Not cut out for motherhood

LegacyUser

I hope this post doesn't come across as ungrateful, i adore my baby boy, but i'm just finding myself getting more and more frustrated with things. I'm in my late twenties, married for two years, and our baby boy is almost one now. He's quite a demanding baby, and gets easily frustrated and is quite stubborn. Lately he just keeps moaning and whinging ALL DAY LONG. It takes hours to get him asleep at each nap time and at bed time. I can't listen to it anymore. I adore him, but i just keep losing my temper and letting a roar at him, which only makes things worse. Today i actually banged my head off the wall, it was that bad. Do all mothers feel like this at times? I mean i do love him, i do all i can for him. I make all his food from scratch. I do all i can to stimulate and educate him. I should add that i chose to stay at home with him for another year. I've given him everything. My body is in bits from a very hard pregnancy and aftermath. I just feel like I've no identity left. That my son and husband always want a piece of me. Its at the stage now that i don't want my husband to touch me cos i feel smothered and just want to be left alone. Every part of me hurts, from being whacked on the head while playing with my son, or scratched on the face or having my hair pulled. I'm covered in bruises. Anyway rant over, i just wondered whether other mothers feel like this too. Thanks.

Nevyn

Yes all mothers feel this way at some time and usually during the first 2/3 years esp when you become a stay at home mammy.

Is there a parents toddler group you can join ?
Do you get any time to yourself at all ?
Can you get your husband to mind him and get out even or a walk or talk a bath ?
Any chance of you getting away for a weekend break ?

marti101

Talk to your oh and tell him what you have said here.Does he do stuff with the baby or do you do it all.Could you not go back to work part time.I KNOW IVE 3 BOYS THE YOUNGEST 5 MONTHS SO I DO KNOW YOU HAVE DAYS WHERE YOU WANT 10 KIDS AND THERES DAYS YOU DONT WANT TO GET OUT OF BED.Just talkmi t through with somebody maybe organize a weekend away with friends and recharge your batteries.

Overheal

Would this possibly be symptomatic Postpartum Depression? Just throwing it out there. But really it just sounds like you're overwhelmed and need a baby break as Thaed says

Your son sounds like he has an optimistic future in career-boxing.

BostonB

You need regular breaks.

axer

OP: Tell your husband how you feel. I'm sure something could be arranged to help you out. You need to get some breaks. Why not get someone to look after the baby for a night or two and go out with your husband for a meal or something otherwise you will really start resenting him and that will not be good for your family.

foxy06

God you remind me so much of me. My first boy was a nightmare. Never slept and was always in my arms and there were times when I just wanted to slap him to make him stop. I roared at him, ignored him, cuddled him and kissed him but nothing worked and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My birth was very difficult and I only got 6 hours sleep in the first 7 days after him. It took me a long time to get over. But I did get over it and now he is just wonderful. His little brother was a saint compared to him as a baby.....but he is making up for it now!

Just remember you are not alone and you are not a bad mother for feeling like you can't cope. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones that feel this way but if you say it to any mother, no matter how cool and calm they look, they will probably tell you they felt the same way at one time or another. No one is perfect.

MagicMarker

Yeah, you need a break... Is there a way you can get family or a sitter to look after him for a day and maybe a night or two a week?

You could have the day to yourself to do whatever the hell you want, shopping/sleeping/reading anything. And then the nights you could spend with your husband and maybe reignite things in that department:)

marti101

I think people forget how demanding a baby can be and im sure they will help you just have to ask.My middle son was like that sleep for an hour then be awake for days.Let us know how you get on.

Beruthiel

OP you need to be able to take breaks.
Babies can pick up on moods, if you're not relaxed neither are they.
Think about doing a parenting course, they can really help.
Join a mother and toddler group.
Perhaps do a night course once a week or have one night where you spend just with friends.
You need breaks and your husband should help you with this, otherwise your head will be melted and your brain will turn to cabbage. At least, that's how it felt to me at the time.

MJOR

Lack of sleep,lack of time alone, lack of support these things can all have an awful effect on you, that coupled with a now more active demanding baby will all have a bigger effect on you.

