagine annoying/scary/intense.

I was wondering what's it's like for the other person there. Hoping for some candidness, as i've never been in a relationship with another sick person.

It's also more or less the reason i've ended ever relationship i've ever had. Was wondering how the "sane" one copes with all the stuff, would they be more hesitant to break up with their partner because they know their sick+any problems between them might be due to the illness? Oftentimes, even understanding the factors attributing to the problems, doesn't change the fact the problems are there.
(like a borderline person might be unconsciously very flirty, a depressive might be uncommunicative etc.)

Beruthiel

ugliest wrote: »

I was wondering what it's like when you're going out with someone who has a mental illness.

OP
Can we take it that it is you with the mental illness?
If so, can you explain exactly your personal issue?

LegacyUser

I am in a relationship with a guy who suffers from Schizophrenia. When we met I didn't know. I found out about 1 month into our relationship when things started to change. He started having mood swings and getting paranoid(he hears voices), when he didn't take his meds. It was hard to take in, my friends and family were telling me I must be crazy to get into a relationship with someone who had serious mental problems, but I fell madly in love with him and we are with eachother nearly 4 years. Things can be really hard between us sometimes, and I have to say I do resent his illness as I feel without it he could great things, but as it stands he can't even work. When we go out together(which is quite rare) everything can be grand one minute and the next he can explode and start ranting and getting all paranoid which is really embarrassing for me but it something that I can put up with.

Sometimes I wish that things could be different and that I could have a "normal" relationship with someone, that we could go out for drinks or dinner or to a concert without having to worry about where I am looking or what I'm saying if my BF is feeling on edge.

He is a great guy and most of friends still think that I shouldn't be with him, but I see how hard he tries and to me thats all that matters.

ugliest

Yes i am the one with the head craziness.


I'd like to know what it's actually like to go out with someone who's crazy.


I've ended relationships because it was too difficult to see how i was hurting them with my own self-destructive behaviour/difficulties/whatever.

What's it like to be on the receiving end of all that passive aggressive abuse?

LegacyUser

ugliest wrote: »

I was wondering what it's like when you're going out with someone who has a mental illness.

Like, say you meet a lovely guy/girl, wonderful! Say you even fall for them. Then a bit down the line, you find out that on occassion, they may launch themselves off into the night without saying, and turn up god knows where, having done god knows what, and not have any control over it. Or perhaps you've been together a while, always had loads of fun, but suddenly he/she won't get out of bed for a week, and won't stop putting themself down, or crying all the time and being distant.

Alllllllllllll the little character flaws that come back to them being sick....

How do you know when to call it a day either?
Thought/experiences anyone?

my last partner was like that, went to bed one night, all good ,was tired so didn't really want to give them a cuddle...
got up in the morning and they had a cut hand, i said 'what is this?how did that happen?i never noticed that before'. 'i went out into some bush's'. creeped me out.

The person didn't stay in bed for a week though, kept doing strange things and i had enough of their clingy and very strange behaviour.
i knew to call it a day when the behaviour was over-ruling my life and when it also got violent.

does the person in question have an obsessive behaviour or anything else that seems 'not right' to you ??

LegacyUser

I have been in a relationship with a man who suffers from depression for the last 4 years. I found out about 6 weeks after we started dating, when he went off the rails and verbally attacked my friend over what was a very minor issue. His reaction was totally overboard for the situation. I still had no clue that he was mentally ill, or that he had been treated for depression for over 20 years. It took him over a year to admit that to me, even though I knew before then that all was not as it seemed.

You ask how it is for the other person. I love my partner very much and I will stay with him for that reason. But if you were to ask me if I had the choice all over again, I can honestly say I should have run that night I first saw the sign that all was not good. I too cannot go anywhere without worrying how he is going to be, or who he might upset. That is both stressful and exhausting for me. It also means I make excuses not to go out as much as we used to. Also there are places and friends who no longer welcome us.

Sometimes he sleeps for days on end, other times he needs little sleep. He too ended every previously relationship he was in. If a crack shows in a relationship, he usually runs. He has only had one other realtionship besides this one that lasted over a year.

When he is very stressed, he argues and during those arguments he makes sure he hits where it hurts. And he knows what to say to cause the most hurt he possibly can. He is aware of this, and does not like that part of himself but it still happens. Its really hard when its my family that are on the receiving end of the comments. Thankfully he usually only shouts the insults at me, and not at them. I'd like to point out that he is in no way physically abusive.

He is one of the funniest, loveliest, kindest of men when he is in a well period. And the times he is well are becoming more and more, and he is losing the head less and less. This is why I am still with him. He's like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. Its hard to connect the two. But although I love him, there is no doubt in my mind that I would not make the same choice again, I would get out before I fell for him. It is very stressful for me, and it does take its toll.

LegacyUser

ugliest wrote: »

Yes i am the one with the head craziness.


I'd like to know what it's actually like to go out with someone who's crazy.


