Can a woman in her early 40's start again?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I need some advice please. I am 42 with no real friends and cant see any future for me. Cant bear to think that this is it for the next 30 years. My last relationship ended when I was 30 and I have not had a serious relationship since then (please dont laugh). I found my boyfriend with my best friend in bed together. I packed my bags and left them to it. I found out later that she was pregnant and I cant tell you how gutted I was. I moved back with my parents which was a big mistake. After what happended I found it very hard to trust people and never really opended up to anyone after that. I felt safe at home and nobody could hurt me there. I should never have gone home as it was hard to move on there. I looked after my parents when they both got cancer (my mother had 2 different cancers and lost her battle in the end). But my father recovered. I only left home when I was 41 (please dont laugh) as I know how patetic it is. I have now bought my own apartment at the grand old age of 42. I am trying to start a life for myself and had to leave my father to it as I could not cope with his anger at my mother dying. I feel selfish but desperate to have a life of my own. To make matters worse I have just found out that I cant have any children as I have just started the menopause which is why I dont see a future. Cant have kids so who would want me? I am completely devastated and dont see a way forward. I have always wanted children and feel I have wasted my life. I feel like someone pass it now. So whats left? me and the tv? my friends are only interested in going go the cinema or having meals. No fun conversations. Just have go listen about their kids etc etc etc. So me and the tv for company in the evenings. Where could I meet people to be friends with do you think. I have lost a lot of my confidence but need to find a life for myself. Please can anyone advise me. So sorry for ranting on for so long but feel lost.

newname

You may or may not be able to have children I don't really know, but don't let that put you off pursuing a relationship. There are plenty of men out there who are not looking for children; single men who have no desire to start a family, divorced or seperated men who already have children and don't want anymore. On the other hand there are plenty of men who would be happy to try and start a family, either naturally or through adoption. Keep looking, keep positive and good luck with it.

Karen_*

People of any age can and do start again OP and you're still young really. What do you like doing? I recently joined a musical society and there are people well into their fifties in it. I'm going along to tango classes too and there are people in their forties at it. Is there anything you've always wanted to take up? The hardest part is the fist bit of walking into somewhere where you know noone.

Its great that you've got your apartment. You got there in the end didn't you? Its not easy to own anything with the way the house prices are today. So well done you!!

There are plenty of men out there who don't want kids or who already have them and are separated.

You're far from past it and you've alot of living left to do. You need to get into the attitude and mindset that you deserve to be happy as does anyone no matter what age they are. Come along to a boards beers even?

Firetrap

OP, first off, congratulations for striking out on your own. You've been through a tough time. Perhaps when your parents got sick, you'd have been as good as living at home with them anyway. I hope you'll never regret helping them through their illnesses.

I once heard someone who had a handicapped child saying that having the kid was like taking a flight to Amsterdam or somewhere but ending up in Brussels. It's not what you set out to do but Brussels will do fine. Don't define yourself as someone who can't have kids. You can live a fulfilling life without children.

You're still a woman who's got a lot to offer. I've a friend in her early forties who'd run rings around me (I'm in my early thirties) and lives a very full life. It's getting to the time of year when people start looking at night classes and that sort of thing. Also, lots of clubs/societies are starting up again after the summer. It's a great time for you to look into taking up a new hobby. Most people are always open to making new friends too.

Don't rule out meeting someone who's not bothered whether you can have kids or not. Not everyone has the burning urge to reproduce the species.

Liam Byrne

Cant have kids so who would want me?

VERY negative view. There are lots of people who don't want kids, and there are lots of people - like me - who aren't sure because in today's Ireland it'd be VERY tough to pay their way and give them a decent life.

And you're better off without that b/f, that's for sure.

And if you can find somewhere on Ireland's social scene where you can have fun conversations without getting hammered or meeting only superficial posers, count me in! I'll be there in a heartbeat.

