gf best friend with ex

chop2

d

Ostrom

You have been more than reasonable, and for her to get upset (as it seems) with you questioning their discussion of your sex life is unacceptable. That is personal anyway, and I would not be comfortable having something like that discussed with an ex. You are right to be upset.

As for staying over, this does seem a bit much. She should respect your limits also, which she doesnt seem to be doing. You have compromised and respected her friendship; from the sounds of it she isnt doing much to reassure you, let alone compromise for your peace of mind.

Personally I wouldnt be too happy with it

m-mouse

Are you annoyed that her best friend is her ex or that her best friend is male?

And what do you mean that you allowed her to go?????

He was around long before you and if you keep acting like you own her he'll be around long after you've gone.

Best friends talk about their sex life, its normal, your girlfriend was trying to include you in these discussions, you blew it, you won't be told again. Would you have been so upset if her female friend said ye had sex too early?

pookie82

She's taking the piss. There's only so far any sane guy can be pushed. Staying over with an ex is OUT OF BOUNDS. End of story.

Beau x1

If she had any consideration for your feelings, she wouldn't be staying at his. How would she feel if you were sleeping over at one of YOUR exes place? Would you even consider to do so? I'm sure you wouldn't even think about it twice, because you know as innocent as it may be in reality, its a recipe for disaster.

Exactly.

Wibbs

Well by this stage I've been fairly clear in my attitude to friends with exes. yes it works for some and very well too, but I would say they're the minority.

Now her discussing you as a couple with him to the degree where she tells him when you've started to have sex is out of order. She may look at him like a friend, but he's not, he's an ex and some things are out of bounds IMHO. It shows disrespect to the new person in your life. Intimate stuff like that is one of them. I've got very close women mates who I know for years(not exes) and neither them nor I would tell each other when we started having sex with a new partner.

Now you brought this up and her response was to suggest not discussing what they discuss about you? Eh no. If she had said, "ok that was a bit much, apologies, that stuffs out of bounds now, but I do see him as a mate would you be alright with that". That would be fine. Her response to you was disrespecting you and your relationship in favour of him and their relationship. Simple as that.

Her staying over. OK that would be fine in isolation, though I would be a bit dubious unless I was friendly with him or I had also been invited. Given she knows how you feel, again she is not taking you into consideration. She could have covered both angles. She could still have gone over to him and then met you later or something along those lines.

Now you describe yourself as very easy going. That's cool but don't trip over into being a doormat either. Very easy to do. In all the cases where I got jiggy with exes the current boyfriend was of the very easy going type. "Oh that's fine dear, you meet your ex. I don't mind" etc. It sounds the right thing to do, but again IMHO it can have the exact opposite result. It makes you look weak with regard to boundaries. A sure fire turn off, especially for women. This doesn't mean you should be boorish or a prick about it either BTW. You just should be someone who has clear and calmly expressed boundaries.

CPT. SURF

Are you annoyed that her best friend is her ex or that her best friend is male?

And what do you mean that you allowed her to go?????

He was around long before you and if you keep acting like you own her he'll be around long after you've gone.

Best friends talk about their sex life, its normal, your girlfriend was trying to include you in these discussions, you blew it, you won't be told again. Would you have been so upset if her female friend said ye had sex too early?

So she is talking about her sex life with her ex and sleeping over at his house and you are saying that this guy "blew it"? Hilarious. Some people are unreal

smartypants

m-mouse wrote: »

Are you annoyed that her best friend is her ex or that her best friend is male?

And what do you mean that you allowed her to go?????

He was around long before you and if you keep acting like you own her he'll be around long after you've gone.

Best friends talk about their sex life, its normal, your girlfriend was trying to include you in these discussions, you blew it, you won't be told again. Would you have been so upset if her female friend said ye had sex too early?

would you cop on, you squeezed as many cliches in there as you could... so you would be ok with it if reversed? my arse!


trolling!! ...has to be

Beau x1

Wibbs said it all.

I wouldn't do anything now, but have a talk with her when she gets back.

Wibbs

m-mouse wrote: »

Are you annoyed that her best friend is her ex or that her best friend is male?

Eh more like the two together.

