feel free to add some verses(beware of content)

Cullo

Been to all sorts of places, so many different places,
People locked in padded cell's, ****ed out of there faces,
I'v seen rapist's and racist's all sorts of headcase's,
wont you give us a better world lord, Oh wont ye take us

http://www.myspace.com/cullobeats

Cullo

I wasted my life I know I wasted my teens,
Im twenty six now wishin Iz still sixteen,
maybe focusin on a dream, and not seen what I seen,
I saw peodophiles in prisons gettin treated like kings,

Now thats a sick thing but beleive me its true,
you wouldn beleive half the ****, that these eye's of mine viewed,
sick people i knew, with there twisted views,
the type of sick people you only see on the news....


Anyone else....

feedback is always welcomed....

Cullo

....its not a life I would choose, it was choosen for me,
like the poor ol'sod kippin rough on the streets,
no beds or clean sheets, no clothes in suit cases,
just the memory of a life in which he still chases....

....and he's never gonna make it and nether am I,
am i chasin a dream, am I livin a lie,
am i wastin my time, writtin these rhymes,
am I searchin for a life, I know I'm never gonna find....

Cullo

Glad yous all like my words!!

bukman

stop crying and get on with it

pseudonym1

Dont think you sound like your crying whinging perhaps but imho its cool- more elequent and honest then most people are capable of being.. Especially men ( previous post prime example)

Take up a course maybe in writing see what feed back they can give you!

Anyway even if nobody else likes personal poetry - it is a nice way to vent emotions.

I nominate you to write a more optimistic one though!

Cullo

bukman wrote: »

stop crying and get on with it

your not very bright are you man?? it's an anti goverment verse, from a track on my album. tut tut tut

nice one pseudonym1, i know wat you sayin but that was jus a topic for that track...here somethin abit more light hearted....

Im so greatful, for all the things in my life,
greatful I have the talent to be able to sit down and write,
keep my words tight, yeah keep my words flowin,
keep in the right direction so i know where im goin,
cos my girlfriend is showin, shes pregnant again,
to me its the start of the begining not the begining of the end,
im not gonna pretend, to be somethin im not,
not gonna run of on my kids and let my kids rot,
im just not, i just want my kids to know there father,
sure i cant go one day without seen my own daughter,
cos im greatful I have, my family and my friend,
im happy with the life i choose it never depends,
I dont have to pretend, iv no regrets,
dont get better than this, this is as good as it gets,
and im willing to bet, its the right path that iv taken,
and im greatful for what i have and the music that im makin

I cover any topic i feel like writin about and has some sort of meaning so maybe Bukman hase just had a life like a bed of roses and never had to expearence things I write about or feel strongly about, maybe he should see that the world is not full of happy little homes and that there is societys that have issues like homeless people and rapists.....twat.

thanks for readin tho, pseudonym1, appriciated!!

Insect Overlord

Ok Cullo, you asked for feedback, so here's a few of my opinions on what you've posted here.

• The world already has one Eminem. Both your style and your subject matter have been seen before. If you want to make a notable impact then you'd better find a more original form of delivery.
• While the performance/oration of these pieces would probably sound ok, reading them from a computer screen is not so. Your punctuation needs a lot more effort if you want people on this board to take you seriously. Apostrophes, capital letters and spell checking would really add to your writing's readability.
• Focusing too much on the rhyming scheme can have an adverse effect on the rhythm of a piece, and vice versa. Unfortunately this shows in some parts of your last post. The flow of the words is lost. It just seems too forced.
• Bukman's post was insensitive and inappropriate. He shouldn't have said what he said. Your response to his comment was even worse. Recognise time-wasters, ignore what they say, and focus on your writing instead of posting personal abuse.

bukman

Sorry if you think Iam insensitive I'm anything but,
its the last two lines that made me think you've thrown in the towel, in this life one must never give up, so when i said "stop crying and get on with it" i thought you might get it.............

Sarky

Everyone kiss and make up now, please.

Cullo, I take an extremely dim view of personal abuse on this forum. Cut it out. I'm in a good mood tonight, so you get a warning.

Cullo

An Fhile wrote: »

Ok Cullo, you asked for feedback, so here's a few of my opinions on what you've posted here.

• The world already has one Eminem. Both your style and your subject matter have been seen before. If you want to make a notable impact then you'd better find a more original form of delivery.
• While the performance/oration of these pieces would probably sound ok, reading them from a computer screen is not so. Your punctuation needs a lot more effort if you want people on this board to take you seriously. Apostrophes, capital letters and spell checking would really add to your writing's readability.
• Focusing too much on the rhyming scheme can have an adverse effect on the rhythm of a piece, and vice versa. Unfortunately this shows in some parts of your last post. The flow of the words is lost. It just seems too forced.
• Bukman's post was insensitive and inappropriate. He shouldn't have said what he said. Your response to his comment was even worse. Recognise time-wasters, ignore what they say, and focus on your writing instead of posting personal abuse.