Basically, loads of people go through this - only had a conversation with a 30-something friend of mine last night where we were out and she said she couldn't "compete" with the 20-somethings that were in the club, and I had to remind here that she was probably a million times better than most* of them - the "whatever" generation, dressed to kill, shallow, vacuous and probably settling for a "10 to 2" pull just to get laid.

*Disclaimer: Most. Not all.

sunnyside

First of all you have already started again. That happened when you bought the apartment.

You ask "is this it" for the next 30 years. 30 years is an awfully long time, definitely long enough to have many more happy times.

Looking after your parents through their illness was such a wonderful thing to do. I'm sure your very glad you did that.

Not all men want children. There are loads who don't especially men in their 40's who might have children from previous relationships. If you met somebody like that you'd probably have their children in your life to some extent. Perhaps you could adopt or do foster care if you really want children in your life.

You say you have friends you can go out with but they aren't people you have much in common with. The positive thing about this is that you obviously have the social skills to go out and meet people so that's going to help.

You've said what you don't want to do in the evenings but what would you like to do?

As I don't know you it's difficult to suggest where you could meet people. Some options-online dating, the dances in hotel ballrooms and dancehalls all over the country, join a book-club, do some voluntary work with the local vincent de paul or other charity that interests you.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to say thanks for all the replies. Spending too much time on my own and just feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the arse.

I would never for a minute regret looking after my parents and if I had to I would do it again.

My friends upset me the other night. They talk like we are all past it. I told them the other night that I would love to join some sort of a drama group. They said that it would be only for younger people. Anyway I am looking forward to September as all the night courses will be starting. I would be very interested in voluntary work, thats a good idea as I would like to make a difference.

Thanks again, advice much appreciated. Just needed some positive feedback. It's very uplifting.

decies

Send me a pm would like to have a chat with you.Kind of know where your coming from .

herya

I'd say that you have loads of options in front of you and you may very well find a soul mate - or not, and just enjoy life on your own. Fair play to you for being with your parents when they needed you!

Your friends are absolutely wrong about the "for younger people" activities. I know for sure that in tango classes, yoga classes etc there are people of all ages and shapes. If you want a group to talk to, your drama group idea sounds absolutely reasonable. Reading clubs maybe?

Good luck with your new life!

LegacyUser

Hi decies,

Sorry but I dont know how to send you a pm. I clicked on your name but it did not give me the option to send you a pm message.

Marksie

Quest wrote: »

Hi decies,

Sorry but I dont know how to send you a pm. I clicked on your name but it did not give me the option to send you a pm message.

You will have to register

DJ_Spider

I was like you OP, I am now 42, but 2 1/2 years ago I was in a relationship that sort of fizzled out. We decided to separate but really if I was honest we were using eachother, she would call me and say she was coming over and meet here for a drink etc. We should have split completly and that would have been better.

But now I have moved to Ireland and am going to stay. (sorry!!) If I am honest I would have liked to have children, but I am not mature enough or financially stable enough to give them what they need. Mrs Spider doesn't have any kids and doesn't want any. She does like children, but only if she can give them back!

So OP, there is plenty of time, my uncle didn't get married until he was 70!

Karen_*

Quest wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I just wanted to say thanks for all the replies. Spending too much time on my own and just feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the arse.

I would never for a minute regret looking after my parents and if I had to I would do it again.

My friends upset me the other night. They talk like we are all past it. I told them the other night that I would love to join some sort of a drama group. They said that it would be only for younger people. Anyway I am looking forward to September as all the night courses will be starting. I would be very interested in voluntary work, thats a good idea as I would like to make a difference.

Thanks again, advice much appreciated. Just needed some positive feedback. It's very uplifting.

Well if you go to plays at all you'll see that there are parts for all ages and so therefore a drama group will be same. I'd love to join one and I'm 33. And the musical society is great fun.

Don't let people put you in a box OP. You can do whatever you want to do. A couple of seventy year olds went to electric picnic last year. You're entitled to live your life for the duration of it. Act like you're dead when you're dead and don't mind other people.

SarahMc

I have a couple of single female friends in their early 40s who are having a blast on-line dating (one of whom has met her match).

