Complete bastard

LegacyUser

Hi All,

To say I'm a complete bastard is an understatement, so if responses come back to that effect, I totally understand, but I just needed to write this.

I have a wife, two kids, and a nice house (which will probably be taken off me soon enough if I'm not careful). I have a great job which is paying close to a 6 figure sum, and I sit here writing this with 3 euro to my name.

I've spent the last 10 years gambling. I am in debt in excess of 200,000. This debt is basically from friends and banks. Three years into my gambling, my wife found out. We went through a very rough patch but pulled through, obviously with the condition that I sort myself out.

So as it stands now, she knows nothing about the debt.
I know peoples reactions are "You have to tell her and it's not a proper marriage if you can't share or deal with these things". Truth of the matter is, if I tell her, I know that'll be the end of it, and the thought of losing her, and my two kids just makes me want to cry. I don't think I could live long without having them near me.

I had to tell my parents in the end. They were extremely supportive. I've gone to GA and hypnosis, I've stopped for a while but still always gone back to it.

I could write a novel, literally, on what I've been through in the last 10 years to be honest. Married man, with a good job, two kids, having to ask his folks for ten euro for nappies, is quite a depressing situation. I can't believe I've put my family through this, one part of me thinks tell her, and let her dump me so they can have a new life, the other part of me says don't say anything cause I'll lose everything, suppose which is the selfish part of me coming out.

I'm at a complete and utter loss.........

thebaldsoprano

You're not a complete bastard. You've a problem and you're doing something about it.

Dunno what else to say really, but I hope this helps a little...

AARRRGH

You have to tell your wife. She is your partner. Hiding the truth from her means your marriage is a fraud.

I used to work for a bookies. There are a lot of people out there with gambling problems. It's simply not spoken about.

The fact that you earn so much money means you can get your **** together and sort things out.

Talk to your wife.

geminilady

i dont think your a bad person, your working through your problems, at that is something to remember, You're not just giving up.

I would say to you, just keep going to GA. Its good that you have a good job so that is alot better than someother people in your position.

Dont really know what else to say, but i think though if you keep secrets there going to get out sometime

Good luck

jprender

I hate to hear stories like this.

Feel so sorry for all involved.


Things don't get better by covering things up though.
And as I am sure you are aware, you are never gonna win the amount back.


So I agree that you must tell your wife.

Be prepared for the questions that are going to come your way once you drop the bombshell.

Questions such as .....

Have you stopped ?
Are you getting help ?
How do we get out of this mess ?

Don't end up answering such questions with more lies to soften the blow.


Have a plan to get out of the mess.

Can you get your salary paid into an account that only your wife has access to ? Perhaps let her manage all the finances and give you a monthly amount to live on ?

It is just too tempting to drop back in when you have money available to gamble with. And stop asking for loans.


I think the main thing I am trying to say is that you should tell her but also have a discussion about how you are really gonna break the habit.

MagicMarker

First off, if you're earning almost a 6 figure salary, then you can actually make steps to paying this money off in the coming years. If you earned 20k a year, then you'd be ****ed!!!

If the house is in your name can you put it solely into your wife's name? That way if the **** hits the fan, your family won't be left homeless.

Thirdly, go to the bank, ask them about your options. If you're a professional earning a 6 figure sum, you maybe be able to get some kind of loan to help you out.

I don't really have anything else to say, except keep seeking professional help.

But unfortunately, you need to tell your wife, this is 200k. It's not a tenner down the bookies, she has a right to know.

Chinafoot

Tell her. You won't be able to come through this if you don't. As Magic Marker said, she has a right to know. She's your wife, I assume your money is her money too, therefore this is her debt too. If something happened to you tomorrow this debt won't vanish, it'll land on her shoulders.

You have acknowledged that you have a serious problem and if you're going to deal with it properly you're going to need a lot of support. Your family will hopefully provide this for you, but you need to be completely honest with them.

Speak to your wife.

Miss Fluff

You're not a bastard, you have an addiction. Are you saying your wife has absolutely no inkling whatsoever that this problem exists? I mean if you have to borrow €10 from your parents to buy nappies while you are on a €100k salary then SURELY she must realise something is amiss? How much of your disposable income, i.e. monthly salary, goes on gambling? Does she also work and is running the house or are you paying for everything with credit cards? Are you sure she has no idea OP?

Karen_*

Tell her. She will freak out, she might leave you but I think it can't be worked out. If you want to make the problem even worse then don't tell her.

