Meeting the ex

Jet Black

Just the back story before I ask...

I was with my gf for four years had a baby together but it did not work out between us. We are still on good terms and get along. We have been broken up now for a year and we have moved on.

So anyway she tell me shes met a nice guy and has been going out with him for two months now, she has asked me to meet him... thing is I think it would be a bit weird..
She says that its working out well between them and our baby knows him too.
So should I meet him?

Thanks

Nevyn

It's up to you if you want to meet him or not but he will impact on her, her life and in doing so on your child esp if he is spending time around the child currently or if they ever end up moving in together.

I can understand you thinking that 2 months maybe too soon, if it was 6 months into thier relationship would you be as hesitant ?

Cathmandooo

Do you see the baby may I ask? If you do then the likelihood is that you're gonna bump into the new bf while picking up the baby or something. It sounds like she wants everyone to be able to prepare themselves for the introductions and perhaps avoid not knowing what to say. Sounds like a sensible way of going about it. If I were you I'd go and get it over with.

keystone

Cathooo wrote: »

Do you see the baby may I ask? If you do then the likelihood is that you're gonna bump into the new bf while picking up the baby or something. It sounds like she wants everyone to be able to prepare themselves for the introductions and perhaps avoid not knowing what to say. Sounds like a sensible way of going about it. If I were you I'd go and get it over with.

Exactly what I was going to say....agree agree agree.

Jet Black

Cathooo wrote: »

Do you see the baby may I ask? If you do then the likelihood is that you're gonna bump into the new bf while picking up the baby or something. It sounds like she wants everyone to be able to prepare themselves for the introductions and perhaps avoid not knowing what to say. Sounds like a sensible way of going about it. If I were you I'd go and get it over with.

Yeah I see her twice during the week after work and take her sat-sun.
I dont think I will bump into him as the dont live together. If they moved in together it would be unavoidable, so she is kinda giving me the choice.

The thing is my ex may not end up this guy. *I am (of course) basing this on absoutley nothing.

Meeting the new guy could end up a half yearly thing.*

But I suppose you are right.

MagicMarker

I fail to see the reason why she would specifically want you to meet him? They're only together for 2 months!!!

But regardless of that, is there any reason you're hesitant? Do you still have romantic feelings for your ex? Would you be upset/jealous meeting her new bf? If so then i see no reason to meet him just yet, maybe in a few months.

patrick_micheal

heymcflyx wrote: »

Just the back story before I ask...

I was with my gf for four years had a baby together but it did not work out between us. We are still on good terms and get along. We have been broken up now for a year and we have moved on.

So anyway she tell me shes met a nice guy and has been going out with him for two months now, she has asked me to meet him... thing is I think it would be a bit weird..
She says that its working out well between them and our baby knows him too.
So should I meet him?

Thanks

word to the wise man this could be a hit on you unless your under half custdy this could be a hit to try and say well look the new daddies better than you do you mind pushing off just a word to the wise. many women have done this sort of thing over and over.

MagicMarker

patrick_micheal wrote: »

word to the wise man this could be a hit on you unless your under half custdy this could be a hit to try and say well look the new daddies better than you do you mind pushing off just a word to the wise. many women have done this sort of thing over and over.

I suppose you know those many women personally then?

MJOR

I don't see a problem with it but ultimately its upto you.

I mean its not entirely necessery but on the other hand I'd make sure she has cleared it with him first

John Griffin

You have a child together so it is your responsibility to meet this guy and fair play to her for asking you to. You need to be sure that this is a person you are happy to have in the company of your child.

On a slightly different note, do you have guardianship of your child and i don't mean is your name on the birth cert, have you both signed the statutory declaration or been to court. If not get it immediately, cos you have zero rights to your child or any say in its up bringing!! You seem like a great Dad. If you need any info on this PM me. Everything may be fine now, but call it child insurance.

Captain Ginger

Yeah, if your child knows him and I was in your position I would want to know what the guys like.

Sounds like she's being pretty mature and decent about it as well.

Pen1987

patrick_micheal wrote: »

word to the wise man this could be a hit on you unless your under half custdy this could be a hit to try and say well look the new daddies better than you do you mind pushing off just a word to the wise. many women have done this sort of thing over and over.