Ask your hubby for a bit of support and join a group.

leesmom

yes,all mothers do feel like this at some point,it is a horrible feeling.my son is 15 months now but my god when he was a newborn there was times when i felt like jumping out the window or leaving him outside because he cried soooo much.nothing seemed to make him happy.the only time he didnt cry was when he had a bottle in his mouth,i could actually breathe when he was feeding but dreaded when he finished the bottle because he would just cry and cry.he had to be held all the time and not only that but if i sat down while holding him he would go hysterical,even if he had been asleep in my arms he would wake when i sa down and go mad,i spent most of my days standing rocking him for him to stop crying.
he made me feel like i was doing everything wrong,amazing how such a little person had such an amount of power over me:rolleyes:
it does get a little easier,my lil boy is still pretty whingey at times like when he doesnt get his own way but he is a lot better since he started walking.
i know its not easy.i didnt even want to leave him with anyone as i felt bad because he cried so much.
now i love the evening time when he is gone to bed and i can relax;)

Grawns

Put your son in a creche and go back to work. Doesn't matter if it costs yyou ore than you make, you need to get away from the baby sitting. Stay at home Mum is not for everybody. I have a friend who put her 2 kids in creches , one at 6 months and the 2nd at 6 weeks ( cause she needed the money) and she couldn't be happier. I'm pregnant with my first much wanted baby but to be honest I've always found children boring. I have a wait and see attitude but I'd never have made it to a year at home if my child was so difficult.

lostinnappies

Here it goes,

Im sorry to say but you have given him too much of you, i know because my first was exactly the same. You need a break you time, and on a regular basis. You need to find a hobby where you have to leave the house at least once a week.

Your child has learned to depend on you for everything, for stimulation, for emotional support and to be put to sleep. You need to start teaching him to self sooth when you put him down, to play independantly and to be able to have emotional RESPONCE from you instead of an emotional SUPPORT. Thus the shouting will ease off, the play will be less intence and the nap times and night time will be easier.

How do i begin? huumm, well lets start off with the independent play. When you go to play with him start off with something colorfull and fun like blocks. Begin play with him and stay there for a few min, then move away from him to the other side of the room and tell him youre getting something, pick it up and go back to the blocks (if he kicks off or follows you give NO responce until he is back playing nicely) Gradually move further away each time and then say, "mummy is just putting diner on ill be back in a min" (go to the kitchen , make sure he can still see you and potter about, then come back into the kitchen) Over time he will learn that he CAN play by himself.

Next emotional RESPONCE instead of support. Some behaviours should not be acceptable, i know you think he is only 1 and he doesnt know any better .... he does, he knows if he screems loud enough for long enough he will get what he wants (he doesnt do it on purpose). You must at this stage start implamenting time out. I know you are going to say he is too young for this ... he isnt. The most important rules with time out are 1 never put a child in a tantrum in a time out 2, always do it imediatley when the offending action takes place 3, never give in because you will shoot yourself in the foot and he will get worse because he will know that all he has to do is shout a little longer. 4, always remember he is only using his voice, he will not die or harm himself from sitting on the naughty spot. 5, last rule is always give him the operatunity to stop his behaviour. (make a loud noise "ehh" is the one i use look cross (they dont understand much english but they do understand facial expressions) Very cross, and simply say "no". one word, if he persists, get down to his level and say "that was naughty, its time out time" Place him on a bean bag or an area where its safe and free from clutter and leave him there for 1 min, if he gets up.... put him back and begin the min again, you will be there for along time to begin with but it will be worth it. once the min is up get down to his level again and say "finished? say sorry and hug" again keeping language simple if he hugs thats good enough then resume play and for get the situation, big smile (even if you dont feel like it) so that he knows its all ok again. Continue with this and his behavour will improve, he will have gotten a Responce to his emotional outburst and hitting rather then supporting it by doing (in their eyes) nothing. He is not a naughty boy he loves you dearly just has never been told that what he is doing is wrong (in ways that he understands)

Sleeping, everyone would love the kind of child who happily goes to bed. That never happens. Using a technique of distance comfort, you can train him to self sooth (just as you would potty train him). Have a strong routine, have a bath, dressed into jammies, brush his teeth and read a story. This isnt for any other purpose other then to give him ques that when mommy does these things its night time. It will take a week for him to understand the ques and you must do the same things every night. when this sinks in, instead of rocking him to sleep or holding him, sing a little night night song, give him a kiss and say "night night". Put him into his cot, give him his soother or blanket etc and sit beside his cot, far enough away that he cant grab you but can still see your face. He will kick he will screem he will try and do whatever it takes to get you to move, dont move dont look at him dont talk to him. Only ever get up if he is going to hurt himself (which they rarely do) lay him back in bed and sit down again. YOu will be there for ages the frist night but i garuntee you if you persist and ignore the little voice in your head saying "pick him up" you will thank yourself. the next night will be half the amount of time continue to do this until you can lay him in his cot and walk out leaving him to self sooth.