You have an addiction, you're certainly not a bastard but you have to pull out all the stops to get help! Now you're lucky enough to earn enough money to get you out of this given time. You and you alone can make the steps necessary to ridding yourself of these demons once and for all but you have to let people help you and you can start with your parents and your wife. The people that love you. You owe this to yourself and your loved ones.

Please tell her today and face up to things. Facing things is the first step.

pwd

telling yourself you're a bastard won't help you in your effort to change your behaviour etc. and you don't sound like a bastard anyway.

pookie82

I fail to see how, if you're borrowing money to buy nappies, your wife hasn't noticed the severity of the situation yet.

Your salary sounds like you're not in too hot a water if you do decide to pay it back. if you own up and your wife supports you there'll be all the more incentive to stay away from gambling.

You're not a bastard, you're suffering from an addiction and you need help. Go and get it. You need to come clean and be able to rely on your wife though. I'm sure she'd hate to think you were keeping this from her. Good luck.

girl_friday

You need to sit down with your wife and discuss what is going on. You don't sound like a bastard but the worst thing you can do to this woman is to let things get beyond fixing before you trust her with information that will have a very real and significant impact on her life. It will also do damage beyond repair to your marriage if it gets to the stage that she hears this information from another person or only because you absolutely have to!! Have faith in her. She loves you and has spent a long time with you so have faith in her.

You haven't said what gambling you are involved in... Is it bookies?? Online?? Think of practical ways to stay away from gambling. If you confide in your wife perhaps she can help? Maybe something as simple as getting software to block gambling websites from your computer could be a stap in the right direction!

MABS are a good resource and I am sure that if you can stop they will help you put a plan in place for repaying your debt. There also seems to be an element of getting a thrill from gambling when people are addicted to it so perhaps some form of counselling would be advisable?? You have a lot going for you so don't give up. Have faith in yourself and put some practical steps in place and take it day by day! good luck!!

the_syco

You need a kick up the ass.

Sadly, it would seem that the wife is the only one that can give it, as your parents tried, but you went back to gambling.

DenMan

You are not a bad person but your spiraling out of control and you need to confront your problems. You have to tell your wife man, she is your partner. How are you managing right now? I mean in relation to paying bills, mortgage, food, clothing? You must be in arrears. Are your kids in school? I don't mean to ask these questions but surely these are concerns you must have thought about when you were gambling away your earnings, even after you confronted your problems and went back down the same road again. Tell your wife please. You will get a good shaking and more than likely a slap in the face but it will wake you up and give you the strength to work out your problems. Hope it works out for you buddy. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far, all are much appreciated.
As I thought, all of the replies have been to sit down and tell my wife everything.

A few people have asked and are surprised that she didn't have any idea of what was going on. I've covered all of these up with lies, lies and more lies.
The only debt she thinks we have is the arrears on the mortgage, coming to about 40,000.

I know I have to tell her deep down, but to be honest, I'm just scared beyond belief. I know she'll end up leaving me. Now this in itself people will say, well then it's not a good marriage. Problem is, it has happened before and she found out. We JUST about worked through it and she got back the trust. This time around though, will be a totally different kettle of fish.

She works part time and pays for the creche. I pay, or try to pay, the mortgage and food. I just keeping lying and coming up with excuses and I feel useless and pathetic in doing so.

chickenhawk

You should tell your wife but if you are really worried she will leave you, you should go arrange help from a counciller/MABS etc to show her you are trying to quit before you tell her.

Good luck.

Frisbee

the_syco wrote: »

You need a kick up the ass.

Sadly, it would seem that the wife is the only one that can give it, as your parents tried, but you went back to gambling.

+1
I feel sorry for your wife and kids man.
Only way your gonna beat it is to tell your wife, its gonna be hard but definitely the best course of action...

Chinafoot

homewrecker wrote: »

I know I have to tell her deep down, but to be honest, I'm just scared beyond belief. I know she'll end up leaving me. Now this in itself people will say, well then it's not a good marriage. Problem is, it has happened before and she found out. We JUST about worked through it and she got back the trust. This time around though, will be a totally different kettle of fish.

So what's the alternative? Continue lying, continue amassing huge amounts of debt and then....what? You'll only make this even harder for things to be fixed if you don't tell her. She's your wife. She has every right to know what you've been doing and you know what, if she leaves you it might be the best thing that ever happens to you. When it comes to addiction people often need to hit rock bottom in order to get better. Maybe your wife leaving you will be the massive kick up the arse that you need in order to sort your self out.

You know what you're doing is wrong, you know that you have to tell her. You feel useless and pathetic. What do you think will get rid of that feeling? Continuing to lie and get further in debt isn't the answer.