No puncuation. Repeatition. Posted at 5.04 in the morning. Jury says drunk.


I wouldnt want to meet him until theyre together 6/8months personally, but if you refuse to meet him then when/if you do itll be more awkward!

Jet Black

John Griffin wrote: »

You have a child together so it is your responsibility to meet this guy and fair play to her for asking you to. You need to be sure that this is a person you are happy to have in the company of your child.

Thats excatly what she said. She said that after two months there getting on great, hes a good guy nice and so forth. I said once hes not in trouble(drugs or whatever) Im happy. I suppose meeting him would be the best as I can 'check' him out.

John Griffin wrote: »

On a slightly different note, do you have guardianship of your child and i don't mean is your name on the birth cert, have you both signed the statutory declaration or been to court. If not get it immediately, cos you have zero rights to your child or any say in its up bringing!! You seem like a great Dad. If you need any info on this PM me. Everything may be fine now, but call it child insurance.

My name is on the birth cert, but I dont think I hold guardianship. I dont even claim tax credits for her. We have not been to court. I just give 400pm, all agreements are verbal, which I know means nothing in court. We decided not to go through the courts. What is a statutory declaration?

Oh and thanks for the complement:o

John Griffin

A statutory declaration is basically a form you can down load or get from your solicitor. You both sign it and have it witnessed and this is basically her consenting to you being your child's joint legal guardian. If she refuses to sign you must apply to the court for Guardianship. My advice is to get a good family law solicitor and don't let anybody tell you that you have no rights as a father. I am on my third solicitor, others were useless and did more harm than good. I am in the middle of a massive legal battle for my lad at the moment.

Get guardianship and get your access in writing, only pay towards your child's upbringing by standing order to her bank account.

Everything will be fine for you so long as she is happy that you are going along with everything she wants in life, as soon as you disagree on whats in the best interests of your child she will use your child against you as a weapon and it is your child that will suffer.

Being a single dad these days is all about knowing the law and how to use it to best protect the vital relationship between Dad and Child. The reason she is happy not to go through the courts is because it leaves her holding all the cards at the moment and you are just the guy that pays her €400 a month to babysit her child.
She can get rid of you anytime she wants and she can move to any other country with or without her new boyfriend and take your child.:eek:
Child Insurance, get it now!!! And save yourself upto 1/2 a million euro on legal bills in the future:(

Teferi

My advice is to not take most of the previous posters advice. It is clearly ridiculously biased based on his own experience (although the Stat Declaration is a good idea)

The girl sounds like a decent sort and being very mature. I'd meet up with the guy if it was my kid. Definitely check him out.

John Griffin

Teferi wrote: »

My advice is to not take most of the previous posters advice. It is clearly ridiculously biased based on his own experience (although the Stat Declaration is a good idea)

The girl sounds like a decent sort and being very mature. I'd meet up with the guy if it was my kid. Definitely check him out.

Ridiculously biased???:mad: It's the harsh truth of being a single Dad in this country.

My advice is to speak to a family law solicitor and to get guardianship even if it means going to court. Pay her by standing order so that you have a record of payment, have your access agreed in writing or at least keep a record of it. And to learn how the law works in relation to his child.

Which part of this advice do you suggest he drops and where did you gain you legal advice and experience? Are you a Dad?

I'm sure she is fine, as i said earlier fair play to her for asking him to meet the new guy.
I'm not suggesting he go in with all guns blazing demanding his rights, if he can get what he wants with no fuss all the better. But the facts are i have as much rights to his child as he has at the moment, none!

I don't want to see any more decent Dads end up like me and the other Dads in this country that are fighting to rescue our kids from selfish angry mothers.

the GALL

John Griffin wrote: »

A statutory declaration is basically a form you can down load or get from your solicitor. You both sign it and have it witnessed and this is basically her consenting to you being your child's joint legal guardian. If she refuses to sign you must apply to the court for Guardianship. My advice is to get a good family law solicitor and don't let anybody tell you that you have no rights as a father. I am on my third solicitor, others were useless and did more harm than good. I am in the middle of a massive legal battle for my lad at the moment.

