Inability to say no to another drink

LegacyUser

Drink seems to come between me and partner more often than i can count.
He tells me he is going out and says he will be home early but doesnt come home till 2-3 in the morning.
last night he was at a soccer match final and he lost, said he didnt want to go drinking but as the other team were there and he said if he didnt go for a drink he would look like a sore loser. i didnt mind as He said he would be home early, 11pm - no sign 12am no sign rang, no answer, 12.30 no sign 1am no sign i rang no answer , he eventually rang langers drunk at nearly 2 am saying he was on his way home.
he simply cant say no to drink even when he said to me otherwise, im fed up with it , why is it so hard for him to just come home when he says he will ???

McGinty

Hi Op

How often would your partner go out drinking? I would hazard a guess (and a pretty good one) is that whilst he says to you he will be home early to keep you happy, when he is out with the lads, he stays with them to keep them happy and not look like he is hen pecked. Men don't like to look like eegits in front of their friends and personally (I may be wrong on this one) I would not push this issue.

I don't think you can put a definite time to say when you will be home, I know myself if I am out and the craic is flowing I want to stay out, so I make a rule that I don't give a definite time as to when I'll be home. The thing is you have three options as I see it, 1) you can accept the situation as it is, that is he continues going out with his friends and you say nothing except see you when I see you. 2) You can end the relationship, and whilst I have a relaxed attitude to time scales when my partner is out and visa versa, if I was with someone who went out all the time, that is more than two or three times a week I would get very pissed off and angry and it would have to change or I would end it (I am talking either where you live with someone or are married). 3) Find some compromise between you, that is tell your partner how frustrated you are, but acknowledge that he needs to save face and work out between you something that suits both of you.

LegacyUser

See this is my problem. I wouldnt care if he said " you no what, i have no idea what time ill be home but it will probably be late " but he doesnt he ALWAYS says he will be home early ,so i wait up thinking that he will then doesnt and i get pi**ed off cause it happens so much and everytime i want to believe that he will actually be home early but he doesnt and i get angrier and more pi**ed off with him. HE is the one thats says he will be home NOT ME why cant he just stand by what he says ?

trio

Well it seems to be that it's not a drink problem - it's an expectation problem.

You expect him home when he says he will be. So my question is: who sets the time? Do you ask him "When will you be home?" and he just routinely tells you what you want to hear? If he auto-answers "11!" without thinking about it, then you have to stop him doing so. Personally I'd rather he said "2am" and at least not have three bloody hours trying to ring him worried he's dead in a ditch. So next time? Get him to admit before he goes out that he hasn't a bog when he'll get home. At least it'll be truthful.

But that doesn't seem to be your only issue.

How many evenings a week does he do this? Personally I would be coolaboola with my lad going out with the lads one night a week but any more than that and I would start to feel rather sidelined. When you shack up together, you do so because you're supposed to be best friends. He's supposed to want to party with you too, and not make you feel like the boring one at home. If he was going out three nights a week until the wee small hours with the lads, then I would start to feel fairly irrelevant - like a housekeeper.

mikewest

Look OP there is no need to be going on at me like that. I always mean full well to be home early but if the craic starts and I'm having a few pints well the old clock moves into one of those time anomoly things and lo and behold three real time hours have passed in just 15 minutes of pints and craic time.

Hang on, I wasn't out last night. This isn't me this is directed at then, Just one of my fellow sufferers from pub time anomolies.

Seriously OP your complaint is probably echoed in 40 or 50 % of homes in the world since the beginning of time. If men are out having the craic then all good intentions go to the wall sometimes and he arrives home late, possibly drunk and always in trouble. Get over it.

LegacyUser

mikewest wrote: »

Seriously OP your complaint is probably echoed in 40 or 50 % of homes in the world since the beginning of time. If men are out having the craic then all good intentions go to the wall sometimes and he arrives home late, possibly drunk and always in trouble. Get over it.

