Need to Let It All Out - No.2

Dory-Tina

Hi, here is my second post, I'll try to do this as often as I can.

.... well, after my whole world
crashing down ( see entry number 1)i took matters
into my own hands. i now know at this time it was stupid
and foolish .i started to hate myself for my grandparents
seperation and i started to hate my apperance also.at the
time i was going out with a lad we sahll call mark .mark at
first was a nice guy he treated me like a princess at
first . but , when i became down , depressed i became more
dependant on him . i didnt know who else to turn to at the
time..... and after his parents seperating also at a young
age i thought he could help me . be as we see later on in
my enteries he doesnt.i began to tell him i was feeling
depressed, upset and sucidal, and that i wanted to loose
weight not eat at all and show my grandparents how hard i
was taking this as in my opinon, i honestly think tehy dont
think i was down, you see i hide my emotions.i know i
shouldnt and at present with my current bf i am trying to
over come shutting people out . so anyway , i started to
eats lots of **** food. food that a growing teenager
shouldnt have ate for ex-low fat products, cutting out
carbohydrates until eventually , i got a gastric stomach
and a hernia all at once.i weighed in just over 7 stone and
for my height of 5ft 5' that was under wight for my height
and my periods stopped also, i started to get dizzy spells
and was sick for a good month.trying to recover from the
mess i put myself into.my bf of the time mark didnt even
visit me in hospital but to be honest i am glad he did not
as to be honest i was very sick.i started to recover well
until one day i recieved very bad cramps in my stomach but
no period to follow.i later found out when i went to the
doctor that i had cysts on my overies . i was devasated
when the doctor told me that it could reduce the changes of
me having children.you see, i love children.children
are my life,my soul, my everything.i would die for
children . i am so broody!!i told mark and he helped me
through 1/4 of how i was feeling but the 3/4 remaining i
felt ****ed up, broken and sucidal. i started to write
suicide notes to my parents and my bf at the time mark at
the time.but something inside me would not let me go ahead
with it .to be hoenst to this day i still dont know what
made me pull out of self harm or worst suvide.but whatever
it was it must hve been strong, and i wonder was it a
good/bad thing???!!! with the way that i was feeling at the
time???!!!


Thanks for reading, again your thoughts and feedback are appreciated.