Am I been unreasonable?

fed-up1980

Hi
I have been with my bf for 10 years. I love him very much and we have 2 children. Before he was going out with me he had a brief relationship (3 months) with someone and has never really got over her. He gets down every now and then over how he treated her (not so bad imo) and feels guilty for the way he broke up with her. But 10 years on i think he should be over this.
Its came down to this: he now wants to contact her and apologise, which is fine by me if it helps him move on. But he also wants a friendship and be good friends with her which I am not happy about. The thought makes me sick. And the worse part is he says if the tables were turned then he would feel as I do now! He would not like me been friends with exes. But its different for him!
So I have told him leave if its that important to him and he is. He is moving out asap. He is leaving behind his 2 children over her!
Am I been unreasonable in not wanting him to have a friendship with her? I trust him cmpletely but I dont trust her! Btw she is married with 2 children. And I dont mind him talking to her if he meets her by chance, having a friendly hello. .....this does not satisfy his need though!
Help......Im about to throw away 10 years to the man I love and the father of my children.:mad:

Dizzyblonde

In my opinion you're definitely not being unreasonable not wanting him to start a friendship with a woman he hasn't been in contact with for years. It sounds a bit strange to me in fact. I can understand someone with a guilty conscience wanting to look someone up and apologise, but to fantasise (that's the only word I can think of) about having a close relationship with her now sounds off the wall. And who's to say she'd even want anything to do with him?
I'm sorry but it sounds as if he's been holding a candle for her all this time and even if he didn't go now, you'd never fully have him.
My advice is to let him go and see if he comes to his senses - then relationship counselling would be a good idea. If on the other hand he doesn't come back, one day you'll find someone who loves you completely, and you deserve that. Good luck xx

TerrorFirmer

No, you're not. That he feels guilty and wants to be friends is not inherently suspicious, I went out with a girl a long time ago and serious faults on my part plague me to this day. It's two relationships later and I still think about her all the time, but in a purely platonic sense - I feel so bad about how I let her down that I feel I owe her that apology she always deserved, as well as a strange desire for friendship. I don't know why, to be honest, and again, there is nothing sexual about it whatsoever. Just to give you a bit of perspective on what he's going through - I know plenty of guys and girls that go through this phase in their lives.

That said, if he's prioritizing this girl over his family, then you don't need anyone else to tell you that it's not simply unreasonable, but incomprehensibly disrespectful - clearly there's other factors at work here. You're not throwing away 10 years - he is. More information would be good - is he moving out short term to pursue this, or is it a clear cut case of 'either you drop it, or you go'? Human behavior and nature always continues to astound.

Adam

I have two opinions on the whole situation. Firstly, I think he's an absolute idiot considering he's actually going to leave you and two children on account of this.

Secondly, I think you're mad to present him with such an ultimatum! Put it this way:
You trust him as you say, you've presumably had a fairly healthy and prosperous relationship, and the ex is married with two kids. Do you really think something would happen between them? And more importantly, would you not rather take that chance and maybe lose him if he were to have an affair, as opposed to throwing it all away without giving him a chance?!

I don't think you have any grounds initially to be mad about him wanting to find her though, I mean considering he told you this straight up surely that's reassuring to a degree?? I know exactly how he feels, just like TerrorFirmer there, I'm in a very similar situation in that regard. I wouldn't consider a "situation" though, just a bit of a nostalgia, regret if you will, and though I am actually still in contact with my ex, I'll always want to be. No underlying reasons, sexual or otherwise, I've been through several relationships since. It's very hard to explain, but such things exist, and in a platonic way, as we've proved.

Red Alert

It's hard to say really whether you're being unreasonable or not - it's definitely not good that he wouldn't like you to be friends with your ex-es and at the same time he thinks it's ok for him.

I've been in a few relationships, although none very long - six months probably being the most. I'm good friends with most of them, but that's because most of these relationships weren't serious. Also, I still hang around in the same groups that most of these people are in.

