Worried Mum

DEEMAR

I am really worried about my 20yr old daughter. She has been very troubled for past 2/3 years, dropped out of college, bad tempered, moody etc., I have had my suspicions for some time that there are drugs involved. Anyway all came to a head recently when she had one of her mad temper fits and caused havoc in the house. I 'lost it' and asked her to leave (she has a younger sibling who has to be considered) . Anyway, that was a week ago and I havent heard from her since. She has a lot of anger towards me - and hand on heart I know I was a good Mum, it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty though. So yesterday, my worst fears have been realised when someone close to her confirmed that she is using. I am so worried, how can i help her? where do I go from here? any help would be so welcome

AARRRGH

Do you know which drugs she's supposed to be taking?

DEEMAR

yes, apparently its cocaine - do I need to be worried?

AARRRGH

Well, a lot of people drop out of college, and a lot of people take drugs.

I know more people who take cocaine than people who don't take it! It's commonly used, unfortunately.

I think you're right to be concerned, but your daughter doesn't sound abnormal or anything like that.

I think you need to try to make contact with her, and to tell her you love her and you'll always be there for her. She would like to hear that.

EDIT: I am sure she has problems, and I am sure she is difficult - I don't doubt you are right.

DEEMAR

thanks Aarrrgh - I think when the time is right I will do just that, I have done that many times but it doesn't seem to matter to her. I know I should be thinking of her only just now, but I am licking my wounds also - she has left her loving family and hasn't even looked back. So I'll cry about that for a day or two, and then I'll make contact with her and do my best - if she'll let me, thanks again for your help.

AARRRGH

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

DEEMAR wrote: »

I am really worried about my 20yr old daughter. She has been very troubled for past 2/3 years, dropped out of college, bad tempered, moody etc., I have had my suspicions for some time that there are drugs involved. Anyway all came to a head recently when she had one of her mad temper fits and caused havoc in the house. I 'lost it' and asked her to leave (she has a younger sibling who has to be considered) . Anyway, that was a week ago and I havent heard from her since. She has a lot of anger towards me - and hand on heart I know I was a good Mum, it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty though. So yesterday, my worst fears have been realised when someone close to her confirmed that she is using. I am so worried, how can i help her? where do I go from here? any help would be so welcome

From my own experience older siblings tend not to have the influence you would think on younger ones. In fact, they tend to see it for what it is and try and be better.
I've seen this in a few families, with more dangerous situations than you have described.

Just make sure that you aren't using this as an excuse to get her out of the house, because she is better off under your watch.

People in their twenties and teens take drugs. So she's not in college anymore, so what.

Get her back in the house, and give up on licking you're own wounds we all had a bizarre hatred of our mothers in our late teens earlier twenties. Being a mother breaks your heart. If you enlist you soldier.

So soldier, and put her first rather than yourself, get her back in, and encourage her and get her occupied.

Although the best parenting books will tell you to focus on the drug thing, she could be just coming to grips with her failure in college and looking to the coke as escapism. We all look for escapism. This is not to be pointed out to her. Your tool is to encourage her to get on and feel worth something.

JonathanAnon

If she's on Cocaine, it is not as bad is if she was injecting serious gear. so you should be thankful for that.

I think you maybe should just text her and ask her maybe sometime if she wants to drop round and have a chat, no big deal like, see if you can help her. Dropping out of college is not a big deal, I dropped out and went back, got a far better quality degree than I would have if I had just gone through the motions the first time.

From what you have said, there's nothing that cant be turned around. But I think you need to be her friend rather than the one that is coming down on her the whole time. If she sees you as a negative influence, she will not come near you.

meglome

A lot of people drink and takes drugs and it's okay for them. For some people drugs or alcohol just don't agree with them. It not usual for people to take cocaine these days at all so this might not be the reason for the behaviour. Your daughter seems to be blaming you for something, whether real or perceived. She's an adult now, not that she's behaving like one, so there's not much you can do but try to talk to her. I think you've no choice but to be firm since this has been building for years. I hope it works out.

Dave147

I'm just glad you said cocaine and not heroin to be honest.. Is there someone in her life that she really looks up to as a role model? I mean when I was growing up I caused an awful lot of trouble for my dad, always friction, got kicked out etc. I'm 22 now and we're closer than ever, good buddies. She needs to learn that it's good to have her mom on her side. But it's someone else needs to help her realise that and it also takes time. But be patient I'm sure she'll come back to you.