I think this is incredibly selfish, theres 2 people in a relationship not one yet its all about YOU and YOUR PINTS and YOU having the crack ?? and everything else said to me goes out the fu**ing window ? I dont think im being unreasonable asking not to be lied to.

mazcon

Sounds like he either has, or is developing, a drink problem tbh.
I do agree with a previous poster who said that the problem is one of expectations as well. If he always does this you should not expect him to suddenly change. It doesn't make it right but it is what it is.
I have heard people talk of the 3 As in dealing with problems.....Awareness (which you have), Acceptance and Action. When you have fully accepted the reality of what's happening then you can decide what action to take. One thing I will say to you is ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life like this? Can you see yourself living this way when children enter the equation? That might sound harsh but it is a very real possibility. Only you can make the decisions based on your situation. Good luck whatever you decide.

RedXIV

I wouldn't say he has a drink problem and i wouldn't say he's trying to intentionally piss you off. I'm pretty guilty of this crime, in fact it's a running gag in my family that when everyone is heading out for the night, i'm just heading for one. Because myself and my mates always go in rounds on nights out as well, i'd always be very aware if i haven't gotten one in a while. And i would wait just for the chance to get one in before i leave.

But as said above, if there is fun on a night out, time will fly by and i will forget about it. If you want him to come home early, have something for him to look forward to coming home to. Tell him you'll have a suprise waiting for him at a certain time and i'd bet he'll make it home in time for it

Nevyn

Why are you waiting up for him ?

It can be very hard on a night out after a couple of pints to leave good company that what is for a lot of people so early in the evening. Yes not everyones time keeping is up to scractch after a few drinks and you can easily loose an hour or so.

But why are you pushing him to give an exact time and expecting him to stick to it ?

Why can't you just accept that he is out for the night and when he gets home he gets home and as long as it's not 5am when you have plans the next which get scuppered cos he has the hang over from hell well where is the harm ?

I don't think he is choosing delbirately to lie to you, but I think you may be being a lil unreasonable.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you waiting up for him ?

It can be very hard on a night out after a couple of pints to leave good company that what is for a lot of people so early in the evening. Yes not everyones time keeping is up to scractch after a few drinks and you can easily loose an hour or so.

But why are you pushing him to give an exact time and expecting him to stick to it ?

Why can't you just accept that he is out for the night and when he gets home he gets home and as long as it's not 5am when you have plans the next which get scuppered cos he has the hang over from hell well where is the harm ?

I don't think he is choosing delbirately to lie to you, but I think you may be being a lil unreasonable.

This is my point you see , I DONT ask for a time he is always the one telling me he will be home early , i dont even have to open my mouth and he says it and then texts later on that night and says it again . Its just all lies cause he has no intention of coming home and thats what pi**es me off. Why does he bother saying it ?? I dont think i have done anything that warrants being told im unreasonable.

the GALL

I used to have the same problem as your fella always out 'Ill be home at blah blah' and not turning up till all hours. Then I got a new woman who doesn't hastle me at all. Problem solved now I dont want to be in the pub at all I just want to be around her all the time. She's a great person to be around stress free........Hey Im just giving an opion.

John Mason

pi**edoff wrote: »

See this is my problem. I wouldnt care if he said " you no what, i have no idea what time ill be home but it will probably be late " but he doesnt he ALWAYS says he will be home early ,so i wait up thinking that he will then doesnt and i get pi**ed off cause it happens so much and everytime i want to believe that he will actually be home early but he doesnt and i get angrier and more pi**ed off with him. HE is the one thats says he will be home NOT ME why cant he just stand by what he says ?

well there you go, the next time he says he is going to be home early, just dont expect him home

Problem solved

mazcon

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you waiting up for him ?



I don't think he is choosing delbirately to lie to you, but I think you may be being a lil unreasonable.

If it was one off occurrence I would agree but it's ongoing and to me that would indicate a bigger problem.

Beetlebum

I think you are being very hard on your boyfriend. As has been said, sometimes it's hard to leave the pub when you're having great craic and you're in good company. I often go out with the best intentions of only having 2 drinks max but end up having a lot more than that.

I think he should take some responibilty for himself though and not say he'll be home at 11 when chances are he knows it'll more than likely be 1am.

Why don't you explain to him that you don't mind him going out provided that he doesn't say he'll be home early and then he falls home late?