There's one person I went out with that I never spoke to again after breaking up about five years ago. I had thought about trying to continue a friendship after, and I regret not doing so - because she seemed on for it, but you live and learn I suppose. If I saw her in the street or in a pub or whatnot I'd probably go and say hi, but I think it would be weird to just ring her now. I'm not pleased with how I contributed to the breakup, and I think she deserved (and probably still does) an apology. But I think time for that has moved on.

If I was giving a quick answer, i'd say throwing him out was a bit extreme, but if the shoe was on the other foot it'd drive me crazy if someone was continually going on about someone they went out with. I'd also have thought he'd have dropped the idea when he saw what it was doing to the whole family. Good luck *hugs*

Boston

He's not leaving you and his child for her, from the sounds of things he doesn't want her. He doing this for him. I've some experience with guilt and if he's walking around with it for ten years it isn't simply going to go away because you think he should be over it by now. Something you don't just get over, you move on as best you can. He wants to be friends with her because he wants a happy ending to things between them. This is clearly something he feels he has to do.

MagicMarker

So, are you telling me that you're allowing your husband to walk out because you don't like the idea of him being friends with an ex?

Yeah, that could be considered quite a big over reaction!!

But his reaction is even bigger.

Question is, do you want to be with someone who could leave you so readily?

fed-up1980

But I have no problem with him talking to her and apologising. And maybe he would be forgiven. It wasnt that bad anyway imo. She gave as good as she got. Its the whole long term friend ship he wants. He is always joking around saying he wants to be sex friends! thats not funny and it really hurts me. And I have no problem him bumpinh into her and chatting. I am beginning to think im wrong but I cant live with him if he wants to be friends how he imagines. We have not discussed how long he is moving out yet as its only just came down to this.

fed-up1980

And he says he still has feelings for her......when you have loved someone you always will !!! yeah right! At the end of the day he has chose her.:(

Adam

fed-up1980 wrote: »

But I have no problem with him talking to her and apologising. And maybe he would be forgiven. It wasnt that bad anyway imo. She gave as good as she got. Its the whole long term friend ship he wants. He is always joking around saying he wants to be sex friends! thats not funny and it really hurts me. And I have no problem him bumpinh into her and chatting. I am beginning to think im wrong but I cant live with him if he wants to be friends how he imagines. We have not discussed how long he is moving out yet as its only just came down to this.

Sorry, he wants to be "sex friends"? With who?

Affable

Sounds like he's way too hung up on the past.

Adam

fed-up1980 wrote: »

And he says he still has feelings for her......when you have loved someone you always will !!! yeah right! At the end of the day he has chose her.:(

This is 100% true. If you love someone, there's something unbelievably appealing about them to you, and breaking up with them doesn't change who they are, or who you are, so of course you will still care about them. I've been in love a couple of times in my life so far, and I would actually still to this day give my life for them.

Perhaps you have a wildly different opinion on love?

MagicMarker

fed-up1980 wrote: »

And he says he still has feelings for her......when you have loved someone you always will !!! yeah right! At the end of the day he has chose her.:(

forget about him...

There's obviously more to this than he is letting on...

Let him go, he'll do his apologising, realize that she's married and will probably not pay much attention to him. Then he'll realize what a dumbass he is because he left his family and is now all alone with no one.

fed-up1980

The "sex friends" was a joke by him!! With his ex btw!

Dizzyblonde

It sounds as if he's quite cruel, saying things like that to you.

fed-up1980

Mirror wrote: »

This is 100% true. If you love someone, there's something unbelievably appealing about them to you, and breaking up with them doesn't change who they are, or who you are, so of course you will still care about them. I've been in love a couple of times in my life so far, and I would actually still to this day give my life for them.

Perhaps you have a wildly different opinion on love?

What would you advise me to do so? Let him off? And not care about me and how miserable he is making me?

Redpunto

He is being an absolute f*cker,,,,hes just looking for an excuse to leave, he is willing to leave his 2 kids and you on the off-chance that this woman will first accept his apology and second a friendship, hes f*ckin nuts. what a twat,,,,you really are best rid and best you know now rather than later.

Adam

fed-up1980 wrote: »

The "sex friends" was a joke by him!! With his ex btw!

It's tough to judge a joke's meaning out of context, but it sounds a bit much.