DEEMAR

Dropping out of college was a big disappointment to her but it was the right decision for her at the time, and both her Dad and I supported her on it. I know deep down she is a good person, but for some time now her behaviour in the house has been totally unacceptable and is causing a huge strain on all of us. So while I am really worried about her just now, I am also worried about the effect of this on all of us as a family. We have all been at the receiving end of her temper etc., and she treats us all as if we owe her something or like she is some kind of victim? She has 4 siblings who had the same upbring as her and none of them behave like this. As one of you mention - I should soldier on - well Im sure I will do just that yet again - just like umpteen times before, when I think I can cope again, Ill contact her and AGAIN chat with her, and AGAIN try to understand her and AGAIN tell her how much I love her, but just for now the strain is becoming too much for me and to be honest Im not up to being the 'fixer' anymore - Im weary. I hope this depression lifts soon and maybe I can be a Mum to her again. Thank you all so much for your help and advice.

monellia

It is possible that in your bid to do as much as you can for her, you didn't realise that maybe you haven't given her enough space and she is resentful towards you because of that. Don't feel you have done wrong, though. It is a very difficult thing for a mother to see her child so troubled, so it's only natural that you feel obliged to do everything you can to help her. However, what one person perceives to be help another person might perceive to be a need to control everything. Your daughter is an adult and wishes to be treated as an independent person who has the right to sort out her own problems. Instead of making such a big effort to get involved, just let her know that you love her and that you're there for her. I know it's not as simple as that. You must be thinking "What if [god forbid] something terrible happened to her? Am I to blame?". You need to realise that there comes a point in a person's life where responsibility shifts from the parents to the individual, and that by being there when she needs you you're actually doing everything you can to help her. You have every right to feel hurt and distressed given that your intentions have been entirely good, BUT the worst thing you can do is be self-depreciating. Your daughter will probably interpret it as self-concern and will resent you for it as she undoubtedly sees herself as the victim here.

I'm sorry to hear about your distress and hope your daughter is ok. Don't lose hope. Family strife is very common and most often very temporary.

StormWarrior

I was a similar heartache to my mum between the ages of 16-20. I dropped out of my a-levels and took ridiculous amounts of shrooms, pills, weed, acid, had parties that trashed the house, and other worse things that made my mum think there must be no hope for me. But at 20 I went back to college, at 21 quit taking drugs and am now a very sensible, non-partying university student with plans for the future.

If your daughter was on heroin it may be different, but most of my town have been on cocaine and just quit using it after a while. How does she support herself when not living with you? Maybe when she has experinced the outside world she will appreciate the security of home more, and want to come back. When she gets tired of her party lifestyle, she will probably want to quit. Just stay in contact, don't get angry with her and let her know she is welcome to move home anytime if she will not disrupt the household.

SnowMonkey

Sounds a lot more like fautration, to be honest and i can't blame her...

she dropped out of collage? Ive dropped out of 3

she takes coke, my perents have seen me on mushy's speed , green, mdma, hash.

shes angry no she's faustrated.Shes in her early 20s taking that transition form school where everything is going ot be allright to well to the big wide world. and also form tean to adult.

Shes failed collage thats a pretty big blow to take, she probably feels she's let You down, Dad down, And worst of all her self down. She also probably thinks she's faile but there is a lesson for her there you only learn if you do something like failing etc. Her slef esteam is down she probably doesnt have much self worth.

So her tempers short, shes getting into a hussy fit over nothing and in turn so are you she, gets angry. You do to. your tounge lossen and suddenly you say something you dont mean........ there's a lesson there.

what can you do?

well for one you can sit her down and help her see what options she has. You can bring her in and rasie her self esteam is low you've got to apricate that when you have a low self esteam your not thinking that add to that coked up... its not a good thing...

as for coke I know 50 year olds who take it ive seen high classed job people who where suits and stuff do lines as long as my arm this is the ireland we live into day while your next door neighbers may frown on it her husbands probably doing the same and nailing some polish hucker on the side so dont worry to much about that its "soically exceptable".....

what can you do understand her better try to keep her calm help her with her job's. show her love, shel come back... if your going to contact her wait, a few day's send a text like do you want dinner to night ? if she dont reply leave it if she does tell her what time and let her come in have a normla dinner nothing out of the odeinary talk about anything ut the following problem when the siblings have finished there tea stiuck finding nemo on for them and close the door's sit her down dont be perents treat her as an equal voice your concerns in fare and just way let her speak. dont fly off the handel over the drugs. reashore her you want to help her, dont expect answer's over what she want's to do or where she wants to go with her life.

she need's to feel like she cared for and more then anything havea good think....

if she has trouble, brain storm get her to list all her qualities and get to where she might or maywell be more suited to...

hope this helps.

ps Your doing a good job in difficult circumstance's

i suffered form more or less adhd as a child super energetic super hyperative and mor ethen all superfuastrated..... So thats how my perents dealed with me and still do they get arsey with me now i get arsey back, so my point being. treat her as an equall youle get a better respnce then treating her as soem one you care i no they did with me it was the first thing the child sicoligist said to them lol..