And what do you mean that you allowed her to go?????

He was around long before you and if you keep acting like you own her he'll be around long after you've gone.

Maybe, but if agrees to everything he'll be gone just as quick. There's a balance.

Best friends talk about their sex life, its normal, your girlfriend was trying to include you in these discussions, you blew it, you won't be told again.

ehhhh nope. Just nope. Of the same gender yes, of opposite gender yes but less so, with an ex?

Would you have been so upset if her female friend said ye had sex too early?

The point is he's not a female friend. He's not even just an male friend, he's an ex that has been intimate with her himself in the context of a relationship. Big diff.

Lord Muck

hey man , my opinion , yeah , she can be close to her ex no problem but sleeping over in an ex houses in not cool. I know it can be hard but maybe explain to her that you are not comfortable with her closeness with this guy , maybe she'll respect your feelings.

VeryBerry

chop2 wrote: »

I do trust her 100%, but the whole idea of her spending the night at her ex's house has really annoyed me.

Why does it bother you so much that she spent the night in her best mates house? If you trust her 100% it can't be that you're worried she'll cheat on you, so whats the problem?

Are you worried what other people will think?
Are you jealous of her friendship with her ex?
Are you annoyed she did something you didn't want her to do?

Or is the issue really, that you actually don't trust her 100% and are worried she'll cheat on you?

coco06

Chop. Let her stay over if that is what she wants to do. It will either have two results.
1) she will get sleep with him (which would be unfortuante obviously but at least you found out that she is not 100% committed to your relationship) or
2) she will not sleep with him and will make your relationship better because you know then if you can get through that, then anything else will be a piece of piss!
Then when the mate comes home, it wont bother ye - ye can just laugh at him instead of letting him get to ye!!

m-mouse

smartypants wrote: »

would you cop on, you squeezed as many cliches in there as you could... so you would be ok with it if reversed? my arse!

when i met my husbad he was sharing a house with friends, one of them his best friend-female, they have been friends since early teens and have had a relationship with each other along the way, it didn't work out, they preferred to be friends than anything more, they talked about everything, i know because my husband told me-unless he was lying and was trying to make me jelious? This does sometimes happen between friends. (not just in the movies!!!)I just don't want the op to charge in head first suspecting something thats not there, he did say that he trusts her 100% and that he knows its nothing more than friendship.

Piste

What'swrong with staying in the ex's house?


If they didn't sleep in the same bed then how is it different than staying in any other friend's house?

CPT. SURF

If they didn't sleep in the same bed then how is it different than staying in any other friend's house?

Because these things are never mutual. There is always, ok maybe 99% of the time, one person who still wants to sleep with the other. This makes current gf/bf feel uncomfortable. Simple really

Lord Muck

Piste wrote: »

What'swrong with staying in the ex's house?


If they didn't sleep in the same bed then how is it different than staying in any other friend's house?

i thinks it a total head f**k . He has to sit there at night knowing that his GF is staying in her ex's house , knowing that the ex is giving his two cent about when they should have started having sex ?

Wibbs

m-mouse wrote: »

when i met my husbad he was sharing a house with friends, one of them his best friend-female, they have been friends since early teens and have had a relationship with each other along the way, it didn't work out, they preferred to be friends than anything more, they talked about everything, i know because my husband told me-unless he was lying and was trying to make me jelious? This does sometimes happen between friends. (not just in the movies!!!)I just don't want the op to charge in head first suspecting something thats not there, he did say that he trusts her 100% and that he knows its nothing more than friendship.

It depends entirely on the context. In your case I would have less of a problem, though I am a very private person. In the OP's case it's not the same. The ex has already called the OP a player and suggested they got jiggy too early. The OP's girlfriend has also decided that in future she will keep her and the exes conversations about the OP to themselves. Bit of a diff right there. A huge one in fact.

Wibbs

What CPT. SURF and Lord Muck wrote. Put it this way, if I actually wanted to get an ex back in that situation I would figure my work was going to be very easy. All I would have to do is be the calm one and the easygoing one, while all the while telling her that yes he seems like a lovely guy. Funny enough the opposite of what the boyfriend should do. All the while her boyfriend would be freakig and looking insecure. All the while I would be the cool fun one who was secure. Add in me being great fun and craic to be around and I would be fairly sure I would succeed.

