The ex

LegacyUser

Hi,
Seems to be the usual crack, had a relatively long term relationship with a girl whom i adored and loved to bits (this may be a bit biased in my current state), broke up about a year ago due to me needing some me and family time. She seemed to understand, but reports came back to me that it hit her hard for like a week or something.
Anyhow, been doing good since, there was the initial "WHY did i do that.." period that kicked in after a while, but i survived.

But in the past few days i've become weak, dear people. She keeps popping up into my head, and i've tried every trick in my book to get her out of there. And what did i get from that? FUPPIN DREAMS, yeah, she got in there.
Sleepless nights have endured, with depressing music and cough, a wee bit of social network stalking. Nothing major has happened in the past while that could've triggered it, that i can think of anyway.
Although it was this time last year that we broke up, deja vu perhaps but it's flippin killing me. We still talk here and there with a few texts, but the recent ones i've found myself praying for a "so, care to take me back?" message. Chances though,

Anyway, sorry for dragging this on. I seek any wise knowledge and wisdom on how to help me deal with this time of HATE and PAIN and ANGER and SADness and several other words. Or if anyone happens to have a technique of erasing emotions/memories, feel free to share.

I should point out that i haven't yet said/texted anything that could potentially construe my current feelings, that's a good thing right? Taking most of my will power not to though, so i'll start accepting spiritual guidance if need be.

Ps. I realise that i quite sound like a total whine, and that people have about a billion worse things that make this seem like daisies, but any advice'd be really appreciated.

pookie82

Hey there. Sounds messy.

Have you ascertained from your, ahem, "social network stalking" whether or not she's seeing anyone? Do you know if she had a boyfriend?

You're the one who broke up with her and as you say it sounds like she took it harder than you thought. A year is a long time though and chances are she'll have moved on by now. You mentioned needing some "you" and "family" time - were you ill or depressed or did you just need space from her?

I would recommend not spilling your guts just yet. Let a week or two pass, bear with the memories, and see if it passes. There are times when many of us, for one reason or another, are reminded of exes or a time in our lives where they were involved and we begin to reminisce and think back and wonder what they're doing and what could have been....Most of us will get over this again in a few days.

If the urges to contact her don't subside, then do it. tread carefully, maybe suggest a meet up for old times' sake. See how that goes. I wouldn't just contact her and blurt it all out. In any case she may have no interest in taking you back.

If she doesn't, remember that everyone goes through this type of nostalgia for somone they loved at one point of another and it's not indicative of you being screwed when it comes to her. But whatever you do don't attempt to test the getting-back-together waters unless you're sure that this time around you won't need time out again. good luck.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Hey there. Sounds messy.

Have you ascertained from your, ahem, "social network stalking" whether or not she's seeing anyone? Do you know if she had a boyfriend?

I feel i should say i'm not normally the stalker type...it just came with the current territory! Anyhow, im pretty sure she's not, although i did unfortunately stumble across a few messages about her "casually" seeing a guy. Which makes the 'ol intestines form a few sailing knots.

You're the one who broke up with her and as you say it sounds like she took it harder than you thought. A year is a long time though and chances are she'll have moved on by now. You mentioned needing some "you" and "family" time - were you ill or depressed or did you just need space from her?

Family member took to harbouring some cancer, and it was a case where my loyalties were literally split, and i picked the family over her. It wasnt meant to be a permanent arrangement, i just needed a few weeks to get to grips with stuff.

I would recommend not spilling your guts just yet. Let a week or two pass, bear with the memories, and see if it passes. There are times when many of us, for one reason or another, are reminded of exes or a time in our lives where they were involved and we begin to reminisce and think back and wonder what they're doing and what could have been....Most of us will get over this again in a few days.

I keep telling myself that, but it's losing it's effect. I may go search for a bible if i get desperate...possibly a bottle of whiskey.
Still though, this has happened once or twice over the last year, but i've always just shrugged it off and been able to cope. This time seems just way more intense, and sounding like a whiny little **** doesn't really make me seem very manly.

I guess first thing would be to stop feeling so sorry for myself. Second thing, whiskey. Third thing, serenade her with a spanish guitar. Well, possibly not that lat bit.

Thanks pookie82

LegacyUser

Yeah..also just found out she is seeing someone. A bit less straight forward than just that, but needless to say that didn't help.

pookie82

Crap. How did you confirm that? Her internet site or through a friend?

The reason for you two breaking up does change things IMO - it's not like you got tired of her or decided you needed to sow wild oats - none of us can ever predict how we'll react to what you went through and I'm sure you did what you had to. She'll understand that too, I'm sure, but unfortunately that doesn't mean that she has to wait for you. You have to see it from her point of view too. She was broken up with and was devestated but there was little she could do in the circumstances. So she swallowed it and moved on eventually.

You don't sound like a whiny little ***** [whatever that's supposed to be!]. There are countless guys on here every day in a similar position and it doesn't make them less manly. Also I wasn't assuming that you were a stalker - we all have a peep at the old social networking sites when we want to see what someone is up to! If it's there, it's human nature, though not the best idea.

I don't think the whiskey plan is a good one either! In any case if you did turn to drink before appraoching her you'd probably lose some of the sincerity and a lot of the coherency!! Don't do anything under the guise of alcohol, despite the fact that you may need the courage.

I'm inclined, of course, to say let her go. Under normal circumstances most would tell you to leave her alone - she ahs finally moved on after a heartbreak and probably doesn't need to look back. But the manner in which you two broke up makes you in some ways as blameless as her. Circumstance stepped in and made it impossible for you, at the time, to keep dividing your time when a family member needed you. That's very different to just dumping her cos you got bored.

