Can't live with parents anymore

LegacyUser

Hi all, my head is melted so just need some help, or direction.

I'm 21, female, single and living at home and i'm finding it more and more difficult living with my parents. I was a full time student up until May and now i'm working and going to continue my degree at night. I don't have enough money to move out, but i have to get out.

My relationship with my dad is really getting bad to the point where we'll go weeks without talking, start talking again and then argue a couple of weeks later and the whole thing starts over again. If we get into an arguement he's very quick to lose his temper and shouts and gets into a pure rage, i can't stress that enough, his whole faces changes and goes red, it's full rage and its where he'll call me all sorts of names like c*nt, bi*ch, ba*tard, pr*ck, a cow, a pig, a w*anker etc etc you get the idea. You name it he shouts it at me and says the sooner i'm out the better and then comes right up to me and shouts that he'll break my jaw one of these days. He thinks i'm too cheeky. He's just from that sort of era. He thinks I don't respect him. And to be honest i don't. But only because of this way he goes on. And when we are back talking we never have a proper conversation. Just a ''how was your day?'', ''grand, how was yours?'' but that's it.

On the other hand though he is the most genourous and thoughtful person i've ever met. I have a propper relationship with my mam, but we argue at times too.

My parents are great to me but i just cant live with them anymore. I'm just so upset about it because i feel like there's nothing i can do, but is there??

Any ideas or thoughts on it will be aprreciated. I feel so trapped.

LadyE

cantliveathome wrote: »

Hi all, my head is melted so just need some help, or direction.

I'm 21, female, single and living at home and i'm finding it more and more difficult living with my parents. I was a full time student up until May and now i'm working and going to continue my degree at night. I don't have enough money to move out, but i have to get out.

My relationship with my dad is really getting bad to the point where we'll go weeks without talking, start talking again and then argue a couple of weeks later and the whole thing starts over again. If we get into an arguement he's very quick to lose his temper and shouts and gets into a pure rage, i can't stress that enough, his whole faces changes and goes red, it's full rage and its where he'll call me all sorts of names like c*nt, bi*ch, ba*tard, pr*ck, a cow, a pig, a w*anker etc etc you get the idea. You name it he shouts it at me and says the sooner i'm out the better and then comes right up to me and shouts that he'll break my jaw one of these days. He thinks i'm too cheeky. He's just from that sort of era. He thinks I don't respect him. And to be honest i don't. But only because of this way he goes on. And when we are back talking we never have a proper conversation. Just a ''how was your day?'', ''grand, how was yours?'' but that's it.

On the other hand though he is the most genourous and thoughtful person i've ever met. I have a propper relationship with my mam, but we argue at times too.

My parents are great to me but i just cant live with them anymore. I'm just so upset about it because i feel like there's nothing i can do, but is there??

Any ideas or thoughts on it will be aprreciated. I feel so trapped.

Can you live in a houseshare or anything? You might find that the realtionship ith your parents will get alot healthier once you move out and arnt in each others faces everyday?

LegacyUser

Honestly? Just move out. If you're working, you should be able to afford to pay rent for a room in a houseshare. No reason to stay living in a house where you're clearly not happy, and arguments such as you outlined are par for the course. Why would you even contemplate staying at home? Seriously, just look for a room in a houseshare and get out of a situation that is clearly making you miserable. It may even help your relationship with your father, as a bit of distance often has a good effect on tough family relationships.

Claire121

Why can't you move out if you're working? Maybe you could get a better paying job or a loan? I moved out for college at 18, I don't even have a bad relationship with my parents but it would seriously wreck my head still living at home at 21. There are single rooms out there for 300-400 euro/month if you're not overly fussy about location or number of flatmates.

Talliesin

cantliveathome wrote: »

i can't stress that enough, his whole faces changes and goes red, it's full rage and its where he'll call me all sorts of names like c*nt, bi*ch, ba*tard, pr*ck, a cow, a pig, a w*anker etc etc you get the idea. You name it he shouts it at me and says the sooner i'm out the better and then comes right up to me and shouts that he'll break my jaw one of these days. He thinks i'm too cheeky. He's just from that sort of era.

No, no he isn't. There was never an era where that was a good idea, and there wasn't one where that was acceptable in living memory.

The_Conductor

Unfortunately adults will get on each other's nerves when you're living together. You may be 21, but your dad still views you as his daughter that he has a duty to protect from the outside world. He is unable to reconcile the very capable 21 year old adult with what he perceives as his parenting duty. This in no way whatsoever excuses his behaviour, which is appalling.

Obviously you are quite capable of taking care of yourself, but its difficult to change people's perceptions. If you do move out you may very well find that you get on great with your parents down the road. Having that degree of removal- where you have your independence and are not under their little fingers, will be a very healthy change.

Realistically- its time to try to leverage your job and make your own way in the world. As long as you live at home, whether you like it or not, you have to subscribe to everything that entails. Unfortunately in your case living at home is a lot worse than it is for most people........