MJOR

Well I can say that you have been more than patient. I think really in 99% people cannot be friends after they break up. I've tried but one party always wants more than the other.

I think that maybe these guys are the 1% though. I agree 100 % that he has no right to comment on your sex life.

I think that if you issue an ultimatum you may lose. Staying over in an ex's house is absolutely not on. So inconsiderate.

Explain that you think her staying over is totally out of bounds but that you aren't trying to stop them being friends.

Trust is so important- show a little and just don't let her take advantage of it

AngryBadger

Man, you seem to have no trust in your gf whatsoever.

This is a simple situation, either you believe that the relationship is platonic and you trust your gf, or you don't believe it and you end the relationship.

What he has said to her, or continues to say to her has no relevance, she's entitled to say what she wants to whomever she chooses, as are they to her.

Your post makes it sound as though you dislike this guy simply because he is an ex of hers, which indicates that you have some serious security issues you need to work out.

In short, you are the issue here, not her ex, your lack of faith in yourself, and trust in your gf is going to sabotage this relationship better then her ex ever could.

CPT. SURF

AngryBadger wrote: »

Man, you seem to have no trust in your gf whatsoever.

This is a simple situation, either you believe that the relationship is platonic and you trust your gf, or you don't believe it and you end the relationship.

What he has said to her, or continues to say to her has no relevance, she's entitled to say what she wants to whomever she chooses, as are they to her.

Your post makes it sound as though you dislike this guy simply because he is an ex of hers, which indicates that you have some serious security issues you need to work out.

In short, you are the issue here, not her ex, your lack of faith in yourself, and trust in your gf is going to sabotage this relationship better then her ex ever could.

Wow I would respond to this "advice" but I feel more thoughtful parties will be along to pick apart this nonsense. OP- Ignore that

chump

OP, if I was in your shoes I'd wouldn't take what you've taken.

You are being too easy going.

Why weren't you invited to stay over?
Why would she possibly need to stay over?

Is the friend a single, young lad who used to have sex with your gf?

There are boundaries and you gotta point them out to her, and if she doesn't agree or you can't reach some agreement regarding these boundaries, tell her to get stuffed.

Her ex will probably give her a hand with that :pac:

Lord Muck

[
There are boundaries and you gotta point them out to her, and if she doesn't agree or you can't reach some agreement regarding these boundaries, tell her to get stuffed.

Her ex will probably give her a hand with that :pac:[/quote]


:D

professore

coco06 wrote: »

Chop. Let her stay over if that is what she wants to do. It will either have two results.
1) she will get sleep with him (which would be unfortuante obviously but at least you found out that she is not 100% committed to your relationship) or
2) she will not sleep with him and will make your relationship better because you know then if you can get through that, then anything else will be a piece of piss!
Then when the mate comes home, it wont bother ye - ye can just laugh at him instead of letting him get to ye!!

Or 3. She will sleep with him and not tell you.

AngryBadger

CPT. SURF wrote: »

Wow I would respond to this "advice" but I feel more thoughtful parties will be along to pick apart this nonsense. OP- Ignore that

The OP complains that the ex made comments about him to the OPs current gf. First off she's entitled to talk to who she wants about what she wants, secondly, we don't know the OP or the situation beyond what we're being told here, he may well be/have been a "player", and maybe they were having sex too early, in any case the "ex" is still entitled to state his opinion as a friend of the OPs gf. Maybe the OP doesn't like that, but c'est la vie.

The OPs second major complaint is that she was staying over at the house of the ex. At the house. Not in his bed, but at his house. What possible problem could there be with this if the OP does in fact trust his gf 100 %?

chop2 wrote:

I do trust her 100%

The ex may/may not be trying to colour the gf against the OP, that's actually irrelevant. Plenty of other guys WILL DEFINITELY crack onto the OPs gf, the issue is whether he trusts her enough to rebuff those advances or not.

From what we're being told the gf has done nothing to give the OP any reason to be uncomfortable about this situation, or to not trust her. Erego what's the problem? Either he trusts his gf or he doesn't.