I also wouldn't consider him saying that a 'lie' per se. Things can change after a few drinks. He's not being selfish, just a tad irresponsible and I'm sure that's frustrating for you but don't be too hard on him.

Develop your own interests too or go out with him! If you don't like to drink then have as oft drink.

You sound unecessarily angry to me.

Nevyn

pi**edoff wrote: »

This is my point you see , I DONT ask for a time he is always the one telling me he will be home early , i dont even have to open my mouth and he says it and then texts later on that night and says it again . Its just all lies cause he has no intention of coming home and thats what pi**es me off. Why does he bother saying it ?? I dont think i have done anything that warrants being told im unreasonable.

So maybe he feels guilty about going out as he is about to leave and is trying to reassure you and make himself feel better.

Talk to him, let him know if he is off out for the night with the lads he doesn't need to give you a time for when he will be back.

On such evenings are you sitting about at home alone ?

Do you ever go out and leave him sitting in ?

LegacyUser

the GALL wrote: »

I used to have the same problem as your fella always out 'Ill be home at blah blah' and not turning up till all hours. Then I got a new woman who doesn't hastle me at all. Problem solved now I dont want to be in the pub at all I just want to be around her all the time. She's a great person to be around stress free........Hey Im just giving an opion.

why are you assuming im hassling him, i havent even opened my mouth to him about last night.
He says hes going out, fine. i dont ask for a time. he comes and goes as he pleases, i even collect him if he rings and im up. yea he is just full of the stresses of the world isnt he ??
I really dont give a **** if goes out or not what im tryin to understand is why he needs to lie to be about coming home .
And i wouldnt mind but his biggest phobia in a relationship is ... wait for it .... BEING LIED TO ????

mikewest

Oh lord, this sounds like you are taking it as a personal insult that he is not home bang on time or before you say he should be.

He lost a soccer final, he went for pints with the lads probably to do a post mortem on the match and drown their sorrows. You may be his partner but he trains / plays soccer with this same group every week, no? He wants to spend a while socialising with them cause they're his friends not to insult you or ignore you. You may be the most importatn person in his life but he has time for his friends also. What wrong with this?

Relax and chill out, so he wasn't home bang on time and its not the first time. If you even thought about it, he was playing in a final did you really and truly expect him to be home early? The problem isn't his drinking, it's his being late and you waiting up for him isn't it. His biggest crime is probably being a bit inconsiderate but I will say it again did you really expect him home early after playing in a final, regardless of what he said going out the door?

mikewest

Thaedydal wrote: »

So maybe he feels guilty about going out as he is about to leave and is trying to reassure you and make himself feel better.

If the op reacts in person the same way as on here this is probably very true.

LegacyUser

mikewest wrote: »

that he is not home bang on time or before you say he should be.

For the hundredth time , i did not ask him to be home at a certain time. did you read any of my posts ? He is a free person to do whatever he wishes and even thou he knows he can do whatever he wants he still feels the need to fill me with bull**** about when he will be home and THAT is what annoys me.

LegacyUser

mikewest wrote: »

If the op reacts in person the same way as on here this is probably very true.

I dont give him any reason to feel guilty. none. I am not responsible for how he feels. stop being so judgmental mikewest.

seamus

pi**edoff wrote: »

Its just all lies cause he has no intention of coming home and thats what pi**es me off.

Maybe he does intend to go home early. But then a round starts - and with five guys, a round last at least two hours, so by the time it comes to 12, he's half pissed, having some fun, and it's his round again.

So:

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you waiting up for him ?

And:

irishbird wrote: »

the next time he says he is going to be home early, just dont expect him home

Problem solved

The next time he says, "I'll be home at X time", just laugh and say, "Yeah right, see you tomorrow", and then go to bed and expect to see him tomorrow.

the GALL

pi**edoff wrote: »

why are you assuming im hassling him, i havent even opened my mouth to him about last night.
He says hes going out, fine. i dont ask for a time. he comes and goes as he pleases, i even collect him if he rings and im up. yea he is just full of the stresses of the world isnt he ??
I really dont give a **** if goes out or not what im tryin to understand is why he needs to lie to be about coming home .
And i wouldnt mind but his biggest phobia in a relationship is ... wait for it .... BEING LIED TO ????

