Poor me?

LegacyUser

This is more of rant than anything else..
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We "love" eachother very much. Well I love him anyway, not sure about him although he says he does, but as the old saying goes "Actions speaks louder than words". What I get from him just shows me how much he disrespects me.

He sometimes ignores my phonecalls- just because he doesn't feel like talking to me. We don't see eachother that often so its really our only way of commucation but he told me the other day that he would be quite happy not talking to me for a couple of days. He also has a habit of standing me up for his friends. Like if we make plans to hang out and his friends ask him somewhere he will cancel with me and go out with them and tries to make out like I am trying to control him by being annoyed and upset by this. I have no problem with him making plans with his friends and going out with them but if he already has plans with me he should not be hanging out with them. When I get upset, all he comes back with is he is entitled to spend time with his friends, and I have never tried to stop him seeing them!

It all came to a head yesterday and I asked him what he wants from our relationship, as I'm not willing to be someones back-up when they have nothing better to do. His reply was that he is thinks I am putting too much pressure on him and we are only young(23). My reply to that was well then I guess its ok if I start dating again as he seems to only want a casual thing anyway, and of course once I said that it changed back to him really loving me and blah blah blah.

Now, of course I can see this guy is a lost cause, but I can't bring myself to break up with him. I have had serious relationships in the past that I have finished and although it was hard I did it. There has been so many times with my current BF that I have just wanted to tell him to piss off and I have, but I never mean it when I say it and he knows this aswell.

So my question is, how do you break up with someone you are desperatly in love with. I just can't see myself without this guy in my life. I know that sounds so stupid due to the way he treats me. One part of me is just saying well maybe I am over-reacting about things and then the "sensible side" is saying I deserve alot better than this.
Any advise good or bad:o greatly appricated

abitlonely

I sympathise with you here very much. It must be hard if you don't see each
other often and then he changes his mind when plans are made. You are both
still young and he may feel a lot of pressure from you.

As you said 'Actions speak louder than words', maybe ask him to show you
he really loves you and doesn't want to just have a casual relationship.


...Or maybe he's a complete tool and totally taking the pi$$

Kevster

'Love', in my opinion, is just a measure of how attached you are to a person; and how 'interlinked' your two lives are. As such, love can fade-away if we spend time away from the person we purportedly 'love'. Anyway, I may sound rude by saying this but I think that it has come to this situation probably because you were never assertive enough previously in the relationship. I mean, from my position, it sounds as if you have let him away with things in the past and, now, he completely disrespects you. Of course, he is not innocent in this because he sounds like an ignorant prick; and too many guys are like this.

Anyway, all you must do is tell him that your relationship with him is over and that you are moving on. You cannot waste any more time of your life with such a pathetic person who sees fit to take advtange of you. Once you send him that message, erase all contact details you have for him and, if you want to, create a new email address and get a new phone number. Whatever you do, DON'T go back on your decision. If you do, then you will appear ever more weaker in his mind, and he will take it all as a joke.

If you want more, look up Narcissistic PD.

Kevin.

Abi

It sounds like a good old fashioned case of the girl wanting a serious relationship, and the guy wanting something more casual.

The next move depends on how that makes you feel exactly. If you decide to stay with him knowing this, you have to give him the space he needs.

If you really feel that you cannot deal with it, then I think you may have to go your own way. By simply hanging onto this can only may you both more unhappy.

He hasn't been dealing with this in the way he should have btw. But its time to make a choice imo

pookie82

I really hate it when I hear of guys telling a girlfriend that they're being too controlling/needy/smothering when they're not. It sounds like he pulls this trick on you every time you rightfully get annoyed at him cancelling his plans with you for mates. This kind of guilt tripping is designed to push the guilt onto you and take the heat off himself. If it's becoming a popular move on his end it's not a good sign.