You've just got to talk to him really. Ask him about the whole ordeal, his exact intentions and his feelings for you and the kids, but don't be completely closed off to the idea of him being friends with this woman, if nothing else but for the sake of your family.

Redpunto

Sorry meant to also add that NO you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. this woman and her thoughts of him should mean abolsutely nothing to him in comparison to you and your kids,,,, if my fella came to me with teh same proposal (which he wouldnt in the first place) id tell him either go f*ck yourself in a lake or into an asylum. Seriously he is being a total wh*nker. Stick to your guns, youre right and just concentrate on the kids.

Dizzyblonde

Mirror wrote: »

You've just got to talk to him really. Ask him about the whole ordeal, his exact intentions and his feelings for you and the kids, but don't be completely closed off to the idea of him being friends with this woman, if nothing else but for the sake of your family.

Even though she's not allowed to be friends with an ex? That's not healthy - are you saying she should 'put up' with this hankering for a close friendship when he hasn't even seen this person for years? Just so he'll stay?

Adam

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

Even though she's not allowed to be friends with an ex? That's not healthy - are you saying she should 'put up' with this hankering for a close friendship when he hasn't even seen this person for years? Just so he'll stay?

He didn't say she's not allowed, he said he would feel the same i.e. angry/upset

My point about not being completely closed off to the idea is that following the discussion I advised, it may present itself as not being completely absurd, if he's honest about his intentions.

Alternatively, THROW HIM TO THE KERB!! That's useful advice! :rolleyes: Surely the OP is here for advice because she cares about him, and doesn't want the family to fall apart, no? I'm providing constructive advice with this in mind.

Dizzyblonde

I'm not saying the OP should 'kick him to the kerb' but it's really strange that he wants to pursue a friendsip with someone he's not in touch with and that it's become this important to him. It sounds as though he's having some sort of crisis and needs to find out for himself what's important in his life.
In the meantime it seems he's not being fair to his partner and she needs to do what's best for her and the children. She's had 10 years of him going on about the other woman and she deserves better.

fed-up1980

Mirror wrote: »

He didn't say she's not allowed, he said he would feel the same i.e. angry/upset



My point about not being completely closed off to the idea is that following the discussion I advised, it may present itself as not being completely absurd, if he's honest about his intentions.



Alternatively, THROW HIM TO THE KERB!! That's useful advice! Surely the OP is here for advice because she cares about him, and doesn't want the family to fall apart, no? I'm providing constructive advice with this in mind.

No, he would'nt let me be friends with my ex. Not that I would even go there. I think that would be totally unfair on my bf. He does seem to think his situation is different. We were young when we started going out (17). I only had 1 relationship before that and it lasted 2 years. I am not in touch with him and would never dream of getting in touch with him. Have zero desire to be friends with him. His ex was his proper first and only gf before me.

All that been said.....even if I said ok be friends with her so.....I have backed down.....How far will he push it? I will be a total pushover. And if I stick to my guns and say no and he decides to drop it....he has said it will make him go behind my back and be friends, regardless of what I want.

Either way Im screwed.

Adam

fed-up1980 wrote: »

No, he would'nt let me be friends with my ex. Not that I would even go there. I think that would be totally unfair on my bf. He does seem to think his situation is different. We were young when we started going out (17). I only had 1 relationship before that and it lasted 2 years. I am not in touch with him and would never dream of getting in touch with him. Have zero desire to be friends with him. His ex was his proper first and only gf before me.

All that been said.....even if I said ok be friends with her so.....I have backed down.....How far will he push it? I will be a total pushover. And if I stick to my guns and say no and he decides to drop it....he has said it will make him go behind my back and be friends, regardless of what I want.

Either way Im screwed.

Well I'm out so...I don't like to be the one to say all is lost, because it's quite drastic in this situation, with kids involved.

But if you feel you need to stick to your guns then do so, otherwise you'll never be happy with your decision.

fed-up1980

Thanks for your advice. Im still no wiser but at least I know he should'nt be acting like this. He practically lives on boards.ie so no doubt he will stumble across this thread very soon and he might realise what an ass he is being!