I never said you were hassleing your fella
I said my ex was hasseling me
'You don't give a **** if he goes out or not'.....sure why wouldn't he want to come home if that's the way house life is for him

Nevyn

Ok what makes you think that when he says that to you he is lying ?

LegacyUser

No matter what i write im the devil he's the saint eh ?

He has never once said he will be home early and then comes home early - and i no your gonna say well then dont expect him home so but it would be just nice if i could actually believe him when he says something.im gonna be out till late - fine. ill be home early - fine. but both of those actually mean im staying out no matter what i tell you and it annoys me.

John Mason

seamus wrote: »

The next time he says, "I'll be home at X time", just laugh and say, "Yeah right, see you tomorrow", and then go to bed and expect to see him tomorrow.

i wouldnt even comment on it, just say okay, see later

i really cant see what the big deal is?

i am always doing things like that, "ah going for one, should be home at 8pm" which in actual fact means i will fall in the door at 4am

Nevyn

Ok then but why is this one example bugging you so much ?

Is he consistantly late ?
or is it that he also lies about other things ?
or that you think he is lying about other things but this is the only 'clear' example you have of him 'lying' ?

stcatherine

OP,

I understand completely where you are coming from.

I don't know if it's because of who I am, my up bringing or the fact that I have been living in the UK for the last 20 years and maybe this is an Irish thing but I can't get my head round this whole thing of people in relationships going out on their own on a regular occasion and coming home in the early hours drunk.

I just don't get it ! I mean if your in a realtionship with someone aren't you together with the intentions of building the foundations of a life together ?

Those foundations aren't at the bottom of a glass in the local pub.

I mean if your in a realtionship for the craic and just to have someone to sleep with a night, well then there's no harm, you should both be able to go out when ye like and for how long ye like.

But if your planning on a life together this is no way to begin.

You need to establish with your partner what exactly it is he wants from this relationship, cos if he's just in it for the laugh and your not, he's needs to know and you need to move on.

I'm not saying ye shouldnt be able to go out once in a while for a drink with yer friends, but it sounds like this is happeneing a lot.

If he has a problem with the drink and you've been together a while it's also maybe time to accept the fact that your just not the right girl for him ( and he definately does not seem to be the right guy for you).

I speak from experience,

I met a guy who had a serious drink problem, he was going through a divorce, was in debt and lost his job cos of depression and the drink ( all because of the divorce)

I put up with the being in the pub all day and me having to ring round the pubs at night to try to find him for about 2 months.Then I put the foot down.

I told him I wanted marriage and Kids and I didnt want to be wasting time with a guy whgo didnt want the same things. I was understanding and supportive and together we got through it and beat the drink problem.

8 years later
we live in Ireland, have a beutiful son. he works for the HSA and we have just bough a beautiful home in Rural Kilkenny, and those problems are far behind us.

Now I don't doubt for a second that his first wife didnt love him or try to sort him out but for whatever reason she just couldnt reach him on the right level to make him want to sort himself out.

GALL, had a point, his delivery was just lacking a bit

what he is saying is if you are both committed to eachother and your in love, you want to be together, not out on the lash with the lads.

You need to sit down and talk, stop burying your head in the sand, or not discussing this with him out of fear of the realtionship ending.
Save yourself the heartache now and find out what it is you both want for the future and work from there.

Good luck x

faceman

I agree with many of the point Thaedydal has already made.

OP, its impossible to tell whether or not your boyfriend has a drink problem. I would hazard a guess from your post that he probably doesnt (based on the limited info available)

ask yourself, if he told you in future that we will be home at e.g. 4am, and he came home at that time, would that make you happier? If you answer yes, than ask yourself, would you be waiting up clock watching till 4am?

as already said, talk to your other half. Explain what your issue is and what you would prefer. Listen to what he says. There is bound to be a reason why he tries to say the right thing by saying he will be home early when clearly he wont be.

Best of luck.

