Disaster

LegacyUser

Been living in England for the last four years, and have been going out with my g/f almost since I arrived.

We get on great together, are very close, have travelled together, and are very much in love.

Last year we had a big argument when I found out she had met her ex and hadn't told me about it. I've met him before and I got on grand with him and had never a problem with them meeting up, but her not being honest and telling me really hurt me. She said she didnt tell me because she didn't want to upset/hurt me.

Anyway, we got passed it. Last night I went to our room early to have a shower before bed. I was looking for a book I had started reading the week before, and saw a book on the floor. When I opened it up, I saw it was her diary. I wouldn't never read her diary for two reasons, firstly, its a real invasion of privacy, and secondly, generally speaking it always causes trouble.... ( I know it was wrong reading her diary and I hold my hands up to that one. Its not normally in my nature, and if I hadn't seen his name instantly, I would have closed it there and then)

However, when I opened the page I saw her ex's name. I read one page and it described how she had met him in a nightclub, how she argued with him about him ignoring her the last night they were out before, about him calling her after the nightclub and telling her he loves her, and how she wanted to meet her the next day but because I was around she couldn't...

she wrote that "I was her rock, how I had looked after her when she was sick the week before, but how she couldn't understand why she still wanted him to say he loved her..."

I was absolutely devastated after reading this. I went to have my shower shaking. When she came to bed I told her about it. We were both really upset and she claimed that after he had broken up with her she was really upset, and the reason she wanted him to love her/like her was vainity, and while she was commited to me, she just wanted to feel wanted/attractive..

The thing is that day, I had told her about 5 times how much I love her, and how beautiful she is. I do love her, look after her and want to be with her, BUT this has hurt me ssoooo much.

I want to believe her, but the thing is she is always on about the importance of trust and loyalty, and I'm asking myself where was the trust and loyalty to me?

Trinity

When did she write that?

I think there is a real lack of honesty here. The bit that gets me is if i was, which i wouldnt, keeping something like this from my partner, why the hell would i leave it left lying around? This is not even stuff people would write down in case it was found.

This girl sounds like she has issues. If you cant trust her then its not healthy. Everyones opinions vary on contact with exes but in this case, if they are more than friends even if its not physical, i would ask her to break contact. She needs him to love her? Why, she has you to love her, I personally would be worried if you are with her 4 years, meaning she broke up with this guy a long time ago its time she let him go and showed you some respect.

LegacyUser

she contends that because he broke up with her, for her own vanity she wanted him to say he loved her.

She offered not to see him again, but I don't want that. Trust isn't about her not seeing him, its about her being honest with me when she does..


I don't really know what to think...

Trinity

londonMan wrote: »

she contends that because he broke up with her, for her own vanity she wanted him to say he loved her.

She offered not to see him again, but I don't want that. Trust isn't about her not seeing him, its about her being honest with me when she does..


I don't really know what to think...

But you did trust her and she broke that trust. The only thing i suggest then is giving her another chance. I've been dumped, i am insecure, but i am not looking for any exes to tell me they love me, i look to my current partner for that, as hes the only person that counts in regards to whether or not he loves me.

I dont buy the whole vanity thing, i think its more insecurity. Her vanity has hurt you.

Its honourable that you dont want her to stop seeing him however if there is still an emotional attachment there, and i suspect there might be, then you are asking for trouble and it wont be long before your trust in her comes back to bite you in the ass.

After 4 years she really shouldnt give a fcuk if he loves her or not and she really shouldnt be playing games with either of you. Fighting with him, 'almost' arranging meetings behind your back but you are in the way as you were around, being upset over being ignored by him, taking calls in the middle of the night (i assume it was late if after the nightclub) and in the meantime keeping all this from you.

So i ask you the same question, where is the loyalty to you in this?

Is she a princess in other areas of her life or just when it comes to him?

I am not saying she will cheat on you btw.

Beruthiel

londonMan wrote: »

she contends that because he broke up with her, for her own vanity she wanted him to say he loved her.

I'm not buying it.
Why after four years with you would she give a damn what he thinks?
If she were totally happy with you and your relationship she wouldn't need this from him. She would have moved on and he would be nothing more than a vague memory from the past.
So the big question is; is she as happy with you as you are with her?
From her behaviour, I'd have to say no, she's not.

dlofnep

I don't understand why someone would write that in a diary. I don't get the whole diary thing. Anyone could read them. And they generally do. humans are a curious bunch. Save the claims of invasion of privacy - She had lied to you and you needed to confirm it. You got your confirmation.

She sounds like bad news. You know better than us, but I'd kick this one to the curb.

littlefriend

Has there ever been a story involving reading another persons diary that doesn't end badly? Also, I'll never understand what sort of moron writes a this kind of stuff and leaves it lying around to be found.

Anyway, I can totally understand why she would want to hear that he regrets how he treated her or that he was a fool to let her go - that she needs to hear he still loves her after 4+ years is a bit strange alright but people are strange in general.

I think its definitely an insecurity thing rather than vanity. He broke her heart and no matter how much love you give her its only really him that can take away the pain he caused her. [I'm not suggesting that this is a rational or adult way of thinking]. I think someone who is still of that kind of mindset is not ready to settle down.

Anyway, something lead you to that diary and I guess you should be glad that you read it, horrible as it is. It sounds like she is very immature and takes you and your love for granted. Is there any way you could get away from her for a week or so so that you can think? She needs to realise what she has in you and what she could lose. More importantly YOU need to realise can you accept her behaviour and move forward without bringing it up all the time. Unfortunately, these type of things are rarely isolated incidents - so be careful of your heart and be strong.

dlofnep

It's a bit of the old "want what you can't have" syndrome. I bet if this other lad was all over her, she wouldn't want him at all.

Jack B. Badd

londonMan wrote: »

When I opened it up, I saw it was her diary. I wouldn't never read her diary for two reasons, firstly, its a real invasion of privacy, and secondly, generally speaking it always causes trouble.... ( I know it was wrong reading her diary and I hold my hands up to that one. Its not normally in my nature, and if I hadn't seen his name instantly, I would have closed it there and then)

The bit in bold is a lie. If you woudn't ever read her diary then you wouldn't have read it regardless of seeing her ex's name instantly.
Entries in a diary are like the thoughts in someone's head. They're private, even if that person is your OH. You snooped into her private thoughts and it burned you. Tough.
Now, I find it a bit foolish (to say the least) that she left her diary in plain sight. However, she may have considered you to be trustworthy enough not to snoop. Apparently you're not. You really only have yourself to blame for this.
Nonetheless, the trust between you is broken or at least bruised - though I'd say she has more of a reason to feel betrayed than you do. Maybe you'll work it out, maybe not. Regardless, next time the opportunity arises, don't go reading other people's diaries unless you can deal with the not-so-pleasant consequences.

MagicMarker

I could probably get over this had you only been together a few months and they were together a couple of years..

But you've been together 4 YEARS!! She should not care at this stage how her ex feels.

Sorry, this is a dealbreaker for me. She would lose my trust and i don't think i could ever really believe how she really felt about me.