Sister smoking heroin.

LegacyUser

Hi folks

A lot of back-story is required for this, so please bear with me.
I’m 26 and I still live with my folks in the suburbs and I have an older brother who is married. When I was 4 years old, my folks fostered a one-year old girl from a terribly dysfunctional family that lives in a dodgy area. The girl we took in (henceforth to be referred to as Jane) was the youngest of a large family – the father was a burglar and the mother a little bit slow. We didn’t know this at the time, but the father used to abuse the kids – Jane was spared this fate because he was in prison when she was around.

About three years later, the social workers persuaded my family to take in the newest addition to this family – Emily. Emily was about a year old, and had definitely suffered the attentions of her father. This was never going to be short-term fostering – we were always going to have these girls for the long-haul, and while they kept their surname, I always considered them my sisters.

Anyway, they were both in a well known private school from fourth class onwards, although it never suited them too well. Jane has never been too bright and while Emily was gifted, she was always very self-destructive and abusive to those around her, especially my parents who she treated like dirt, and I hated her for it. She got kicked out of her school at fifteen or so, and then from another place before we gave up on her ever doing the leaving cert. Her behaviour got worse and worse as she got older, and she eventually moved out.

When she was nineteen, out of some misguided attempt at rebellion, she went to stay with her real father in the UK (as much because my folks had always told her not to as anything else, as best I can figure it). You can probably guess what happened next. The son-of-a-b*tch raped her (the case is still pending). Anyway, she died of an accidental overdose about six months after that (it was definitely not suicide, trust me; I’m not the delusional type). I am also not a particularly emotional person, and the way Emily treated people had me very distant from her. So when she died I was neither surprised nor particularly upset. Jane, on the other hand, was devastated. This was nearly two years ago now.

Jane has always been really caring, and although Emily treated Jane worse than anyone else, Jane never gave up on her. The death thus hit her like a ton of bricks, and it took her ages to get back on her feet. However, she eventually did seem to get her head together, and has been working full time for a while now, with another job in the evenings as well. I always knew that she has absolutely no sense with money; hence the long hours. Well, it turns out that she had another major expense…

My mother told me yesterday that a neighbour had told her that Jane has been smoking smack. This neighbour’s daughter is a friend of Jane’s. My folks had confronted Jane on it, and she fessed up. She has been taking methadone too, as she says she wants to stop (at least up until the pain kicks in). This is all on account of her grief over Emily & her father.

My reaction was one of pure fury. I obviously blame the father for the death of Emily, but I blame absolutely nobody but Jane for her current situation. My thinking is that when life deals you a bad hand, you have a responsibility to make the best of it. Life is hard – terrible things happen. You suck it up and deal with it. What you don’t do is give up on life and turn to hard drugs. Jane was giving more of a chance than virtually anyone coming from that world, and she is throwing it all away.

So, what now? I haven’t seen or spoken to Jane since I heard, but this isn’t unusual. We’re not really close at all. My folks are going to help her get treatment, but they are also writing her out of the will. She is still functional for the moment – she is still doing both her jobs and has missed very little work. However, I don’t think she’ll be able to keep this up for long. My concern is that we’ll find her dangling from a rope before too long, which would devastate my parents.

What I’m looking for here is advice from people who have experience either with coming off hard drugs themselves, or who have dealt with people in this situation. What I am entirely uninterested in hearing is people telling me how I should feel: such posts will not be entertained for a second. I actually hate my sister for her what she’s done (don’t bother telling me to be sympathetic; I’m not going to be), but the last thing I want is to be burying another family member, which looks like it might be on the cards. Feel free to ask for more information or clarifications though.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Dont have much advice but been there with my sister.

I fcuking despised her when she was on it, she was hard core strung out at 16. Robbing my parents, sleeping outside the mater hospital, it was a strangers in my sisters body. Couldnt believe she was doing this to herself and moreso to my parents. We are a decent family, never had much money but no way was this lifestyle anything to do with how she was raised.

