Sexlife Issues

LegacyUser

Don't know how to start this kind of thread...

Lets see, basically I'm having a little trouble with my sex life or lack thereof.

I've been with my current girlfriend for just over four years now, most of which were great but for the last few of months our sex life has reduced to a snails pace. To give you an idea, I bought a 12 pack of condoms last February and only finished them during the week.

The problem isn't that we don't see each other, we spend lots of time together.

To be honest I'm worried and I think she's had enough of me, so worried in fact that I brought up this issue. She assured me that she wasn't sick of our relationship but she had been contemplating how long we've been together.

Basically I'm getting rather fed up and I'm starting to think she isn't attracted to me anymore. It's hard for me to accept this especially since I lavish attention on her thus giving her security about my attraction to her.

Now we've always had differing sex drives but it was never this bad, it's gotten to the point where she doesn't even like showing affection towards me. For example if we were to sit in for an evening, if I don't give her a kiss or a cuddle she would quite happily sit on the couch beside me as if she was my sister!

So what am I to do? Any advice would be appreciated especially from inside the mind of a woman.

MagicMarker

Unreg123456123 wrote: »

Don't know how to start this kind of thread...

Lets see, basically I'm having a little trouble with my sex life or lack thereof.

I've been with my current girlfriend for just over four years now, most of which were great but for the last few of months our sex life has reduced to a snails pace. To give you an idea, I bought a 12 pack of condoms last February and only finished them during the week.

The problem isn't that we don't see each other, we spend lots of time together.

To be honest I'm worried and I think she's had enough of me, so worried in fact that I brought up this issue. She assured me that she wasn't sick of our relationship but she had been contemplating how long we've been together.

Basically I'm getting rather fed up and I'm starting to think she isn't attracted to me anymore. It's hard for me to accept this especially since I lavish attention on her thus giving her security about my attraction to her.

Now we've always had differing sex drives but it was never this bad, it's gotten to the point where she doesn't even like showing affection towards me. For example if we were to sit in for an evening, if I don't give her a kiss or a cuddle she would quite happily sit on the couch beside me as if she was my sister!

So what am I to do? Any advice would be appreciated especially from inside the mind of a woman.

You want sex, fair enough. But you asked her about it and she mentioned the above in bold. But you seem to have completely ignored it and gone back to the sex part.

You need to forget about the sex right now, and concentrate on the relationship, as it doesn't seem like you have one.

Of course i only have your initial post to go on, but i'm going to assume you're a young couple, or at least in your 20's but started off young. Unfortunately, you have to prepare yourself for the unexpected.

The lack of sex seems to be just the underlying issue. Talk to her, ask her what is on her mind, what does she mean by contemplating the length of the relationshi, but don't make it all about sex.

Overheal

I have to agree with Marker for a change.

If she's acting like your sister.... do have any notion what a brother sister relationship is? Well mines crap, anyway. Your relationship is crap if you have to compare it to your sister. Its bad.

Besides the sex, How is the relationship going?

Marksie

Looks like at the moment you are only going to get glimpses from the mind of men OP.
Frequently in Long Term relationships, complacency and routine sets in if one is not careful.
I sense that your g/friend is wondering where its going and whether this is what its to be.
The lack of spontaneous affection, is some cause for concern as it appears she has drawn away from intimacy altogether.

In essence you have lost the conenction that separates a couple in an open intimate relationship from every other type of relationship.

Your focus is agin on sex: The idea that the more sex you have= health of the realtionship.
She has different ideas, my guess is she sees it humdrumming along and is beginning to withdraw.

Now you can rediscover that connection and there are ways of revitalsiing the intimate health of the relationship which in turn will rebuild the sexual side.

You have to understand..no blame is being proportioned, but BOTH of you are as culpable as the others in allowing the drift to occur. This type of thing is almost always a two way process. In that both are faciltating each others behaviour.

You have brought this up and i wionder how..directly...but her answer is oblique but does give some justification for your worries.

So work on two principles:
1) you are responsible for your own happiness and unhappiness
2) If you want your partner to be an ecstatic or intimate lover. Become one yourself.