Adam

fed-up1980 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. Im still no wiser but at least I know he should'nt be acting like this. He practically lives on boards.ie so no doubt he will stumble across this thread very soon and he might realise what an ass he is being!

lol, really?

Sorry, shouldn't really laugh, but that's an unusual one, posting quite a specific story when your OH reads the site!

I recommend you talk to him, rather than us. It's the only way any conclusion will be arrived at.

fed-up1980

He is the one who told me to post a thread! I think he was expecting a lot of people to say that I am been unreasonable and its totally normal! Hes in for some fright!!!

Daithio

fed-up1980 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice. Im still no wiser but at least I know he should'nt be acting like this. He practically lives on boards.ie so no doubt he will stumble across this thread very soon and he might realise what an ass he is being!

lol, well played.

I think he is the one being unreasonable, and delusional to be honest. He went out with this girl for 3 months, 10 years ago, screwing her around in the process. She has moved on, and is married with two kids. What the hell does he expect her to do when he approaches her? Drop everything and be all "oh my God, I think about you all the time, that 3 months we spent together when we were kids and you treated me like sh1t was just incredible. Screw the family, let's move to Brazil." He's just going to come off as an obsessive weirdo.

kraggy

Daithio wrote: »

lol, well played.

I think he is the one being unreasonable, and delusional to be honest. He went out with this girl for 3 months, 10 years ago, screwing her around in the process. She has moved on, and is married with two kids. What the hell does he expect her to do when he approaches her? Drop everything and be all "oh my God, I think about you all the time, that 3 months we spent together when we were kids and you treated me like sh1t was just incredible. Screw the family, let's move to Brazil." He's just going to come off as an obsessive weirdo.

Totally agree.

Not only was it 10 years ago but it was when they were still both teenagers. Different people, different circumstances.

Is he really that deluded to think that they'll automatically be friends now after all this time never mind something more (if that is indeed what he's thinking).

OP, has there been contact between them since or does he just intend to knock on her door and say "hi! long time no see?!"

Sounds lke he needs a good kick in the arse.

AshTrollyDolly

there is definitly more to this than he is telling you.... I couldnt believe this story when I read it... He seems to be living in a complete dream world!! Maybe he just wants out of everything and is using this as a ''cowardly'' excuse.... If my bf came home to me with a situation like that, I would kick him out on his a*se.... There are plenty of men out there who are genuine and decent, unlike that gobs*ite! xx

girl_friday

Just to do some really simple math but if he was with her for 3 months and has been with you for 10 years that means ye have been together FORTY times as long as they were!!!! Surely by his logic that should make you forty times more important?? Thats without even taking the kids into consideration!! He needs to cop on!!

NewFrockTuesday

I think nearly everyone if they are honest with themselves have regrets over the way that they treated a past love and mirroring that we all, unless we have been incredibly lucky, have been trespassed against at some point. You get over it and if youve hurt someone and are lucky enough to get the chance to apologise and even luckier to have it accepted, then alls good. But ot do this to the detriment of a 10 year relationship - Im sorry. its just nuts. I think hes looking for a way out and using her as the key to his freedom.

Some men are just too selfish and immature to come straight out and say that they want out so they stay and make your life a living hell until something breaks. It sounds like this is the path hes walking on.

Whats going to happen if say down the line, ye did break up - is he going to make the next girls life a misery in the same way over the way he treated you?

Buyer beware.

spinandscribble

he sounds like he has built that 3 (yes 3 tiny months) months up in his head and shes like a lost love when really she was just the first fumble under the bra who he treated like ****. that sex friends thing is just plain cruel. ops husband, if you are reading this, get over yourself. you're a cruel selfish boy who never grew up. get some help and maybe your wife won't wake up and realise she deserves better.

MagicMarker

I'm wondering if in 10 years time he'll show up on your doorstep with a box of roses and an apology?

Aurora Borealis

This seems totally crazy to me. While it is very possible to have regrets from past dealings that stay with you and the urge to try and do the right thing and apologize can be very strong this should not be more important that the relationship he is in now with you.

He seems to be caught in the past, which is horrible granted for him too but he's jeopardizing his present for it.

OP I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.