Most of the men are separated/dicorced, so although perhaps you may never be a biological mother, you may make a great step-mother. I'm not sure I'd announce your intention to go on-line to your friends, they don't exactly sound like positive, supportive go-ahead people!

Make sure to be safe and take common sense precautions though.

newestUser

Quest wrote: »

My friends upset me the other night. They talk like we are all past it. I told them the other night that I would love to join some sort of a drama group. They said that it would be only for younger people.

I've heard 25 year olds come out with stuff like that. I thought they were being ridiculous.

Trinity

40 is the new 30, didnt you hear

The world is your oyster it really is. I am so sorry about your past relationship, what a horrible thing. But dont let it ruin your faith in love, or men, there are some good ones out there and tbh someone your own age would be a nice mature age, someone with a bit of direction and knowledge of the world.

You have done your time being alone and looking after your parents its time to sit down and think about what you want, where you want to go,

BTW dont mind your friends, and why would anyone laugh at you?

You need to change your perception of not only yourself but the world. You are an independant woman, your own home, a big heart obviously! You have a lot to offer someone and christ 42 is nothing, you have so many opportunities if you find the courage within yourself to say fcuk it i am going for it.

I am sorry about the children, that was cruel as it is quite an early menopause, but everything happens for a reason. have you ever considered adoption? I know its not the same as having your own but you seem like such a nice person it may be something to consider in the future.

In the meantime get some hobbies, go to your drama classes, go to museums and get out and meet people. There are singles nights to consider also.

But anyway you have to put yoursefl out there, Mr Right wont knock on your door while you are watching TV - well unless Mr Right happens to be the pizza delivery guy :P

sryk

of course u can..there's no age to strt afresh..so go for it..and give a damn care abt othres opinion..uv got only 1 lfe so live it to the max..cheers;)

Bog Man

Last year I was
(A) In an awful marriage with an awful woman
(B) Father to two unhappy children
(C) No forseeable future
(D) After my wife left, working 2 jobs to pay her off for her share of the family home
(E) No social life - No fun
(F) 44 years old & no oil painting

Earlier this year I was introduced to a woman 9 years my junior and VERY pretty. We got on very well. Now we live together. She is a better parent to my kids than their natural mother. I got a second chance and got lucky, so did my kids.

You are 42 yo with no baggage. You have all the potential needed for a really great life. Maybe your friends are over the hill, doesnt mean you are though!
Chin up & Best Wishes

trio

Well fair play to you for starting over and getting out of home - can't have been easy (I can imagine the emotional blackmail) but you did it. Seriously, give yourself a pat on the back for that.

It's difficult to get started in a new life - but I think the main thing is to join clubs. Don't just join one either, join several! Try to get about three nights out of seven out and about. Really mix it up. I highly recommend some sort of dance class - you always feel fantastic afterwards.

Let your old fart friends continue moulding themselves into that nice cosy rut they've created for themselves. You on the other hand, are not in a rut. You may think you are - but you're not.

You just moved out on your own. You haven't had time yet to develop much of a rut! At the moment it's the T.V. and you, but that's one of the easier habits to break.

Get out there! Your life is about to start!

Beruthiel

Quest wrote: »

My friends upset me the other night. They talk like we are all past it.

Past what?
Until you are actually dead, you're past nothing.
You potentially have another 40 years ahead of you, what would you like to do with it?

I told them the other night that I would love to join some sort of a drama group.

Then join one!

They said that it would be only for younger people.

How very narrow minded of them.

Free your mind woman, once you start thinking that you are past things just because of your age, then you're already half dead imo.

RedXIV

I'm into my martial arts myself and only last year did we take in a 55yr old woman to start her learning. And she's without a doubt, one of the most popular people in the club.

My uncle got married at 45, was practically a hermit until the year before.

you are nowhere near past it lass, in fact, you're at a stage now where you know what you want and you have nothing holding you back. Your happiness is very easy to achieve, the only person that can stop you is you.

best of luck OP

Red

Judes

Hey Quest!