Like I said I'd still give it a week or so, see if the feelings fade. If not, maybe ask her to meet up anyway. You don't need to indicate what for. Maybe you won't even tell her when you do. Do you have any idea how long she's been seeing this new guy for? If it's very new there may be a chance she's not that into it yet.

Ultimately the only solution to this is to find out how she feels. It may be the case that she's waited for you for a long time and then felt like she had no option but to try to move on - but would secretly entertain the idea of giving things another go. You'll only find out if you take the risk.

I hope your family member is doing well.

JonathanAnon

Hey, sorry about your trouble. It's a tough situation.

Firstly, I think you may be a bit disingenuous about your remark "left her for family reasons". Not to disrespect your family member, who I hope is better, but I think you must have wanted to break up with her as well as family reasons.

If you are dreaming about her, this could be a sign of depression, which usually manifests itself in keeping you awake all night about the things you ****ed up on. You just have to try to keep your mind on other things and STOP thinking about her. When you start, force yourself to think about someone else. Spending time with other people helps, as opposed to being isolated.

You may be focussing too much of your "future happiness" on getting with her. Would things really be that great with her if you got back with her or is this just nostalgia?

Splendour

Walkingdark wrote: »

I may go search for a bible if i get desperate...possibly a bottle of whiskey.

Pick the bible not the whiskey!! We all know too well alchohol is a depressant-the bible on the other hand will give you great hope! You will get through this.

I split with my ex just over 2 years ago and I still sometimes dream about him. It ain't easy...

Take care

insomnia08

In my opinion you should do something about it. Give her a call and suggest to meet for a coffee, something casual. Find out what´s going on in her life. Maybe that's all you need to do. Maybe you find out you are not really in love with her anymore, or maybe you guys see you still miss each other.

Give it a try and stop torturing yourself. Tell her why you decided to break up with her by then and how you are feeling now. Another possibility is that you can be friends with her, even if she's moved on...

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the inputs. To address the questions, it was a moderately long distance relationship, but not technically long i guess (different counties...that count?), and there was no way i could support her and the family, so i picked the family. Not that it was as simple as that, but that was the outcome.
I did explain to her my reasoning, and i never said the words break up, only break. Looking back it might have been a bit vague. Anyway, word got back to me that she had treated it as a break up and i let it go simply because i had to much to deal with.
It was only after i managed to get things sorted (with me really) that i returned to talk things over, but she had apparently moved on by then. If i recall (with excellent clarity), it was about two weeks after when she was already with someone else.

That makes it sound kind of trivial, but i did love her, and she said she did me. I believed her anyhow.
Anyway, she moved on, and so did i, eventually. It just all kicked off again the other week, i don't even really know what brought it on.
I'm not sure how she feels, because i completely understand that she has more than likely moved on and dragging her back wouldn't be fair. But i still love the girl to bits, bible didn't help, whiskey made it worse and i found out via a mutual friend that she's currently un-single. We had a brief exchange of texts the other night, alcohol on both sides, but nothing significant was said at all.
Trust me to keep re-reading the message and wondering what each ****in word could mean.

It's starting to sound kind of obsessive, but i'm working it out, i think. Been going to a gym every day for a few hours, and the whole thinking about something else is working to an extent.
Half of me has accepted that nothing will happen between us, but the other half seems intent on pointing out the "but you don't know what she thinks" argument. While straight out asking her may seem to be the logical way forward, we are currently in a closer proximity than usual (same city) and running into each other or mutual friends argues against doing so. In a few weeks im back to college so all should be a hell of a lot easier then, guess i just have a bit more work to do until then.

Love ain't fun kids

Piste

You seem to be handling this remarkably well, so kudos

If you really feel like you've moved on then I think the best thing to do is keep yourself occupied. Always have plans for the next day, get in touch with old friends etc. More social contact and less time on your own will mean you think about her less and gradually the dreams should start to cease.

But if you really love her and you never wanted it to be really over then try and reach out to her, ask her for coffee, for a chat or whatever, See how you both feel about each other. You seem to have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel, and if it turns out she has really moved on and doesn't feel the same then go back to plan A above and try to think about her less.


Good luck, I hope thing work out for you!

LegacyUser

Thanks piste, im quite good at observing myself objectively, and it does help to tell myself when i'm getting out of hand. I'm holding the reigns to myself
Terribly philosophical as that sounds, i remember seeing something on here a long time ago (i lurk), the thing that stuck with me was the phrase "take her off that pedestal, and put yourself on top of it instead". Makes sense really, i need to pull back what i had up until recently, the mentality where i am the important one, as opposed to someone who, as appearances would have it, doesn't care a whole lot for me much more.

It's weird when someone becomes a part of you, to the extent that when the go you lose that piece of you that kept you upright, all because you take it for granted. On the other side though, not taking it for granted could leave one distant to some extent. Not much fun in a distant relationship i'd imagine.

I guess the trick is to get me in a sort of leaning position, where i kind of have a swerve in my walk. I might end up leaning on someone better, and she'd keep me standing!

Throw in the "pretending to the point where you become it", and we might have a winner.

In another split second epiphany, saying "I" in as many thoughts as possible seems to help a decent lot. "What'll I do tomorrow" "Who am I hoping to meet" and so on so on. Positive self reinforcement, that's it right? Something along those lines.

Heh, fingers crossed i still feel like this tomorrow. But talk about turning a corner

Hollaballoo

Walkingdark wrote: »

Hi,

We had a brief exchange of texts the other night, alcohol on both sides, but nothing significant was said at all.

I don't think people drunk text exes unless there's still some feelings involved, if one of my exes texted me on a Saturday night I wouldn't be bothered replying, or would at least wait until the following day. She was possibly out with her new boyfriend at the time too. I don't really have a solution to offer but thought i'd point that out anyway.