I've ended relationships because it was too difficult to see how i was hurting them with my own self-destructive behaviour/difficulties/whatever.

What's it like to be on the receiving end of all that passive aggressive abuse?

It can be really rough for both parties , as if you really love one another you don't want to hurt your partner but you can't help it. I think it takes a very understanding and unselfish person to be with someone who has a mental illness. But remember its a mental illness and not you. You also have to try and keep your personailty alive.
When my BF hurts(not physically.) me due to his illness, we always make sure to have a sit down and talk it through, sometimes almost to death. I understand the way his mind works now so its not such a blow when it happens.

Make sure you inform your GF/BF as much as you can regarding your illness. It is not a time to hold anything back as it will just cause problems later on.

It is possible to be in a happy relationship, it just takes that little bit extra and if both of you are willing everything should work out.

Hope this helps a little bit.

pookie82

It's not your average run-of-the-mill relationship, that's for sure, but then is there such a thing?

Before being with someone who suffers from depression I would probably have thought twice about getting involved with anyone who suffers from a mental illness. Not due to the stigma attached but just due to the added problems it would inevitably bring.

Then I met someone who I fell in love with very quickly and there was no question of me backing off because he suffered from depression. It was made quite clear to me from the outset and I did consider the difficulties that lay ahead but to me the person outweighed the baggage.

I still stand by my decision and am still very much in love but there were some very tough times along the way. At his worst my boyfriend found it hard to get out of bed, put on a t-shirt, eat, sleep, talk, function. Being the partner of someone with depression or a mental illness can be extremely lonely. You don't want to discuss it with anyone else as you feel like you may be betraying their confidence, but after a while you're living with the illness on a daily basis, it's as much a part of your life as it is theirs, and it's very easy to become isolated and feel down yourself and hopeless at times. It's important to have a good friend base and to have someone who you can talk to other than your OH.

You have to make a lot of sacrifices. You have to come second all the time. You have to accept that selfishness is necessary to a lot of depressions sufferers' survival - and I don't mean selfishness as in not cleaning up and making you do all the cooking etc. I mean never being able to put your problems first or be there for you and sometimes the sufferer can't even bring themselves to listen to your woes for longer than five mins. You need to be the strong half of the relationship at all times, you need to accept that their illness makes them say and do cruel things sometimes that they would never attempt under normal circumstances, you need to have a thick skin, you need to be able to stand up for yourself and you need to be well informed on their condition. You need to be able to endure sleepless nights and late night phonecalls and crazy demands and you need to be ok with being heavily relied upon.

On the other hand, after a while this can become second nature. It's like you were never in any other kind of relationship. And the rewards outweigh the bad times. When they have a good week you realise there's light at the end of the tunnel. When they start to make a full recovery you start to see the person that was underneath all along. You've come through a lot together which has made you a lot closer and as time goes on it really does get easier to take the bad with the good.

A lot of people may run a mile from getting involved with a sufferer of mental illness. That's their prerogative. But there are people out there who will be strong enough to help you through it and will love you despite your problems. We all have baggage of some sort. Mantal illness is not a light one but it's certainly not an inconceivable leap to take it on and come out smiling.

Liam Byrne

ugliest wrote: »

Yes i am the one with the head craziness.

I'd like to know what it's actually like to go out with someone who's crazy.

I've ended relationships because it was too difficult to see how i was hurting them with my own self-destructive behaviour/difficulties/whatever.

What's it like to be on the receiving end of all that passive aggressive abuse?

Firstly, I don't think ANY of us are 100% sane.

Secondly - to be honest - it's a complete bitch; you don't know where you stand from one day to the next.

Thirdly - if you can see through it to the person inside, you come to realise that someone, somewhere that makes it through the crap will be a very lucky person indeed.

BUT Fourthly, it's possible that you're not that person and you need to get out before you're pushed or both of you completely lose your sanity.

Having said all that, like I said, NONE of us are 100% sane or rational. Yes, it's easy for someone who's recognised as such to say "I have an excuse", while others who are just slightly odd mightn't get away with odd behaviour. And (unpopular comment alert!) it can also be a convenient excuse for that behaviour.

I'm not for a moment belittleing mental illness, or trivialising its effects; just pointing out that there are degrees of it and the threshold for it being recognised properly is arbitrary.

It's a VERY tough balancing act; but if you think you're the right person for that person it just might be worth hanging in there to see them through. I know of one girl that - if some guy was to get through their manufactured shell and be the recipient of what's inside - will be a lucky guy indeed. But I also once had to be the one to face the fact that it wasn't gonna be me.

Mrs OBumble

I haven't done this myself, but have watched a few friends try over the years.

It seems to be a lot easier now than it was even 10 years ago: I think the doctors have got a lot better at selecting appropriate medications/dosages, and the nurses have learned how to talk to people so that they keep taking the meds (always giving them hope that one day they won't need 'em any more, etc). Life with meds is ALWAYS easier than life without!