Long term posters here are pretty muhc aware of where i come from in this and what principles I am applying. So wouldn't be surprised at what I am saying.

So... let see if i can give you a little idea of what i am on about.
Based soley on your post.
When you sit in for the evening, telly on, dvd and glass of wine. You are esentially there but not present.

Take time out set a sexy (or sacred space). Switch the telly off, keep the msuic backgournd and low. and simply just be in each others presence. Look, drink each other in, talk, laugh. have no distractions. remenisc over good times..begin to reconnect to who you two are.
Not in thepast, for that is gone. but who you are NOW. How you ahve changed what you want.
really try and begin to look at each other as if for the first time.

Break the routine and express your emotions. You really ahve nothing to lsoe and everything to gain doing this.

You start this process, and draw her into it. Keep open and hopefully she will poen back.
The issues may come to the fore eventually so let them pass and accept them dont get defnesive.
But keep the idea in your head that in bearking routine and in attempting to reconnect you are doing what you can.


Do it openly and with no expectations that it will be returned right away, that is a hard concept in this consumerist ideals of love we have here (that to give something you must get something). Just express and be.

cee_jay

Unreg123456123 wrote: »

For example if we were to sit in for an evening, if I don't give her a kiss or a cuddle she would quite happily sit on the couch beside me as if she was my sister!

Your sexlife may have gone stale, but I think underneath it all your relationship itself is gone stale, especially if you are comparing her to being your sister.
Its quite an easy thing to happen, but not so easy to get out of imo.
The fact that she is thinking about how long you are together may indicate that she is thinking along these lines too.
I would suggest perhaps going away for a weekend. You need to bring the romance back into the relationship first of all.
Head away to some romantic getaway, just the two of you. You are looking for some quite, uninterrupted, time together. Perhaps go somewhere that might have a spa, schedule a massage together, and perhaps continue the massage later that night in your room?
But before you go you need to sit down and talk together, calmly. Discuss your worries regarding the relationship/sexlife. See if she is willing to bring it back on track.
Or perhaps, schedule a "date night". One night a week where you go on a date, like you used to when you first met, instead of sitting in front of the tv.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

MagicMarker is right in his assumption, we are a young couple. I'm 22 and she's 20 and we're both in college at the moment. Hope that info helps in any further advice.

You're probably right in saying that I shouldn't focus on the sex but when it's been three weeks a guy gets weak!

Our relationship in general over the years has been good, as with most people we have bad patches but the good times far out-weigh the bad overall.

The general feeling I get from her is that she enjoys some parts of the relationship and not others. For example if we do something or go somewhere at the weekend it's often her idea which shows she wants my company still, but I'm starting to think that that's all she wants from me. I think she enjoys the companionship and security she has with me and is happy to go along as long as she gets that from me.

Do you think I should confront her with my thoughts? Bearing in mind that she is quite head-strong and doesn't like to be told different than she's thinking.

LadyE

I would ask her what she wants from you, you say you're relationship is good, but everything (going out etc.) is on her terms, her ideas, you're going along with what she wants...and you barely get sex to boot!!

Can you put up with that forever?

Relationships are give and take, and it all seems one sided in my opinion. Talk to her, ask her not to say anything until your finished, or write it down for her. She'd have no choice but to listen then! And maybe have tme to reflect on how you feel!?

Piste

While you think that she's only interested in company and security and is rejecting you sexually it's equally possible that she feels as if you're only in it for the sex and don't enjoy her company any more.


Why don't you try and ask her that? Tell her you feel a bit rejected sexually and ask her if she feels she's being looked after company wise, maybe you need to strike a bit of a better balance. You say that it's always her idea to go places, it seems like she feels you're not making the effort to spend proper time together (not just being together, but enjoying each others company) and at the same time you feel like she;s not making te effort to keep your sexlife going.

So why don't you try doing something you both enjoy together, have a great laugh, enjoy each others company and get in a great mood then go back to one of your houses and round the day off with some fantastic sex- it's win win!