I once met a guy who had a classic (wasn't with him for long). If he went AWOL for a few days or kept important things from me and I expressed annoyance he'd tell me that his last girlfriend had been really possessive and controlling and that that's what had ended them, thereby making me feel like I had to be the opposite to contine seeing him. It got to the point where I was barley allowed to ask what he'd done with his day. Needless to say I got out of that one, but I wasn't in any form as commited as you are. But some guys can be masters of the "it's YOU that's the problem here, not me", like the guy in the recent facebook thread who used his girlfriend's insecurities to justify hiding all manner of messing with his ex from her.

You need to nip this in the bud before you go any further. if you can sort this out then maybe you guys have a chance but don't let yourself fall into the "it's my fault not his" trap when he does something mean/uncalled for.

MagicMarker

Unfortunately, love isn't a reason to be with someone. It's just a bonus.

Just because you love him doesn't mean he is right for you or that you are supposed to be with him forever. If you feel that this is all going one way then you have to really think hard about the situation. Are you willing to stay with someone just because you love them, even if they don't appear to give a ****e?

I certainly wouldn't.

Adam

He doesn't want you anymore to be honest. I know this because you might as well be describing a relationship I once had. I was that guy. It all came to a head after three years, I eventually gave up, apologised and took my leave.

Actually that all sounds rather cold, it wasn't quite that bad. We still keep in touch and that, but basically it's the same thing.

Now I know everyones different and all, but I would wager he's just scared he won't find anyone else. But he certainly doesn't love you imo, and you'd be best to end it.

MagicMarker

Mirror wrote: »

He doesn't want you anymore to be honest. I know this because you might as well be describing a relationship I once had. I was that guy. It all came to a head after three years, I eventually gave up, apologised and took my leave.

Actually that all sounds rather cold, it wasn't quite that bad. We still keep in touch and that, but basically it's the same thing.

Now I know everyones different and all, but I would wager he's just scared he won't find anyone else. But he certainly doesn't love you imo, and you'd be best to end it.

I think this is very common myself, especially amoung young couples in somewhat long term relationships. 3 years is a long time for a 23 year old. I'm speaking from experience myself, having been in a 4 year relationship from the age of 18.

StormWarrior

I had a boyfriend EXACTLY like yours, who I was with for 2 years. I kept hanging on, hoping he would change, but you know what, HE WON'T. You just have to accept this fact. I know how hard it is to break up with him, because you really think you love him. All I can tell you is, since I ditched my loser, my life has improved no end, I can't think why I ever got with him in the first place!

Prepare for after you have dumped him, arrange fun things to do with your friends so that you will be having such a good time you won't be tempted to take him back. After a few weeks, you probably won't know what you ever saw in him!

He is treating you very disrespectfully, you are just his back-up plan when he has nothing better to do. He knows he has you twisted around his little finger. Ditch him and find someone who respects and really wants you before he damages your self-esteem forever.

Adam

MagicMarker wrote: »

I think this is very common myself, especially amoung young couples in somewhat long term relationships. 3 years is a long time for a 23 year old. I'm speaking from experience myself, having been in a 4 year relationship from the age of 18.

Agreed, I got into the relationship in question when I was 16. Sounds very young but we were both quite mature people given that.

OP, it's very common, and it's true, 23 is still very young (even though I don''t like the thought of turning 22 in a few weeks >.<). Do the right thing, for both of you imo.

StormWarrior wrote: »

I had a boyfriend EXACTLY like yours, who I was with for 2 years. I kept hanging on, hoping he would change, but you know what, HE WON'T. You just have to accept this fact. I know how hard it is to break up with him, because you really think you love him. All I can tell you is, since I ditched my loser, my life has improved no end, I can't think why I ever got with him in the first place!

Prepare for after you have dumped him, arrange fun things to do with your friends so that you will be having such a good time you won't be tempted to take him back. After a few weeks, you probably won't know what you ever saw in him!

