Thoughts tormenting me

Affable

The thoughts specifically are about being swayed by people.
Why do I not pursue a more solid course in life with not giving a damn about peoples views? I go out for drink or so with this lady. she has her own business, starts making comment about how she can't imagine not being self-employed, trying to get me to do it do, basically subtly derisive of what I'm doing, ie data analysis which she comments is 'boring'.
I know that whats sensible is to pursue your own course of happiness, and not be swayed by people, but it's so hard not to be sometime and it torments me. Am I exuding something that allows this woman to think I can be exploited? Why can't I stay firmer in my convictions? I have (not to boast) a lot of talent and interests but what's the point in any of that if it's so fragile that you get swayed by people. I know we can all affect to not care what people think and try and take stronger stances, but I guess my question is why is it not innate in me to just command respect for going the way I want?(with reference to this incident) Why does the opinion of soemone not very nice and a bit vacuous matter to me?
Do we all have these problems or do some people just pursue the course they want and command respect or at lest take the lead more and not be subject to what someone thinks?

Hope it's someway clear, it was hard to articulate my exact anxieties over this.

Miss Fluff

Repeat after me:

People who mind don't matter, people who matter don't mind.

What age are you OP?

This all stems from low self-esteem OP, if someone who you evidently care so little about effects you this deeply then just avoid them tbh. What the f8ck does her opinion matter at the end of the day?

Adam

I know the type of person that you liken your lady friend to. To be honest, I often consider people like that to be self-affirming more than anything, and feel that if nobody is acknowledging what it is that they are doing they have a lower level of self-worth.

At the same time, I know how you're feeling, because I am often swayed to a degree by other peoples opinions. Some people do command a higher level of respect, simply by their nature. I'm not sure what dictates this, but I know I generally don't possess this characteristic to a large degree.

At the end of the day, we all learn to ignore what we want to, and some people are better at this than others. You're lady friend merely has this down to a fine art, and manages not to be swayed by such ideals.

Bottom line on all of this imo is that people such as her tend to let their closed mind attributes flow over into other aspects of their lives and become rather distasteful folk. Empty vessel syndrome if you will. The fact that you have acknowledged the whole thing is good though, if it bothers you then you are conscious of it, ergo you are consciously not being swayed by it really.

Dizzyblonde

I think we all seek approval on some level, the trick is not to let peoples' opinions get to you.
We can't control what people think of us and it's a waste of time trying to convince them otherwise. Once you accept this you'll let it roll off you.
Really not giving a toss what others think comes with age and life experience, and I'm happy to say I've now reached that stage. It's very liberating
Just do what's right for you and be happy with who you are. There are lots of people out there like that lady - they're best given a wide berth in my opinion.

Affable

Thanks Mirror. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Strangely enough I've always been known as someone pretty strong willed in going against the crowd and not caring what people think. Maybe it is linked to recent self-esteem or something who knows. Maybe you're right though, maybe I wasnt actually too badly swayed by it I just think I was.

I suppose I just wished I could have stood firmer during the actual date and stuck two fingers up to her metaphorically, but then hindsight is nice.

Adam

Affable wrote: »

Thanks Mirror. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Strangely enough I've always been known as someone pretty strong willed in going against the crowd and not caring what people think. Maybe it is linked to recent self-esteem or something who knows. Maybe you're right though, maybe I wasnt actually too badly swayed by it I just think I was.

I suppose I just wished I could have stood firmer during the actual date and stuck two fingers up to her metaphorically, but then hindsight is nice.

I know what you mean. Though I find we only entrench our feelings further by trying to stick it to them because, go figure, they don't listen! And then we feel worse because we couldn't even validate our argument when we tried! And so it bothers us even further, but the reasons it shouldn't are still the same, they can rarely be argued with because their mindset isn't of the disposition to take on what others are saying.