Go home, sit her down and be honest. If she leaves you, she leaves you. She gave you a chance before and you blew it. If she does leave you, you have a major incentive to sort yourself out and get your family back on track.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,sorry to hear of your predictiment,it sounds like a big burden to be carrying.

I hate the fact you have been lying to your wife and family so much it is very insinsere,but i dont need to tell you your faults...when you admitted it the first time you should have got help and support professionally for you and your family so it would not happen again,when ever addiction hits a family it is very important it is dealt with as a family-openly and honestly.

the rutland centre is a recover centre on the south side of dublin which treats addiction,i had a family member in there for heroin,but he said that addiction is treated all the same-food,gambling,drugs drink-it all stems from the same behaviour.

You need to start asking yourself why you have a compulsion to gambling and start to acknowledge your truth,there must have been things happen to you in your past to have made you turn to gambling and you need to face them now.

You will eventually win your wife back if you take this seriously,my advice would be to seek professional help or go into the rutland centre for a 6 week stint and recover from this addiction.

You have a lot you can work with, you can remortgage your home and give your wife control over it,you will prob need to take a break from handling any money untill you are in control of yourself.

I think it is inevitable that you tell the truth to your wife and take the consequences,get a therapist for support before you do it might help.

The anxiety must be killing you,dont let this addiction control you any more,take the control back-take responsibility for your behaviour and start to heal from it-it is never too late to recover and take your life back-i did it and my past does not define me anymore.

pisslips

I don't know much about these things but if you don't trust yourself, can you not have your wages set up to a joint account while asking your wife to look after the finances.That way she can see if your spending all of your wages.

Or if you're really worried set up a standing order to her personal account, you're married after all.

Also, who keeps giving you credit for gambling? I'd imagine it'd raise an eyebrow or two in the bank.Your friend's aren't doiing you any favours...or themselves by loaning you money.


If you go talk to your bank, obviously don't tell them about your gambling addiction, and explain that you're in debt and you want to find a way to manage paying it off, I'm sure they'll help you out by taking 50% or whatever of your wages for a while, since it's in their interest. Can you not just take the choices and the responsibility away from yourself a little bit. And then maybe sort yourself out.

McGinty

Op

I have to ask, have you actually stopped gambling, I know right now you are assessing the damage, but have you stopped. Are you aware that your wife is liable for your debts, if you die tomorrow, she has to pay your debts.

The problem with addiction is that it transcends reason, now if you can stop gambling and talk to creditors involved then maybe you can clean up the mess without telling your wife, but it is imperitive that you stop gambling, if you cannot stop, then as harsh as this sounds, I think you should leave your wife. I am sorry that what I say is hard but you have no right to drag them in to your mess, I say this because I know two people whose husbands/partner were addicted to gambling, both of them are good, kind men, but they are addicted to gambling, one of the women had to leave her partner because it was destroying their life, the other was able to take control by having access to all the money and he got pocket money, but I know she has lost total respect for him and he doesn't feel good about himself, but his addiction drove him to mortgaging the house, stealing the kids money, stealing from her business, etc. I am sure you know of this type of behaviour, I am not condeming you but I am hitting you with the truth of the situation. If you cannot stop, then the most loving thing for your wife and children is to set them free so they are no longer burdened. You are lucky in a sense because you are a high earner so you can redeem this situation. I wish you the best of luck

LegacyUser

Even if your wife does leave, you will always have access to your children, the bond you share with her will always be there. However, as said above maybe her leaving will be the kick-start you need to finally break the habit. Do you love her enough to set her free or would you rather continue to burden yourself and your family and get deeper into debt. Will you stop at €300,000 €400,000 €500,000?

Trust is an important part of any marriage.
If I was your wife the continuous lies would hurt more than the debt itself.
I can almost guarantee you that the longer you deceive your wife the more likely she will be to leave you.
Tell her now. If she is good with money give her total access to your earnings and arrange with the bank that you (for a certain time) can no longer access the account. I also agree with the advice to contact MABS. You are lucky enough to have a good income so the amount you owe could be paid off in a few years.

Ask her to forgive you and agree that in future to protect herself, your home and your children’s security that you will willingly allow her to take charge of the finances .

From a woman’s perspective here it could be worse, much worse. An affair would hurt me more than a gambling debt, finding out that the man I love had a terminal illness would hurt me more. I am not saying what you have done is ok BUT there are worse things in life than running up a debt, (in my opinion) there are worse ways of being deceitful . If she loves you then you will find a way to work this through. Ask for her help now…

You also need to arrange for the bookies not to accept your custom. Have them bar you.

siobhan.murphy

I think ur going good by attending GA thats a start,
If it was my husband I think I would be really pissed off but after the "slates leave the roof they have to come back down"a very wise man told me that one time when I thought my life was in bits after something I had hidden.
but if she cares for you as you obviously care for her (or else we wouldnt be here)I think she will try to help you through it.best of luck and tbh if she is really worth it and loves you for you she will be fed up but should be supportive.