Sunn

AngryBadger wrote: »

Man, you seem to have no trust in your gf whatsoever.

This is a simple situation, either you believe that the relationship is platonic and you trust your gf, or you don't believe it and you end the relationship.

What he has said to her, or continues to say to her has no relevance, she's entitled to say what she wants to whomever she chooses, as are they to her.

Your post makes it sound as though you dislike this guy simply because he is an ex of hers, which indicates that you have some serious security issues you need to work out.

In short, you are the issue here, not her ex, your lack of faith in yourself, and trust in your gf is going to sabotage this relationship better then her ex ever could.

what are you talking about?

The ex and his gf have been friends for a year before they went out hardly friends since they were small kids, which is a huge difference and lost in most peoples answers.

secondly discussing personal relations or a relationship in general with an ex is just uncalled for and in fairness it had nothing to do with him.

Staying over at an ex's place with just one other fella there? It doesn't sound like a party or anything and is completely disrespectful.

From what the OP has actually written it seems his gf is compeltely undermining his confidence in her and truth be told is hardly suprising.

I think the OP is too easy going and is getting walked on.

Piste

I still don't see how just staying over is disrespectful. If it's a case of the ex thinking naughty thoughts aboutt the OP's girlfriend then well, tough, if it's going to happen it'll happen whether she's there or not, nothing the OP can do about that.

If he trusted his girldfriend 100% he wouldn't have a problem with her staying over.

CPT. SURF

Right. He may trust her but I am sure he would prefer a girl who does not talk to her ex's about her current sex life or stay at their place. Not unreasonable demands at all.

So he would trust a girl like that more, right? So how can his trust for this girl really be 100 %? I know mine would not be

Sunn

Piste wrote: »

I still don't see how just staying over is disrespectful. If it's a case of the ex thinking naughty thoughts aboutt the OP's girlfriend then well, tough, if it's going to happen it'll happen whether she's there or not, nothing the OP can do about that.

If he trusted his girldfriend 100% he wouldn't have a problem with her staying over.

Its not JUST that point though is it. He has mentioned that his gf and ex have been discussing their (OP & g/f) relationship together which in fairness has nothing got to do with him not to mention the comment about the OP been a "player" by the ex.

The OP has been more than accommodating in relation to his g/f seemingly overly pursuing her own interests at the cost of his feelings ie he is been taken advantage of.

WilmaRidesAgain

Uuuhh, the "can exes be friends" debate has been gone over ad-nauseum in the "secret facebook" thread.

Suffice to say, I think sometimes people adopt a fake bravado about it "Yeh, Im the man, nothin bothers me, Im so secure I dont care if my GF sleeps nekkid in the SAME BED as her ex, YEH, Im that secure"
-whatever, good luck with that.

From a more adult standpoint, I think it shows out and out disrespect to maintain a "friendship" with your ex at the expense of your current partner. Why do you need to, you can get friends anywhere.

Question to ask yourself what is the motivation for being so adament about being friends with an ex?

Answer: Vanity, the person encouraging the ex gets a lovely little selfish thrill knowing

1. they are winding up current partner all the while batting their oh so innocent eyelashes and whinging about their friendships not being respected :rolleyes: eh....shut up.

2. they are at best stringing along the ex for attention at worst banging their brains out while current partner sits alternately riddled in guilt for suspecting her or incandescent with rage at being openly cuckolded.

Look, its fooking Bull$hit, have the confidence not to stand for that, either she is with you, or she is with her ex.

She cant have it both ways.

As Ive stated on the other thread, I have sacrificed a very nice friendship with an ex of mine, MY DECISON, out of respect for the current partner.

Thats what adults do, all this "friends with exes" nonsense is for messers.

Wibbs

Pretty much my take on it from WilmaRidesAgain. It's good to have exes that if you bump into them everything's good, but there are and should be some degree of cop on about it.

Peyton Manning

My Ex and I are still best friends, and we both have new partners. We realised that no one will understand us like we do each other, and we still lve each other to bits. We've just moved on from the relationship thing and we're really happy. We stay over at each others house quite a bit. We've assured our respective partners that this is nothing more than a friendship and they trust us.

