Boyfriend won't introduce me to kids

minxie

Kiera wrote: »

Oh thats terrible, i'm so sorry x

Great think i may have another drunk crying night tonight!

hello:(
am just after having a barny with my bf, he has 2 kids and after going out with him for 2years he cant trust me yet to meet his girls. ones just turned 10 and the other just 7.
i feel so inadequate can someone help

condra

minxie1 that sucks. I hope you manage to get that resolved. I dont think you should feel inadequate. It sounds like your bf is the one with the problem. Sounds to me like hes either unsure of the long term prospects of your relationship, or just over protective of his girls. Messed up situation either way.

Anyway Im depressed as hell tonight.
Not crying though. I never tend to cry. Its not like I just broke up with a girl or anything. Just a gloomy rotten dark cloud over my head. Im glad there is some brie in the fridge, which Im picking at every now and then.
I swear there is something in brie which works as an anti-depressant for me about 10 times stronger than chocolate!

omb0wyn5ehpij9

minxie1 wrote: »

hello:(
am just after having a barny with my bf, he has 2 kids and after going out with him for 2years he cant trust me yet to meet his girls. ones just turned 10 and the other just 7.
i feel so inadequate can someone help

What are his reasons for not trusting you to see his girls? I would be very annoyed in your position and can see why you feel inadequate, even though it is his problem

RubyXI

A happy song. Cheesey but happy:D Im not up all night crying tonite. Hope those of u who are upset feel better soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDLKmoOjrA8

minxie

BrynW wrote: »

What are his reasons for not trusting you to see his girls? I would be very annoyed in your position and can see why you feel inadequate, even though it is his problem

said that his ex doesnt see a future in our relationship and doesnt want to upset the girls if anything did happen in the future

anonymous_joe

Perhaps you should gently tell him that it's not his ex who decides whether his relationships have a future?

omb0wyn5ehpij9

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Perhaps you should gently tell him that it's not his ex who decides whether his relationships have a future?

Exactly my thoughts on the matter

condra

It sounds like you're getting walked all over.

minxie

womoma wrote: »

It sounds like you're getting walked all over.

its just very difficult and i wouldnt want the girls upset either, but we both do see a future in our relationship. and we both dont know how to start or what to say to the two.
to be honest its putting a bit of a strain on us and if i dont mind saying think the ex is getting a bit of a kick out of it all, he loves his girls and only wants whats best for everyone involved. where to go from here i dont know:o

jackbutler

night tears are the oddest thing.
you can be happy all day and then something will prod your conscience and as soon as your head hits the pillow youll be doing the angry cry everyone loves.

i think crying is the perfect sleeping pill, it calms you down, loosens a knot in your chest, and makes you feel like youre not ignoring your feelings.

plus when you wake up in the middle of the night and you can feel dry tear marks on your face, its just nice as hell

Doctor DooM

Moving from Nocturnal forum, OP might get some good help here.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Is there a possibilty of history here? That is, the girls got close to a previous partner who left abruptly (bfs or the exes)?

That said, does his ex have new partners and does she introduce them to the kids?


It also sounds like she could be using the girls as a deliberate obstacle to prevent you finding happiness.

Overheal

minxie1 wrote: »

said that his ex doesnt see a future in our relationship and doesnt want to upset the girls if anything did happen in the future

I was about to ask this after reading your first post.

In that case its not entirely up to your boyfriend. You have to think about whether his hands are tied.

MagicMarker

So what if the girls get upset??? Do they still believe in santa too, for fear of being upset should they find out the evil truth?

Tell the guy to man up and tell the mother to keep her nose out.

Rev Hellfire

I would imagine they're implying that the ex could make things difficult for him and his kids.

Either way it's really up to the father to decide when and if you should meet his children, I'm sure he's doing what he feels is best for them.

The question you should ask yourself is if you push a confrontation (like others suggest you should) do you think his loyalty to you will win out over his loyalty to his own flesh and blood ?
Leave well enough alone, assuming he's aware of your misgivings he'll resolve it once the time is right.