Haven't you heard that "Life begins at 40"............

I'm 44 in a few weeks time, single and life is great. I spent 11 years in London, came back here end of '99 - my choice - but basically had to "start again" because my friends were all married, children, settled and set in their ways. I was used to being single and having fun in London and there was a really different attitude here.

But in the years since I've returned, I've joined a political party and do voluntary work at a theatre, I've met so many interesting and fun people and my social life is just brilliant. My friends are all ages and from all walks of life. I also bought a house. I learned to drive. Then I was "dared" to go on-line by all my old London buddies, so I did and met a wonderful man, one week before my 40th birthday and we're still madly in love. I can't have children either, medical reasons, but what the hell, if everyone had children, we'd be living on a very over-populated planet.

Do get involved in a drama group, if acting scares you, then set building, props, costumes, there's always something to do and any group will be happy to have volunteers help out.

The other thing I've found over the years, all those happy families you or I may have envied,well, quite of few of them are now proceeding towards Divorce Courts. You just don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

And my parting note about living on your own - "not having to share the remote control..................." You start having fun, it's your turn!!! JUDES X

mbren

Hey OP, just read your profile there and you seem really down. Firstly, i'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mother, I hope you get through it.
Secondly, in relation to the title of your post, you can do anything you want to do...you just have to believe in it yourself.

Perhaps you should consider seeing some sort of therapist to help you gain more confidence in yourself. I was lacking confidence in a big way last year and I saw a wonderful therapist who really helped me and now I am comfortable in my own skin and making a good stab at life!

Finally, all i'd say is. try not to worry about your situation too much and instead have some fun. It might sound like a hard thing to do but you'll manage it!

If you want me to put you in touch with a therapist, just private message me and i'll pass on the details.

Take care ;-)

jackdaw

Quest wrote: »

Hi guys,

I need some advice please. I am 42 with no real friends and cant see any future for me. Cant bear to think that this is it for the next 30 years. My last relationship ended when I was 30 and I have not had a serious relationship since then (please dont laugh). I found my boyfriend with my best friend in bed together. I packed my bags and left them to it. I found out later that she was pregnant and I cant tell you how gutted I was. I moved back with my parents which was a big mistake. After what happended I found it very hard to trust people and never really opended up to anyone after that. I felt safe at home and nobody could hurt me there. I should never have gone home as it was hard to move on there. I looked after my parents when they both got cancer (my mother had 2 different cancers and lost her battle in the end). But my father recovered. I only left home when I was 41 (please dont laugh) as I know how patetic it is. I have now bought my own apartment at the grand old age of 42. I am trying to start a life for myself and had to leave my father to it as I could not cope with his anger at my mother dying. I feel selfish but desperate to have a life of my own. To make matters worse I have just found out that I cant have any children as I have just started the menopause which is why I dont see a future. Cant have kids so who would want me? I am completely devastated and dont see a way forward. I have always wanted children and feel I have wasted my life. I feel like someone pass it now. So whats left? me and the tv? my friends are only interested in going go the cinema or having meals. No fun conversations. Just have go listen about their kids etc etc etc. So me and the tv for company in the evenings. Where could I meet people to be friends with do you think. I have lost a lot of my confidence but need to find a life for myself. Please can anyone advise me. So sorry for ranting on for so long but feel lost.

Of course , 42 is still young these days ..

Gone West

What exactly do you mean by start again?
I think you might have to make more sweeping changes than joining a drama group.