He is treating you very disrespectfully, you are just his back-up plan when he has nothing better to do. He knows he has you twisted around his little finger. Ditch him and find someone who respects and really wants you before he damages your self-esteem forever.

:eek:

I always thought you were a guy!

StormWarrior

How do you know I'm not?:D

Not really!

abitlonely

MagicMarker wrote: »

Unfortunately, love isn't a reason to be with someone. It's just a bonus.

I agree with a lot you've said elsewhere but what's this!
Love is a starting point, not a bonus.

MagicMarker

abitlonely wrote: »

I agree with a lot you've said elsewhere but what's this!
Love is a starting point, not a bonus.

Do you usually fall in love with someone before starting a relationship with them?

My point is, love alone is not a good enough reason to STAY in a relationship.

abitlonely

MagicMarker wrote: »

Do you usually fall in love with someone before starting a relationship with them?

i don't usually do anything coz i've got my own problems and that to sort out.

MagicMarker wrote: »

My point is, love alone is not a good enough reason to STAY in a relationship.

Ok, fair enough. But if it's mutual and genuine, I think most hurdles can be overcome.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your relplies. Quite hard to read but then the truth sometimes is. I rang him last night and he was out pissed with his friends, without a care in the world, while I was at home crying over what I should do! So I guess my mind is made up, just need the courage to do it now.

pookie82

I hope you're ok OP. If you need anything you can always come back on to rant. You may have to endure a few months of misery now but compared with a potential lifetime of coming second best to all the other things in his life and being made to feel guilty due to your unhappiness with this, I think you know which one is favourable.

I wish you luck.

elle

Pookie is absolutely right! Breaking up is gonna be tough on you and yes you're gonna feel sh!t for a little while BUT think about how you're feeling now when you're stuck in crying while he's out living it up with his mates.

Would you rather stay with him and know that anytime you confide in him or question him you're gonna be accused of being a crazy paranoid girl? B*sh!t, this is just another mind game to make you feel like you're the one to blame. Believe me I was there not so long ago and am so glad I kicked it because I could have easily gotten into that rut of believing his crap and hoping that keeping my mouth shut would make it better...

You know you are worth more than that and you're not gonna find anyone better until you get shot of this guy! He needs a wake up call and you need to put yourself first! I really hope it works out for you! I'm sure you'll get through it!

Karen_*

You're not in the relationship you want to be in OP and being with someone who's only half in it with you is soul destroying. Oh and the feeling lasts a long time after. But it doesn't last forever.

Being on your own is an awful lot better than being with someone who's doing your head in and denting your esteem.

craichoe

Poor me? wrote: »

This is more of rant than anything else..
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We "love" eachother very much. Well I love him anyway, not sure about him although he says he does, but as the old saying goes "Actions speaks louder than words". What I get from him just shows me how much he disrespects me.

He sometimes ignores my phonecalls- just because he doesn't feel like talking to me. We don't see eachother that often so its really our only way of commucation but he told me the other day that he would be quite happy not talking to me for a couple of days. He also has a habit of standing me up for his friends. Like if we make plans to hang out and his friends ask him somewhere he will cancel with me and go out with them and tries to make out like I am trying to control him by being annoyed and upset by this. I have no problem with him making plans with his friends and going out with them but if he already has plans with me he should not be hanging out with them. When I get upset, all he comes back with is he is entitled to spend time with his friends, and I have never tried to stop him seeing them!

It all came to a head yesterday and I asked him what he wants from our relationship, as I'm not willing to be someones back-up when they have nothing better to do. His reply was that he is thinks I am putting too much pressure on him and we are only young(23). My reply to that was well then I guess its ok if I start dating again as he seems to only want a casual thing anyway, and of course once I said that it changed back to him really loving me and blah blah blah.

Now, of course I can see this guy is a lost cause, but I can't bring myself to break up with him. I have had serious relationships in the past that I have finished and although it was hard I did it. There has been so many times with my current BF that I have just wanted to tell him to piss off and I have, but I never mean it when I say it and he knows this aswell.