Affable

Mirror wrote: »

I know what you mean. Though I find we only entrench our feelings further by trying to stick it to them because, go figure, they don't listen! And then we feel worse because we couldn't even validate our argument when we tried! And so it bothers us even further, but the reasons it shouldn't are still the same, they can rarely be argued with because their mindset isn't of the disposition to take on what others are saying.

Ty. I guess you just imagine accomplished people in a lot of spheres in life never giving a damn about such things, or maybe it's just they do and hide it, and/or they do and manage to (instinctively as we mentioned) get people onside to feel better about themselves. Mystery.

Adam

Affable wrote: »

Ty. I guess you just imagine accomplished people in a lot of spheres in life never giving a damn about such things, or maybe it's just they do and hide it, and/or they do and manage to (instinctively as we mentioned) get people onside to feel better about themselves. Mystery.

No problem!

I think it's a thick skin that gets them to the top, where people more susceptable to other's opinions might not manage it. When someone tries to knock them down they manage to get back up and keep going better than others, which is a credit to them. But the thick skin will sometimes develop in to just plain thick, and they forget when they get where they're going that others opinions still matter! :rolleyes:

Affable

Mirror wrote: »

No problem!

I think it's a thick skin that gets them to the top, where people more susceptable to other's opinions might not manage it. When someone tries to knock them down they manage to get back up and keep going better than others, which is a credit to them. But the thick skin will sometimes develop in to just plain thick, and they forget when they get where they're going that others opinions still matter! :rolleyes:

I never had trouble with single mindedness when I had something to pursue and was getting some kind of encouragement from it. Maybe it's just that I've lacked direction recently, may well be the problem. I guess I feel I have academic talent and was getting encouragement and pressure in the right way with that but I hate the way that seemingly some in the business sector deride academics as if it's worthy of no respect as they are about bigger, harder things. Or maybe it's just pigheaded dismissal of what they weren't good at.

Adam

Affable wrote: »

I never had trouble with single mindedness when I had something to pursue and was getting some kind of encouragement from it. Maybe it's just that I've lacked direction recently, may well be the problem. I guess I feel I have academic talent and was getting encouragement and pressure in the right way with that but I hate the way that seemingly some in the business sector deride academics as if it's worthy of no respect as they are about bigger, harder things. Or maybe it's just pigheaded dismissal of what they weren't good at.

It could indeed be either of these things. But I think you're only problem (if one could call it that) is, ironically enough, you're over analysing the whole thing She bothered you on a base level, and much like myself it's just nagging at you. You've just got to shake it off I think, give it a few days, busy yourself with the things in life that you enjoy, and all will be well!

Affable

Mirror wrote: »

You've just got to shake it off I think, give it a few days, busy yourself with the things in life that you enjoy, and all will be well!

I should take that advice much more often.

Adam

Affable wrote: »

I should take that advice much more often.

And I should do likewise! Hurrah for team efforts!

newestUser

Personally, not being swayed by other people's opinions of me is something I've had to work at.

I *still* get worked up under the collar about people who slighted me over my line of work as long as 4/5 years ago.

Stop repeating these insults to yourself. They've a way of getting into your head, and you start believing them. Stop recalling them. You'll end up internalising and accepting what these people say, even if you think you're actually feeling outrage. Easier said than done.

People are different. Not everyone is going to agree with or validate your choices. You need balls to assert yourself, despite what other people think of you. This is something that can be improved with work, and an awareness of how you're putting yourself across to other people. I agree with Miss Fluff, this may be down to self esteem, and on some level you agree with whatever it is that's being said to you.

Oh, and people from the business world will *always* insult academics. Way of the world. Fvck 'em all anyway. Get used to it.

Affable

newestUser wrote: »

I agree with Miss Fluff, this may be down to self esteem, and on some level you agree with whatever it is that's being said to you.
.

Maybe it's that I'm not doing as well as I was or have the direction that I did.
It might not effect me on 'some level' if that was not the case.