AARRRGH

pi**edoff wrote: »

See this is my problem. I wouldnt care if he said " you no what, i have no idea what time ill be home but it will probably be late " but he doesnt he ALWAYS says he will be home early ,so i wait up thinking that he will then doesnt and i get pi**ed off cause it happens so much and everytime i want to believe that he will actually be home early but he doesnt and i get angrier and more pi**ed off with him. HE is the one thats says he will be home NOT ME why cant he just stand by what he says ?

Is it possible you nag him so much he finds it easier to just say the right thing/agree with you?

I think he is in the wrong, absolutely, but instead of simply thinking it's a drink problem look at the bigger picture.

the GALL

why is it that he has the problem with the drink
Does he work?
can he get out of the bed in the morning?
Is he violent twords you?
Is he surly when on the drink twords you?
is he responsibly with other aspects of his life financially/ socially etc etc?
If he is the problem isn't with the drink the problem is with the relationship
As st.cathrine was saying relationship are a work in progress etc etc
If this was one of your girlfriends and they were 'I'll see you at eight and turned up at ten or what time are we haveing dinner at? oh six, sounds cool and turns up at 11 pissey drunk youd have more people here saying she not a friend, blah blah blah, there just useing you, real friends dont treat each other like that blah blah blah, and here you are wanting to know why he's lying to you.
would it be that he has no respect for you?
would it be that he is useing you?
would it be that he doesn't care what you think?
If you went on like him, there's noway on this planet(or any other) that he would put up with it, so why do you?
Sorry for being blunt

beth-lou

If him "lying" about home time is your biggest problem, believe me you are doing well. This can be sorted easily with a calm and rational conversation, where by you simply say, "listen you don't have to say you'll be back at 11. I don't mind you enjoying the craic with the lads. It's just if you say 11, and you're later I get a bit worried." Be honest.

You haven't said how regular this is though. If it's every night, then him being out every night is the problem.

I suspect you are angry about him staying out a lot, and you are using the time thing as an outlet for your frustration.

A lie is something much more significant and much more sinister. Save your anger for big lies that really hurt, and talk this out or let it slide. It's not that big an issue if it's only the time thing.

McGinty

I really dont give a **** if goes out or not what im tryin to understand is why he needs to lie to be about coming home .

Why do you see this as lying, I agree that he is being insensitive by giving you a time, but why do you see him coming home as a form of lying, why not lack of respect or inconsideration? In your posts you come across as extremely angry, and you seem annoyed that people here are not giving you the response you are looking for. In your initial post you asked why would he come home later than he said, and many have said that he has got caught up in the fun and whilst he had the best intentions, he did not follow through. Is this the only aspect of the relationship that you are pissed at. It sounds like all your energy is focused on him, do you wait around for him a lot? What do you do for yourself? Are you fun to be with and more importantly what do you get from your relationship with your partner? I have noticed you asked other posters to read your responses (fair point) but you do not respond to questions that other posters have asked, instead you come across as aggressive and whingy, so it is most likely that your partner also experiences this as well. Ask yourself this, would you like to come home to an angry, moody person? I think it is more important for you to examine your own response to this rather than your boyfriend's actions, although I would say to him not to give you a time when he will be home because it annoys you, if he continues to give you a time and relapses then it is a sure sign of disrespect and you may need to tackle this further

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

OP i think you might need to have a read over, and a think about, the consistency of opinion in this thread, which nearly uniformly says that you should relax a bit, and not take the timing thing so literally.

You are not 'being lied to'. There have been jokes since the beginning of Irish civilisation about "one for the road". He thought he would be home at the time he said, things started getting fun so he decided to stay out a bit longer.

Is that really a big deal? Maybe it is for you, in which case perhaps your current relationship isn't right for you, but it certainly doesn't make him a liar.

scoot on

I do this to my bf, but not intentionally. I have an awful habit of not being in the mood to go out before I leave the house and then ending up having a great laugh and staying out for the night. I especially tend to do it when I'm out with my sports team. Those nights are a bit mad but normally end up happening after a match when you're tired and not in the mood at the start. He doesn't give me grief over it though. He'll ring if he's worried about me or if I've told him i'll be home at 12 and i'm still in a pub/club somewhere I'll txt him. Normally though the txt says something like be home in half an hour lol
He knows what it's like. I'm having fun. I love him. I'll come home when I'm ready. No issue.