So my question is, how do you break up with someone you are desperatly in love with. I just can't see myself without this guy in my life. I know that sounds so stupid due to the way he treats me. One part of me is just saying well maybe I am over-reacting about things and then the "sensible side" is saying I deserve alot better than this.
Any advise good or bad:o greatly appricated

Hard to to say because we only hear one side of it, but recently this could be happening because you spent alot of time together before and now this is the only way he can see of getting time to himself. Perhaps you need to sit down and talk about this, just from the comments in bold theres a bit of emotional blackmail going on here.

I.E. instead of, "Maybe we should spend some time apart" you said "I guess its ok if I start dating again" which imo is just the wrong way to approach it.

He needs to grow up and manage his time and stick to what he said he would do.

Perhaps you could sit down and set out a night or two that you can spend apart during the week ?

At the end of the day, you need to talk and be honest with each other. He might simply want to have more time to himself ,but doesn't want to hurt your feelings and inadvertantly he's going completely overboard.

Its not your fault and its not his fault, i think you just need to come to some middle ground and understand why this is going on.

pisslips

Kevster wrote: »

'Love', in my opinion, is just a measure of how attached you are to a person; and how 'interlinked' your two lives are. As such, love can fade-away if we spend time away from the person we purportedly 'love'. Anyway, I may sound rude by saying this but I think that it has come to this situation probably because you were never assertive enough previously in the relationship. I mean, from my position, it sounds as if you have let him away with things in the past and, now, he completely disrespects you. Of course, he is not innocent in this because he sounds like an ignorant prick; and too many guys are like this.

Anyway, all you must do is tell him that your relationship with him is over and that you are moving on. You cannot waste any more time of your life with such a pathetic person who sees fit to take advtange of you. Once you send him that message, erase all contact details you have for him and, if you want to, create a new email address and get a new phone number. Whatever you do, DON'T go back on your decision. If you do, then you will appear ever more weaker in his mind, and he will take it all as a joke.

If you want more, look up Narcissistic PD.

Kevin.

This seems a bit drastic, I mean as far as he's aware he hasn't technically done anything wrong.To break all contact is nuts imo, there's no reason to ruin a friendship aswell. I have to empathise with the guy here a bit.Just because the two of ye want different things from the relationship, does not mean that he is being malevolent.

Also, the OP threatened to start dating again. Meaning that she would search for a more meaningfull relationship....from my point of view, I would almost try to avoid meaningfull relationships in my early 20s. I mean I've got more courses to do and travel.I intend on being in a different part of the country if not a different country every year for the next 5 or so years.It's not malevolent if I start seeing someone but am a little casual about it.Also, maybe I am just not interested enough to hang around every free hour, so what I can't change that, I didn't choose that.

Some people seem to be villifying the boyfriend but in fact it's just two people with different priorities. So fair enough, if ye split up but there's no need to call him names, think less of him or not keep in contact even stay friends.

Hollaballoo

Ye both want different things, neither of ye are necessarily in the wrong but at the end of the day you are not going to be happy if you stay with him. Also, if he doesn't want a serious relationship it doesn't give him the right to be disrespectful to you which is what he is doing when he cancels plans at the last minute. If I was in your shoes I would break up with him. It's tough and hard to take the first step towards doing it but once you start the motions it will get easier and you will feel better. You will miss him but you'll get over it and at some stage find someone who wants the same things you do.

Kur4mA

I'll be honest and tell you it sounds quite similar to other guys I've known and I don't think he's interested in you the way you are in him or wants the relationship that you want. I reckon for him, you're more like a part-time 'object' that he can use/love?(his version anyway)/play with/interact with whenever he is in the mood or has nothing else to spend his time doing. Ditching you for his mates is a great example of that and shows where his priorities are.

It sounds like he's not even close to being on the same page you are tbh.