TheDriver

Not the end of the world OP, even though you suggest having children is a massive requirement of a relationship, you would be shocked at how many people do not actually want children.
You need to get out and about, and I mean NEED. Otherwise, things will only get better. And to do that, you need to meet people and a brilliant way is to try internet dating, (don't laugh). I was like you, except younger maybe but it has gotten me out and about and now seeing a wonderful girl.
Best of luck, hope it works out for u

Flamed Diving

Quest wrote: »

Hi guys,

I need some advice please. I am 42 with no real friends and cant see any future for me. Cant bear to think that this is it for the next 30 years. My last relationship ended when I was 30 and I have not had a serious relationship since then (please dont laugh). I found my boyfriend with my best friend in bed together. I packed my bags and left them to it. I found out later that she was pregnant and I cant tell you how gutted I was. I moved back with my parents which was a big mistake. After what happended I found it very hard to trust people and never really opended up to anyone after that. I felt safe at home and nobody could hurt me there. I should never have gone home as it was hard to move on there. I looked after my parents when they both got cancer (my mother had 2 different cancers and lost her battle in the end). But my father recovered. I only left home when I was 41 (please dont laugh) as I know how patetic it is. I have now bought my own apartment at the grand old age of 42. I am trying to start a life for myself and had to leave my father to it as I could not cope with his anger at my mother dying. I feel selfish but desperate to have a life of my own. To make matters worse I have just found out that I cant have any children as I have just started the menopause which is why I dont see a future. Cant have kids so who would want me? I am completely devastated and dont see a way forward. I have always wanted children and feel I have wasted my life. I feel like someone pass it now. So whats left? me and the tv? my friends are only interested in going go the cinema or having meals. No fun conversations. Just have go listen about their kids etc etc etc. So me and the tv for company in the evenings. Where could I meet people to be friends with do you think. I have lost a lot of my confidence but need to find a life for myself. Please can anyone advise me. So sorry for ranting on for so long but feel lost.

Everyone seems to be giving the same advice I would, so I'm just going to give ya a hug.

*hug*

Take heed in the fact that you are looking for help, that shows you are not giving up. That shows strength, even if you dont feel that way.

Marksie

I'm 44, getting ready to start a new career, know some wonderful people. Making plans, looking forward.
But it only happened becasue i chose to make it happen.
Same with you.... Its all in your hands.

The only gesture you should make towards the naysayers is two fingers as you swan off on your adventures

Nevyn

I would suggest OP you make a list of 10 things you want to do or places you want to go before you die and make it happen, and keep adding to the list or making new ones.

What we contribute to life and to society has nothing to do with having kids, what do you want out of life, what are you willing to do ?

not yet

4yrs ago life ended...or so I thought, my 20 year relationship ended.

The one thing I held onto were friends. believe me your life is not over...

Get interested in something..anything.

life has so much to offer even if your 62.

good luck and keep positive.

Judes

Hi again Quest - there is some fantastic advice here from a lot of caring and encouraging people. I think Thaedydal's advice re. the list is fantastic. I heard that years ago and that was one of the things I did when I returned to Ireland - a list of 5 things - and when I ticked off the 5th thing (learning to drive) I was so excited to have achieved the final thing on the list - but at the same time felt a type of anti-climax - "that's the list completed", soooo, I made another list!!! It's like a challenge to myself and whenever I do tick things off my list - be them ever so small, it feels just great!!!

Another poster suggested counselling - and I know several friends who have sought counselling over the years which has really helped them and will help you, especially the grieving process for your mother, past love and personal years lost.

So counselling or personal development course, get the pen and paper out and make your list and you will fulfil your own personal quest. Best of Luck. J X

AARRRGH

You can absolutely start again. You just need a role model to inspire you.

Look at Hollywood - age means nothing to the actors over there. So many of them reinvent themselves in their 40's a 50's. Yes, they might have a lot of money, but that doesn't change what age they are.

LegacyUser

I would say that men in their forties expecting to meet woman of the same age group do not expect to have children. Fourteen months ago I was a man who hadn't had a serious relationship since the 1980s and I didn't believe I would ever meet anyone. But I kept plugging away on the online dating and met someone wonderful, about OPs age. Perhaps we won't have kids, but I can see a life together all the same.

Dave147

I don't think I can top the advice thats been given, it's top notch. The only reason I am posting is because I think you sound like such a great person, rare to find, your last boyfriend didn't realise how lucky he was, your next boyfriend will. Good luck with the future, maybe get involved with these boards as a registered user, you sound like you have alot to offer