I know its alot but you really shouldnt be feeling battered and burised, my first one i did, till i learned these techniuqes, my second boy is a breeze now that i know them.

starlight07

Im not a mother but I know its completly natural to be feeling this way, my sister has two kids and just minding them for a week when she went on hols frightened the beejezus out of me!!! I dont know how she does it, its a tough job thats for sure. I try take the kids whenever I can just to give her and her husband a break. I suggest you ask for a lil bit of help from friends/ family, even for an hr a week. Alternatively why dont you put your son into creche for one day a week, it would be good for him to socialise with other children and give you the break you need.

John Mason

okay, i am talking from experience here.

1. You need to and talk to the doctor, you MAY OR MAY NOT have PND but it cant help to have a chat with your doctor.

2. You need to make time for you away from your baby, husband and house. take at least one saturday a month, get out of the house at 9am and do not come back until 7pm. Go shopping, see a movie, meet your friend but get the hell out of the hell and away from everything.

if possible go away for the weekend with friends - no husband, no baby - just you

LadyE

Completely agree what IB said, chat with your doctor about PND, its fairly common, and hitting you head off a wall isnt healthy at all.

Everyday, you should set yourself a target, as such, to get out and do somehting, even if its just walk to the shop, or meet a friend for coffee, leave the house everyday..if you dont, you get stuck in a rut, its its fricken awful!

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies, LostinNappies thank you so much for all your advice.

Just a bit of background info.. I did suffer from PND last year, but i did get it sorted, doctor, counselling etc and meds..(still on them). I don't think its a relapse or anything, I think as Overheal mentioned i'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. You see I really got myself together before, joined night classes, mother and baby groups, i have loads of stuff on and get out of the house regularly. I've a weekend away from my husband and son planned in Oct, and I'm even planning a return to college part time in sept to train in something that will allow me work more mother friendly hours.. I handed in my notice because they wanted me back full time and my health won't allow it. My baby was close to 12lbs when born and that was incredibly hard on me and I've had 3 bouts of surgery in the last year.

I've done the whole sleep training thing with him, it worked like a dream for the last 6 months or so, and i really enjoyed my evenings either at home or out with my husband. But just in the last 2 weeks my son has become really clingy and difficult. He's showing quite a bit of fear in my opinion, and won't settle to sleep unless i or my husband is in the room with him. And its a terrified cry, not a tantrum. Sometimes i can show great patience etc, walking the floor at all hours with him, creaming his exzema and never showing signs of strain, much to my husbands awe, but other times, (like the last week) I just crack. When i'm calm I do let my husband take over, but if I am stressed I will (literally) push him away and scream at him that I'll handle it. Its like I won't allow anything get the better of me. I'm his mammy and I'll do it. I know I have to get over this. My husband will do anything for me to just let him take over sometimes. I do realise i need more regular breaks and maybe i'll go take a walk at bedtime sometimes, and let my husband manage. Then i wouldnt be able to run upstairs when my son puts up a fuss.

I do have people to help out and babysit but in the last week i'd to cancel plans to go out with my husband as my son wouldn't settle. I know its probably just a phase, like everything, or maybe he's coming down with something, but it really is so hard to handle sometimes.

LegacyUser

Hmmm. Yes, does sound like a phase alright. but I think you should reverse procedures. When the going gets tough LET hubby take over and thats the time to go for a breather. Flying off the handle makes it rough for mammy, daddy and baba and EVERYBODY suffers. So, next time LET hime do it. I don't agree with the suggestion of PND, it sounds like a tough phase which will pass but TAKE the help when it's offered. You're doing yourself no favours otherwise. I've been there.

LegacyUser

You're right. I just wish i wouldn't get so worked up with my son. It's not his fault, he's just doing what babies do, but i seem to take it personally for some reason.

Victor

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes all mothers feel this way at some time and usually during the first 2/3 years esp when you become a stay at home mammy.

Daddies and uncles and grannies can feel it too. I know of one mother who wanted to drop kick her one year old down the garden.

You need support and you need breaks. Support can be from those around you - other half, your parents and family, neighbours or elsewhere, parent and child groups, or even play groups for even a few hours a week.

You are stressed - stress is a reaction designed for when we were faced with predators - fight or flight. However, we can't run away from or hit baby. We can however do some other activities to deal with the stress - get some (different) exercise or perhaps a nice bath or a massage.

I think most mothers feel like this at some time or other, but that doesn't make them bad mothers or bad people. I presume your child is reasonably healthy, fed, cleaned and cared for - thats a long way to the end goal.

lostinnappies

smothered wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies, LostinNappies thank you so much for all your advice.