The case where I've seen it work best is a slightly odd (but not ill) man who married a woman with schitzophrenia. It works because he's well off, and has a house with a totally self-contained furnished apartment underneath: when she has an episode at night she can go down there and let off the way she needs to, without him being disturbed. It helps too that he's a bit odd ... his friends were already the folks who could see past the oddness to the very genuine person inside.

In another case, the woman is manic-depressive. She's been engaged to a guy "forever". I can vaguely remember that they set a date years ago, then she got very ill and was hospitalised for a while. They called the wedding off, and broke up. She got stable again, they got together again .... and have been engaged ever since. He lives in his house. She lives in hers. They visit. They don't do wedding plans, but yes they are "engaged".

All that said, where one party has any condition (mental or physical) that means they are unable to participate in the give-and-take of a relationship on a regular basis, I think you really have to ask whether the relationship is viable. You cannot base this on mental illness alone though: someone who takes their meds regularly, is monitored and has dosages adjusted to match changes is quite possibly MORE able to participate in a relationship than an emotionally or morally underdeveloped "healthy" person (eg someone who's selfish or violent).

pookie82

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Thirdly - if you can see through it to the person inside, you come to realise that someone, somewhere that makes it through the crap will be a very lucky person indeed.

BUT Fourthly, it's possible that you're not that person and you need to get out before you're pushed or both of you completely lose your sanity.

Yes, it's easy for someone who's recognised as such to say "I have an excuse", while others who are just slightly odd mightn't get away with odd behaviour. And (unpopular comment alert!) it can also be a convenient excuse for that behaviour.

It's a VERY tough balancing act;

I second all of the above. It's all good and well signing up to be the one who wades through the crap to get to the person underneath but you need to know when to quit, when to hold your hands up and say this is starting to damage my own mental/physical well-being and nothing is worth that.

It can also be quite common (in my experience) for a sufferer of mental illness to sometimes use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Now depression and the like has a lot to answer for when it comes to driving a person to do and say nasty things, but there comes a point where you have to draw the line if the person is doing you real damage in any way, and just get out of there. You need to have a huge amount of patience and understanding BUT you also need to know when to refuse to take any more sh*t from them. And that can be very difficult to determine.

I'll also second the bit about it being the most rewarding thing in the world to cut through the illness to the person it's hiding. But be prepared for the journey. I think you need to be a strong person with a very thick skin who is difficult to sway or manipulate in any way. And you need to have a lot of patience.

ugliest

Thank you to everyone who posted, it really means a lot to me you replied+i think i've got a little bit more insight into things.

I agree with quite a lot of the things that've been said and it's good to hear them from an outside source, in the past i've tended to obsess about how hard it must be for the other person being with someone so pathetic/un-fun etc. etc. and that they were only there out of obligation because they were such a good person.

Sometimes, even if you let someone know the score, it can't really prepare them for what might happen.

From what I hear, some people genuinely are willing to put up with things, to be with the person, not something I understand, but I'll take your word for it+see how things go. I'll try to not be so introverted about this topic with OH in future+try make it work instead of deciding i'm not good enough+cutting all contact (really does seem like i'm doing what's best for them at the time). It's up to the other person to have a say at the end of the day.

Thank you anyone who replied, really meant something to me.x

pookie82

It does take a lot of sacrifice on the "well" person's part but believe me, it's worth when the sufferer of mental illness makes a breakthrough, or starts to recover, and you realise what's underneath. Not everyone will want to take it on but there ARE people who will. You're right, it's very tough to prepare someone for it. You can explain it but it doesn't warn them of what's actually ahead. But I and others on here are living proof that it can and will be done.

I can understand that it must be tempting to try and "set free" any partners that you have as you feel they have too much to put up with etc, but you need to give them a chance. Not all will be willing to give up on you. And if they do, then you need to chalk it up to experience and start again. And remember "regular" relationships are often just as fraught with issues.

I wish you the best for the future and hope you can let someone close to you when the right one comes along.

STUBBORNGIRL

hey OP

I went out with a guy for a few months who was Bi Polar. I didnt find out for a few days after seeing him but he seemed so normal it didnt bother me! but then out of nowhere jsut silly things he did got to me - like making funny faces and acting all childish and grabbign me unnecessarily in shops! it all got a bit too much.i got scared that he would do something to himself so i couldnt break up with him! I had to start acting like a super b!tch (something i am not proud of ) so that he would dump me! and yes the day came when that happened and although i missed his company i was relieved!

I really have respect for people who can put up with this sort of behaviour and maybe i worry too much about what others think but i was embarrassed on many occasions! The only time i really really enjoyed being with him is when both he and I had drink in us!

That is from my point of view - i dont know what it is you suffer from if its bi-polar or not but thats my 2 cent anyway. Speaking from my experience - I am sure it is different for everyone! Dont let it get to you though and i cant see why you would break up with someone just because you think they will eventually get sick of you! There are some really decent people in the world and you would be stupid to let them go just because you think they will leave you anyway! Stick with it ! the right person will stick by you Good luck