Girlfriend Moved to other side of the world :(

LegacyUser

a little over 3 months ago I met a girl out. I wasn't looking for a relationship as 19 months ago I came out of along ling relationship that left me scarred. I've had 2 serious relationships since that one. I found myself getting on really well with this girl. I didn't think at the start it would work as we come from fairly different backgrounds and have different personalities. I'm shy, introverted and not overly confident. She's very outgoing and oozes confidence.

Anyway things worked out well and we went from strength to strength. We have had an absolute blast. However, when I met the girl she said she was moving away for 2 years as she had secured a good job abroad and it was her dream to live in that part of the world This played on my mind as we got close but we agreed that as we loved each other we would keep it going. i was due to go traveling next year. She wants me to go to her in January and base myself near her as I travel.

She moved last weekend and I've been miserable since. She didn't get emotional heading away, she said this was her form of self preservation. We have spoken 3 times since she left. I'm wondering can this work. She is having a great time and has made loads of new friends already which is great. Meanwhile I'm sitting at home sobbing. I told her tonight that I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to be made a fool off. She said she loves me and wants us to stay together. She also said he can't guarantee that she won't hurt me just like I can't guarantee her. This comment has stuck in my mind. I do love this girl and desperately want us to work. I'd like to hear other people opinions on this. has anybody been in a similar situation? Can long distance relationships work? thanks.

LegacyUser

Well I know how u are feeling because I went through a LD relationship with my current boyfriend for much of the start of our relationship. I met him in say october and knew he would have to leave here in june but I could not let him go and vice versa. I feel like if you really love someone then you will put up with anything just to be with them. I would rather be doing a LD relationship and go a month or 2 without seeing him than not being with him at all. Having said that, he lives here now (though might be heading home for a few months soon- though thats a diff story). I dont know how I would have reacted if he said that he could nto guarantee that he wouldn't hurt me. With us it was all or nothing and 5 years on it is still good. If you feel you really really really want to be with this girl and you believe she feels the same, I say go for it. It will be hard and there are time you will miss her like CRAZZZZZZZY but, the feeling you get when you see her at the airport...well its the best feeling in the world!!!

good luck!

AARRRGH

In my experience, long distance relationships don't work. The fact that you've been together for such a short period of time (and let's be honest, you can't have developed truely deep feelings for each other in three months) I would think it's unlikely she'll be waiting for you in two years.

I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong, but it's unlikely.

axer

OP they can. I have been in one for most of my current 4 year relationship. Thats not to say it is easy. Far from it. Eventually one of ye will have to move to the other but you never know what will happen in between anyway.

For the type of distance you are talking about you would have to move to australia if you still want her but that is a big decision and risk. You couldn't really know her well enough in 3 months so maybe if you cannot handle it now then just break it off since it will hurt you more by staying in the relationship. Make the decision either way asap and just go with it.

AshTrollyDolly

In my opinion, they dont work out at all... for the first month or so, you might be in constant contact, but as that person settles into their surroundings, they are obviously going to meet new people etc... I know u have already said this in your post.... Nobody can tell you what to do as you are your own person,but, hopefully everything works out and u dont get hurt!

nennec

Long distance doesn't work and you'll end up feeling bitter towards each other.

Knock it on the head now, while you are both still friends, and agree to look at the situation again when you've both done your but of traveling (assuming you both return home).

castie

After only 3 months it more than likely wont last, no matter how serious you think the bond you have is. She will be away for 24months thats eight times what you have already been together for.

I wish you all the best though and i hope in 24 months time im sitting here eating a big fat "I told you so".

abitlonely

Girlfriend_gone wrote: »

19 months ago I came out of along ling relationship that left me scarred. I've had 2 serious relationships since that one.

Don't mean to sound horrible, but are you someone that gets overly attached too easily?
Is this, after 3 months, a more serious relationship than your previous ones?

I've no experience of long distance relationships, but one where I hardly got to see the girl.
That didn't work out at all despite her being 'perfect'.

2 years really isn't that much time, but I think you'd better keep it more casual until distance isn't an issue while you're still on good terms and
noone's been hurt.

MagicMarker

Girlfriend_gone wrote: »

She also said he can't guarantee that she won't hurt me just like I can't guarantee her.

woah Woah WOAH!..... what?!

This comment is not something you say to someone you love.

If neither of you can guarantee the other of not hurting one another then you should not be together and you most definitely do not love each other!

You're only together 3 months ffs, that's a very short time to be declaring your love for one another and quite frankly, sounds like a crock of **** to me.

Tbh you come across as quite immature when it comes to your emotions. You're still young and you have some growing up to do. My advice is to do that growing up on your own.

This 'relationship' will not last and will only end in heartache, most likely for you.

Crumble Froo

OP, long distance relationships are doable, definitely, but fuuuuck, it can be hard sometimes. i went almost 2 years living in ireland while my fella lived in new zealand. we were generally in contact just about every day, whether texts, phonecalls, or msn. at the end of it though, i did have to make a big sacrifice and move to nz, which i did at the start of this year. it's absolutely terrifying for me to be doing this, but hell, im living, im in love, and being together is just the greatest thing ever for me. there's been a hell of a lot of tears during that time, and im going home for nearly a month in a couple of weeks, and the notion of leaving him for that amount of time is almost making me want to skip my trip, but hell, my life is completely changed, and it's because of this wonderful relationship that we stuck at and stuck at, and have finally made work together. it's doable OP, if you want it enough, you'll figure it all out

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

woah Woah WOAH!..... what?!