Just a bit of background info.. I did suffer from PND last year, but i did get it sorted, doctor, counselling etc and meds..(still on them). I don't think its a relapse or anything, I think as Overheal mentioned i'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. You see I really got myself together before, joined night classes, mother and baby groups, i have loads of stuff on and get out of the house regularly. I've a weekend away from my husband and son planned in Oct, and I'm even planning a return to college part time in sept to train in something that will allow me work more mother friendly hours.. I handed in my notice because they wanted me back full time and my health won't allow it. My baby was close to 12lbs when born and that was incredibly hard on me and I've had 3 bouts of surgery in the last year.

I've done the whole sleep training thing with him, it worked like a dream for the last 6 months or so, and i really enjoyed my evenings either at home or out with my husband. But just in the last 2 weeks my son has become really clingy and difficult. He's showing quite a bit of fear in my opinion, and won't settle to sleep unless i or my husband is in the room with him. And its a terrified cry, not a tantrum. Sometimes i can show great patience etc, walking the floor at all hours with him, creaming his exzema and never showing signs of strain, much to my husbands awe, but other times, (like the last week) I just crack. When i'm calm I do let my husband take over, but if I am stressed I will (literally) push him away and scream at him that I'll handle it. Its like I won't allow anything get the better of me. I'm his mammy and I'll do it. I know I have to get over this. My husband will do anything for me to just let him take over sometimes. I do realise i need more regular breaks and maybe i'll go take a walk at bedtime sometimes, and let my husband manage. Then i wouldnt be able to run upstairs when my son puts up a fuss.

I do have people to help out and babysit but in the last week i'd to cancel plans to go out with my husband as my son wouldn't settle. I know its probably just a phase, like everything, or maybe he's coming down with something, but it really is so hard to handle sometimes.

If its been going on for a week i dont think its an illness, it sounds to me like he is becoming aware of the darkness. Some children between the age of 1 and 2 become aware of darkness all of a sudden. Even leading them to be terrified when being put to bed if its still light out. Best thing to do is to teach him that the bed room (not the bed) is also fun and spend a morning up there with him, have his breakfast there, have colouring there, stories and dancing. Then one evening when he is not so bright out long before bed do it again and he will see that bedroom can be fun and continue with the sleep routine. Best of luck

mrsdewinter

LostinNappies, these are really practical and clear advice posts. I'm definitely sending my mummy friends your way...

AllieRe

Oh dear, you're not a bad mother!
From the sound of it, you're a fantastic mother.
But thats just it...you are a mother. And you can cut it. Because you are already doing it.
But you NEED some mommy time!

My son is 8 months old, I am a single mother, on terrible terms with the father. My son is my entire world. I am a stay at home mom, about to start school. I understand the feeling of desperation. Any chance I get, I take some time to myself. I used to feel selfish, but we are mothers not martyrs!

My advice to you:
*Talk to your husband. Tell him you need some time to yourself.
*Take 30 minutes a day for you. Take a comfy bath or shower, read a book, go out for coffee. Anything.
*At least once a month, get out of the house with your gals!
*Find a support group of other young mothers.

Good luck and God bless you dear!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much AllieRe. You see it makes me feel so guilty for complaining when i hear about single mams like yourself! You, and every other single mother, have all my respect. From the minute i gave birth, no actually from the minute i became pregnant, i realised just how hard it must be to do all this alone. And here i am not being able to cope with a bit of crying!

lostinnappies

mrsdewinter wrote: »

LostinNappies, these are really practical and clear advice posts. I'm definitely sending my mummy friends your way...

ha ha, thanks for that

AllieRe

Oh dear,
Guilt was not my intention at all! I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel. And to let you know that you are not alone. I do have a great support system. I live at home, and honestly, I'm blessed to not have to tend to his father too. That was more stress than raising my little one!
And thank you for your respect! Its nice to hear that from time to time.
I hope you are feeling better!

Victor

smothered wrote: »

Thanks so much AllieRe. You see it makes me feel so guilty for complaining when i hear about single mams like yourself! You, and every other single mother, have all my respect. From the minute i gave birth, no actually from the minute i became pregnant, i realised just how hard it must be to do all this alone. And here i am not being able to cope with a bit of crying!

We are not super human.

That said we all have different abilities. Why makes some people laugh, makes others cry. What makes you snap one day, you can live with on others.

What you have done for months had me in tears inside 24 hours.

Go get some "you time" and it will help you get some persepective.

meglome

A friend of mine helps parents in the 'Super Nanny' kinda mould. She a lovely girl and a trained professional. I won't try to list her qualifications as I'll no doubt get it wrong. I can tell you she very good at it judging by the thank you cards etc she gets. Your sons young but I think she might be able to help you. PM me if you'd like her details.