Get guardianship and get your access in writing, only pay towards your child's upbringing by standing order to her bank account.

Everything will be fine for you so long as she is happy that you are going along with everything she wants in life, as soon as you disagree on whats in the best interests of your child she will use your child against you as a weapon and it is your child that will suffer.

Being a single dad these days is all about knowing the law and how to use it to best protect the vital relationship between Dad and Child. The reason she is happy not to go through the courts is because it leaves her holding all the cards at the moment and you are just the guy that pays her €400 a month to babysit her child.
She can get rid of you anytime she wants and she can move to any other country with or without her new boyfriend and take your child.:eek:
Child Insurance, get it now!!! And save yourself upto 1/2 a million euro on legal bills in the future:(

while the above does sound like the talkings' of a crazy man it's all true
You have no rights unless your a guardian
She can take the child out of the country and live abroad
You have no record of paying maintenance
She can move the 'goal posts' at any time causeing you no end of heartache
Get everything in writing before you get screwed
And a verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's written on
and if any one thinks im wrong
ask me,
ask my ex,
and ask the pr1ck of a judge.

You still should go and meet the new fella she know's him 2 months and he has contact with your child.....now im not saying anything here against the new fella but your main concern is your childs welfare, love is blind and all that.

craichoe

the GALL wrote: »

while the above does sound like the talkings' of a crazy man it's all true
You have no rights unless your a guardian
She can take the child out of the country and live abroad
You have no record of paying maintenance
She can move the 'goal posts' at any time causeing you no end of heartache
Get everything in writing before you get screwed
And a verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's written on
and if any one thinks im wrong
ask me,
ask my ex,
and ask the pr1ck of a judge.

You still should go and meet the new fella she know's him 2 months and he has contact with your child.....now im not saying anything here against the new fella but your main concern is your childs welfare, love is blind and all that.

+1

You don't know what could happen down the road, probably better to protect yourself legally.

paperclip2

If she has asked you to meet the bf maybe its because she knows he's going to be around for the long-haul. It would b a good idea to get it out of the way now imho.

I also agree with what John Griffin said about getting guardianship and a record of maintenance payments sorted out. You never know what could happen down the line, circumstances change and so can people. What if her new fella wants to work abroad and she wants to go with him? As of right now you have no legal way to influence this type of decision.

You sound like a decent guy and a great dad who is looking out for his little girl, make sure you look out for yourself in this too.

Schnooks

Hi All

In somewhat the same situation as the OP i.e. very amicable with the ex, joint custody of my son, paying maintenance etc and all working out fine in the year since we split up.

She doesn't have another partner, neither do I, but this statutory declaration thing that various people have mentioned has got me thinking that this is something I should get sorted myself. Everything with us is a verbal agreement, we were never married, so I should def get something in writing, just in case any of the situations decribed by previous posters develop.

Where can i find this form? Or should I just go straight to a solicitor and ask him to sort it out? I assume I would have to bring my ex with me to sign it. I don't think she would have a problem with this.

I suppose I am thinking more along the lines that if anything were to happen to her, what rights to full custody would I have over her mother/sister etc, even though my name is on the birth cert?

To answer OP, I would definitely want to meet somebody who is going to be spending time around my child.

the GALL

as far as i remember if you are not on the birth cert and the childs mother died please (god this never happens) the child is made a ward of the courts i.e foster home adoption and you have to go down the legal road to get them back. this is what really shocked me with my ex she didn't want me as a guardian even when this was pointed out to her by the judge at the time. As I said before love is blind but hell hath no fury like an ex.

Schnooks

Thanks Gall, but my name is on the birth cert. Sorry to hear you had a hard time with your ex.

I am just wondering what I need to do to ensure that I have guardianship, should anything ever happen to her, or a new man comes into her life etc.

John Griffin

Schnooks wrote: »

Thanks Gall, but my name is on the birth cert. Sorry to hear you had a hard time with your ex.

I am just wondering what I need to do to ensure that I have guardianship, should anything ever happen to her, or a new man comes into her life etc.

The birth cert gives you no rights, get the Declaration signed at the least. Talk to a solicitor about this. It is even more solid when the declaration is made an order of court. The Unmarried fathers of Ireland and similar groups can all help you.

