Porn fine, but "adult dating sites"?

Annie Bananie

I have a bf which likes to look at porn online. Which is more then fine by me as I do the same. Its nothing personal about porn to me.

But what about using the sites where you put an add out, like "hey pls come and cyb0r or **** me irl"? He claims its only for fun, and does not seem to think its an attempt to cheat. He says even though he told the girls he chat with he like to meet them for sex, he would never do it for real, it was just a part of the play. Still he kept it behind my back, which obviously makes me think it was meant to be for real.

Now I told him if he likes to "have fun" with other girls, he are free to do so, but then I will not be his girlfriend anymore. He says he is sorry and that he wants us to be together and will stop this. He said he loves me and he will take them accounts away.

Now to me all this is two things: cheating and a trust issue.
And Im not sure I can trust him anymore.

What you guys think? Porn is fine, but is this normal if you have a gf and are supposevly in love?

I just dont wanna the stupid girlfriend that buys everything her bf says.

Sherifu

Porn is one thing but putting an ad on a dating website is definitely wrong. I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

Trinity

I would be furious.

In my opinion there is nothing abnormal or normal, just everyone to their own for example swinging, threesomes etc. All fine and dandy as long as its what BOTH people want.

Never do anything you are not comfortable with and dont accept this behaviour if it upsets you. You have already told him to stop, you can take his word for it and move on with the relationship but there may be little niggly doubts so you will be on the look out.

If you dont trust him then its pretty serious as you will both be miserable.

Its up to you to decide if you trust him, if you do great. But if you catch him at it again i would head for the hills tbh.

Dave147

Do this and whatever you want when you are single, he is supposed to be committed to one woman, you. That is the point of a relationship. Let him watch porn, thats cool... But he should definitely not have an ad on an online dating site, it's despicable!

abitlonely

Annie Bananie wrote: »

He says even though he told the girls he
chat with he like to meet them for sex, he would never do it for real, it was
just a part of the play.

Would not be very impressed with this, but 'everyone deserves a 2nd chance'

anthony4335

I could understand if he was just looking ( curiosity we all have it ,mybe looking for some one they know and all that) ,but talking with them, this is a little too far. Also as far as I know most of these sites require you pay ,upgrade the standard accounts to allow you to e-mail etc. If you thrust him ,give him a chance but lay down the law that this is not acceptable ,

Miss Fluff

Porn and dating sites are poles apart. Porn is fantasy, talking to actual girls online and discussing meeting up for sex is real. I don't buy this bullsh1t of him telling them he will meet them and having no intention to do so, that's his version of events because you caught him at it. Can you trust him to actually not take it further?

Annie Bananie

Yes I would have understood too if he was curious, but he is paying for them (yes its more then one site). And besides that this bothers me, is the fact that he did not tell me about it. If he would have asked me "I like to go have a look at these sites, what they are like and about, would that be cool with you?" I would most likely had said yes.

But now when he didnt tell me about it and lied about what it was the first time I saw he been on one, makes me go "hmmmm"..

I think really the issue is I can ever trust him again. I just wanted to know if I was overreacting, but I guess its up to every person what you are ok with and not. And this was just not ok with me

abitlonely

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Porn and dating sites are poles apart. Porn is fantasy, talking to actual girls online and discussing meeting up for sex is real. I don't buy this bullsh1t of him telling them he will meet them and having no intention to do so, that's his version of events because you caught him at it. Can you trust him to actually not take it further?

Well said.

He's paying for this? To more than 1 site? I wouldn't take it personally at all,
it sounds like he'd be doing this no matter who his gf was.

No, you're not overreacting at all. I can't imagine anyone I know not
completely losing the head over this. It's a possible red card offence.
That said, the problem is his and if you want to get him over this and
build back up the trust, make it clear he's on v.thin ground.

anthony4335

You will have to decide if he is telling the truth. If you decide that he is not or that this is too much for you, say goodbye. There are more than enough guys out there that would be more than happy to be with you, (you sound like a very reasonable person). I am not a big believer of second chances in certain instances ,such as been faithful .