Marksie

pi**edoff wrote: »

I dont give him any reason to feel guilty. none. I am not responsible for how he feels. stop being so judgmental mikewest.

Actually you probably do. Its called waves of disapproval. You say you get pissed off at him and angry.

80% of communication is non verbal and you can bet for sure he knows about it.
I agree with Thaedydal.
But YOU KNOW this is going to happen. As was said previously say yeah right!

Are you waiting for him to get back so you can cold shoulder him?

He ain't no saint. It is inconsiderate... but if you really didnt mind him going out for so long then you wouldn't be so upset about this...

mayordenis

I really don't see why your getting worked up about this being a lie,
It's not a lie it's just very bad estimations - you've obviously never really been lied to.
Have you considered saying the following "I don't mind if you're staying out until 2 but just don't say you'll be home at 11, so that I don't tailor my night around this timeframe"

other than that you know that this is something he does so why are you always setting yourself up for a fall?

Shiny

This happend to be nearly once a week in my old job. I would go across the road for
"one" having texted the girlfriend that I would be home after that. Naturally one turned
into two, then 3 and the wheels are in motion.

When I said I was going to be home after "one", that was my full intention at that time
but once I had a couple of pints and a laugh, it didn't really matter any more.

Then later, if it did turn into an arguement I would often conclude that I was glad I
was out later rather coming home and listening to "bla bla late...insert nag here...bla".

By lying about an earlier time he obtains "permission" to be out drinking while delaying
"the reaction" (see OP's posts above) till a later date.

I think the more agressive and annoying you get about it, the more justification he will
take from doing it.

BraziliaNZ

just let him have his nights out in peace, as long as they're not a few nights a week or whatever, unless you're cool with that, but no woman is that perfect unfortunately... When he tells you 11 he's just saying it to keep you happy, and he probably means it at the time, if it does turn out to be a "lie" big deal, it's not like he's lying about having secret children or AIDS or something, if that's the worst thing he does he's a saint, compared to blokes like me...

drunkmonkey

Why don't you go for a drink with him rather than brooding around the house?.....I enjoy going for a drink with my girl and the fun that follows...she also has more sense to ask me what time i'll be home if i'm metting the lads, she'll usually get the girls over or head out herself....if you have no kids you've no right to be pissed off with him......time to look in the mirror and sort out your own social life and talk to your husband don't bottle up anything it's not good for your health.....

You really seem pissed off, there's more to this than your saying.....

mazcon

pi**edoff wrote: »

Drink seems to come between me and partner more often than i can count.
/QUOTE]

THat opening line from the op says it all for me. Her partner's drinking is causing major problems in their relationship. I think most of you are missing the point totally. Yes , she said that she is pissed off being lied to but I believe she is pissed off at the whole picture. I could have written her post 18 years ago when I first started living with my then B/f (now husband). I was working in a restaurant at the time and my b/f used the excuse that me working nights was the cause of him going out drinking...he was lonely and bored! Well when I gave up work to look after our kids,he was still going out getting pissed on a regular basis. The "I'm just popping out to get *the paper/ get a haircut/get milk (*delete as appropriate) used to piss me off no end as he would go out and stay out.
Can I just tell you all the OP"s partner does not drink beacause she nags him
or because she has a sour face when he comes home late or any other reason to do with her...he drinks because he wants to and when he starts he can't stop. If he continues to drink regardless of the fact that it is causing problems then he has a drink problem...no question about it.Some people can go out and enjoy the craic and have a few and there are some who can't and for those who can't unless they stop altogether they will get worse.
My husband ended up in a treatment centre 5 years ago and even now has only a very shaky hold on sobriety, it has caused us huge problems ,both emotionally and financially and to hear you lot telling the OP to chill out and stop nagging is like going back in time for me ...I used to listen to the same **** from people. If I knew then what I know now I would have run for the hills. I didn't run, obviously, and now I don't regret it, but it's a dark, lonely place to be when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic and it is no laughing matter when all your needs come second to a pint glass and craic with the lads!