My parents eventually made her chose - drugs or her daughter and they took full custody vowing not to let her see her kid til she started to get help. My parents waited with baited breath i knew they would never abandon her compeltely and i dont know what they would have done had she chosen drugs but she didnt, she chose the baby. She screamed the house down for a long time in pain, she looked fcuking terrible and i thought my heart would break looking at my little sister like that but she got through it.

She did and to look at her now she is gorgeous, you would never know she was a junkie. SHe harbours in herself a lot of guilt and shame for that time in her life and has a lack of confidence.

My point is it can be done if she wants, but she has to want it. How you make her want it i dont know.

Kevster

Dude, as a depressed person who has had a terrible childhood, I have to inform you that, for some people, simply 'sucking it up and dealing with it' is just something that seems impossible; and we can't do it without outside help. I'm not attacking you here - I'm just imparting knowledge to you. (Please note that I haven't told you how you should be feeling either.)

Anyway, I am pleased that your parents are looking to get help for her, and also that she appears willing to accept that help. When I was in a psychiatric hospital, I knew a guy there who was coming off hard drugs. His father had basically put him into the hospital against his own will, but I could tell that he appreciated the fact that at least someone still cared enough for him.

You mentioned that you don't want to be burying another family member. I should remind you, therefore, that inaction is something that could possibly lead to that. So, ensure that she is actively taking part in this help that your parents are going to provide her.

Take care,
Kevin.

PS - I'm not going to be looking back here because I fear that you will just berate me.

MagicMarker

I'm not quite sure why you are posting here? You don't really seem to give a ****? Or am i wrong?

Do you actually want to help your sister?

Karen_*

I agree with what Kevster said and I know you don't want to hear that. You're parents sound like absolute diamonds and they really opened their hearts and their home to two little girls and it brought them so much heartache. Its a very tragic tale for all including you and I can't say I blame you for being angry. The girls had really good opportunities given to them and I daresay there were times you missed out because of it. I would say you've every right to be feeling as you are but its not helping Jane, you or your parents really.

I know people who are or have been on hard drugs. None of them are scumbags but people who were dealt bad cards and made bad decisions. Jane has made a bad choice but she's obviously really suffering and she does need your help. You don't want anything to happen to her and you don't want your parents upset more. I do think you are going to have to help her or try to. Try talking to her to see how willing she is about going for help. Contact the merchants quay project and see can a counsellor there speak to her

LegacyUser

MagicMarker, I really don't know, to be honest. I am so furious with her that I could wring her neck, but she's not a bad person.
I guess I don't feel any love for her. I do love my parents though, and anything that hurts them hurts me. Backwards logic, I know.

Karen_*

I think its perfectly understandable that you feel the way you do OP. You've been through alot yourself.

MagicMarker

Sister Problems wrote: »

MagicMarker, I really don't know, to be honest. I am so furious with her that I could wring her neck, but she's not a bad person.
I guess I don't feel any love for her. I do love my parents though, and anything that hurts them hurts me. Backwards logic, I know.

To be completely honest, you are well within your rights to not do anything and just live your life. I don't think anyone would blame you for that.

Personally, i would help. I'm not exactly known for giving a **** about a lot of people, look after number 1 i say. People make their own decisions and they should face the consequences of their actions. However, sometimes you have to just suck it up and put yourself and your emotions on the limb, not because you want to, but because it's the right thing to do.

Your sister, no matter how much she means to you, is a part of your family and your parents care a great deal for her. She can still be saved, i think it's worth trying. And if you do your best but she continues down the path she's chosen, then at least you can say you tried.

beth-lou

I think you should help her. if she is genuinely wanting to stop and she is asking for your support, give it to her. The more people that are rooting fo rher, the better. It will help with her self esteem, which is probably pretty low. Although your parents and your family gave her lots of opportunities,you could never take away the loss of her maternal mother or the fact that her paternal father is a monster. I sense that you never really gelled with either of your foster sisters and they probably on some level never felt equal to you either.