Beruthiel

minxie1 wrote: »

said that his ex doesnt see a future in our relationship and doesnt want to upset the girls if anything did happen in the future

Can you explain that comment to me?
Are you saying that his ex is dictating his behaviour onto your relationship?
Personally that would make me see red. It is basically saying that she does not trust his judgement. It also means that she still has some sort of hold over him.

Yes, it's always a bad idea to get kids involved in a new relationship, but yours is two year old!

As for how to start the introductions. Small. The first few meetings should be just a few minutes. Perhaps meeting them in passing as he's out with them, or leaving the house as they are arriving. Slowly build up the time spent with them.

MJOR

His ex is being unreasonable and using the kids to have control over him.... Totally childish but on some level his hands are tied. Between them it is and you can't blame him if she is being difficult

Having said that he has equal rights over the kids and so should have equal say as to who sees them

WilmaRidesAgain

"his ex thinks...."

His ex only has 50% say in the matter, sounds like he needs to grow a pair and tell his ex to cop herself on.

If he wont do this then you need to ask yourself is he just using the ex as an excuse, dont just accept things so passively OP, ask questions, find out where he really stands on the matter -dont listen to any more of "his ex thinks" bull, after 2 years its clear to everyone this is not just a flash in the pan.

Find out if your fella is using the ex excuse to cover up his own reluctance to commit.

Its not as if you are expecting to be their stepmother or anything, just not to be a faceless non entity any more.

Do the kids know you exist?

If the ex hasn't had a relationship since the split, its possible she is harbouring hopes of getting back together with your fella, dont leave all of this unknown, this is your life, find out the facts and then you will feel a lot more empowered!

Iago

His hands aren't tied, he needs to grow a pair. To be honest OP, and I'm sorry to say this, but I'd be very worried if I was you. If he is still allowing other people to dictate your relationship after two years, and hasn't got enough faith in himself, you and you both as a couple to put his foot down then that's really not a good thing.

Speaking from experience (I've a son from a previous relationship) I was always loathe to introduce him to anyone new until I was sure that there was going to be a relationship there. Once I was with someone for 6 months or so and knew it was going somewhere then I would make the introductions. In saying that I introduced him to two partners who I'm no longer with and it was hard for both sides in terms of losing that relationship, but I also think that's a nessecery part of growing up and learning about life.

I don't think you should give him an ultimatum, but what you should do is discuss in calm terms the significance of him not pushing back. If you don't build a relationship with his girls now, then you may never actually build a relationship at all. The older they get, the harder it will be especially when they realise you've been together since they were far younger.

minxie

Beruthiel wrote: »

Can you explain that comment to me?
Are you saying that his ex is dictating his behaviour onto your relationship?
Personally that would make me see red. It is basically saying that she does not trust his judgement. It also means that she still has some sort of hold over him.
i think its a case that if she cant have him no one else can either,and yes i do feel like the "hidden one"
have met his family and things are great there,only time will tell

minxie

Iago wrote: »

His hands aren't tied, he needs to grow a pair. To be honest OP, and I'm sorry to say this, but I'd be very worried if I was you. If he is still allowing other people to dictate your relationship after two years, and hasn't got enough faith in himself, you and you both as a couple to put his foot down then that's really not a good thing.

Speaking from experience (I've a son from a previous relationship) I was always loathe to introduce him to anyone new until I was sure that there was going to be a relationship there. Once I was with someone for 6 months or so and knew it was going somewhere then I would make the introductions. In saying that I introduced him to two partners who I'm no longer with and it was hard for both sides in terms of losing that relationship, but I also think that's a nessecery part of growing up and learning about life.

I don't think you should give him an ultimatum, but what you should do is discuss in calm terms the significance of him not pushing back. If you don't build a relationship with his girls now, then you may never actually build a relationship at all. The older they get, the harder it will be especially when they realise you've been together since they were far younger.

we are going away for a few days this week so am going to approach it fairly full on and see where the land lies so to speak,
thanks for all the comments guys:)