If she says its strictly friendship, then it is. If youre still concerned, then trust is an issue and the relationship wont work.

AngryBadger

Sunn wrote: »

The ex and his gf have been friends for a year before they went out hardly friends since they were small kids, which is a huge difference and lost in most peoples answers.

So in your view how long do two people have to know each other before their friendship can exist alongside a relationship with other people?

Sunn wrote: »

secondly discussing personal relations or a relationship in general with an ex is just uncalled for and in fairness it had nothing to do with him.

Why is it uncalled for? They're friends now, are you telling me you don't talk to friends about whatever romantic shenanigans are going on in your life?

Sunn wrote: »

Staying over at an ex's place with just one other fella there? It doesn't sound like a party or anything and is completely disrespectful.

FFS so she's staying in the house of a guy she used to date, so as far as you're concerned there must be something going on? And if it was a party with a few dozen people that would somehow preclude any infidelity on her part, because in your view she can only really cheat if it's with her ex???

Sunn wrote: »

From what the OP has actually written it seems his gf is compeltely undermining his confidence in her and truth be told is hardly suprising.

This isn't even a proper sentence man.

Do you not realise you're basically advocating always being suspicious of a gf if she talks to any other guy?

My whole point here is that the ex is just that, her EX. They're still friends, and she's behaving (from the way the OP describes) as she would with any friend. The OP has himself already admitted that he has no reason whatsoever to believe they're anything more than friends, he has also said that he trusts her 100 %, so again i have to ask what's the problem here?

The only part of this which is in any way unusual is that this guy happens to be her ex, and in that instance the OP needs to decide whether his trust in his gf is greater than his suspicion of her ex. End of story.

AngryBadger

Piste wrote: »

If he trusted his girldfriend 100% he wouldn't have a problem with her staying over.

+1

MagicMarker

I would have issues with....

A) Her talking about your sex life with her ex. Bang out of line.
Saying she won't be telling you about her discussions with her ex in future. Tbh, this should be the other way round, as in not talking to her ex about your discussions or anything related to your relationship! This would also make me wonder what they are really discussing?

I would save myself the trouble and get rid of her, she obviously has very little regard for your feelings.

IRISH RAIL

+ 1

sunnyside

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

Why do you need to, you can get friends anywhere.

But long-time friends who know and understand one another really well are so much more valued than new friends.

You can't get friends anywhere, look at all the threads on here about people being lonely.

mayordenis

if my GF said she wanted to stay at here ex's for the night, you know grownups just having a sleepover

I would say the following "don't bother coming back" - I would dump her on the spot even if she then tried to say she wouldn't if you actually think it's ok to stay at your ex's then you are a ridiclous person.

Sunn

So in your view how long do two people have to know each other before their friendship can exist alongside a relationship with other people?

I never said anything of that nature


Why is it uncalled for? They're friends now, are you telling me you don't talk to friends about whatever romantic shenanigans are going on in your life?

No, I don't as its none of their business. Generally girls will talk to their best friends etc but an ex?

FFS so she's staying in the house of a guy she used to date, so as far as you're concerned there must be something going on? And if it was a party with a few dozen people that would somehow preclude any infidelity on her part, because in your view she can only really cheat if it's with her ex???

Only on the basis of what the OP has written, as I already said its more than just that.


This isn't even a proper sentence man.

Yes it is.

Do you not realise you're basically advocating always being suspicious of a gf if she talks to any other guy?

That was not mentioned in any of my posts, again you came to that random conclusion on your own I am afraid.

My whole point here is that the ex is just that, her EX. They're still friends, and she's behaving (from the way the OP describes) as she would with any friend. The OP has himself already admitted that he has no reason whatsoever to believe they're anything more than friends, he has also said that he trusts her 100 %, so again i have to ask what's the problem here?

He never said that (what i highlighted in bold/italic). he just said he does trust her 100% but idea of her staying a night at her ex's is troubling him.

The only part of this which is in any way unusual is that this guy happens to be her ex, and in that instance the OP needs to decide whether his trust in his gf is greater than his suspicion of her ex. End of story.

Thats the whole point of his post, he is troubled by recent events and is seeking advice.