My brother is homeless. Last week I got a phonecall to say that he is now injecting heroin. I am at a loss as to what to do for him. He has been through rehab twice, I took him in, my hubby got him a few jobs on the sites, all of which he lost, he stole from us, he was abusive to my Mam,he stole from her, he was abusive to me and my sister when we told him he had to leave her house. He's basically a mess and has screwed us all over at one point or another. But if he asked for my help I would give it in a heartbeat. But he won't accept help, he won't help himself and I worry about him everyday. My youngest bro already died in a car accident and I don't think my Mam could take losing another son. So I understand where your parents are coming from. They want her to get better. And hopefully she will. If she wants help that's a really big step. Please offer any support you can. It's ok to be angry, I understand that and feel it too. But even if it's just saying to her that you really want to see her better, then that is something.

Is she an addict or just starting to smoke it? There is no answer anyone can give you that will help. The only one that can change things is her and only if she really wants to, but probably not until she hits rock bottom. I'm still waiting for my brother to hit rock botoom. Maybe he has and he's going to stay there.

Kevstar, do you know how to go about putting someone into psychiatric care against their will. If this was an option it might be worth looking at because we are totally lost at the moment. Sorry, I don't mean to hijack your post another sister. Just desperately trying to find a solution too.

LegacyUser

Hi folks. Call me James. It's not my name, but close enough.

I posted unregged here before about this very same problem a while back. The title was Sister Smoking Heroin. I was unable to find the thread, as I don't remember exactly when I posted it (it was within the last 12 months anyway), and the search function isn't great here. Mods (or anyone else for that matter), can you add a link if you can find the old thread? It explains the back-story (which is really long and quite awful) and I'm not interested in getting into that right now unless someone specifically asks.

About 60 minutes ago I logged out of boards (I'm a fairly regular poster), and I was heading towards the stairs when I found the front door slightly ajar. I opened to see if anyone was around, and my sister was sitting in her car with a lighter under a piece of tinfoil, with a glass rod in her mouth. I tapped on the window, and told her that she should be ashamed of herself. She came into the hall and tried to come clean about her problems cleaning up and whatnot. I informed her that I would prefer if she used a rope, and I walked off. She's just driven off somewhere, probably to give her friend a lift as I told the friend that she was not welcome here anymore (as she knew about this). If she doesn't come back, I'm honestly not sure I'd care.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here because I don't know what kind of advice or replies I want. It's a cold kind of fury that I'm feeling right now - I didn't feel any desire to get violent with my sister or anything - I just feel absolute contempt for her. I suppose the one thing I would like advice on is how to manage living with her for the next two weeks. We're both still living at home, and my folks are away until Friday week. I took time off work to train (I've got something coming up) and she doesn't work in the summer. So it will just be the two of us. Also, I've a job interview in a few days, and I can't go into that with my head in this place.

I know this all sounds like I am a man totally devoid of empathy and compassion. That isn't quite right: I just have no empathy or compassion for my sister right now.

Zaph

Threads merged

tommy21

Based on even your name in your updated post, you seem to feel guilty (possibly subconciously) about not feeling sympathetic (or more sympathetic) to your sister's plight. You shouldn't. It's your choice how you respond and even more importantly, how you let it affect you. Of course you feel angry and more so betrayed after you and your parents put so much work into helping her clean up. Your reaction is natural but not having been in the same situation, I'm not sure what else to say. I guess for the two weeks make it clear that your in charge in the house and avoid her as much as possible, this is what I would do. Go to the job interview and do whatever you can to clear your mind going in, be this a run a few hours before, trying meditation or just doing something you really enjoy that you can immerse yourself in to relax yourself. Above all, don't let it spoil your chances. Your angry and upset and have a right to be and it might seem impossible to know the way forward, but at least you can control some portions of your life and actively work on improving it (e.g. securing a job). Tough story to read about and I wish you luck.

banquo

It's heroin. It's sad, but reason doesn't come into it. She needs to be locked in a room for a long time until she's off it. It's the only way outside of going into (expensive) rehab. She will lie and steal and cheat to feed this addiction. Make all the threats you want, but it goes no way towards curing her.