AARRRGH

What he was doing was not innocent. It was only a matter of time before he met someone else. He sounds like a cheater.

It's up to you if you can forgive and trust him. I don't think I could.

LadyE

IMO, Porn is fine, you dont have an issue with that, and so you shouldnt, who are to tell people what to watch. I wouldnt be too impressed with my boyfriend talking online in that way and telling girls that he would meet them for sex..I dont know, something a bit "real" about it.

Did you catch him at it, or did he tell you straight off?

LegacyUser

I was in a strangely similar situation with a guy I was seeing recently. I really thought I was overreacting or being a prude or something but seriously let's be realistic here. "Cybering" or whatever you want to call it is NOT the same as looking at porn. In my case I was finding messages from girls he had met on these sites on his bebo and myspace saying sorry they missed him when he was in their county (he was working away for a few weeks). It is completely a trust issue but IMO there is a fine line between talking like that to a girl online and going off and doing these things with her. Why would you feel the need to do that if you have a real live girl right there - sorry it actually makes me really uncomfortable.

thebaldsoprano

One of me mates is into these kind of sites big time, he has something of a myriad of 'girlfriends' many of who have a myriad of 'boyfriends', you get the idea...

If this kind of thing does it for you, grand, but if you're looking for what the rest of us would consider a relationship, get rid of him pronto...

LegacyUser

An ex girlfriend of mine was going through some problems , financially because of her business and personally because of her financial problems.
Well turns out that she was spending her time on adult dating sites ,which I beleive was the crux of the problem and the main reason her business went belly up leaving her facing bankruptcy. Her child was doing without while she made sure she had the money for her internet provider and subscription fees to these sites .She was craving the attention and having cyber sex . Also turns out she was having an affair with a married man she had met on on one of these sex dating sites , remember all this while I was trying to help her through her problems. You may ask how I know all this, well because I investigated and I am not as stupid as she liked to think. Anyway I discovered the disturbing truth. She had also used personal photographs we had taken and sent them on to these men. There is a lot of it going on out there and fair enough if your single and this is how you get your kicks , but if you are not and you beleive that you can get away with it then I am afraid it is just cheating. This girl was meeting these guys in hotels for sex and yes these guys are someones husband or boyfriend. The whole episode sickened me right to the core not the sexual aspect of it but the fact that someone was willing to lose everything they had for the sake of some seedy encounters along the way. Sex is a great thing but when it takes priority over your livelihood , love and friendship then that imo is sad. For all I know it may still be going on but I hope not as this girl has more to be worrying about than a cheap thrill along the way, the evidence is out there just log to any of these sites and see the number of people signed up to them , most I am sure are not single and their OH doesn't have an idea what they are up to. Anyway OP in my opinion these sites for some lead to heart ache as they can become an addiction of sorts and well you don't go on them unless your looking for something. Ultimately this girl is going to end up alone as she is not getting any younger and these encounters are never going to lead anywhere, not forgetting the risk from a health aspect , she was messing with my health as we were having unprotected sex while this was going on , you know what its like in a long relationship. I was been monogymous and working away while she was carrying this on . She was spending all her time on the internet either having cyber sex or arranging to meet blokes. She liked to advertise herself as a MILF , something most would associate with a porn site , well the word mother didn't really hit home as she has damaged her childs future with her impending bankruptcy.

Anyway I just thought I'd let you know where these sites can lead for some people .

Take care

LegacyUser

Hey. I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, sex life is good. But I'm kinda kinky and always liked the idea of group sex or being with a woman, or being photographed/videoed.

Just for kicks I took sexy pics of myself for my boyf, but I put some on a dating site and said I was looking for women. I got tons replies and comments I felt really sexy and turned on. Me sex life with my boyfriend got much hotter.

I told him I was interested in cyber/ cam2cam. He gave me some amateur sites to upload pics onto and we got a web cam and had sex on it and I cybered a few girls/ guys.