Thank you for reading it man, but 1st of all,

• The world has enough poets and always has....so whats the point in you writing any of the stuff you write? and will you get a life with your Eminem please and why dont you try listen to a track before you start talkin about delivery.
• While writing these words, I was'nt thinking of how they would look on a computer screen becouse they are not ment for a computer screen. Whilst my apostrophes, capital letters and spell checking may not always be up to standard for you sir, I will most certainly try harder for you in the future :D
• Unfortunately, focusing on the rhyming scheme is what I do. I'm sorry if this is not the type of Creative writing that you like but there are many forms of Craetive writing other than the ones you like, this would be one of them, and trust me the timing works perfect!!;)
• I would hadly call "twat" personal abuse but I would consider it "inappropriate" just as was Bukmans. So what comes around goes around I guess, but judging by some post's that you have posted on other topic's, it looks like you likr dishing it out too, so why do you care? It's also very hypocritical of you, so please don't do it;)

No problem at all Bukman!! I suppose I probably shoudn put up 1 verse out of 3 really! as you only get the start of it, without the middle and the end!! that was just a topic I wrote about, I dont just write about things like that ether, I wrote about alot of different topics, I just like that peace and it is one of the more simplistic ryhmes I had.

Sorry Sarky, will watch my choice of words.

Insect Overlord

Cullo wrote: »

Thank you for reading it man, but 1st of all,

• The world has enough poets and always has....so whats the point in you writing any of the stuff you write? and will you get a life with your Eminem please and why dont you try listen to a track before you start talkin about delivery.
• While writing these words, I was'nt thinking of how they would look on a computer screen becouse they are not ment for a computer screen. Whilst my apostrophes, capital letters and spell checking may not always be up to standard for you sir, I will most certainly try harder for you in the future :D
• Unfortunately, focusing on the rhyming scheme is what I do. I'm sorry if this is not the type of Creative writing that you like but there are many forms of Craetive writing other than the ones you like, this would be one of them, and trust me the timing works perfect!!;)

• I have a life, but that's not relevant to this discussion. I used to be a big fan of Eminem's material, the fact that I compared your work to his was a compliment of sorts. The problem is that your audience will automatically think of the songs Mathers wrote for his daughter if they were to read what you posted here . I have my own reasons for writing what I write. One of those is that I find writing therapeutic. It helps me deal with the things in my head in a positive, constructive manner. You know, as opposed to telling internet strangers to get a life. :cool:
• It's funny that you referred to me as "sir" in your second point there, I'm actually training to be a teacher! The whole spelling and grammar thing isn't too important really. I know none of that needs to be perfect when you're performing it. However, when you look for feedback on written material, that's what you'll get: opinions from people who are used to dealing with the written word, usually well-presented. (Admittedly not so usual on Boards though )
• As I mentioned before I have no particular dislike for rap, or "this type of creative writing". Yes, I do prefer others such as poetry and prose. From my experience of reading, writing and studying poetry I've found that there are far more effective writing-tools than rhyme. Whether or not you want to encorporate them is down to you. I just thought I'd offer the suggestion.

Cullo wrote:

I would hadly call "twat" personal abuse but I would consider it "inappropriate" just as was Bukmans. So what comes around goes around I guess, but judging by some post's that you have posted on other topic's, it looks like you likr dishing it out too, so why do you care? It's also very hypocritical of you, so please don't do it;)

As for this :rolleyes:

The part in bold there is personal abuse. End of discussion.

The underlined quote just annoys me. I've been using this site for just about 2 years and I've never once been accused of personal abuse. I've involved myself in two or three heated debates in the Limerick City forum, but never resorted to name-calling. Prove me wrong if you think you can, but I'd advise you to spend more time revising your work and less time questioning my character.

You opened this thread a full month ago and had to bump it last week to get any kind of feedback at all. I tried to give you a little bit of constructive criticism. If you didn't like my advice all you had to do was say so. Based on the way you did respond, however, I'll be very, very surprised if anyone will offer you the same service again.

I, for one, won't be reading your posts again.

Sarky

Well hey, look at that, my good mood is over! This hypocrite will now ban the next person who doesn't discuss the original topic of this thread. If you really, desperately need to prove your points any further to eachother there's a PM system.

Cullo

Thats fine by me, and once again im sorry.

the topic reads "feel free to add" I was not seeking feedback tho it is always welcomed, I dont feel I went on the attack, I simply addressed his points that he made. I just wanted people to add some creative writting.

So to anyone, please feel free to do so.

etymon

I have to say I thought it all translates very well - quite fluidly - to the screen. I get the timing, like the lyrics, and it is different to other rappers because it's pure Dub. Love it!

Cullo

^^^thanks very much, I'm glad you like it and can grasp the whole concept of it and can see it as writting aswell as just rapping!!:)

after all, RAP = Rhythm And Poetry <<< true story!!!

Thanks again