As alluded to above- a houseshare is a very reasonable way to go- or indeed apartment rents are tumbling again- so you might even be able to get your own place. Depending on the level of your earnings, you may possibly qualify for some sort of income support which might alleviate the price of accommodation.

S.

ronbyrne2005

Without condoning his tirades it's his house and if he feels you are being cheeky etc he feels his right to not be talked back to by his child etc. I'm sure there's two sides to the story and you say he is an otherwise good man so pipe up or move out. You're working and house shares are cheap even for recent grads. If you can't avoid setting him off then you need to do whatever you can to get money to move out.

Carrigart Exile

what are the trigger points for these arguments with your mum and dad? Could you be playing the wee girl and then the adult when it suits you? As stated earlier, its difficult for parents to know when to let go and if a child enjoys switching between child and adult when it suits them that can lead to confusion. All people argue and I know from my own experience when I was your age I knew everything and my parents were dunderheads that knew nothing, that's where most of my arguments started...........its only now, being a dad it suddenly dawns on you how much they knew and how much they were looking out for you.

Try taking control in the house, avoid the situations that lead to arguments, treat your folks with respect. And, at the same time, keep your eye out for a flat share.

magick

it almost sounds like a case of Cabin fever, however yes like most people are saying here id move out , you would be amazed at the improvement of the realtionship when u move out.

Beruthiel

cantliveathome wrote: »

now i'm working and going to continue my degree at night. I don't have enough money to move out, but i have to get out.

Then move out.
You're working, find a house share and rent a room, where there's a will there's a way.

Dudess

OP, he's being very abusive to you - nobody has the right to speak to anyone like that, or to make such violent threats. It doesn't seem like you realise that.

trio

Jesus, just move out - get a crappy houseshare as cheap as you can. Even a bloody box room under the stairs is better than that.

Possibly your relationship with your Dad will improve if you're gone also.

Claire121

Without condoning his tirades it's his house and if he feels you are being cheeky etc he feels his right to not be talked back to by his child etc. I'm sure there's two sides to the story and you say he is an otherwise good man so pipe up or move out. You're working and house shares are cheap even for recent grads. If you can't avoid setting him off then you need to do whatever you can to get money to move out.

Exactly, at the end of the day it is his house and OP herself has admitted to being cheeky. Not many people would react well to an adult living in their house and insulting them. If OP is working full time, there is no reason at all to be living at home. I know loads of people including myself who lived away through 4 years of college. Obviously you have to share a place (my flatmates are 32 and 33 and still can't afford a place to themselves) but the independence is worth it. I get on fairly well with my parents, but we drive each other mad if I'm home more than a few days.

Crumble Froo

honestly, OP, i was in a similar position when i was about 15/16. few rough patches but by the time i was 17 i had a job, and i was gone by the time i was 18. paid €50 a week for a small box room, shared with other people, but fúck it, it was my small box room in my space. you might need to give up drinking/going out/spending heaps on whatever you tend to spend your money on recreationally, but really, i think it's worth it, dont you?

i know it seems like a massive, scary thing to do, and of course it is, it's the first time doing it in your entire 21 years of life. but for your own good, i think it's the best. you can't go on being treated like you are, and, from my own, and a few friends' experiences, your relationship with your parents could become a lot less stressful when you have that bit of space between ye.

alternatively, i guess sitting down and talking things out, really clearly with your folks is a possibility, but, from your description there anyway, im not sure your dad would listen... yet, he's a thoughtful generous person, perhaps he might. you know him best, and i think you know what's best for you, too, it's just easier to make excuses than to actually work up the balls and go!

Monkey61

ronbyrne2005 wrote: »

Without condoning his tirades it's his house and if he feels you are being cheeky etc he feels his right to not be talked back to by his child etc. I'm sure there's two sides to the story and you say he is an otherwise good man so pipe up or move out.

He may be otherwise a good man but no good father swears at his daughter and threatens to break her jaw!!! That's absolutely insane. I'd never speak to my father again.

I imagine there's a lot of mothers who if they heard that happen, would be directing the father to daft.ie

sryk

its ur lyf...do what u deem ryt for u...bcoz there will be a tym where ul definitely have to live wivout parents...try to sort fings out bet u guys...and tell them abt ur dci...am sure they'l surely understnd...infack they should...but know that parents r the only prsn u cn always rely on whenever or whateva..so dnt be too hsty in making such deci...best of luck;)

Beruthiel

sryk wrote: »

its ur lyf...do what u deem ryt for u...bcoz there will be a tym where ul definitely have to live wivout parents...try to sort fings out bet u guys...and tell them abt ur dci...am sure they'l surely understnd...infack they should...but know that parents r the only prsn u cn always rely on whenever or whateva..so dnt be too hsty in making such deci...best of luck;)

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