bit confused

jesus smith

Was going out with a girl there for about two months, we argued constantly but I did like her. I figured the argumenst where over stupid little things and they'd subside but they just go worse so I called it.
basically shes immensly insecure and paranoid about me which is not even remotely grounded as I have no history of cheating and am a fairly good boyfriend. however she gets irrational over me checking my email or getting texts, she kind of half jokes thats shes agitated but very clearly is being serious.
she has major double standards cos I hang out with my exes, now the exes in question I went out with 4 and 5 years ago, both are now in long term relationships and could not humanly pose less of a threat. and she hang outs out with 2 of her exes, one of whom she was going out with the week before we got together the one before that she was going out with for 3 years and only broke up with 4 montsh ago, both of these have caused drama (unlike my exes who i see tops once every four months) yet she gets upset if I mention my exes.

also as I got to know her I realized that a lot of the things we had in common I was wrong about. I thought we had things like music and stuff in common but we really dont and I find it hard to find things to talk to her about sometimes. and her idea of a night out is to go clubbing where mine is to go to a gig, I hate dance music and RnB etc so I'm not interested in going to the clubs with her and she's not into my kind of music so she's not bothered coming to gigs but I get very paranoid about her going to clubs.

now I know it looks like a doomed relationship but she's really upset over the break up and is now asking me to go out for pints with her tonight which is just a recipe for disaster as shes already saying things jokingly like 'I'm gonna jump you again at some point so you may as well get it over with'

to be honest I don't know, I did like her but the insecurities, the mind games, the paranoia, the complete differnces in social activities just makes me wonder

on one hand I'm kind of thinking that things like the fights about exes will subside and the differnces are a stupid thing to be unhappy about (although I don't consider it shallow to want to have things in common with a girlfriend)

any ideas?

Wurly

Dude, seriously. Are you seriously thinking of getting back with her just cos she's upset? What about how you feel?

It is not up to you to cure her of her insecurities. And if she is a head melt over this so early on, then it will just get worse.

She needs to work through her insecurities herself and take responsibility for them. Might I suggest that you stick to your guns and allow her the space to do so.

With regards to meeting up for drinks, well that's very nice that you are on good terms. But if she is saying stuff like that to you about jumping your bones, it might serve you well to stay on the wagon tonight. Otherwise, the waters will get muddied.

I think you made the right decision. You know what you want and it does not appear that she has what you want. It's all well and good 'liking' her but that doesn't mean you have to date her.

Good luck.

trio

Sounds like a completely head-wrecking two months....

I'm kind of thinking that things like the fights about exes will subside and the differnces are a stupid thing to be unhappy about

No, they won't. No, that was not a good relationship. No, it is not shallow to want to have things in common with a girlfriend - in fact, it is essential. Especially when the differences involve how you like to spend your free time. When you have a girlfriend, you see her in your free time! So I'd say that was pretty crucial.

No, it is not odd either to want a girlfriend you don't have to struggle to make conversation with.

Basically - a girlfriend should trust you (she didn't), enjoy the same activites as you (she didn't), be incredibly easy to talk to (she wasn't), be easy to just be around (she wasn't).

She's upset about the break up because she was dumped. So it's a major blow to her ego and self-esteem. That's normal. She's wanting to prove to herself that she can still get you. That's pretty normal too. But basically, she'd be using you to put a Band-Aid on her bruised ego.

If you're looking for sex, go to CopperFaced Jacks. Stay miles away from her though.

Tragedy

Insecure people will always find something to be insecure about. Nothing causes it but something deep inside of THEM. Your behaviour will never satisfy or assuage that.

Wibbs

Tri wrote: »

It is not up to you to cure her of her insecurities. And if she is a head melt over this so early on, then it will just get worse.

Bingo. Read this OP and consider the second sentence as telling your future if you stick around.

Wibbs

Tragedy wrote: »

Insecure people will always find something to be insecure about. Nothing causes it but something deep inside of THEM. Your behaviour will never satisfy or assuage that.

Exactly. Now it can be very tempting to try. Been there, but it never works. If they don't see it as a problem then they will be always like that pretty much. Even if they do see it as a problem they'll stay the same unless they put in the work.