Fed up of abuse!

LegacyUser

I am not going to go into the long winded version but after many years of what I can call an abusive marriage my OH has finally seen the light and is getting help for his issues. Things have been great for the past few months and it is very evident that he is taking fully responsibility for his previous verbal abuse.

However, today was not a good day. He seemed to have got out of bed in a bad mood. I reckon the pollen was high and it was tiredness or plain old grumpiness. For some of the day I have listened to short tepmered remarks especially regarding the children. He feels that I am too soft on the kids. I actually don't want to be constantly shouting at them so I take a calmer approach. This evening we were cleaning up after the dinner and I could here him mumbling about the kids making a mess in their playroom. Something to the effect of...."fcuking kids I am sick standing on their toys". I tut tutted and got the sharp reply of "and whats wrong with you? " I just explained that there was no need to be contatntly giving out and they would clean it up later. To which he replied..." It's always me who has to deal with them. You never say a word to them." Whaich is not true at all. I explained that I spend all week with them and repermand the continously. Then I got the whammy..."I'm not putting up with this. The way you speak to me. You'll see it all clearer next week". This comment is an implication of PMT.

Now am I being completely over sensitive but I do not think he has any right to commnet on this especially in an arguement. I am due in about 10 days so I have slight PMT. As in tender breasts but I do not generally suffer from mood swings. I am fed up of this being implied. I cannot argue the point as he will just say that I won't see it at the moment anyway. Tbh, I do not want to argue anyway but I will stand up for myself. Is he being an insensitive male or I am over sensitive?

Talliesin

After years of what you describe as an abusive relationship, you're looking for an explanation for this incident?

This isn't something that can be dealt with in a few days.

Yeah, it sounds like he was being an asshole. Maybe you're making more of this (in that you're seeking people's opinions on this rather than on anything in the previous history) because you've become more aware of just how things are - which is a good thing.

You can expect set-backs in anything that's going to take a lot of work to accomplish, which is where you and your husband are in terms of his behaviour.

Are you also getting help for your side of the issue. If his behaviour is bad enough that he needs such help, the effects on you are likely bad enough that you may need help dealing with them, and also so that you can deal both with set-backs and the changes progress he makes could bring (even changes for the better can be unsettling).

MagicMarker

Bombay Saphire wrote: »

I am not going to go into the long winded version but after many years of what I can call an abusive marriage my OH has finally seen the light and is getting help for his issues. Things have been great for the past few months and it is very evident that he is taking fully responsibility for his previous verbal abuse.

However, today was not a good day. He seemed to have got out of bed in a bad mood. I reckon the pollen was high and it was tiredness or plain old grumpiness. For some of the day I have listened to short tepmered remarks especially regarding the children. He feels that I am too soft on the kids. I actually don't want to be constantly shouting at them so I take a calmer approach. This evening we were cleaning up after the dinner and I could here him mumbling about the kids making a mess in their playroom. Something to the effect of...."fcuking kids I am sick standing on their toys". I tut tutted and got the sharp reply of "and whats wrong with you? " I just explained that there was no need to be contatntly giving out and they would clean it up later. To which he replied..." It's always me who has to deal with them. You never say a word to them." Whaich is not true at all. I explained that I spend all week with them and repermand the continously. Then I got the whammy..."I'm not putting up with this. The way you speak to me. You'll see it all clearer next week". This comment is an implication of PMT.

Now am I being completely over sensitive but I do not think he has any right to commnet on this especially in an arguement. I am due in about 10 days so I have slight PMT. As in tender breasts but I do not generally suffer from mood swings. I am fed up of this being implied. I cannot argue the point as he will just say that I won't see it at the moment anyway. Tbh, I do not want to argue anyway but I will stand up for myself. Is he being an insensitive male or I am over sensitive?

You sound like children yourselves.

My advice is to grow up and stop acting like feuding siblings and start acting like husband and wife. While you say he 'abused' you before, this is not abuse.

And for the record, a woman with PMT can be the cause of vast frustration among men. If he brought up PMT 10 days before your period, then you can be damn sure he finds you annoying as **** when in the swing of things. I think all men can sympathize with your husband.

takola

I'm sorry but I don't see any abuse in what you've wrote about.

It sounds to me like you two had a snappy day. Everyone has days where they're in bad form and when living with someone they'll just snap at each other all day long. I'd consider it normal to be honest.

I don't really know what you're looking for here.

LegacyUser

If your husband is treating you badly,and your unhappythen why you still with him. You dont need him,and if he causing unhappiness at home then your kids are better off out of there too. Put your kids first.he is just some man you met,the kids are your flesh and blood,he can see them when he gets his temper under control.

trio

Sounds like you're so wary of him at this stage (with good reason it seems after years of abuse) that you're finding it very difficult to distinguish between normal snappiness and "abuse".

Do you still love him? Cos it doesn't sound like you even like him. If you don't like him then why are you still there? Because of the kids?

You think that he's never going to have a bad day again? That his treatment is going to turn him so mild-mannered that he's never again going to be snappy or irritable? It's counselling, not a labotomy. It's a work in progress and he's going to have days like this.

You have to decide if days like this are too much for your worn-out nerves.

If you do want to stay with him, then you really have to attend some counselling sessions with him, or if you already are, then you have to address in the sessions the fact that you no longer know what "normal" is.

The exchange you had was childish, but if it were between me and my OH I would not regard it as abusive. You are wondering if it is based on his past and the fact that you're down to your last raw nerve with this guy.

The implication of PMT was childish - and yeah, it is a bit rich after years of abuse. Yeah, he is being an insensitive male. But you have a bigger problem. One snappy exchange has upset you so much that you've come on here. You've got to go to counselling with him and address this as you still have a lot to sort out.

sryk

its after sooo many years that you are realizing that you are being abused by your husband...gosg...wake up.damn it...so what u waiting for...fight for your rightst..if you arer unhappy with him so you tell him, hell you are still with him:S:S....

Nevyn

sryk text speak is not permitted here, this is your second warning.

Zulu

I can only comment on the incident above, as you've given no examples of previous "abuse" except that it's acknowledged and being acted on. Fair dues to him for seeking help. He deserves praise.

In the above situation...
It appears you are being overly sensitive.
It appears that, like a normal person, he was having a bad day and was pissed off.
It could be interpreted that when he wanted support/TLC from his partner, he got chastised.

Does your family operate under the all-to-common: "wait until your dad gets home" threat? If so, perhaps he's pissed off being the bad guy? (clutching at straws here mind you)

Eitherway, you are bound to be sensitive what with all things considered, but perhaps there is room for a little more consideration?