Dizzyblonde

You have to tell your wife - and you have to mean it when you say you want to stop gambling.
In trying to help you out, your parents have enabled you to continue gambling and deceiving your wife.
You need to face up to it now and it won't be easy, but you can do it for the sake of your family. Once you do this you can look forward to a happier and fuller life with no secrets.

vincenzo1975

http://www.mabs.ie/

Tell your wife and hand over your finance control to her. set up a bank account that she can exclusively access and you just take a small allowance for petrol/lunch etc.

Contact mabs at the link above, seriously. Get your act together.

Abi

homewrecker wrote: »

I'm at a complete and utter loss.........

I think you know that nobody here can provide you with an answer that will solve the problem. Given the magnatude of the problem, I think what I would do is go to a marraige councellor, and tell all first. And very quickly at that.

Not that the councellor will have all the answers, but may give you some positive direction, and may advise you bring in your wife. Im not sure how it would be approached, but you do need support for yourself also.

It may obliterate your marraige, because you've broken the trust between you both. But its going to come out whether you like it or not, and cowering in the corner will only make you look much worse in her eyes.

StormWarrior

Can you visit citizens advice? Maybe you can have the majority of the debt written off if you can't afford to pay it. Do tell your wife though, she has a right to know and it'll be worse if she finds out from someone esle.

LegacyUser

The first thing you must do is try to understand that the money you have lost is GONE FOREVER. It's probably easy to say it out loud and even to yourself but remember, you have been deluding yourself for 10 years due to a mental illness and just being able to say it is not enough-you must understand it truly.

Without knowing you better I can't tell you how to do this but it might be an idea to go to a quiet place and try some simple meditation to clear your head of all the crap this illness has polluted it with while focusing on the idea.

In my own experience, it is probably not a good idea to dwell on the material loss by thinking "I could have got an apartment or a Ferrari with that money." For many people with a gambling problem in modern Ireland the greed and materialism has left them feeling inadequate no matter how much they earn. Imagine someone withdrawing €200,000 from a bank and setting fire to it-that is what has happened. It's insanity but the money is gone.

That one big win is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. It is impossible. Accept this now. Tonight. Gambling is not ups and downs, wins and losses-it is all losing. Those times when you had a good win were not a sign of some special talent or gift you have or the beginning of the big roll where you get everything back and more. They are merely small crests on downward curve. If you spend time in a bookies or a casino you are losing-extending the curve which only goes one way. I'm sure you've imagined it many times-coming clean to your wife, your friends, to everyone but being able to say "But look, I got it all back and now I'm finished with it." To buy them all extravagant gifts, to be known as the great man who beat the system. That is the illness talking-deluding you.

The second thing you must do is tell your wife. If you want to cure yourself you have to be completely honest. Lying and covering your tracks is both a symptom and cause of your illness. If you keep trying to cover up you will continue to gamble. She is going to find out anyway-in fact she may already know and be in denial or at a loss how to deal with it. As others have suggested, getting her to take charge of the finances may help. Think of the deep reasons people get married-to be there for each other, to be a strong unit in the face of adversity etc. If you and your wife can join forces to help you beat this then you really will be lucky.

The financial side of things will eventually sort itself out as long as you stop gambling. Don't look at the amount and be overwhelmed and give up hope-start chipping away at it. Write down exactly how much you owe and to whom and prioritise. You must also tell your friends from whom you borrowed. If they trust you enough to lend you the money they are probably good enough friends to understand and to accept any reasonable payment plan. You earn plenty to live a very comfortable lifestyle while you clear this.

And now the most difficult part-actually stopping and keeping free for the rest of your life. You say you went to GA and stopped gambling for a while before slipping up. This is common-GA isn't for everyone and it can get a bit boring after a while which is a bad thing for a gambler. It might be useful as a stopgap while you consider your options-at the very least you won't be gambling for a time.

I started the process for attending the Rutland centre and went to a few preliminary meetings but just felt deep down that gambling is different to substance abuse and that I had nothing in common with the other people there. There are specialised gambling centres available. One on one counselling might be an option if you can find someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to say ANYTHING without being judged. If you talk to your GP he might prescribe anti-depressants which have shown some good results in treating gamblers.