Friends....agghhh!!!!

MaryBM

Hi Guys.. I'm a newbie here so forgive me if I don't get it right...

I'm hoping for some advice please on how to deal with a friend of mine. I've know the girl for nearly 30yrs since we first started school in babies class. Over the last 6 or 7 yrs I've grown distant from her as she moved away, she's now back again and is hoping to take up where we left off all those yrs ago. The problem is while she was away she got carried away in a lifestyle that wouldn't be my scene (her choice and i'm not judging her for that, it's just not my scene).. The girl has done a few unforgiveable things to me in the past 2 yrs and I've just left it in one ear and out the other and not said anything but just got more distant from her. But anyway it's kind of come to a head where she had a blow out with another friend of ours and i've got caught in the cross fire. She wants to meet up with me to discuss things, but I'm not sure if I want to at this stage. In my personal opinion I think the girl has physcological issues and I'm afraid of upsetting her, that's why I've not said anything all along. The least little thing stresses her out big time, I'm not exaggerating here but it does.

How do you know when to let a friendship go or try to salvage it ? The thing is there's a group of us who are friends and this would make if awkard for all concerned.. Plus I'm afraid of putting her over the edge..

Your advise/opinions would be most welcome.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Brief heart-to-heart is the only way. Get her to see thesplits she's creating and if she flies of the handle, you did your best.

Letting a friendship go is something best down only after genuine efforts to reconcile it, but if it's best to let it go, then let it go.

Wurly

I think you know when a friendship is over is when you have no desire to meet them again.

You are wise to not allow yourself to be caught in this crossfire.

She appears to be a handful and is hassle you don't really need. Due to the 6 or 7 year gap in friendship, you do not 'owe' her anything. This includes meeting her again.

You don't seem pushed. So don't go. Make up some excuse to avoid. Don't be truthful as this will just set her off from what you describe.

AARRRGH

Firstly, it's "AARRRGH" not "agghhh".

I think you have two options -

1. Continue being a friend in the sense that you accept who she now is.
2. You decide you have drifted apart and it's time to move on.

I would try to choose option 1, as lifelong friends are rare, she probably needs you, and deep down she's the same person you met in babies class.

MaryBM

Thanks Guys..

I've decided to put off the meeting for a while 'cos I really don't want to face her at the minute due to personal reasons - suffered a bereavement a few weeks ago and my head is still all over the place - so don't think now is the time to have a meeting with her 'cos I want to stay rational when speaking with her..

The comment about her being the same person deep down has hit home with me, so I think I'll give it a try to salvage the relationship and if it works it works, if not, not much more I can do.

I feel a bit like 17 again avoiding her and not being big enough within myself the past 2 yrs to broach the different issues with her.

IMO people can and do change and are not necessarily the same person deep down. I feel if you try to salvage this you will feel weighed down by this person and you don't need a 'friend' like that.

Wurly

MaryBM wrote: »

Thanks Guys..

I've decided to put off the meeting for a while 'cos I really don't want to face her at the minute due to personal reasons - suffered a bereavement a few weeks ago and my head is still all over the place - so don't think now is the time to have a meeting with her 'cos I want to stay rational when speaking with her..

I'm very sorry to hear about your bereavement and I hope you're alright. Give yourself a break now, okay? Meet her if and when you're ready and not a moment before. Look after yourself.

MaryBM

Thanks for your good wishes Tri.

So I put off the meeting but afraid to say this girl kept insisting on meeting up with me, gave me a window to meet up with her to sort things out without exactly saying what she wants to sort out with me. I know myself its about my distance with her. I had to send her numerous messages to say that I need space right now and to back off me.

I eventually used my recent bereavement (sorry Dad) as a reason to let me be for now.

Just wanted to give you guys an update. My first time posting here is today as I didn't want to be going to common friends of ours (kinda like schold yard antics, isn't it ? ), thanks for your comments/opinions. I know your only getting my side of story but thanks anyway.

This friend has often been discussed between myself and my friends (also her friends) - general agreement is that she's got a lot of issues she needs sorting out, but I often find she takes up alot of our conversation time as she is so frustrating at times. I didn't want to bring another conversation about her to the table this evening and I want to move away from the school yard antics as well, if you know what I mean.

Wurly

MaryBM wrote: »

I eventually used my recent bereavement (sorry Dad) as a reason to let me be for now.

That's okay OP - its not a million miles away from the truth anyway so don't feel bad.:)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,so sorry to hear about your dad,this issue with your friend seems to be really on your mind,and she is not behaving like much of a friend if she cannot have any compassion for you right now when you need your friends.

Your friend may be feeling isolated from the group and hurt through the years from issues from her past. If you have decided that you do not want to take her and her issues on then you need to tell her asnd set boundaries with her. I agree that the conversations about her behaviour with other friends is not very healthy and sounds bitchy if thats what you meant by the school yard stuff.

If none of you like her than the best thing to do is to move on from her and not lead her on that you are still friends,and if you do that then there should be no need to discuss her again,sometimes in school yard gangs when one person is in a vunerable position they can become a scapegoat and people almost enjoy bitching about the person.

I have a sister like that who was ****ed up and had a lot of issues she would constantly act up and bully the rest of us and look for attention,it seemed she just pushed people away where ever she went,it wasnt untill i grew up that i realised she had been sexually abused and was acting this way because she had no self esteem,she was the family scape goat,everyone dumped their anger on her because she was an easy target.

The way to deal with such a person is to see deeper into the situation and realise that even though someone has issues you have to find a way of not allowing that person to manipulate you and have the strength to be straight with them no matter what the consequences-if it is an old friend you may not want to put that much energy into that relationship and that would be fair enough,but you should either walk away or find another way to handle her,without talking about her to other friends.Dont listen to other peoples judgements of her,trust yourself with her you seem like a nice fair person which is probably why she wants to talk with you but,i think you should be very prepared before you do.

Good luck OP.