Tbh you come across as quite immature when it comes to your emotions. You're still young and you have some growing up to do. My advice is to do that growing up on your own.

hmm interesting points there. I'm not that immature. I'm a realist. I really like this girl but like everybody said 24 months is a long time. Time will tell I guess.....

inverted_world

Long distance relationships absolutely can work. Not for everyone, of course, but it is possible if both parties want it enough.

The one thing I would say, is that absolute trust is required. You are living in different time zones, and it is not possible to be in contact with the other person 24-7. If you don't trust each other 100%, it will not work. You need to live your life. If you are sitting at home worrying about what the other is doing, it is not healthy. You need to live your life, you can't put everything on hold until she comes back.

Communication is hugely important, but that does not mean calling each other three times a day and sending a dozen emails a day. You both still need your own space. But you need to communicate as you would do normally. Obviously, since you are not physically around one another, it is hard if not downright impossible to pick up of the subtle hints that would usually let you know whether your partner was feeling stressed or upset. So you need to communicate your hopes, your fears, and the trivial stuff too.

There is no step-by-step guide for a long distance relationship. You need to find a way to communicate that works for both of you. And if you begin to resent each other, or feel suffocated or uncomfortable, it is probably best to agree to remain frineds for the duration of your time apart, and see how things work when you are both in the same country again. There is no point in continuing ANY relationship if you are miserable most of the time. Don't force it.

Currently, my boyfriend lives 5000 miles away. It is working, and I am very happy the way things are, because we both want it enough and would travel so that we can be together. The situation is going to be the same until next summer at least, but we send at least one email every day, even if it is just something short. I trust him completely, and I know that this is worth it, even if it is really, really difficult at times.

I know another couple who had a transatlantic long-distance relationship for a year, and the distance was there even from the beginning of their relationship. They have now moved away together, and are very happy and very much in love.

That is just my experience, take from it what you will. But it seems to me that you need to spend some time on you. You say you are not confident, so work on being happy by yourself. Get out there and discover what makes you tick. And if your relationship with your girlfriend works out, you will be that much stronger for it.

Best of luck!

Overheal

Girlfriend_gone wrote: »

I told her tonight that I'm afraid of getting hurt.

No risk, No Reward. Nobody ever finds happiness without getting hurt - nay, wounded - and I dare anyone in this room to convince me otherwise.

We're all afraid of getting hurt but if we let that fear take over thats when we fail.

Amtmann

Opening Poster, I'm in a very similar relationship to yourself. I only knew my girl for two months, but we spent a lot of time together. She moved away at the start of June, and I'd be lying if I said it's been easy.

I completely trust her to not cheat on me. But it's tough because I'm worried our feelings will wane. I have laid out a condition that we see each other at least twice yearly; I'm visiting her for ten days in September, and she's supposed to come back to me in spring.

Privately I'm going to see how things go in September. When I get back I'll decide whether to stick with it for another while, or end it.

Like you, we both say that we love each other. I've also given us something to work towards: after four years, I'll move to her. That's a long time, four years, but she might become free to move to me after 3.

I'm not completely happy, tbh. Communication is not as frequent as I'd like, but there are valid reasons for this, and in any case, I get at least one email per day regardless.

I tell myself that the reason I'm not completely happy is because we are still new to the distance thing. In other words, we're still trying to find a pattern of contact that suits us. September, and my visit to her, will tell a lot.

You should visit her soon, OP, just to test the water. It might be expensive, but it'll be worth it.

homerjay2005

i think its doomed to be honest. im speaking from experience here . have one big chat and see what happens, but 3 months is not that long to be based on.. in all fairness, its a bit unusual to get so close to somebody that quickly.

however, saying that, i do know a couple that were together for 2 months, he went travelling for 14 months, she visited him once in that time. they are still together. the odds are against you to be honest.

RedXIV

No relationship is identical to another so don't base your expectations on another one. Factors that WILL determine the fate of your relationship will include:

Trust - Without this, give up now
Loyalty - Do you believe you two can stay "exclusive" while apart?
Amount of communication - Too much and too little will both damage the relationship
Honesty - Be honest with each other, about everything, including doubts
The time spent together already - If it was simply fun, i wouldn't rate your chances high, only you know the depth of the connection however
The communication between you while she's gone - Don't be needy, don't try and contact her every hour of the day. Retain your personality and don't become cloaked in "i miss you" messages. A few is ok, a flood can smother.

I will reiterate the need to be honest to yourself in this. You NEED to address any doubts you think you'll have in this relationship. If you don't think it's working, tell her, she can't read your mind on the other side of the world. If she wants this to continue, she'll do what she can also.

best of luck OP

Red

LegacyUser

RedXIV wrote: »

No relationship is identical to another so don't base your expectations on another one. Factors that WILL determine the fate of your relationship will include:

Trust - Without this, give up now
Loyalty - Do you believe you two can stay "exclusive" while apart?
Amount of communication - Too much and too little will both damage the relationship
Honesty - Be honest with each other, about everything, including doubts
The time spent together already - If it was simply fun, i wouldn't rate your chances high, only you know the depth of the connection however
The communication between you while she's gone - Don't be needy, don't try and contact her every hour of the day. Retain your personality and don't become cloaked in "i miss you" messages. A few is ok, a flood can smother.

I will reiterate the need to be honest to yourself in this. You NEED to address any doubts you think you'll have in this relationship. If you don't think it's working, tell her, she can't read your mind on the other side of the world. If she wants this to continue, she'll do what she can also.

best of luck OP

Red

Cheers Red. Some sound advice there. Thank You.