Bad **** does happen and i wish i had all the knowledge i have now 3 years ago.

My son has been abducted to another country by his Mum and she has broke his heart and mine and now i have to fight to get him back. I could have prevented this if i had taken the correct action 3 years ago.

Never underestimate an ex!!!!

MagicMarker

If you're going to go down the legal route just be casual about it. In fairness, the mother sounds fair and mature so she probably would welcome it to secure her childs future should anything ever happen to her.

But tread carefully.

Jet Black

Thanks all for the reply. I think from the posts I have a more serious issue at hand with the guardianship.

I found this online so Im going to look into it.http://irishbarrister.com/guardian.html

Special thanks to John for bringing it up, would never have tought about it til it was too late. Hope it all works out for you.

http://www.solo.ie/ is another good one on the top go to family law/court orders/gaurdianship.

Schnooks

John Griffin wrote: »

The birth cert gives you no rights, get the Declaration signed at the least. Talk to a solicitor about this. It is even more solid when the declaration is made an order of court. The Unmarried fathers of Ireland and similar groups can all help you.

Bad **** does happen and i wish i had all the knowledge i have now 3 years ago.

My son has been abducted to another country by his Mum and she has broke his heart and mine and now i have to fight to get him back. I could have prevented this if i had taken the correct action 3 years ago.

Never underestimate an ex!!!!

Sorry to hear about that John. I have seen what you describe happen to an acquaintance of mine, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. His ex is a complete nutter, unfit to be minding a child, but the courts don't see it like that.

I do understand what you are going through is quite common in this country. I suppose I am one of the lucky ones, in that I can see my son anytime I want outside of the normal times he comes to stay with me - we still have keys to each others houses also, so there is alot of trust between us.

My ex is ringing me later and I am going to run it by her then. I hope she doesn't have an issue with it, I would be disappointed if she does.

Edit : Just spoke with her, she was a bit hesitant at first as she didn't understand. But when I made it clear that it is not a way of altering anything, just that it was to guarantee that he would be with me if anything happened, she was fine with it and will sign the declaration after I visit the solicitor and get it drawn up.
Like I said previously, I am one of the lucky ones.

the GALL

yea john your right I ment to say guardian not birth cert and even if she says she can provide a better life in another contry than you can here in Ireland chances are she'll go with the blessing of the court's
Fu€k the judges
Fu€k the courts
Fu€k the goverment
and Fu€k the law
Schnooks If she disagree's with the joint Guardianship and you have to go to court you wont get it there and then you'll be on 'probation' and be told to come back in six monthsish to see if you are up for the job.
To be told by some PR1CK of a judge 'yes you may be a guardian of your own child'.
but i suppose it's only right who's gonna protect
these poor defenceless womem
from the
drunk,
drug taking,
unemployed,
wife/girlfriend beating,
irisponsible,
uncaring,
did I say drunk,

sorry im rambleing but you get the picture.

best of luck with your situation

Schnooks

I get the picture Gall, thanks for the words of caution and as I said earlier, I do appreciate the situations that you and John find yourself in. And I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to not be allowed look after your own child - it goes against nature and there are women in this world who have a lot to answer for i.e putting their own bitterness and needs above what is important for their own child - to have the father as part of his/her life.

Don't worry, I am approaching this with the utmost of kid gloves.

I have had to bite my tongue on numerous occasions over the past year, when I wanted to explode over things she or her mother would come out with. But I had to keep the routine of every 2nd weekend (Fri to Sun) and every Tues for my little boy to stay with me and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

It took me alot of fighting and argueing to get those days and, knowing that it could be withdrawn on a whim because legally I have no rights (which is ridiculous, but that's another day's work!), have made sure not to give her any excuse to do that.

And now after a year, I don't think she ever would want to anyway. She knows I am 100% capable of looking after him as much as she is, apart from not being his Mammy of course, you know boys and their Mammies!!

And I think she also enjoys every 2nd weekend off and likes to play golf after work on Tues evenings in the summertime. So it's all worked out well. We even go out for dinner sometimes, or I cook for her or vice-versa.

Yes she bugs the s**t out of me sometimes, as she did when we were together, but I will not act on that and risk what i have.