LegacyUser

Tommy21, as soon as I read your post, I knew why I posted my story to begin with: I guess I've felt quite isolated from other people because of all this, as I was certain that virtually no one else would react the way I did. Apparently my feelings aren't as out-there as I thought, and that is quite comforting. Thank you for your post.

Banquo, I think I'll leave the act of getting her off smack to people that know what they're doing, but thanks anyway. I've heard that such an approach often results in people taking massive doses as soon as they get free (having convinced their 'captor' that they're clean) and dying on the spot. I know the regular route obviously hasn't worked thus far, but I'm not about to take drastic measures myself. One thing that I might try is pointing out to her that her testimony will be required to put her father away, and that if a defense lawyer were to tell a jury that she is a heroin user, then no one would believe a word she had to say. The b*stard would then go free, and it would be her fault. I honestly think that such an approach might work.

sam34

beth-lou wrote: »

Kevstar, do you know how to go about putting someone into psychiatric care against their will. If this was an option it might be worth looking at because we are totally lost at the moment.

to put someone into psychiatric care against their will, there are certain criteria that have to be met.

the law is black and white that someone cannot be detained purely because thay have alcohol and /or drug problems/addictions. they would also have to have a mental illness and because of that mental illness be a danger to themselves or others.

so, if they have an illness such as mild depression, which poses no risk to themselves, but use drugs and are therefore at risk, the mental helath act cant be used under those circumstances.

the best bet is to start with a gp, discuss the issues with him/her and they can advise on whether or not detention is a suitable option.

Das Kitty

banquo wrote: »

It's heroin. It's sad, but reason doesn't come into it. She needs to be locked in a room for a long time until she's off it. It's the only way outside of going into (expensive) rehab. She will lie and steal and cheat to feed this addiction. Make all the threats you want, but it goes no way towards curing her.

Rubbish.

No one ever gets off heroin unless they really really want to. They need to be at the stage where they'd crawl on their hands and knees to the other side of the country to get off it.

OP, you should move out of home. Seriously.

What age is your sister by the way? If she's over 18 try to convince your parents to be cruel to be kind and put her out. She's never going to want to give up with somewhere nice to live and her bills paid.

LegacyUser

Das Kitty, moving out is of course an option, but it's not an option I want to take at this stage. I can commute to work within an hour, and I get on really well with my parents. I'm on a great career path, although my current job pays quite poorly, and if I get this new job (which will be doing exactly the same thing as I'm currently doing, just for more money) then I'll have a great career and a good job. I'm saving as much as I can for a place of my own, and I see myself buying an apartment in about one year. I have a girlfriend and a great social life. Basically, everything is great in my life right now apart from this one (BIG) thing. Why mess with a winning formula? I'll be out soon enough anyway, but into a place of my own rather than renting. Do you mind if I ask why you think I should move out, in case I'm missing your reasoning?

My sister is 25. I think my folks reckon that if they kick her out, they'll be throwing roses on her coffin soon enough. I'd agree with that assessment. Last night, I was actually wondering if I'd ever see her alive again. Her car was there this morning, although it was gone again by the time I came back from a walk.

Das Kitty

If you're not going to move out you just have to put up with it. There's nothing you can do.

I know what you're parents are feeling (similar situation with my brother) but they're just keeping her on the stuff by keeping her comfortable at home. The grave is at the end of the path whether they keep her in the house or not, but a shock to the system is what she needs to change the path. It's harsh but it's the only way.

havana

OP have you considered yourself or you parents going to a family support group. Sometimes they can be useful, talking to others in similiar circumstances, hearing the actions they took to try deal with the issues. If you google citywide they will have more info. They are a network of family support groups. Even if you don't want to attend meetings they will probably have useful advice.

It may be a cliche but It's cos it's true- until your sister wants help there is little you can do for her. But you can get support yourself and maybe some tools to support her. I work with drug users and one of the hardest things is what to say to families that ring for advice. All i can really advice is to look after yourself first and foremost.