I lost interest after about 2 weeks though. But still turns me on thinking about it. It's a fantasy. I have no interest in meeting people for real. I just like to know that I could have anyone anytime.

Don't be offended. Different strokes for different folks.

Annie Bananie

kjhkho wrote: »

I told him I was interested in cyber/ cam2cam. He gave me some amateur sites to upload pics onto and we got a web cam and had sex on it and I cybered a few girls/ guys.
...
Don't be offended. Different strokes for different folks.

Yeah all that sounds cool to me
The difference is YOU TOLD HIM. He didnt tell me and when I asked he lied about it.


I want to thank all of you for all the replies. I have a lot of thinking to do and me and my bf have talked alot about this. A lot about what we are ok with that the other one is doing and not. Its a talk we should have had much earlier. Assuming your partner have the same attitude towards what cheating is and not, is a big mistake I have made. None the less, he could have handled it all better as well.

Time will tell if I can trust him or not and if I can get past this. But I seriously doubt the little voice in the back of my head will ever completely go away. We just have to see if its worth it or not.

Tragedy

Cheating is cheating, online or in real life *shrug*

DublinWriter

Annie Bananie wrote: »

What you guys think? Porn is fine, but is this normal if you have a gf and are supposevly in love?

Nope.

Talliesin

It's not unheard of for people to use dating sites as a form of pornography. Indeed, I know someone with the problem of not finding many people using her profile for anything but

So, he may not be cheating, just being a bloody nuisance to people trying to use the sites.

sryk

what ur bf is doing is absolutely wrong...so dnt get trapped by his words..that its jst for fun...hes simply fooling u..fyt for ur ryt as his gf.:)

MagicMarker

If i found out a girlfriend of mine was talking to guys on dating sites, talking about meeting for sex and presumably talking about sex, then i would see that as being unfaithful. You don't have to have sex to cheat.

I would not think twice about dumping them.

bennyblanco

MagicMarker wrote: »

If i found out a girlfriend of mine was talking to guys on dating sites, talking about meeting for sex and presumably talking about sex, then i would see that as being unfaithful. You don't have to have sex to cheat.

I would not think twice about dumping them.

+1,for me I wouldnt be into it at all,but if in fact they were hiding it from me?
No way,get rid

kayos

Sorry to hear that Annie, more the fool him.

Annie Bananie

kayos wrote: »

Sorry to hear that Annie, more the fool him.

Trust me, Im sorry too..

Oryx

When I read your first post I thought 'ok, hes doing it for the extra excitement he doesnt get from porn'. As Tallesin says, people do that without any intention of meeting up with those they chat to. Its an extra layer of excitement because those on the sites are real.

But your fella is paying, which shows a deeper level of commitment to what he is doing. Hes not idly messing about, hes really into this. As well as that, dealing with real people means that it can very easily slip from fantasy to reality even if that wasnt the initial intention.

Tread very carefully with this guy. Only you know him and know whether you can trust him, but if hes been devious once, he could very easily do it again when he gets bored or horny.

citeal

OP, my heart goes out to you & I mean that.


I discovered my ex had been talking to girls on Skype in the middle of the night when we were living together. I saw a couple of the saved conversations with my own eyes, I nearly puked, he seemed so sleazy & desperate. He had always portrayed himself as almost saintlike in his loyalty, he spoke about other guys having a harmless flirt at a bar with a girl with such contempt. I didn't even recognize the person having the conversations as the same man. One of them, he was obviously talking into the mike because she was sayign things back to him like "you sound so funny" and then "blush", I don't know why it made it worse that he was speaking outloud while looking at her picture but it did. These were taking place when I was asleep in bed. One of them had even been phoning the apartment. It sickened me.

But the absolute worst part was the deceit. The fact he was hiding things from me. It made me wonder what else there was. It turned out there was plenty!!

The only redeeming factor here is your partner has apologized & admitted it was wrong. Its up to you if you can forgive him & move on.

IMO when the trust is gone there's no relationship.